Towards the end of winter

So this is a piece of something I started few weeks back

when i'm tired of telling things about my january?

It was some dark days, I had to keep on writing before I lose myself.

I love writing.

Writing tells me who I am. 

***********************************************

There is always another FINE day.

Just as fine.

On the afternoon that I met her, I was on shift  with yi meng. It was just another day when I clean my trays, do the trash and serving happy meals. It wasn’t any particularly busy in the store, everyone just come in, some families, some friends, some old friends, some just all by themselves. Yi Meng still throw me a look every time she got near my station. We planned to go shopping after work, and probably will have my favourite five guys burger.

So there is this old lady.

She was lining patiently behind a family. The father had the 4-year-old to order his own meal, that’s what took so long. The little boy had problem deciding between cheeseburger and chicken nuggets. He had me changed the order a few times, that I can already feel the laser-eyes shot from my manager right towards me. 

Yet I smiled, just working up to my regular pace. The rule is, never give a shit of your managers’ emotions. They are supposed to be numb.

So I serve off the family, and here comes the old lady. I began to recognize her over a number of her visits. 

Most of the time, she would go with a mcchicken and pair with a cone. Or sometimes she end up with a 6 piece nuggets happy meal, and she will always return me the toy.

“Why not you keep it?” I say, “You can keep for your grandchildren”

“Oh no, it’s ok. “ She replies.

“Or I’ll take it and give you a cone instead, but we gotta keep that from my manager” I suggest in a much softer voice

“Oh? Haha, that is really nice of you! But I am fine. Thanks” as she pushes the toy towards me.

“Well then I will keep the toy for some other kids then.” I gave in with a smile.

She smiled, picked up her handbag, and went into the ladies before she left through the side door.

Frankly speaking, she is just an old lady, much like any other old lady from the neighborhood. She is properly dressed with a 2-piece suit, carries a decent handbag, wears a pair of teacher’s glasses, and speaks in an appropriate volume and speed.

And she sometimes leaves me some chocolate as tips.

Now that I recall, I have met plenty of old people during that winter itself.

But she, she is the one that I actually had a chance to sit down and talk with. That was on my last week of stay in Camphill. I randomly walked into a really nice looking breakfast place, and am surprised to see her behind the counters. I must have made the surprising face for she smiled at me and mentioned how strange it is to serve me instead of being served by me.

I looked around the shop as she passes me the menu. It is a handmade menu by some kids, some kids with no access to computers. It is actually just a piece of paper glued to a brown cardboard. There are some obviously-randomly-cut shapes here and there around the menu. I, as usual, have the choice with the biggest portion(or at least named that way)-The BIG Breakfast, and a cup of hot milk. Funny to think how I always thought a cup of hot milk is a luxury, like whichever shop that serves luxury, will have themselves a special seat in my list of “Nice and thoughtful shops”.

She has this lil’ open kitchen bar seats, so I shifted myself there, expecting to grab some chats with her. I asked about why she serves hot milk? She looked kinda puzzled by the question, but still she replied,

“why not? I have a microwave, and I have milk”, as she pour the milk into a cup

“Because it wasn’t that common back in my hometown” I said.

“Where are you from?” closing the microwave door, she is.

“I’m from Malaysia.” Me, expecting her to ask what is Malaysia.

“Malaysia? Somewhere near China?” She opens the fridge.

“Nope, it’s underneath Thailand.” Me, all prepared.

“Oh, Thailand. Bangkok? Sorry I’m not good at this places thing” She turned to me with a sorry-smile

“oh no its ok, like I never understand the difference between the west and the east of America” I said.

“Is this your first time here?” serving me the hot milk

“yea, first time exploring the world all by myself” me feeling the milky hot steam

“So how is it going with you so far? Any good?”  She getting the plate

“Not bad I guess, working in the mcdonalds, meeting all sort of people, and WINTER!” sudden excitement by me

“here you go, the breakfast. I hated the winter” She serves the food

“Haha, I thought winter was the best weather before I came, then now I’m on the hunt again, for a place of spring all year round.” I sliced the sausages.

‘DING DING’

The bell on the corner of the door chimes as a huge-figured guy walks in with his newspaper. He didn’t bother to look anywhere but just sat right beside me. As he sat, he threw the newspaper on the table and took a minute fitting himself into the seat comfortably.

As he sat, the lady, of lightning speed, served him a cup of coffee almost immediately.

He took a sip, and began to look less harmful. At least I thought so.

I pluck up my courage and said, “Good Morning”

He turned to me and was about to say the same, except it came out as, “Aren’t you that mcdonalds girl?”

I wasn’t ready for that, so I guess I looked clumsy for a second in there, in which he went on saying, “is this really that surprising?”

To think of that, I have always been the kind of Mcdonalds worker that the management would hate. The kind who would give extra French fries, extra drinks, extra apple slices and stuffs like that. I love seeing the customers went off with a smile. Anyone by the counter could have been through a terrible day, why not make it a little bit less horrid? My manager may not agree with me, but who cares anyway?

“I just never thought I’d ever be remembered as something called ‘the mcdonalds girl’, it’s not flattering, but I’ll still take it as a compliment” I replied him.

“Oh hahahaha, I noticed some of you Chinese in that particular store. You and your friends, how long have you guys been here?” He drank his coffee, while the lady is cooking what better to be named, his routine, I guess.

“A couple of months, but we’re leaving soon, real soon. Like next week.” I said

“Next week? No way! All of you?! Where are you heading?” He said, relatively calm.

“Some of us are leaving this weekend, but me and 3 other girls are leaving only next week. We’re kicking start our travel plan! Starting off with New York.” I say, slicing my last piece of sausage, and damn, aren’t those the best sausages I have ever had or WHAT!

“Oh right, I heard from your friends that you guys are of some sort of work and travel plan” finally getting his big breakfast too, but unlike mine, he got it double of my portion.

“Yeap, and finally we have reached the travel part.” I say, while having a hard time scooping the scrambled eggs for myself.

“That must be real good fun, you know, I used to travel a lot when I was younger. I have been to Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, Indonesia, Vietnam…. a whole long list I can go.” Him speaking as the lady grabs a seat in front of me.

“That sounds fun, how old were you back then?” I ask

“well, young. Too young maybe?” he says, as he wobbled a whole piece of pancake coated in some golden maple syrup.

“Never too young!!!!” I say, and act all determined with my fist held tight.

He and the lady laughed.

We then went on and talked about Asia, and a little bit of Africa.

The old lady sat there, just listening.

Then I out of nowhere, began to tell my once-upon-a-time dream of having small little restaurant or café like this. Small, warm, cozy, quietly fantastic I say. I told them I promised my friend I would name my restaurant ‘eat n run’. They all laughed and asked why. I told them about my food friends, I told them about the marvelous food I have in my pretty little Penang Island, I told them about my favorite fruit is durian and it is the king fruits, I even tell them I think the bananas they have in the mart are pathetic.

We all laughed.

The man then turned to the old lady and say, “it’s funny how this girl reminds of me Steve”

“She resembles him in many way.” Says the lady, still smiling

“Steve who?” I asked

“My son, Steve.” The lady ended.

“Oh where is he now?” I ask, not realizing she might prefer the conversation to stop right there.

“Last time I heard, he was in Thailand.” The lady speaks, though she looks towards the entrance of the shop, it was as if she is staring through everything and looking into the past.

“When was it? Like 5 years ago?” The man lifted his head up a little bit, and looked down again.

“5 years? He was in Thailand 5 years ago?” I asked

“ya, or so I was told” The lady adjusted her posture a bit, as if she was gonna stand and leave, but she settled down

“….Can I ask what happened? But if you don’t feel like telling, its definitely fine” who else but me

“No worries, it isn’t any big of a deal.” She smiles, “Steve is my son. He turned 33 2 months ago.”

She began flipping something from a drawer down the counter.

“He ran away from home when he was 16, here, this is him when he was 4” the lady handed over a picture.

As much as the man beside me seems to be concentrating in his breakfast and the newspaper, I have a feeling that he is actually listening very closely. Probably because he looks TOO concentrate, such simple action will look very strange especially when you are overdoing it.

I took a good look at the picture; there is a little boy in his sailor suit. The background should be some sort of park or lake. I then looked at the lady again, expecting her to continue the story.

“He was like any other boy, naughty, playful, just a really active boy. I would bring him to the park most of the weekends, with his father. Most of the families would do the same, it is almost a routine. Steve loves playing kites in the park, and he is pretty good at it.” She, holding the picture.

“After the park, we would go to this diner on Python Street. It used to be my sister’s, Steve loves the burger there. But my sister sold it few years back, it used to be at the corner of the Dollar-tree store.” She added.

Awkward silence or like 30 seconds, just the sound of newspaper flipping by the guy. 

I think he is flipping a little bit too much, proof of over-acting #2!

“Well then, he just ran away. No notes. No apparent reason why, at least not that I know.” The lady continued after what could be the longest pause. “We weren’t the best parents to him maybe, and it’s too late when we realized.”

“…….. I don’t know what to say.” I was of pure honesty

“ahhh~ it was long ago. He still keep in touch with my sister’s son. And I’m pretty glad that he is doing okay. He has his life, and I have my life. I got that going for me and I think that’s pretty nice.” She stood up and start working with my leftovers.

The man bottom-up his coffee and asked for the bill.

I, too, walked to the counter and have a good look over the shop itself.

A very customized shop, with a story. Kind of cliché, but oh well, not every stories deserve a noble prize on being philosophic.

*************************************************************************

That night, yi meng and I went late-dinner at the Mcdonald’s we normally work at. We wanted to meet the overnight staffs once again and to have some pictures with them.

Lance had fun joking around and we talked about random funny experiences we had back then. I still remember clearly the first time he showed me how to make an Orange Fanta Slurpee. Also the first time he saw me putting salt into cokes and said he wanted to try. He ended up saying that tasted like water with dead body in it.

“arhhhh you American will never understand” I say, sipping my salty coke.

It was fun. Best time I had was back in that mcdonald’s kitchen fooling around with them. There was this one time when Lance asked me to count how many pack of sauces left, and I did it the Chinese way like 2 4 6 8 10, and I was counting in Chinese. Then when I’m done, I said a loud and clear “22” in Chinese. He looked at me all lost and was a little bit amazed. I went on telling him about the Chinese tend to count with multiplication 2 by 2. In between, I mentioned about I’m bad at math or so. The statement got both Lance and Brian triggered, they started making random math problem for me to solve.

It was all about 55+22-46 or 46 x 2 -57. For an accounting student, these are probably the thing that ran in my head everyday. I had them all solved super easily and they went all, 

“AND YOU ARE BAD AT MATH?!!!!!!!!”

I explained to them that I am bad at the type of math where they put the alphabet in. Something like 3x – 4y + 5z. Until today, I remember exactly both of their faces when I explain, they began saying, 

“THAT IS CALLED CALCULUS!”.

And Brian, he repeated “CALCULUS IS NOT MATH” for twice and he says,

“Calculus is not math, its like MAAAAAAATH” in the funny tone we used to hear on TV, like how people prolong the vocal pronunciation when they are confused.

Lance then added, “Calculus is not math, it’s like down the street at the corner of math”.

I laughed off and say, “I’m sorry, but I’m Asian.”

So then we reminisces all these funny parts and I began telling Yi Meng about that old lady.

“That old lady, remember not? The one you say always come for ice cream only one leh!” broken English is Asian style.

“the happy meal aunty ar?” broken English is how Asian roll.

“ YA YA YA, she la! This morning, I went to her shop to eat breakfast leh.” Broken English is Asian being friendly.

“Uh huh, then what? Give you free ar?” Broken English is Asian feeling home.

“No la! She tell me Her son run away, I think when he was 17 like that, I not very remember” Broken English is Asian’s secret code.

“GUYS, stop, there are Americans who speak normal English here.” Brian looked over

I looked to him and tell him about the old lady. Lance must have heard, well he is, after all, nosy.

“That lady? The one who always comes around eleven?” Lance

“Yes! The one I told you the other day, she always get happy meals without the toys.” Me

“I thought her son is dead.” Lance, looking serious.

“she told me he ran away.” Me, as my suspicious pooled themselves together slowly.

“No.. her son is dead. The whole neighborhood knows that.” Lance, getting more and more confident.

“but she says…..” my mind is a bush, and I’m beating around it.

“No wait, she said he ran away,” Brian looked towards me, and then he looked to Lance, “while all the others say he is dead; that somehow make sense too. He ran away, and he died.”

“Or probably she THOUGHT he ran away, but in fact he is dead.” Lance, wiping the milkshake machine.

“But! She mentioned the cousin! The one her son kept in touch with?” Me

“That’s easy, the cousin lied.” Brian.

“For future reference, in this world, people lie.” Lance, giving me life lesson.

Lance served me a McGangBang, and Yi Meng got her rainbow shake.

We stayed until next day morning, until they changed shifts and took a quick picture with us before they left.

*************************************************

Normally when a story sits in my folders, i will update it regularly.

but once i post it on facebook, it somehow just....fade away from my vivid memories. 

Anyhow, this story ended on a windy morning.

I sent Yi Meng off, and we both share the same stories. 

Hey January

So this is what sat through my so-called peak period of January..

I'd doodle a little from time to time, like when I'm waiting for documents

or when I don't wanna look too free which in fact I actually am...

That ought to explain why everything sounded 'out of nowhere'

********************************************

Hey January, so you’re ending now.

Maybe I’m lucky; you weren’t as tough as what I was told you would have been.

But I am devastated.

I was dying slowly inside.

For months something in me is shrinking.

From a burning flame it has now become a shivering spark

I’m keeping the spark, because that’s what I really am, and that is what I can do at the very least…

I didn’t reach the part of “life is tough”, but then I have learnt that being the leekahinn we want is not going to be easy.

As much as we wanted to keep being us, people will always judge.

The worst part? We can’t keep their voices away.

We are still sensitive to whatever the parents would say. We thought they understand us, but in fact they don’t. Probably only the friends do, or at least they accept the differences between our thoughts.

Everyone say, “don’t care what others say.”

But we really wanted our parents to stand strong in our ground; we worked all we can to gain their approval. They don’t have to think the way we do, but they can at least have faith in us.

Many have said, “leekahinn, you care too much.”

But we began to understand why we love oversea so much.

Because in that strange-foreign-faraway land, we get to be ourselves, while pretending that our family would back us up. We will have time for only ourselves, and probably some to just live in our day dream.

Some say we are losers, we cannot get what others have got.

But then again, we never are, the kind of people who live a life like any others. We are always the one who is specifically labelled with our names because we are different.

People will not tell their kids to look up to us, but we are the one who actually wake up excitedly, can’t wait to begin a day.

We are people like that. We are the one who would spend hours with the kids telling them the beautiful wonders of the world. That, is how leekahinn is supposed to be.

Remember how we wanted to be the one who tell the kids to grow up bravely, because everything ahead is all wonderful. We are gonna tell them that on every road, there will be tripping stones, but at the end of every road, there are rainbow waiting.

Some claimed they have never seen any rainbow, well that was because they spent all their lives walking others’ way. Everyone has their own destiny; I cannot walk your way while expecting to find my own rainbow. Mine is there waiting at the end of my journey and adventures.

When I eventually found my rainbow, I will sit with him and tell him all of my stories like a kid who just got home from her first day at school.

I stand tall as leekahinn, I will always be who I am. Even though that means being different, even though that means people will look at me and say what a freak.

I walked a whole long path to find who I am, I will not and never shall, throw that away by any means.

You can save your persuasion.

If I ever need a persuasion, it would be from the rock-hard wall that I have been crashing into.

That also, will not make any difference. Because, I have quietly fantastic in my DNA.

I wasn’t, am not, and will never be the normal girl next door.

I am living the life where they would put it on a magazine or newspapers to teach people about life.

In 3 years’ time, people will quote my name in their resignation letter to tell their employer that everyone deserves a life.

I am sorry my dear boss, you might be very good at your job, but you totally suck at being a boss.

You can’t keep me and that is your loss.

For you, there will always be another person to replace my position, but there ain’t nobody can replace me.

You failed to notice that, and I don’t feel sorry for you.

Your firm will survive on without me, but it will not marvel.

Sorry that I had to put it that way, but yes, it is true.

Some people try to tell you that this is how a job should be, tough, stupid boss, nasty client.

But tell them, there is a world of human. In that world, everyone uses their brain.

And WE DESERVED TO BE BRAIN-USED UPON.

As long as we are not happy, something is wrong.

Never compromise your smiles for anything.

And when someone wanna convince you about work now play later, politely ask them to

FUCK OFF

Work is a part of your life, so why should it be sucky?

Salary is a compensation given by your employer upon your work performed to ease his business.

He doesn’t owe you anything, and you don’t owe him anything either.

We are educated people, we talk about equality.

I work, I take your salary. Your salary compensates the work I performed.

PERIOD.

There is no one person in this world that deserves a sucky job.

You know why we have all these trouble about daily lives?

Have you ever imagine a world where everyone is genuinely happy?

You know, like everyone actually enjoy what they are doing?

Or should I start with, “have you been so happy that you just enjoy every single second of your life, and is thankful to be alive?”

I do.

Those days, were good.

I was working in Mcdonalds, and I couldn’t be happier.

Even I have nasty managers, I would whine about it and always end with a joke. I enjoy serving even those nasty customers! I was so happy that sometimes, I secretly pay for their food..

There is this time where a bunch of guys came in, and they are all bald. I asked if they got bulk discount at the hair stylist. One of them said they are doing that to show mental support to one of their friend who got cancer.

I thought it was really nice of them, so I gave them free apple pies, free sauces in which I later put in the money myself. Normally they make me charge for the extra sauces, that day, I gave them a whole bunch of sauces for free. What? People have a friend going through cancer; I just want to give them some positivity!

Or there is this old man who always come in with two other kids. The kids always order happy meal and the old man will go with a large black coffee. Every single time, I will purposely rush to make their fries. I will always stuff in extra fries and sometimes extra apple slices. I would give the old man free food too at times.

思想品德不及格，总比没思想好

我又回到了韩寒的世界

多久没有来留下自己的生活了
我常常在工作的时候偷偷的上来瞄上一眼
看看曾经的自己站在烈日当空中灿烂地笑

工作的日子不是我想象中美好
甚至之于我，已经是一种沉重

也许，是我不想承认我的不开心

曾经，我说过我只想在这里留下快乐的故事
所以生活中的不快乐让我不知所措
我不知道该怎么办

我是那么快乐的活着，但连续接踵而来的不快乐让我措手不及

“如果后悔，不能后退，是不是就只能往前？”

往前去，我已经失去了方向感
如何到来，如何离开，我毫无头绪
我站在十字路口，默默绝望

我很庆幸我还有我的亲菇们
黄色潜水艇默默的承载着我们的雄心壮志
总是有人在谷底，但总会有人拉你一把
黄色潜水艇里，我们彼此羁绊

昨晚我做了生平最恐怖最逼真的噩梦
截至昨晚为止，我所做的噩梦都是不停地奔跑
通常是被追杀，为了逃命那种千钧一发的奔跑

而昨夜的那一个梦里，我被绑架了
也不确定是不是被绑架，反正就是被一群人软禁起来
一群很凶狠的流氓，依稀，他们在我面前砍死了一个人
所以我记得梦里面，我很害怕，我不停地颤抖
我想要逃走，结果被抓回来后被揍得鼻青脸肿
我还记得那种一拳一拳的扎实疼痛感
 最后一幕是在一个老旧的茶餐厅里头
流氓一脸坏笑的给我一碗面，口里叨念着各式粗口脏话
我的手都是淤青和渗出血的伤口，我全身都在颤抖，手尤其抖得厉害
我身边还有一个比我小上几岁的女孩
她留着短发，一直哭，她也刚刚被揍了一顿
我轻轻的跟她说，吃饱了才有希望。就象电影情节一样。
然后一个猥琐的老头搂着一个穿着火红连身裙的女人走了进来
女人和流氓打了招呼，老头和流氓交头接耳
而我最后的画面，停留在身旁的女孩惊恐的表情看着我，
好似人生中所有恐怖片同时在她脑海里高潮了一样
我的全身剧烈的颤抖，然后满身冷汗的吓醒
起来以后我的身体还是微微的颤抖
我努力回想那个梦，那个好恐怖的梦
我还记得老式茶餐厅里那一个很大很大敞开着的大门
外头是一大片白色的光，我在茶餐厅的最角落，距离门口也不过十步之遥
但在梦里头，那是最遥远的距离

我冒着一身冷汗，把手机结束充电
然后看见亲菇宴传来的简讯，说她发噩梦了
我跟她说了我的梦，她说我的梦就是我现实的投射
她说，回来吧。

然后亲菇林说，回来吧，我能养你半年。不要吃好的，我们到市场买菜然后自己下厨，半年没问题。

我看着她们的一字一句，涕泪纵横

我问我自己，反复的问，为什么我要丢下我那么喜欢的她们来到这么一个遥远的地方
在这里，我被嘲笑，被讽刺，被当成一个没有感情的人不停地嘲讽
在这里，没有人知道我有朋友，没有人知道我也有帮我当人看的朋友
在这里，我被同事开玩笑，取笑我的身材，取笑我是单身，取笑我的肥胖
在这里，从来不介意被取笑肥胖的我第一次感受到‘难倒我肥我就该死吗？’

那一天我回槟城，回到我久违的家
阿嬷一见到我就把炖好的燕窝盛好递到我的面前
妈妈让我放肆的吃着所有东西
爸爸一遍一遍的问着我的生活
孩子们热烈的跑向我，抱着我小姨小姨的叫
亲菇宴和我唱歌，我们大声的嘶吼着我们的生活
然后亲菇林亲菇宴和我回到了那一家日本餐厅寻找当初那一片幸福的生鱼片

最后搭巴士回新山的时候，阿嬷坚持一定要送我到巴士站
还是很不放心的跑到巴士上我的位置旁再三叮嘱我要注意的东西
然后司机上了车，阿嬷三步并作两步快步的跑下车
我站起来跟她们挥手

这些爱我的人，这些我爱的人，
他们让我害怕，让我逃离
但也让我挂念，让我疑惑，让我心疼

“生如浮萍般卑微，爱却苍穹般壮烈”
-我热爱我的生命我的生活，用我渺小而卑微的存在，热烈的爱着

(有一天，猛地发现自己醒在现实里）


****************************************************************
圣诞节那天我想透透气，所以跑到新加坡去找表姐装观光客
一如既往，我们去了观音庙拜拜
庙里头人山人海，大家都在虔诚的期许着一个更美好的明天
热爱文言文如我，尤其刚刚又读完了一遍道德经，
突然很好奇观世音菩萨是否有些什么想告诉我
我问了表姐求签的基本程序，然后就开始了我的求签初体验

“观世音菩萨，我是李佳恩，你有什么东西要跟我讲吗？”

然后签筒里掉出来一根签，我正要说谢谢，立马第二根签又掉了出来
我掷筊问，“两根签也，确定吗？”
嘿哟，圣筊讷

二话不说，我去拿签纸

。 

呵呵，呵呵。


“顷刻云收，便见明白“

Battle Aray

I've been listening to mayday for the week
I'd never let myself forget what I used to be
and what i wanted my life to be

I am a mayday fan, i live a life of pride and arrogance.

So then I thought why not trying to translate the song?

duh, things you'd do when you're sick of the work and stuffs.

*****************************

入陣曲
詞｜五月天阿信 曲｜五月天怪獸
導演｜邱煥生（邱董）


當一座城牆 只為了阻擋 所有自由渴望

When a wall exist to block the desire for freedom
當一份信仰 再不能抵抗 遍地戰亂饑荒

When a belief is no longer enough to cover the poverty of all places

蘭 陵 撩 亂 茫 天 地 離 人 忘 無 畏 孤 塚 葬 只 怕 蒼 生 殤

It’s a messy world and people are losing each other

I don’t mind to be six feet under all by myself

But I care about the people who are hurt in the war

夜未央 天未亮 我在倖存的沙場

Its not even the middle of the night, and the sky is not bright again

I stood on the warfield as the survivor
只盼望 此生再 奔向思念的臉龐

All I wished for is to ever see the faces of whom I misses once again
淚未乾 心未涼 是什麼依然在滾燙

Tears ain’t dry, heart ain’t cold, what is it that is buring in me?
入陣曲 伴我無悔的狂妄

This song, accompany my arrogance with no regrets

當一份真相 隻手能隱藏 直到人們遺忘

When a piece of truth can be shield until they are forgotten
寫一頁莽撞 我們的篇章 曾經如此輝煌

I’d write a page of recklessness on our stories, once it was such glorious

丹 青 千 秋 釀 一 醉 解 愁 腸 無 悔 少 年 枉 只 願 壯 志 狂

For centuries in the history we have not learned the lesson

I still drink myself off the miserableness

I never regrets for the arrogance of my good old days

I only wish for the madness of my wills pertain

夜未央 天未亮 我在倖存的沙場

Its not even the middle of the night, and the sky is not bright again

I stood on the warfield as the survivor
只盼望 此生再 奔向思念的臉龐

All I wished for is to ever see the faces of whom I misses once again
淚未乾 心未涼 是什麼依然在滾燙

Tears ain’t dry, heart ain’t cold, what is it that is buring in me?
入陣曲 伴我無悔的狂妄

This song, accompany my arrogance with no regrets

忘不記 原不諒 憤恨無疆 肅不清 除不盡 魑魅魍魎

Can’t forget, can’t forgive, I’m mad at the world

Can’t abolish, can’t eliminate all them villains
幼無糧 民無房 誰在分贓 千年後 你我都 仍被豢養

Kids have no food, People have no houses, who is sharing the loot?

Thousand years later, you and I are still reared in the same barn

 
夜未央 天未亮 我在倖存的沙場

Its not even the middle of the night, and the sky is not bright again

I stood on the warfield as the survivor
只盼望 此生再 奔向思念的臉龐

All I wished for is to ever see the faces of whom I misses once again
淚未乾 心未涼 是什麼依然在滾燙

Tears ain’t dry, heart ain’t cold, what is it that is buring in me?
入陣曲 伴我無悔的狂妄

This song, accompany my arrogance with no regrets

夜已央 天已亮 白晝隱沒了星光

Its now the middle of the night, the sky is finally bright again

The daylight veiled the star lights

像我們 都終將 葬身歷史的洪荒
Just like how we will all eventually concealed into the flood of histroy

當世人 都遺忘 我血液曾為誰滾燙

When the people has all forgotten, to whom was my bloods once burnt?
入陣曲 伴我無悔的狂妄

This song, accompany my arrogance with no regrets

入陣去 只因 恨鐵不成鋼

Lets get into the battle aray,

Because there aint nobody that we can hope for!

过去

某一个时刻，我开始听陈升

对于这个把悲伤留给自己的老男人的印象除了酒精还是酒精

一直到有一天，我听着陈升的歌，然后突然想念起每一段过去



我常常会对那些曾经不明白的东西久久无法释怀，
总觉得曾经不明白，那是发生了什么事情，居然让我明白了这些支离破碎的情绪？

好几年的光阴像潺潺的流水穿越我

环顾四周，你以为什么都没有改变
闭上眼睛回想，其实已经沧海桑田


我那天和同事有一搭没一搭的聊着所谓的抱负

后来我们嘻嘻哈哈含糊其辞的带过

但是那一天，我的脑子里转着这个问题

没有辗转难眠，反之，和着我美丽的梦想，远大的抱负，
我微笑着睡了。











今天总算把无名的日子全部转过来这里
无名好似12月中就要关了
常常有人问我怎么有办法坚持写部落格些那么久
是啊，15岁开始写部落格，还是被少年月刊所启发的
然后17岁用无名，然后就没有间断的一直写到现在
都六年了，这六年的点滴滋味始终萦绕着我
每一个点点星光的夜晚，我用回忆下酒

15岁到17岁的那个部落格已经找不回来了
但17岁开始的一切，我不会再让他们隐没入消散的时光
我要好好的，赏我的回忆一个像样的栖身之所

毕竟，那是我最珍贵的生活养分。



我爱因为我存在，我存在因为我的过去

for monday

hi monday. its me.

the more I swing by here, the more i realize... i have nothing to talk about

I used to be that somebody, eager to keep in record most days of my life
Some random thoughts, nostalgia, misses, or just some procrastinating would make up a whole long passage, nailed in my memory.

and I'd read my blog over and over again,
keep refreshing my memory to make sure I not forget any


but then time goes by, and I became someone, who sum everything into "Just another day"



Lonesome is really hitting me hard.


I've been going for squash, living a day all by myself...

I don't know how to tell people who I really am anymore

I spent my first few weeks of working taking others comments on how weird I am, and also to explain to others why I chose to leave everyone and everything .... just to come here, and be nothing


It's just, I'm sick of it.
Many of those days, I had to walk away from my colleagues to give myself some time...

Things are so different here, and yes, yes I know to learn the differences are exactly why I'm here

but just, despite knowing its not going to be easy,

I still wanna feel helpless, and to somehow cry for my pathetic personality...

can't I?



I just miss sitting by the beach, sipping some ice cold bear on a windy night
feeling the breeze and just..get away from the world for a second


I might need somebody, but nobody needed me
and i hate being needy

I wished I could just hug someone and cry really hard for a long long time

there is so much in me that I took in accidentally, which is too late to forget about

I need somebody who completely understand where I stand, and where I think I stand.

and the only somebody that fit this definition, is my mental-disorder-separated-other-self



I hate it I hate it I hate it

I want something to change, but I






When I was squashing, that was the best I have ever felt ever since I started working


I had the comments of me being anti-social even on the first week of my job

Am I really THAT anti-social?
personally I don't think so.

its just my topic of interest are somewhat a lil' off mainstream that's all.


Guess, its my lesson now, to live it the leekahinn way but still blend into the society way

I'm not letting the society change who I really am,
but that doesn't mean I have to be all against the society!

I still enjoy talking to some interesting people,
its just most people I have met turn out to be .... uninteresting.

well, I'll find a way.

Life will find me a way.

I'll be just fine.


I'll make one hell of a spanish speaking squash player who master Taichi.

You think I'm out of my mind?

WATCH ME.

然后我告诉自己，

我是听五月天的歌的人，

我永远，都是，听着五月天的歌，

想要用力活着的我

长假

long weekend

连着周末一共4天的公假，不写点东西我拿什么脸去面对几年后的李佳恩

其实工作的日子也就工作了
和同事之间的相处也就相处了
生活也就生活了
人生也就人生了


唉


人生就是不断地学习

我这下的新课程，就是学会去接受这个万千世界一种米养百种人的喧哗

我活在自己的泡泡里太久了

乃至于我看别人的事情总是那么的不顺眼

学会看开点，人生会轻松许多的吧


长大后，发现到改变世界并不只是坚持自我就能做到的

我看过大家说五月天向主流音乐靠拢

而现在，我开始明白，如果不向主流靠拢，你怎么说服人家呢？



我不想习惯说场面话，但我得想办法在这种环境活下去

大家都劝我，出了社会就要学会口不对心，学会说人家想听的话





我不要。






就像当初，大家劝我不要去美国
就像当初，大家劝我循规蹈矩
就像当初，大家叫我跟着规矩走








我的牛脾气，还在

我想当原原本本的李佳恩的坚持，也还在














********************************

我喜欢打壁球

站在壁球场，看着诺大的墙壁，几条红线摆划着，那么的一成不变

就像我们这个疯狂的世界，
那么的疯狂，那么的各式各样，却又那么的环环相扣，那么的牢不可破

我大力的拍打着球，努力的敲击着，寻找着一个缝隙让我神不知鬼不觉地钻进去



打壁球开球的姿势，总是燃起我想勇敢面对这个世界的念头



我常常想找个人拍下我在壁球场，准备开球的背影

那个背影，应该，和二十世纪少年他们准备去拯救世界前的那一张照片，很像吧？

不要忘记

嘿 好久 不见

这一个星期我又把光阴的故事重新看了一遍

一边看，一边笑，一边哭，一边感慨

我一直记得，那个坐在躺椅上，看着电脑，第一次看光阴的故事的李佳恩
那个，心满意足的离开的，李佳恩

那时候，我十九岁末，正应该开始准备期末考
深深信着，我终会到英国留学三个月
深深信着，我终会出席五月天的演唱会
深深信着，我终会是我所期待的那个我


已经工作了满一个月
这样循规蹈矩的生活，倒也有种庸庸碌碌的情趣

一个月以来，我知道自己又回到了18岁刚入大学的那一段日子
那时候我的人生是个乌漆麻黑的无底洞
诺大的校园里，我没有一个朋友
人生第一次在大庭广众中那么的形影单只

那一年，我觉得自己死掉了，然后又在活了过来。

2013年的今天，我再次回到自强一村
2013年的今天，我再次离开自强一村

孙妈妈的炒米粉
陶妈妈的饺子
张奶奶的猪脚醋
孙爸爸的铁砂掌
陶爸爸的大嗓门


我像回乡探亲一样，重温了那一段物资贫乏，互相扶持的时代

曾经有人这么说我，
“我觉得，你常常回忆，甚至是活在回忆里”

我也着实这么的想过自己

我常常觉得自己的回忆真棒
所以才总是在里头流连忘返

那些闪闪发亮日子，成了流逝的光阴中不分昼夜的星光，点缀着我的前路

人生就是这样，拖着长长的过去，奔向不知所谓的远方

有的人默默无闻了一辈子，但心头是舒坦的
有的人万众瞩目了一辈子，但从来不知道什么是通体舒畅

我的人生当中，所谓的想法
这些想法绝大部分就是看着电视剧看着小说写着部落格的时候，慢火炖出来的

比如，我只要快乐的想法


现在的我，在工作的时候，常常对着电脑屏幕就不自觉的笑着
同事以为我都在聊天，都在打混
但其实，我只是单纯的很开心

曾经我担心自己找不到工作
曾经我担心自己一事无成

所以我常常觉得现在这样很好
我有一份工作，我有一份能让自己有成就感的工作

单纯的，就像为了这样的事情而更快乐的继续活下去

可没有人理解
大家都以为我压力得疯了

就像3 idiots里边那样
他在讲堂上灿烂地笑着
连老师都觉得他不对劲，点名问他在笑什么
他认真的说着，我从小就想念工程，现在我念到了，我很开心。

就像我，我从小就像自己独立的生活，现在我做到了，我很开心。

这么样简单的快乐，却没有人能够理解。






前几个星期是我第一次出差
时间刚好让我能够和一个好朋友碰面
她说，她要带我去看看不一样的酒吧

是一个和我一样有着环游世界的梦的一个朋友
是和我一样，对世俗的眼光格格不入的一个朋友

具体我们是怎么认识进而相交的已经不可考
剩下的，就是我们偶尔见面时的口若悬河
也不知道是为什么，我们总是很好聊，天南地北上山下海的聊
我也已经数不清在她面前乱开玩笑，笑到岔气笑到飙泪究竟有几次了
也许是因为，我们都有着观察自己生活的习惯，所以特别聊得来
也许吧？

我们去吃了拉面，去喝了东西
那时候是我刚开始工作的前几个星期
我还是懵懵懂懂的，而她已经在社会大学游走了好一段时间
我说着我的惶恐，她谈着她的际遇

我记得她跟我说，我会记得你现在说的东西，等你工作三年后，我再让你说一遍。
我也记得她说，出来工作后发现，这世界真的什么极品都有。

我看看她，我再看看我
曾经我们的生活像午后的阳光，懒洋洋的穿过窗口，散落在各个角落
现在我们的生活反而像快到正午的阳光，用力的发着光，努力的，发着光

感慨啊，岁月如歌，我们的青春小鸟咻的一声划破天空
而我们满足的微笑着，向着小鸟远去的那端挥手

在跌跌撞撞的人生当中，我明白了快乐是自找的
你想自己快乐，你也就快乐了
你想自己感恩，嘿你也就感恩了啊

我一直觉得，快乐比什么都简单，也比什么都困难
简单在于快乐的内容即使都是很普通的原因
困难在于快乐的方法总是让人给复杂化

很多人都说，说没有钱哪来的快乐
如果你以为你埋头苦干，赚了一百万人生就会快乐的话
那我只能说，你傻的不是一点点

我看过漂亮的人，我看过丑陋的人
我看过有钱的人，我看过没钱的人

丑陋的人以为自己变漂亮就会快乐
漂亮的人却永远觉得自己不够漂亮，要更漂亮才会快乐
没钱的人以为自己变有钱就会快乐
有钱的人却永远觉得自己不够有钱，要更有钱才会快乐

生活圈，生活圈，生活就是个他妈的圈
你羡慕我，我羡慕他，他羡慕她，她羡慕你
你有羡慕的人，也会有人羡慕你
生活嘛，还真他妈的是个他妈的圈！


工作了一个月，我最深的感触，竟然就是这个快乐是多么的简单

我自己也有点哑然失笑



我还是喜欢反复读着黄色潜水艇里的对话
断断续续的，却是我们生活的气味

613的故事写完后，我也来写一个光阴的故事吧
写一个自己的故事，让我，不要忘记。


今天看到给汪茜茜接风的那一幕
我突然在想，也许，有一天我也会有这么一大班朋友吧
大家和乐融融的，凭着记忆，相亲相爱着

也许吧

我开始相信，人生是充满无限可能的

朱磊居然会和孙再美走到一起
许毅源居然会结婚
汪茜茜居然还能找回当初的笑容
孙一美居然会写出这么好的戏
冯拍雄居然会感化那么凶的汪娟娟
孙妈妈居然会盼到一美上大学
孙爸爸居然会等到解禁的那一天
陶爸爸居然会让冯拍雄独当一面
陶复华居然会有到面摊帮忙的机会
朱夫人居然会觉得回到了村子才是回家了
。
。
。
。
。

人生啊，猜得到的都不叫人生咯，那叫戏
猜不透的才是人生啊！

人生如戏时戏如人生

但我们不活在铁箱子里，我们实实在在的，
在诺大的宇宙里，小小的点缀着这一个世界
用我们微薄的力量，让这个世界因为有了我们而又一点点不一样





*****************************************************

13.10.2013，星期日
我顺道载了表姐和表姐夫到车站搭车
然后想说时间还早就到附近的商场逛一逛
到了商场，心血来潮地走到电影院，
突然发现诺亚方舟已经下映了，心中无比惆怅

后来，我走到书局逛一逛
突然想起也即将开始工作的亲菇们
我拿起手机打给亲菇林，我劈头就说，“嘿！我想听听看即将开始工作的人的声音是怎样的”
然后亲菇林也才回了一句，我的视线就开始模糊了起来
我开始哽咽，开始无法说话，然后不知道什么开始
我的脸上都是泪水

就那么不知不觉的当儿，我就崩溃的哭了
在书局里不知所措的崩溃的哭了

我找了一个角落，装作对医药保健类的书充满热情
就在那里悄无声息的哭着
我无法说话，亲菇林也拿我没办法
我说我会再给她回电话，匆匆的就把电话给挂了

那一天，我就在书局了默默的一个人很受伤
盯着一本封面满满都是蔬菜的书，哭了


没什么，我只是，想要记得。

*******************************************************

李佳恩，这个世界有很多人，他们借着踩踏别人来证明自己高人一等
你总会遇到这种混蛋，因为他们人多势众
但是请你努力的活着

因为，人生就是充满了开心和不开心的事情
大部分时候，不开心永远比开心来得多
但我们就是为了遇见那一些开心而努力挣扎求生存

所以人生本来就是挫败的，我们就是会踢到很多铁板，撞到很多石头
但我们要笑着去踢去撞，因为铁板与铁板之间，石头与石头之间，开着一朵灿烂的花

啊如果你觉得花很娘炮，那就想成是一份你最爱的大汉堡好了！

所以，我们就是为了不停地遇见我们最爱的大汉堡才努力活下去的！

你想，多振奋人心的一句话，多么豁然开朗的画面啊！