hey. its me again.
how's life? anything in particular you'd like to talk about?
i hopped out of studies and tv series, thinking i should at least keep my blog posted.
like, i dont wanna turn back years later and have a blank page of memory
basically thats why im keeping my blog
im juggling studies and tv series currently
its again the 3 acca papers for studies
and OnceUponATime & How I met your mother for tv series
i used to excel in this kind of juggling.
you know, studies, tv series, and movies too.
people around me never stop whining about how hard this acca is
yea. like i need to be reminded of. i mean, im in it, of course i know the toughness.
but just, do i really need to be reminded daily?
sometimes, as im driving home from college,
i look out to the sky and wonder what a hell im in?
i dont feel happy at all.
like, yeah, classmates are still classmates
but we barely talk like how we used to
its always me on twitter, and them sometimes replying me on twitter
sometimes, i'd whatsapp with lin
we'd talk bout everything, and it'd feel like we're classmates again
there was once that we actually chat so well that i almost burst out and cry
when she says, "its like we are what we used to be during high school"
we used to have meaningless chats in class back then
bout celebrities, bout movies, bout dramas, bout families, bout schoolmates....and all
dont get me wrong, we still are,
but just, we dont really get luck in social-ing
we find it hard to stay naturally approach-able around strangers
guess we're just too shy for everything,
or, could be that we've been hurt so bad by being an easy new friend
yea, when you get hurt, you learn a lesson. an UNFORGETTABLE lesson.
we mostly chat around noon time. some times late afternoon too.
late afternoon and evening would be morning, EARLY morning to joc
again, there was once she is actually lying on the bed and decided to skip her class
i was on my way home from college,
and i guess lin should be rotting in the hostel, perhaps doing her endless assignments
i agree with the technology ruin romance thing, but you gotta admit,
technology did bring people closer before they ruin the romance
i miss them. i mean my friends.
most of the times, i sat in the classroom feeling darn lonely
sitting there, all focus on the phone, doing live tweets of the class
ignoring some really annoying classmates
and feeling the unwanted stress.
one day, the lecturer approached me
she asked me politely, nicely, "kahinn, do you have anything to ask?"
well, lets just say i was shocked and went all uneasy
as if i should be asking something yet i didnt
like, there's a huge part of wrong in you yet you didnt realize.
thats kinda creepy okay
ever since high school, or maybe ever since i was a student (even kindergarten level)
i wasnt a good student kind of ....student
im the typical kind where teachers will gain ZERO job satisfaction over me
i guess my primary school teachers hated me
seriously, my primary school memory were dark ones, dark days, dark times. DARK.
i had low self-esteem, and yes, i tried fitting myself into the students the teacher expected
but then, my personality was out to win, (still is)
so i decided stick to who i really am and let the others do the hating
I think i got humiliated pretty badly back at primary school
i was fat, ugly, pimples-faced, normal
and oh yeah, i have a very strong stand which is to not participate in any dance activity
that was because i had a really bad experience during kindergarten's graduation
we had to dance in swimming suits with and umbrella and a lace coat or something
its stupid, and i was fat. the teacher kinda nailed me for that
which leads me to the phobia of dance, and to be in front of public
FUCK YOU TEACHERS
since then, i could be all too shy for everything
but i never have problem raising hand, saying im not doing dance
actually, back at primary 1, the teacher did mention something bout fat students might have problem with the dancing suit, but she will work the best to solve it and all
i raised my hand after that, saying, NO.
(actually i was mentally saying, NO YOU BITCH, GO DO YOUR HONEY BOO BOO DANCE, IMMA ROCKER, I DONT DO THOSE FUNNY BARBIE DANCE)
as fas as my memory gets me, the teacher even told my dad bout me saying no
EXPECTING my dad to persuade me into a yes
DUH, you have no idea who you are messing with, bitches.
when i say no, its a no. you dont change my mind.
guess that when my seed of rebellion starts to grow huh?
so that every year, i'd stay aside from those happy dancing girls
and the teacher kinda isolated me since then
i remembered there was once i was rank 4 in the class based on the final exam
and guess how the teacher decided to issue the report cards
like tradition, she went according to the ranking
BUT, she added a "preface" or "foreword" before the issue
she said this:
"So we have a special year this time. apparently, the difference between the rankings are very huge this time. Difference as in the total cgpa of the rankings. no.1 is kinda close with no.2. so no 1 is (someone i forgot), and no.2 is (someone i forgot). well done to them! now applause!!!! so no.3 wasnt really far from no.2 also, well done again. (damn it i dont remember a name, from no.1 to no.3. ya happy?!) applause! so no.4. No.4 is way far from no.3's cgpa. very far, and i bet no one would ever expect this person to come this top. guess who is it?! well, its leekahinn. i really didnt expect you to come this top though."
i was....i dont know, maybe 10?
she did this to me when i was that young
i walked up to her, feeling deeply humiliated
took my report card, and swear to myself, she is a fuckin bitch and i will get my revenge
no. after all these years, i never got my revenge.
now that i mention it, i think i'd really work on my future
in few years time, i will go back to the school
look her straight into the eyes and say,
FUCK YOU BITCH!
ask me in person or any way you could
i hated my primary school
OH, off topic! sorry, couldnt help, too much of the hatred.
so, i supposed you see i want really a student with the right attitude huh?
seriously, i have hell lotsa stories back then which kind imply i wasnt a good student
too much to be told, couldnt decide, and they aint something i'd like to brag about
so maybe next time.
where was i? oh ya, study attitude
my study attitude was bad throughout my study life, UNTIL NOW
i couldnt pay attention in class for more than 5 minutes..mostly 3 actually
and no matter how easy a question from the teacher is, i can never answer
like, even when the lecturer is asking "2+2 equals to what?"
i cant answer that, i just cant. i will be mentally freaking out yelling these:
"TWO?WHAT TWO?WHY TWO PLUS TWO?TWO?PLUS?WHAT? WHICH CHAPTER IS THIS? I KINDA HEARD OF IT BUT I HAVE NO IDEA! MY GOODNESS! TWO PLUS TWO, DID SHE SAY TWO PLUS TWO?OMG SHE WAS LOOKING AT ME, OMG SHE IS GONNA CALL MY NAME! WHATS THE ANSWER?! WHAT!!!! OH NO WAIT, WHATS THE QUESTION?HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA ANSWER THAT WHEN I DONT EVEN KNOW THE QUESTION?"
now and then, never answered a question confidently in class.
NEVER.
and i never ask lecturer questions
i still couldnt figure out where my classmates get all these questions
but to me, the book itself never troubles me
im cool with reading what was written, and never doubt it
guess im a believer then....*teehee
maybe, thats why my lecturer is sick of me
i mean, what can i expect?
i cant answer her question, i never approach with any problem encountered in between her notes
im like, not existing in the class at all
i think she is worried.
LOL.
im sorry ms. low, that's just the way i am.
my best study companion is google, he is really a helpful friend.
and my lecturer finished her concern with this,
"do you have any question? or you'd figure it out yourself?"
i may have question, but google is powerful.
i truly appreciate her concern (i mean the lecturer)
i admit my attitude sucks.
she is a good lecturer. i wish her all the best.
WAY MUCH BETTER THAN THOSE TEACHERS IN PRIMARY
for all due respect to my primary teachers,
i'd like to salute them with a rigidly standing middle finger.
"i hate you primary teachers, karma's gonna get you"
nuff said.
night.
dream big. dream happy.
