疤痕

当曾经的愿望慢慢的被时间冲落
每一个安静的夜晚 有一种寒冷慢慢的窜进骨子里
心里最深处的秘密会赤裸裸的摊在月光下
星光爬完所有伤痕 而我们 只是静静的伤心而已

假期在家无所事事 所以很多时候都处于冥想的状态
一边想着想着 按照一种说不上来的规律 慢慢的策划生活
有时候是明天的行程 有时候是待会儿的午餐 有时候是今晚的电视节目
还是很不喜欢大扫除这档事 费神 可不再是以前 不会再像以前那样甩门
现在只剩下离开的勇气
以前要有啥事不对我的调 我会反击 我会破口大骂 我会摔东西 我会打人
可当初那种随我来的气魄早已魂飞魄散 只剩下今天 跨步离开的勇气
有人问这样算不算 弱者  我们笑着说 也许只是不一样的处理方式吧
从好久好久以前 我希望自己大情大性 再加一点 云淡风轻
有人说我这样口无遮拦迟早要吃亏 但他说不要紧 吃亏当作吃补
人总得要留点伤疤老的时候炫耀吧

我认识一个人 她脸上留有一道一览无遗的疤 也不刻意修饰 也不刻意回避
她就是喜欢把疤痕放出来晒太阳 对朋友这样 对陌生人这样 对所有人都这样
有人问我她是不是家暴 有人问我她有没有计划去整容 有人问我她会不会就这样自卑
其实她和我们一样 曾经一度 对着疤痕 无地自容 无法接受
有一天我在街上看到她 戴着口罩 太阳眼镜 帽子 外套
那该多热 啊   我靠过去盯着她 可头低低的她 始终没有发现我的存在
过后 我们几个朋友给她寄过去我们的个人照和大合照
附了张字条 写说   “先拿我们来学习面对”
过了一段时间 我们接到了她的回信 是一张照片 有她 她的疤 太阳 和人群

后来大家相聚 问她那段时间熬的辛苦吗
她笑着说了
“不辛苦。现在看起来当然不辛苦。因为那个事情的眼泪 我流光了。眼泪流光了 眼睛看得也清澈了，很多东西就这么一点一滴的 回到轨道上了”

我们问她 我们寄去的照片是否有帮助
她还是一贯的笑
“一开始还真听你们说的 贴得房间满满的 想说先学会熟悉你们的目光吧 可过后发现 心里还是悬空的 即使可以对着你们的照片一下午 我却还是连 打开窗户的勇气都没有 气馁啊！ 偶尔看见你们一个两个皮光肉滑的 我心里就一团没来由的筋肉纠结 羡慕吧我想”

我们带了半晌 有人尴尬地笑了 然后她继续
“不过 这一切的一切 都过去了 我花了这么长的时间 情绪每分每秒的累积 瓦解 重塑。我也累了。累得什么都不想 想说自己就蒙面一辈子吧 不见光 吸血鬼般的活着。”

我端起桌缘的的热茶 轻轻地用热气 熏陶我的脸 给这一段过去 添点 味道
“我不是个懂文字的人 我也没有真的在那一段时间 仔细的推敲 我每一丝的微情绪。那一阵子 我除了流泪 就剩 发呆了。我只记得我好几次换好衣服 想要上街转几圈。前面几次 我选衣服的时候犹豫了。再来几次 我换好衣服照镜子的时候犹豫了。再后来 我走到房门口恶时候犹豫了。再后来 我坐在楼梯口望着大门犹豫了。慢慢的，我就是这么一步一步 走到街上。这个过程可以说是循序渐进的，每一次的心理，都像被撕成两半那样，各自朝着不同的方向。我就居中拉扯着自己的步伐。那不简单。”

大家沉默  不约而同的沉默  出奇的沉默 大家不约而同出奇的沉默
“后来我就走到街上 买了一堆食物 拍了张照片。其实并没有自己想象的恐怖。还是会有怪异 同情 可怜 抱歉 尴尬 的眼神。但眼睛嘛 不就是片白叶子 中间一滩墨汁呗。所以我也习惯了。伤痛最恐怖的地方 就是想象。人是最相信自己的，所以我也曾经深深地相信 自己心里的恐惧 一直到 我晒到太阳 是太阳的热 把我晒醒 太热了 热得 让我有豁出去的勇气。”

她喝着自己的咖啡 我们喝着自己的咖啡

“所以 你看开了对吧 不再执着” 大眼睛的朋友问着 一边手拿着巧克力杏仁饼乾
“不是。我只是选择了相信另一个自己。我身体里还是住着那一股恐惧 我不过把它收起来 有一些夜晚我还是会拿出来好好检视一番。不为什么，我不觉得我忘得了这个伤疤 我只是看习惯了 久而久之 就没感觉了。不再有想要消除它的冲动。也有人说我这是看破了，但我始终觉得，我只是把这一个伤痛像衣服一样穿过了 然后就收进衣橱里的低格  眼不见为净而已。”

服务生端来我们的蘑菇汤 有着浓浓胡椒味的蘑菇汤
有一个在角落的朋友拿起汤匙 舀起一口汤 对着她说 “我觉得 你听懂文字的啊”

那一家店 过后我们也没有再去 总是想吃点不一样的
至于那一天的蘑菇汤 是香的 虽然带点过多胡椒的呛辣 但还有的是 彼此汤匙碰击的清脆声 像抓不紧的岁月那样滑不溜丢的口感  和 淡淡的回忆里的牛奶味儿
这些 和着 我记在心头的那股感觉 静静的躺在我的肚子里 陪我过了一夜甜梦
而第二天 我像全新的叶子那样 奋力的迎向 我终将坠落的命运 像之前的每一天
日出而作 日落而息

我过着我的生活 我 说着我才懂得故事

冀望 那一天  天时地利人和了 我和我的过去 会把酒言欢 而这一切的故事 都将是我们的下酒菜

像生活规律的上班族偶尔忙里偷闲一样 

我和我的过去 

李佳恩和李佳恩

故事里 故事外

都是人生 海海人生

一望无际 却内容丰富的 我的人生

*我不止一次说过我喜欢中国腔吧？我就是爱 所以模仿。

这是一个故事。人生的故事。

真的痛 有流血 也真的 都结束了*

judge judging judged judged

judgement.
an event named 2013 is on facebook. it says do you wanna stay alive through 2012 and attend your life in 2013?
the other day i ran down some posts in a forum and found some stories bout the end of the world.
maya, scientists, bibles, gods, ancients, and whatever stories
its a whole freaking long passage to read through regarding how the world is gonna end and random stories
then i came across one saying the world is not ending. it should be more like, err, something's gonna happen and many of us will die. some major nature changes on north and south pole on earth or something. then most of us may not survive and when it eventually end, it would be a whole new era.
DUH. i dont understand.

the end of the world. more like a after-meal topic from what i can see.
actually, i wanted to talk something about judgement at the beginning.
but i don't know what dragged me to those above.

judgement.

ever since i'm in tarc, lotsa people actually give me faces like "wtf, your school is tarc? SO CHEAP"

and i was the kind of loser who got defeated by such comments.
things didnt really work out back then when i first entered college
maybe life change, and i'm granted a bit bit more freedom which i don't see the optimal way of fitting in
and until today, i still receive such comments.

but this time, it had changed. no more stories of me looking down on myself
its more to me, smiling and forget it.

this hasnt end. but my movies are ready.

like what said, the best movie in this world, has always been "What Goes Around, Comes Around"
yea. so i decided to go around happy. so it will come around again.

=)

"hey, got some stories?"

"my life itself is the legend hun."

"those people are making up bad stuffs bout you!"

"oh."

"HELLO!i mean, they are so spreading those bad stuffs!"

"oh. ya. oh"

"ARE YOU LISTENING?!"

"............."

"THOSE PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE TRYING TO TEAR YOU OFF!"

"whats the shouting?! wanna join me in getting popcorn ready for what goes around comes around?"

"that guy there scanned you from head to toe!"

"OH! WHAT?WHICH?!!!"

"the one you hate. that sissy"

"oh. he does that to everyone all the time."

"WEIRD. what does he want?"

"a chance to be a girl"

"woh!next time trashy!"

Another summer day has come and gone away

 


merely resolving the thirst to spill put something
somehow i do know my friend is not doing well
its weird eh
never thought such kind of problem would ever land on her
now thats when people say various

and then i realized i'm one well-blessed person
i really am

i do have wrong people being friend at the beginning of my college life
but things still turned out pretty well right now and i did learnt lessons from those dark time
and the time frame i'm in trouble is much more shorter as some other
things werent any worst when you turn your head back to see it all over again
its like the process going through is so torturing but once you're out
you kinda miss it sometimes

"The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson."


i love my friends. no why. no because. just friends. and so i love
sometimes sitting down and seeing life slipping bit by bit through my fingers
it just feel so funny that years ago i was so eager to be at this age
and at this age there's other dreams on
i did not rock the world at this age of 21, i'm sorry 17-year-old-leekahinn
but i'm still living.

I went picking up my niece at school today.
The moment the school bell rang, i saw all those 7-year-old boys and girls rushing stuffs into bag and self out from class
i used to be, like that. just like that.
no worries. no expectations. and i didnt enjoy it that much.
i spent most of those times being miserable in between a fake grown-up and a complete kid.
here i am right now smiling at every pass i could ever recall
i may not enjoy every tiny bits of those times during primary
but i still know deep in there that, those HARD times during primary
shaped me into who i am today.

its true that i'm made of more than my yesterdays
but part of my yesterdays had me into this current me.
i thank god for that
by any chance i missed the chance to be someone better
i still thank god for that.
cause every moment i had do mean something to me
it tells me how i got here today
and i shall not fear of fall.

i came all the long way until here, and even i fell and had to do it all over again,
i know JUST WELL how to.
=)

thanks for making me simple, ordinary and the best of all, blissful.
please do so on my beloved friends as well.

蓦然回首萧瑟处 也无风雨 也无晴

我一路回来 蓝天白云

自从开始频繁的开车 总是会不经意想起玛莎说
“在多少个开车回家的深夜里 我需要很用力才想起哪一个是真正的自己”
曾经总是瞎嚷嚷着做自己 那个是连自己是谁 都答不上来
却总是精神奕奕 神采飞扬的 挥洒生命 说要做自己 说要follow my heart
不过几年间 我发现自己变了好多 变得乖了好多
算是应了阿信那一句 ”有一天 我们都会被这个世界完美的驯养”

我认识一个脱线的朋友 说脱线其实是在总结她所有随性任性感性
相较之下我觉得我好乖 没有多少怨言 没有多少人渣 没有多少烦恼 没有多少心情
我曾经开玩笑着说 “我想要做一个流浪汉 一个不愁吃喝的流浪汉”。
有人笑了 但有人告诉我 “李佳恩 我觉得 你不是在开玩笑”

干

有一天 我细细的检视内在的那个李佳恩 那个只有我自己知道的李佳恩
我发现原来我并没有什么梦想 连当导演的梦想 好像 也不是没有会死的程度
有人说我活得很随心所欲 意指 随便 发现自己好喜欢说随便 都可以 都好
漫无目的的活着 却每天自以为过得很充实
我就是 没有目的 地 活着 瞎混 忽悠
我的人生没有彩排 每天都是现场直播
因为我连节目的脚本都没有 所以即使出错了 也无从查究

漫无目的 漫游天际

刚刚离开干妈妈家的时候
望后镜满满的都是雪柔，弟弟，干妈妈挥手再见的模样
不知道什么时候开始喜欢看望后镜
偶尔看一下望后镜 发现和自己一样疲惫的夕阳 发现用力挥手道别的人们
我都会很感恩

谢谢 这所有的赐予 我欣然的 微笑的 满足的 收下了
世界那么大 我有你们 所以 我勇敢

done a lil changes on my room. posters are still there of course.
and most of my housemates go "WOW" when they first enter
and till now some of those who comes in frequently
still look at the posters and magazines cut outs and i personally they are amazed!
HA!
so now its today
my last paper day! stil wake up VERY early in the morning like 5am?
always need this to refresh all those memories and hang out in my room
i actually dreamed that i failed my subjects and my mum was talking to me bout cutting my allowances
and that was when i jump off the bed.
oh god! PUH LISS....

waking up this early
eating all those silence alone
i played songs on laptop over and over. those very old love songs
smooth down my mood or something. just calming
friend once asked that "err, you live in this century but your songs, urrrrr"
and most of the friends on my car with my songs will be like "leekahinn, your songs. is it older than me already?"

randomly i just wanna say
ITS FREAKIN LAST PAPER ALREADY!!

and internship. i decided to just believe in God's act that he always present us the best we can ever ask for.

This is my now, so why wont you just smile

There was a time 

I packed my dreams away

Living in a shell, hiding from myself

There was a time when I was so afraid

Thought I’d reached the end

that was then

But I am made of more than my yesterday’s

This is my now, 

and I am breathing in the moment

Cause I look around

I can’t believe the love I see

My fears behind me, 

gone are the shadows and doubts

That was then, this is my now.

I had to decide, was I gonna play it safe

Or that somewhere deep inside, 

I tried to turn the tide

And find the strength to take that step of faith

And I have the courage like never before, yeah

I’ve settled for less 

but I’m ready for more

--Jordin Sparks, This is my now

I struggled hard for life

like everyone else.

though i've mentioned over and over again

i dont like accounting, and its really boring

what i've been kept to myself is my fear that i might not do well in other courses as well.

and i'm browsing some job sites

find it funny for i'm doing what they so called future planning

today's paper was lotsa craps.

theories are so theories that i wrote my own story

and i felt so good about it.

probably because its the second last paper

probably because the first ever time in my life i answer the paper

with what i actually think instead of what was printed on the books

memorizing is not my kind of thing

its had me freak out all the time when i have no choice but to eat up a whole lotsa notes

and i sometimes sat down wondering how i get through the 2 law papers and 3 economics papers?

urgh whatever. whats passed is pass.

so the next paper

would the one paper that i have totally no idea about

the lecture slides were a huge mess

never mind

i've live years of messy life and i'm still alive

a couple of papers wont do much harm i guess

i had planned to head out for a quiet study away from laptop

and due to some TECHNICAL reason

i'll just cancel it

so the plan should be 

bath 

slack a lil bit more

START

..

.

yea. LAST PAPER ON SATURDAY

and thats somehow like the end of the 30 days of nights in Alaska

SUN IS SHINING ALL OVER AGAIN

the exam period differs a lot from what i used to plan

last time were more like going back home

home sweet the home

involve a lot of struggling between books and tv

and this time, i stayed in the hostel throughout the period

for the break time is rather short and 

the strangest part is that i decided to extend the stay

its nothing like i'm so in love with my room(yea, i do have a lovely room)

its just that i think i wanna have a good look over penang island.

like in an extremely relaxing mood

its gonna be like a kiss goodbye

for i would be on internship next semester.

the next time i come back for a stay would be the stories in may!

wow!

half gone "puff" GONE!

half of 2011

sounds fast

but that was before i add in words about "internship"

its a heavy word

10 alphabet and 3 months' gone

god bless

oh and i'm kinda addicted to kevjumba and nigahiga channel this exam time

so happen they led me to this guy

could be their friend of something

seen them in a couple of videos together

i find his songs nice. WOOTS!

Why so serious? WHY WONT YOU SMILE?????

i like his music.

dreamer

- Quietly Fantastic -

- Hakuna Matata -

*i like the zoom and timer function. very, like

sunrise

Good VERY Morning!!!!!
oh lovely morning
been awake for approximately 3 hours now
caffeine didnt really work yesterday so thank you
and i've been repeating "making love out of nothing at all" and "you're beautiful"
and this is now my new morning playlist.
facebook is so quiet. the whole residential area is so quiet.
i'm with the songs, tumblr-ing. that's the best moment in a day of mine.
sitting on the bed. scrolling down and down seeing photos, with such songs
just nice.


and i'm about to  window shop some toys
while waiting for the sun to rise and kiss the day to a start


*damn every time i end a post, i feel more to be a writer

bit by bit

so i did a personality test today.
resulted in me being suitable for education as a career.
now that's a REAL personality test.
i once went to my high school counselor and all she did was reading me a book of occupation available in this world.
Papers with questions are provided, but the questions are so badly designed that
it don't really help you to see your deeper self. it just test on your "appears to be" personality than your true own self.


i'm seriously considering getting my own internet connection.
but broadband wouldnt work and tm is not a choice for its contract binding.
i think i might end up using broadband still. and i'm considering the available package.
my pass experience thought me the reality of having a cheap package somehow make you deserve a low quality.
DUH  such realistic.
wouldnt it be good if i'm the only one being realistic and everyone else live a fantasy.
maybe not. cause i might end up tearing myself down for gasping for real among all fantasies.
alright, the truth is "using others connection without the owner's notice" --NOT STEAL
this fact is growing my guilt day by day. i used to curse this kind of people.
well. since internship is up in times so i'd just expect i'll be able to save my omg-so-low salaries for a new phone and broadband.
and i pretty much given up hope for a smartphone. mainly because i couldnt afford one. though i told everyone i dont really use it. puh-lisss, if you have wii at home, regardless of how busy you are, you will be free for a game or two.
i only wanna appear "cost-considering". at least not "omg-so-sad-i-cannot-have-the-catchy-gadgets-like-others"
and all i require in a phone would be call n sms function. LOL. i sound like some elders who fail to use  phones with complicated functions.


will be having a paper tomorrow.
urm. lets not talk about it.


so i had some random conversation with friend 
been thinking what another friend said:
"your jokes may not be understandable to everyone. cause your jokes are like so random and not down to earth"
true i guess. and i'm trying to make myself truly believe its a compliment. lol
arhh~ who cares.  
still, the fact that i fail in socializing bothers me now and then.
nevermind. i'll figure something out one day.
and i'm not really bad in socializing anyway.
i still have friends. its just that my friends are only of 2 categories:
"close friends" "hi-bye friends"
nothing in between. not that kind of meet up friends.


oh wow. 12am. 

kahinn logging out

quietly fantastic as ever can be

hoping the best for every challenge in life

challenge refers exams this time

Hakuna Matata.