2012年冬天，咖啡与我

“1995年5月30日，我得到了我的初恋。

它就好像是一家店，我不知道能停留多久，当然，越久越好。”

-何志武，堕落天使

好像成了一种潮流，少女情怀总是诗的青春岁月中

每个女孩都幻想拥有一段咖啡店情缘

在小说和电影中，咖啡店总是能发生好多事情，关于爱情的，事情

想着浓浓咖啡香的背景，拥着心爱的人吃着精致的甜点

一个阳光洒进落地窗的沙发座旁边，都是俊男美女的世界中

时间往前推进的过程中，很多梦幻的女孩儿恋爱了

她们大多没有想象中的咖啡店情缘，但仍旧以他们特有的方式幸福着

念大学的时候，室友和我有两个温书的落脚处

一个是麦当劳，一个是星巴克

麦当劳固然便宜，但常常会很吵，但没钱的时候，凑合着还是可以的

至于星巴克，那是一种奢侈，但却可以有很多安静角落好好的读书

后来，我们有一种默契，和其他人一起念书的话我们就会去麦当劳

如果只是我们俩，我们就会去星巴克

毕竟和其他人一起念，我们也会变很吵

我本来就不是懂/爱咖啡的人，所以我永远只能点爆弱的绿茶拿铁

我向来以“非女孩”自居，可是在这一个点上，

绿茶拿铁是每个女孩都喜欢点的。

我不是喜欢绿茶，啊我就比较不喜欢和苦咖啡不行噢

我们通常会在星巴克待上好几个小时，一直到他们打烊吧

常常专心念书的时候会有服务生在身边忙进忙出的声音

休息片刻的时候，我都看着这些服务生，寻找着他们和电影小说的一点点联系

我很少遇到，满腔热血的服务生

大多时候他们都皮笑肉不笑的履行他们的工作内容

又或者，他们忙着和彼此打闹而懒得好好看我们一眼

而我只能忍着屈辱，点着弱弱的，超梦幻的绿茶拿铁

心里恨自己为什么不是个点americano的汉子

后来，我已经好久没有去星巴克

那是自从有一回他们把我的绿茶拿铁冲泡的面目全非开始

我很生气，有方程式的东西也可以冲泡错，罪该万死

那天我本拎了本小说，要去等朋友，结果那被青绿色的液体完全摧毁了我

我操，很贵你懂吗！还泡错！

我只能恨恨的走人，换作现在的我，我一定把饮料拿到柜台要求重做！

可惜当初的我没有这个胆量，切！

再后来，槟城开了好多家小小的特色咖啡店

但我梦想中的朵儿咖啡馆和等一个人咖啡始终没有出现

而我也没有迷上任何一家咖啡馆，始终就这么在咖啡的世界里得过且过

再再后来，珍珠奶茶肆虐

全民疯奶茶的时代隆重降临

咖啡，始终只是女孩梦想的一个段落

 

我一直觉得自己是喜欢饮料的人，可我始终没有爱上珍珠奶茶

珍珠奶茶，一直都是我的胃中可有可无的存在

我也似乎没有爱过咖啡

去了一趟美国，我才发现原来咖啡是很多很多人的命根

每天早上靠着咖啡醒神的人们睡眼惺忪的叮嘱着他们的咖啡

而且我似乎从来没有喝过那些咖啡

有一回胖子让我试试看要来冲泡冰咖啡的那两壶咖啡还新鲜吗

冲泡冰咖啡的咖啡可是比一般咖啡多用一包咖啡粉

可想而知浓度应该是很吓人的

我一脸茫然的看着他，“how do I know if its fresh?”

“DRINK IT………..do you drink coffee?”

“not really….”

“oh right, you only drink coke with salt. Well, give it to Brian. AND, don’t let him know it’s for the ice coffee”

我点点头，倒了一小杯，拿去给正在拆机器的布莱恩同志

我轻描淡写的说是胖子要知道咖啡的新鲜度

同志不疑有他，接过去就大口的喝起来

我至今记得他在纠结的五官，和惊恐的表情

他勉强挤出一句，“I TRUSTED YOU.”

而我和胖子早已笑弯了腰，看着他继续无奈地说，“you can dump those”

啊，那些冬天的夜晚，那些无聊的玩笑话，我怀念的。

 

身边的朋友也有好多是靠着咖啡提神

每天上岗的第一件事就是喝一杯咖啡

我不以为然，我没有这方面的需要

有一回，Berni问我要不要一点咖啡提提神

我说我不要，我不喝咖啡

她纠正我，是还不需要

可是我在二十分钟里面就睡着了，哈哈哈哈哈！

突然又聊起咖啡，是因为又开始读起等一个人咖啡

开始读等一个人咖啡，是因为表妹给我看她去了一家好漂亮的咖啡座

我对咖啡的不排斥应该是因为这本书吧

跟着思萤走进等一个人咖啡，遇见阿不思老板娘乱点王泽于阿拓暴哥洗衣店仓仔等等

我一直期待着有一天，我也有一个自己的落脚处

在一个自己熟悉的咖啡店，一个除了家以外的归属

 

我也想过要开一家咖啡店。想说店名可以叫我和朋友开玩笑时说的”eat n run”

那是因为他们说如果我开了小吃店他们要吃免费的

我说，“你们放心，我一定会让你们吃免费，但你们要跑快一点，为了方便，点名我会取eat n run，那你们好识别。”

但我一直不知道我想要买什么

我才不要卖弱爆的娘炮意大利面

说真的意大利面谁不会做啊！为什么要到外面吃？

而且我吃过的意大利面只有百分之三是好吃的

卖蛋糕嘛，始终还是很娘炮

我想卖自己喜欢吃，而且很会做的东西

我想卖bagel！吃了很有饱足感，而且重点是，我喜欢！

又或者，我可以开一家早餐店！

小小的就好，却弥漫着烤炉和煎猪肉的香气，还有枫糖浆！

在美国的时候，示威的第二天，我到邻近的一家早餐店

我们进去的时候没有人，老板娘跟我讨论者我该喝什么饮料

后来进来一个老头，他揣着报纸，等老板娘把他的咖啡端上来

就开始跟老板娘一起聊着当天报纸的头条，再聊到左邻右舍，在突然转过身问我

“are you guys the one on the newspaper?”

我说是，他继续又说他也常常到那家麦当劳，却不知道原来还有这件事诸如此类的

我一直记得那家早餐店。

也许因为它的装饰和点缀很温馨，用的都是老板娘家人的照片

柜台还有一张小孩的照片手舞足蹈着

老板娘瞧见我的眼神，跟我说那是她的孙子，今年10岁了

感觉，那家店就像是老板娘孕育出来的一样

我也好希望能有自己孕育出来的一个东西，让我坚定不移的守着

在那里，有好多类似的这种家庭似的小吃店

大家好像不是很在意赚了多少亏了多少

就这么安然的继续存在着

走出那家店，我看着蓝白交错的天空

冷冷的空气窜进我的衣兜里

我搓了搓手，收回视线，迈开脚步，走路回家

但脑袋里却开始住了一个思绪，

“追逐梦想，不知满足，这两者之间我是不是分得开来？”

 

堕落天使中，何志武在晚上潜入店里，假装自己是店长

有时卖冰淇淋，有时卖猪肉，有时当理发师

我也好想像他一样，每个什么都试一遍

我一直觉得，做人，和开店不一样。即使店是有感情的

做人是主动的，你要主动地去生活

开店是被动的，你要被动的去配合

也许这就是我这么想开店的原因

我一直觉得我的生活中，我是主动的

一旦看上那一个梦想，我是牛脾气得就算把世界反过来也在所不惜

亲菇琳管我叫牛仔，就是因为这个

因为这样主动累了，我也想看看如果放开手什么都不管会发生什么事

开店的话，现在流行什么，你得配合着干

流行江南style了，你得在店里播这歌，最好能把店整得跟鸟叔启发的一样

流行珍珠奶茶了，你得在菜单上加上珍珠奶茶之类的商品

流行个性咖啡馆了，你得快点把店整修成一个主题风格

流行minion了，你也得把它的玩偶摆个两三只在店里

最好你自己还长得有非主流一点，人家会觉得你很有个性

毕竟，我周围的人里面，他们都是那么肤浅

你看啊，那些美食部落客，那些梦幻美少女

他们需要的是一个新的地方，一个新的相片背影

他们不会管你的意大利面跟pizza hut差在哪里

只要长得不一样，那就是有创意

只要味道不一样，那就是独家秘方

但她们很容易腻

她不会天天来你店里吧？人家的部落格是要常常更新的

即使你的蛋糕曾经是她们的“哦～好幸福哦”

不出几天，他们又会找到新的地方

而你的“哦～好幸福哦”只能静静躺在她们的部落格里

成为另一个数字，成为另一个链接

这就是我一直在思考的事情

我不想开一家没有什么的店

我想开一家店，不要沦为相片背景的一家店

店也是有感情的啊，我们不要遗弃他

我想开一家店，不时更新装潢，不时更新菜色

卖古早味的冰品！卖记忆中的味道！

然后要在门口贴着，

“好傻好天真慎入”或者，“粉红怪兽退散”之类的牌子

切，我可是个真汉子！

啊～我想来杯摇摇冰！

但我又想，其实开店不尽是被动的

他有很多主动的成分，比如觉得自己店的个性

比如主动地去招揽客户群，比如价钱的定位

好吧，做人其实跟开店大同小异好了。

“2009年2月17日晚上9点43分，我开了Quietly Fantastic。

欢迎词是‘我躲在这里，手握着香槟’，

它就好像是一家店，我不知道能停留多久，当然，越久越好。”

--李佳恩

我只想好好写故事。

写我自己的。

写我和朋友们的。

写我虚构的。

美国之于我

In between working: (these are all day trip)
- Harrisburg
- Philadelphia (Art Museum, Capitol Building, LOVE Square)
- Washington DC (Lincoln Memorial, white house, Smithsonian Natural History Museum, SMithsonian Air & Space museum, Capitol Building)
- Niagara Falls

After Working:
- New york (Time Square, Empire State Building, Rockfeller Centre, Statue of Liberty, Wall Street, Trinity Church, 911 Memorial Park, Brooklyn Bridge, Madame Tussauds, Central Park, Chinatown)
- Orlando  (Universal Orlando Resort, Disneyland, Premium Outlet)
- Las Vegas (Grand Canyon, Fremont Street, Premium Outlet, Bellagio Fountain Show)
- San Francisco (Pier 39, Ghirardelli square, golden gate bridge, Lombard Street, Chinatown, Castro, Aloma Square)
- Hawaii (Waikiki beach, Diamond Head, Pipeline beach)

*Pipeline beach we follow ground tour one, can ask from hotel for those tour that inclue snorkeling or so)
*Must try a sunday brunch in newyork/fridaysaturday night in time square (it is so new york)
*Statue of liberty & Empire State building got many ticket seller selling combined ticket for both. But when I go, statue of liberty is under renovation, so cannot go to the island. there is a ferry to staten island which is free, can see statue of liberty also
*911 memorial park is free but need to reserve ticket
*Smithsonian Museums are AWESOME
*must try loco moco & stand up paddle-boarding in Hawaii(my personal opinion la~)
*Must try In-n-out burger in San Francisco
*Diamond head is worth the hike, quite an easy hike also (my personal opinion also!)
*Bellagio Fountain show is free show, everyday start from 7pm I think
*Grand Canyon & Niagara Fall is AWESOME!
*There is a ticket booth named  "Tix4U" in vegas that sells a lot of half price ticket for shows and dining places, quite a worthy deal.
*Plan out your time for broolyn bridge and Empire State building (spectacular views for both day and night)

朋友说去美国前和去美国后的我好不一样

以前她问一句我答一句，现在她问一句我答十句

其实，我很高兴这样的自己

真的很高兴

乘着风吧！

诶昨天离了题，居然给忘了我原本是要写泰囧的

哎，脑子放着久了也就钝了

说说泰囧吧

和表妹再看了一遍，我突然在想，徐朗的坏牙，王宝的范冰冰

我的梦想会是哪一个？

亲菇琳不止一次说我是固执的，是牛脾气

虽然我并不这么赞成，但必须说，当我牛起来，超级斗牛都没有我牛啊

我常常觉得很多东西，我是基本无所谓的

比如吃什么，干什么，去哪里，长怎样

但某些点上，要是我有了执着，那我绝对会将执着进行到底！

不然绝不善罢甘休！

我觉得吧，我有自己的坚持，在别人看起来幼稚得可笑，我却觉得很是重要！

比如东邪西毒里杨采妮捧着鸡蛋，要为弟弟报仇，她不也等到了洪七吗？

虽然我也对她那种坚持不以为然，但说穿了，我的牛脾气也就是那么点回事儿

为了自己的认为，拼了老命

我还是觉得，当人家问我，“诶这样，真的值得吗？”

那一个耸耸肩，满不在乎的说着“我也不知道”的我，很好

好像，还活在青春期里肆意地挥霍的样子，真的很好

可是当徐朗说，坏牙被踢掉后，也就不疼了

我又不禁在想，会不会我这些所有的坚持，其实就是个屁

我的人生，原本该是什么样子呢？

亲菇宴说她觉得很多事情似乎都冥冥之中有注定，好像自己是顺着命运在走

那如果冥冥之中有注定，我们那些奋不顾身地争取又算什么？

还是命运，早就注定了那些奋不顾身的争取？

再比如宝宝，他坚定不移的为着妈妈，终于还是让他和范冰冰度蜜月了

他那份强大的坚持在命运之前算什么？

无所事事的现在，我多的是时间思考这些虚幻抽象的空想

究竟，我是该学徐朗那样看开，还是宝宝那样坚定不移呢？

我最常拿来反复思考的事情，就是去美国打工旅游这件事

如果时光倒流，我还是会义无反顾的再去一遍

但毕竟是一件不在正常规划里的事，它像是我平静生活的外遇那样的不平凡

如果你认识我爸爸，你会理解这是一件多么难以接受的事情

打我哥参加那个台湾交换生计划那时起，爸爸就跟我说过

“哥哥那么去我还是会担心，但毕竟是男孩子，你是女孩，你的话就太危险了”

看着我金刚外型还能脸不红气不喘的说我是女孩这类的话的，估计也就我爸了

爸爸总是神志清醒的记得我是一个女孩儿，不管现实中我是多么的霸道蛮横粗鲁

呵呵，爸爸，就冲这个，我服了。

但爸，我这是名副其实的金刚身斗牛心啊！

我拗起来，美国战机都抓不住我，我就是要在帝国大厦上边拍胸怒吼啊！

就这样，爸爸拗不过我，摸摸鼻子不断的叮咛，还是让我去了

比哥哥远，比哥哥久，比哥哥还要充满不确定数

我爸爸的防线被我一再地冲破，没法儿，养了头金刚牛你难道还期待我跳天鹅湖吗？

（有时候我也内疚，毁了爸妈公主女儿的梦我能这么恬不知耻的阳光灿烂）

（可我也就一金刚，我能有多细腻的情感啊）

我积极的争取，几乎是精神暴力似的积极争取

爸爸无可奈何的让步，金刚再次获得胜利，继续骄傲的在帝国大厦顶部砸飞机

但我还是常常思考，如果当初我不那么残暴的积极，我还会去吗？

命运会不会早就预定了我会去，不管我是否争取？

写到这里，我好想开始有了一幅构图

念书的时候，我们管它叫decision tree，那是一个很少分的东西

我想啊，命运，其实就是一套笼统的生活公式

比如我出生前就注定是女的，

比如我出生后就注定是母的，

比如我小学生涯就注定是六科甲等

比如我PMR就注定是七科甲等 （这就解释了为什么我明明中一到中三考那么烂，结果PMR却…）

比如我考了七科甲等，但在前面六班的都是八科甲等，瞬间把七科甲等甩了八条大马路

比如我进了第八班，却认识了亲菇琳，认识了亲菇宴

比如我成绩继续爆烂，中五的时候再接再厉的和亲菇琳亲菇宴碰到了一起，还同桌呢！

比如我的朋友们总是一年一年的更新变换，一直到亲菇琳亲菇宴愿意交我这个朋友，一直到现在我们都还在黄色潜水艇中天真烂漫的活着

比如。。。。。各式各样，林林总总的比如

如果当初中四的时候我忒努力，一不小心升了半，今天的我也许还是会跟现在差不多

但会带着别一样的人生故事吧？

也许我还是会和亲菇宴亲菇琳当上好朋友

也许我会有别的好朋友，扮演着和他们俩一样的角色

也许吧

但我只能选一条路走，

以前的我不明白为什么要生活

所以我把人生摊在青春的正午时候，任由阳光无情的曝晒

现在我终于明白不为什么，就为自己

如果我什么都不争取，我还是活得下去

但如果我试试看，我会过得有趣许多

命运有很多个版本，他错综复杂地联系着我们每一个人

看似我的决定，但却也牵动着别人的步伐，我相信蝴蝶效应。

也许，如果徐朗坚持下去，他会争取改进油霸

他可能会离婚，然后再把老婆孩子追回来

这样宝宝不会遇到范冰冰，但他妈妈可能会被自己儿子的傻劲儿感动

然后，那又是另外一个完美的结局

人生就像一场戏，结局只能有一个

有的导演喜欢拍两个版本的结局，但观众还是会认定一个

也许人生最不公平的，也就是人生只能有一个结局

你想要怎样的结局呢？

 金刚的结局是从帝国大厦摔下来，死在心爱女孩的眼皮底下

如果他没有发狂，他也许会和成为著名的动物演员，和女孩偶尔碰面

如果他没有从岛上追出来，他也许会继续过着他深林中我是老大的写意生活

一辈子当中，我们会做上万千个选择题

每一个选择题都和接下来的选择息息相关

我们参不透当中的玄机

那既然参不透，那就乘着风吧！

Ride the wind!

一生渺渺的渺

和伊萌看过一部电影，“人在囧途之泰囧”

是在美国过华人新年的时候，我们努力的搜着提供下载的链接

再一次看，还是觉得宝宝那一头金发堪称一绝

第一年不在家里过的春节，我们俩囧了

后来我一直不舍得把电影删除，即使我再也没有点来看

但永远还是把删除的鼠标默默的移开

也许是怀念着那段时光的一种睹物思人

那段时光里留下的一切，我总舍不得扔掉

把旅途中的小册子，票根，收据和一堆有的没的装成一大袋子放在房间的角落

实在是不舍得扔掉啊，即使妈妈叨叨念着要把我的房间改成垃圾场我依然故我

也不知道其他的大家会不会像我这般偶尔抬头，

似乎看见当年冬天的雪花缓缓的落在脸上，肩膀上，外套上

那是一个不容打扰的速度，我着了迷般伫立在后院收集着那些轻飘飘的雪花

回到马来西亚后，那些热得让人想学铁达尼号撞冰山的天气

总是让我不其然的想起那些冷得哆嗦的天

我和大家走在夜晚的街边，聊着各种各样的话题，模仿着工作上的趣事

也想起那些天里，伊萌为了解瘾而陪我在冰天雪地里走去超市

两个人抱怨着，用力的抱怨着

那是一段没有以后的日子。

前几晚陪表妹又重新看了一遍 “人在囧途之泰囧”

这些日子以来，“找不到工作”这一个梦魇一直寸步不离的守护着我

深怕我过得太过开心了，而忘了自己的渺小和，无用

每每打开电脑，想说查了邮箱就要码点字

可邮箱里满满的未读邮件永远都是锲而不舍的广告商们，一个招聘的启示都没有

如此残忍的画面总有办法毁掉我的一天，再接再厉的毁掉往后的每一天

就这样，我看着荧幕里倒映出来，存在感愈发稀薄的自己

不想写下灰色的自己，所以我一直逃避着

心里满心期待的说，等照照工作了，一并码一篇“找（不到）工作的痛”吧

时间没有滴答的过，它嗖的一下光速的带我穿越期待，直抵耻辱的深渊

所以我现在在这里，无比屈辱的，写着一事无成的李佳恩

一事无成，形容得可以算是恰到其痛

等着成绩的现在

等着人生再度怒放的现在

我站在人群中间，那么孤单

左边，是那些初入社会努力的打拼着的同学朋友

右边，是那些还在大学幸福的憧憬着的学弟学妹

而我，站在人群中间，那么孤单

两边都不是，我尴尬的把双手放入兜里，低下头

构思着如何开心的跟人家解释我的一无是处一无所有一无成事

最可怕的，是我不知道问题出在哪里

“嗯，没有消息，我的文凭比较不好吧”

“嗯，你说的对，我是没有别人那样的本钱，所以我很难”

“嗯，对啊，没有人打给我，有啊，有啦人家都有在帮我，不过我自己的能力到哪里我也心知肚明”

“嗯，希望咯，真希望那样的一天快点来”

“嗯，谢谢你们，真的谢谢你们，但我觉得还是不要太期待了”

“嗯，我会加油的，不会啦，我怎么会觉得失望”

强装理智，强颜欢笑

可难不成我要哭吗？

哭的呼天抢地也只能证明我是真的烂泥扶不上墙，只会哭着把自己变成泥巴

“两个月了，你还没找到工作啊？”

“那么久了，你还好意思待在人家家里？”

“随便找份工作吧，不要要求太高，就你那点本事有工作就不错了”

“你是比较胖，但只要你要求不高，你还是会有工作的啦”

“你真的有再找工作吗？”

“什么？你还没找到工作啊？你想找什么？总经理吗？脚踏实地一点嘛”

“你周围的同学啊朋友啊都有工作了吧？你难道一点都不急吗？”

继续强装理智，继续强颜欢笑

锥心

1. 扶墙而出，已踏不出任何声音
2. 怎么那么贵啊？

off the edge

it kept me wonder

was simply reminded of the law of attraction thingy..
did I outdo that during the whole work n travel thingy?

I just lose will in trusting anymore
It feels just right to curl up and read any books and call it a day.

 I am losing the edge I used to have chasing behind what I want

Or is that what I want?

Since the protest, I wished I could be someone more helpful.

That night before the protest, we were at the parking lot of union hall
spraying the posters, first with me berni and jorge
and then jorge was up to something else and came luis
Then Nelson took a picture of us
and Nelson took me away to talk something, just final check on me i guess
I have been quiet, too quiet they say.

When I got back to Berni, posters are almost done.
We arranged the posters, stacking them one above another
AJ was smoking while looking
I hardly spoke to him so we barely know each other
he randomly asked me what do i study back in college?
Ironically, I am an accounting student.
He laughed for a slight bit and say, "never expected you will be doing this huh?"

yea....never.

I practically study what Andy is doing, like how to make maximum profit.

and then we went back to the office space, everyone seem to have something to keep them busy,
I sat alone beside the door, and draw stuffs...
I had a pretty complicated mind during that time
protest? no protest? speaker? I don't know what I'm doing...

I think I drew a Mcdouble..
remembering the first time Lance had me in the kitchen and taught me those basic burger stuffs

Berni came by and saw my drawings
she said she loved the rose i was drawing
I said I'd give it to her...which i didnt had a chance to eventually

I miss you Berni,
I never told you but what kept me through the journey was what you said,
"the idea of protest is to disturb the system"

thats the key to my thoughts that I kept still up until present

Thank you. For a real short period of time, like a few days,
I took you as an elder sister I always wished for
Thank you.

Then Jacob stood right in front of me, giving me the smile of, "ya, you will be a speaker too"

I awkwardly responded and then had a brief discussions with him and Jorge.


Until today, I reminisce into those moments.

Just some moments that I don't know how to let go?

The fact is, it is hardly that any of those moments will be re-lived again.
those group of people, it is impossible to bring everyone together again..
but those days were good
where we have pizzas and subs while talking issues
to the state department, to the press, to the public

what did that make me become?

Not long after the protest, chingulin asked me if I would wanna be involved in politics now

I said, Not really politics, but something that can help people?
like i don't know, but something more directly involved in helping the minors




I remember Nelson's expressions
when he patiently trying to talk people through their worries
and when he constantly check out of everybody by asking, "so how do you feel?"

i am never a person where people care how i feel
so i was all blunt when he asked me
i stuttered badly and end up saying..."feel..feel what? i don't really feel things.."

like what the shit am I talking?

oh and the night before protest, he is sending me off to work and have cheryl them on the car with sarah
and he had to turned around facing us and squad in the most funny or weird posture ever
and his face when he heard "whatsapp"
he went all turning his head between sarah and us while mumbling, "what apps is whatsapp?"

every single second I am with them
I can't help but ask, "how on earth did I wind up with this people here?"

how? I don't know, but i sure enjoyed that!
Like yimeng would say, 哇这比在麦当劳上班刺激多了！

.
.
.
.
.
.

and back to reality, its July 9th.
What happened to me?
Nothing.

Ever since I came back from the work and travel,
I have sunk into a bottom-less valley
I am still sinking in

Do I wish for someone to pull me out?
Yes.
Do I expect that to happen?
No.

Simple as that, but I just couldn't help myself but letting my emotions go drastically up and down and even down-er

after everything that i have been through
I thought I would be stronger than this


not like this leekahinn
nothing like this

I expected a braver leekahinn

and now we are all devastated

nothing is able to attract us anymore

did the 23 year old you left with the previous leekahinn?
she shouldn't have
now get her big fat ass back on the ground and battle

your life needs her.
my life needs her.
Our life, needs her.

why oh why can't i

因为是真心喜欢，所以愿意赌上一切

有人在角落窃笑，嘲弄我的狼狈

但是那些离开的李佳恩们，却用了6年的时间来证明，
只要肯等，你就可以战胜时间

我说战胜时间吗？我真不自量力啊


明知道爬得高就要耐得跌，可是呢
还是会怕的就是我


昨天正式离开亲菇的宿舍
其实算是很匆忙的道别
但心里满满的还是悲伤

下一次再见面，我们会在那里
我们又会是如何的

我觉得，我们像是欲求不满的三个人
但表面上看起来有时候我们很像了无生气毫无追求兴致缺缺

我们有一种追求，追求着一种生活的惬意
我们总梦想着过一种安定的，快乐的，放松的，生活
是吗？

都喜欢逃离生活的繁琐，都喜欢避世入桃花源

可我始终认为我们还是勇敢的
还是愿意在一堆堆抱怨声中紧抓著自己，努力的战斗着
我们都遇过挫折，我们都曾经为生活而迫于无奈去违背自己的初衷
去完成着自己已然不再有热情的事

也许是曾经那样，现在的我们比较保护自己的初衷
总是追求着所谓的做自己，也许那代表与世俗的眼光背道而驰

有一条路，它让你走得遍体鳞伤
可是你心甘情愿，那就是坚持自我
那就是，你人生的意义

有些追求，在别人眼里看来是很可笑的
大家甚至劝阻你，劝你回头是岸，不要飞蛾扑火

但是我是固执的人
我宁愿飞蛾扑火，葬身火海也不向自己苟且活着
如果你曾经昧着良心去违背自我
那你应该明白，夜夜抱着破碎的梦在止不住的泪中睡去是一种残酷的凌迟

"If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow,

why oh why can't I?"

-Somewhere over the rainbow

我是伤心的人，我不听慢歌
我是伤心的人，我不放逐自己在无边无际的伤心中遨游
我是伤心的人，但我会装作很开心
我会，尽全力去说服自己，伤心都是假的，只有梦想才是真实的

多么笨的想法，可是我心甘情愿

有些梦想是烟火，只供远观
但，我选择奔向烟火，死在灿烂的火光之中，
用一辈子的力量，去到最靠近我梦想的地方





在我的心上，那一块最柔软的地方
那里住着任性的我，就这么挥霍着我所有的勇气和青春

不要再问谁是对的谁是错的谁是谁非谁又亏欠谁了反正错了反正输了反正自己陪自己快乐

Too much heaven

soon enough
chingulin is leaving her nightmare in UTM for good

she thanked me for leaving her some good memory during her final stay in UTM
I thanked her for giving me a window to breath during my disastrous job search

somehow, I think that this time I say goodbye to her,
I don't know when will we see each other again


when everything fade into absolute silence,
I wonder why do I always everyone behind me.

at times, I wonder if what I have been searching is within those I have left behind



there is a folder in my memory
in it lies all those images of my beloved people waving to me

When I am tired of looking forward, tired of running towards the future,
I stood aside and look back in time

of those time that is scatter along my memory lane
I realize I have chosen the path to be lonely all along

of those time that I blindly live without much thinking
I realize I have been used to be a lonely fighter

of this life, I have been sub-consciously decided that I should be just me and nothing more.


ChinguLin left three years ago, for her studies miles away in this very UTM
ChinguYen left three years ago, for her studies countries away in that very Manchester

I stayed in Penang.
Nostalgically reminisce into good old days while I weep in the memories

Now, ChinguLin is done of what she has to and she is returning home.
Now, ChinguYen finished her searching and is returning for new searches.

I left Penang.
Stranded in a land trying hard for a dream comes true while I still weep in my memories.

I think I lived my life fearlessly

I had times of fear, and I had times of adventure.

"Its the heart afraid of breaking, that never learn to dance." - The Rose, Bette Midler



It began to sound really weak when I say I am afraid of loneliness.

People I loved always asked,
"Why can't you stay?"

and I always thought that is because I have a soul who yearns for adventure
because I have a soul who refused to stay put
because I have a soul who never feel satisfied

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" - Helen Keller

I believed in that, strongly
and stubbornly believe life should be a fuckin damn bungee jump cum roller coaster ride

Live life dangerously, I would say.


Do I, really?


Or is it I am the coward who have lived enough of people leaving,
that I decided to leave first?



I somehow know I am a jerk in terms of friends.

I always know I could have done more for my friend
Yet, I didn't.



All this friendships I cherish right now,
I have done the least and these friends are the one who have tried hard to keep me

If you ever ask, no, I don't think I worth any of the efforts of my friends
They just simply took me in as friend even when I am hesitating...

I am a jerk, I deserve nothing.
to be honest, I think I deserve a lonely life where I die alone.


and sometimes, because of these people,
I tried to live my life with extra care.

People made effort to keep me, the least I could do now is to at least be a nice friend that worth the love of friendship.

I am scared of losing my friends, but I don't know what I can do.

Friendship isn't shopping, you pay and you get what you want.
Love itself, isn't a transaction.

Instead, they are eternal commitment that requires constant input.

I am lucky, because a jerk like me deserve no love and friend
but I end up with much love from family and friends

Compared to most people of my age, I have much fewer friends.
But I would proudly say, that all of these people I call friends, they are true-hearted and accepted me the way I actually am
They have seen the worst of me, and have gave me friendship during my darkest days

I appreciate that. Thank you god.
Thank you my fearless friend for putting your faith in me.


How many people have fellows that walk down the memory lane with them sharing stories of the same scene?
How many people have a number to call to when they are so down they would die of hopeless-ness?

I don't know how many of them, but I am one of them.


"How is your life?"
"Full of awesome lovely people"



I thought I wanted to leave because I want to see the world
I thought, I am prepared to fight a life of lonesome

I thought, I would smile when I misses my friends.

I did smile, beneath my cry every single time I miss my friends.

Cry because I am too far away for a hug,
Smile because I have all of them on that one softest spot of my memory in my heart.





*ChinguLin
*ChinguYen
*Jo
*NAP
*Van



My friend, if any of you ever see this,
please know that I love you and I am ever thankful that you have me as a friend.

Forgive me for flying

Years ago, I used to visit sanjie right here in UTM Johor.
Years later, I am visiting chingulin right here in UTM Johor.

Both whom I am very closed to.

We were out to some ayam penyet place for dinner
and then we went the legendary taman U jusco

it brought back so much memories.

back then, Sanjie used to have a friend working in Dunkin's Donuts
He would bring home the leftovers where I can have as supper
those days, Sanjie's friends would treat like lil' sister
and bring me all kind of food

I guess, that was the first time ever I know what a university life is like.

When I was a kid.


and now, I am 23. Barely a kid, at least barely expected to be.

No one comes around and say, "oh xiao mei mei, ni xiang chi somok?"
I have my own friends now
I have a lot of things to my own now

my own bills, my own worries, my own ice cream, my own handphone, my own...life.

Have you ever think about that one moment when you are officially granted the right over your life?

I do.
Especially times like now, where I am too free for nothing.

those days, we are structured to share everything with the siblings
those days, we are in huge desperation for something solely owned by ourselves
those days, I never expected loneliness

Just those days, huh.

If I put point A on those days, and I out point B on this exact point right now

what a god damn life I have been through eh

a long distance i have traveled
a complicated bunch of feelings I have felt


Here I am
stranded on the beach being one of the "candidates for a vacancy"
How should I feel? Like Finally?

I always think back to those days when I was eager to grow up and live on my own

those times, I have yet to learn a hard goodbye
those times, the worst goodbyes are the ones i said as i leave pontian

but now, I have had a lot of hard goodbyes.
I am sick of having hard goodbyes
but then, I am the one who never hesitate for a tiny bit to leave

I guess, most people thought saying goodbye is easy for me
Well, ya.

I feel sorry to my parents sometimes.
When I am dragging my luggage, and caught a glimpse of them waving hands
it has reached the time aint it?
the time where my parents no longer leads me
the time where i have to find my own direction


Before doing things, I sometimes mention this to myself, "Be a 23"

Ever since mayday's concert, I know something in me has ended
regardless of my approval, something has ended
Something in me has burst into the sky along with the stunning fireworks during the concert
Something, that I will never get back for the rest of my life
my past.

and its all behind me now.

I have never felt so alone before.
The previous leekahinns have all left.
the 17-year-old, the 18-year-old, the 19, the 20, 21, 22

I felt like I have done what they wanted
its good to feel accomplished over my past
but it sucks to feel lonely

Waking up in the morning, feeling the fear of having a blank to-do-list
i helplessly cry in my dreams and through my shower

Did I lose my courage to dream big?
After everything I have been through, and what have I become?



This could be just the usual anxiety people have during jobsearch
and here I am, magnifying it again, and push myself into the dead well of hope
It feels like everything around me is wonderful except me



2am in the morning
and I'm here with my emotions and shit
with chingulin and her coursemate sleeping beside me

At some point of life, try to step out
and you will realize how random you are to be where you are



and randomly,
I think I should watch some comedy now

well.

till then.

emotions and shit.

job search and shit.

stuffs and shits.