listening to my mum mumbling about my expenses
I asked her why am I asked to pay for my own petrol when my bro neednt
suddenly she shouted and say my brother is different
then I fell into deep dark silence.
it has always been like this.
my brother used an old school phone but he used it for 6 years
I'm with a once-high-tech phone and its showing off problems at the age of 3
My brother hang out with friends doing mountaining and eating mee goreng
I hang out with friends which is more than 2 and we go karaoke, movies and expensive food
mum. seriously, if you're really annoyed with me having a car but not brother
please, I'd be more than happy to give it away
mum, the way you shouted when you answer my question
its so loud. so loud that, i couldnt help thinking, you're pissed by my question
because, yea, when my brother drive the car and bang it twice, you scolded
but you never ask for a cent. instead, you tell me that
"haiz, pity your brother, so tiring the journey"
mum. you would never be the same between us.
because you always tell me this
"your brother is really different. He thinks in a whole different way."
if it was me years ago, I'll bang every door to tell you that I'm pissed by the way you bias
but then I'm 21, I've got used to this topic, being the result of the pass 21 years
You've done a lot of things that I'm grateful of.
like taking me to Bali, where you said you wont wanna take me with you again next trip
like making me lunch and breakfast fuckin early every morning
dear mum, everytime i start to feel like a happy kid, there has to be something happen that wake me up
ever since the car is here, you never stop reminding yourself that I am a spoiled kid
for my brother is taking buses and I'm driving car like a boss
maybe i took it off the limit
but i hate it when you have to raise the comparison between me and brother
can i just say he is he and i am i
mum. when would you ever deal with the fact that, yea, you have a superb son, but a lil downgrade daughter, and start feeling ok about it?
sometimes I get tired trying to please you
I wear what you want me to, cause I don't really care how I look
but what I do care is you started looking at me like a "girl" daughter and is smiling seeing me in nice outfits
I'm sick of trembling in front of you
dear mum, i love you, like how i love this one small yet warming family
but sometimes, I feel like no matter how much I try,
you wont lay a second thought on me
when you were telling others about how terrible i am,
i wonder if they were your honest opinion about me
and when the answer stumble on me, it hurts.
I will still wake up tomorrow morning making silly jokes
but this story is filed in.
I will keep on collecting moments like this
until that one day, I can really see the smile on your face saying:
"oh hey look, that's my daughter"
im sad. just sad
because i couldnt really be like somebody better so my family could be proud of me
i'm in a cheap college where the reputations are like...........X.X
and i dont look stunning like others daughter
if you throw me into a sea of people, i will drown.
i wont really sparkle like shooting stars
even though i appears to like writing, i never seem to be close to excel in so
i'm always the normal person. the ignorable person
my friend once told me that,
its natural for my mum to act like that. Because my brother is at far far away Sarawak. and i'm like at the next door...penang island. cause they don't have to worry much about you, so they think they kinda like owe it to your brother. which is why, if they buy you a car, they have this guilt that, oh...my far away son is so pity that he has to take a bus. its alright. just keep telling yourself this. bear with it. though it hurts still. just, bear with it.
well. what else could i possibly do?
leekahinn, its alright.
its nothing. you know deep down they will still care for you
they always know you're their daughter
just that sometimes, this isnt the main topic they are seeing
its ok
dont cry.
or maybe, cry,
and have a good night sleep
to forget it
damn cold night.
