Masking

I've started to reduce my times here, here what I'd prefer to call my memory banks.

2 years ago, I wouldn't have imagine what was it like to stop writing on my blog.
Now, I just miss the times when I have too much about me to tell.

Some people once told me only lame people write blog/ diaries, others are too busy living their awesome shining life.

Well that is not true.

My life has got even lame-r than it ever had been but I stopped writing.
Maybe people just stop reflecting on themselves when they are too busy or too free.
Either of the extreme, you felt like you are occupied by the glory or the emptiness, it just kept you from thinking about yourself

So how was me?

I started putting on makeups. It became a ritual.
I dress up myself, put on high heels, paint my face, and ready to smile at the bad times.

I enjoy staring into the mirror as my cleanser melt the makeups away.
It calms me down. Its more like a symbolic action to me.
Like I'm finally off that table of documents and back to the leekahinn who had never grow up a single bit.

Well, I hadnt do my birthday post this year.
Might as well make this one of it.

I forgot when I stopped celebrating birthdays.
Mum & Dad used to take us out for a decent western meal on our birthdays.
And we get to go Toys  R Us, pick up a toy that I would lose interest as soon as I get a hold on it.
That's just what I do, buy something just to own and forget about the initial craze.

way to go leekahinn. way to go.

uh huh. uh huh. I have always been aware of my 3-minute interest in basically everything.

so, I was talking bout make-ups.
Or the mask I have been wearing upon facing reality.

I think all my emoness was about whether I should keep on having the mask on and off and should I just let the mask melt upon my face?

I mean, calling it a mask may not do much justice, cause, I'm not an entirely different person under it and without it.
Its just, all those makeups, high heels, dresses and coat, it made me felt, hmm what's the word, stronger? mentally stronger?
Like I am more ready, or acceptable, towards the meaness coldness illogical shits.
and that I can take more rejects, huge NOs, firm NOs, fucking NOs, I-m-too-busy-so-no NOs.

The thing is growing up, is that I realize the spaces around me getting smaller.
MENTAL spaces.

Like when you were a kid, I felt like I have so many things!
I would walk around the house at 12 am when everyone is sound asleep,
and I would just count on the stuffs I have

From soft toys to random stationary to cds

I had so much that I used to make myself decide which to bring had I were ever ordered to evacuate... *assuming scenes of apocalypse*

#ProudOfMyImaginations

I always struggled! Do I bring more books to appear smart or bring more huggybears/barbie dolls to appear soft and weak.

At that age, I always believe that if you could convince people that you are soft and weak, you can be anything you want. Well, at least that's what school had taught.
Cry whenever the teacher wanna question you, they will just know you are innocent, and ready to trust all your bull shits. It helps when you are tiny and fair too.

When you are gigantum like me, don't bother trying.
You hardly see people lovingly look at a whale or a shark don't you

So back to my struggles. Apparently, back then, I wasn't so much a book person.
I was lame and ordinary.

I like barbie dolls, totally bought-in the rich prince poor servant love.
I believed in the television, to be precise, the craps in the television.

But hey look at me now, I drive recklessly, live like a hobo, and sometimes secretly wanna be a beggar for a day.
I have packed and packed many times in my life and I'm getting good at it.

Whenever I go, I don't really unpack.
Because I always felt like I'm leaving soon, SOON.

I don't bother settling stuffs into organised manner because I always have this deep intuitive that i am leaving.
Settling down never sound like an option to me.
It was always something I wish others well for.

"Oh hey, happy for your marriage, so settling down huh? Good for you!"
"I heard you've been on a new job for a while. How was it? Great You think gonna stay?Wow terrific! I am so happy to hear this!"
"So you think you will move to the new place with your boyfren? Glad that you guys are taking the next step! Way to go!! Having your own family has always been your dream ain't it! Please don't you ever forget to invite me on your wedding!"
"Going further studies? WOW! Thats good thing! I thought its about time you start pursuing something you want!Keep me posted! Well send me some postcards will ya?"

Seeing people taking off into another phase of life
Seeing people choosing to call a place home

I never understand that

What was it like to settle down?
What was it like to wanting to settle down?

Does it mean you stop worrying about you running out of disposable underwear?
Does it mean you stop worrying about missing an obvious opportunities?
Does it mean you can officially say that your primary commitment need you?
Does it mean you don't feel as worthless during weekends?


What is the weight of such commitment?


As I am washing my hands in that washroom of client with and office of 1970s,
I lift my head and accidentally caught a glimpse of my reflection

And every time, I hear Mulan closing the door and begun singing,

"Look at me,

I will never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter.

Can it be, 

I'm not meant to play this part?

Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself, 

I would break my family's heart.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know

Somehow I cannot hide,

Who I am, thought I've tried, 

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

How I pray, that a time will come, 

I can free myself, from their expectations

On that day, I'll discover someway to be myself,

and to make my family proud.

They want a docile lamb, 

No-one knows who I am.

Must there be a secret me, 

I'm forced to hide?

Must I pretend that I am someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?"

- Mulan, Reflection

Who is this pale face with annoying blush spot?
Who is this in dresses and high heels walking upright trying to speak convincing and persuasive?

Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?

I don't hate myself under this working look,
its just, I wonder what is the balance between the working look and my just-me-surviving look?


Writing like this makes me feel awesome.
Right, its the best in fact.
Easily I felt ok again.

I always feel ok again.

晚安曼谷

本着怕死的的心提前四小时到机场，还被工作人员拒绝寄行李，因为太早了。

这一次真的好短，却很丰富。这就是充分的感觉吧？

第一次只有自己，走在人们以讹传讹的曼谷街头，我觉得无比轻松！

对于曼谷，我从来没有期待过什么。但这么短短的几天，我已然成了曼谷的铁杆粉丝，誓死维护这个城市的高调，这个城市的低调。

但这不就是生活吗？在你忙于奔波忙于计划的当儿，生活亦步亦趋的在你的周围突然丢给你一份惊喜。

我之前想好要来曼谷写一个故事，结果每天我都傻不啦叽的在大街上四处蹿。太阳很烈，但我的心很野。今天早上睁开眼，正对着床边的小窗，绿意盎然的叶子映着橘黄色的阳光。我突然想起Pat是今早十点的飞机，转头一看她的位置已人去床空，雪白的床单套件好象在重启欢迎模式，等着下一个人拥抱入眠。我转回头看了看手机，早上七点。

心里油然而生一股浓烈的不舍之感，再几个小时，我的位置也会这样，挥一挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩。我开始努力地想记住每一个人，第一个是自由行却搞出旅行团阵仗的Pat，然后是很努力证明自己是广东人的Zain，还有那个十点多才check in却还要出去的Alice，最后一晚还有穿好衣服等着出门high的Maggie和Peggy。我在床上一遍一遍得想着短短的四天我们每晚躺在床上乱七八糟的聊天的情况。

今天临走，Som帮我把行李扛上车。她跟我拥抱道别，然后阳光的对我挥手。

我跟她说，谢谢你给我了最棒的曼谷。

我在往机场的路上看着街景掠过车窗，我在想究竟是我们错过了风景还是风景错过了我们。

我刚到旅舍的那一天，时间是午后的4点多。我跟同事讨论完工作的内容就慌慌张张的跑到天铁站正式开始我的奇幻冒险。一路上，我茫然地看着天铁窗外的天空，是蓝白分明的大晴天。那时候我想问，这个国家，该不会不下雨吧？确实，那蓝天白云的颜色鲜艳的好象不曾被洗涤过一样。曼谷，究竟是怎么样的呢？

到了旅舍，Som亲切地走向我。她问我是不是刚下的飞机，我说不是，是刚结束公司培训。她恍然大悟说，哦！你就是那个AirBnB的嘛！我们像两个一开始没认出来的朋友一样，瞬间熟悉起来。她让我填了一张个人资料，然后就领着我往房间走去。我印象最深的，是表格上有一个选项，你可以选择yes或者no。选项是，Hug。每每想起这个，我总会微笑。Som领我到我的房间，跟我说了床位的分布，再到公共空间去跟我说了基本设施的使用，然后就留给我一个特阳光的笑容。那笑容真的就好象海边那些拥抱大海的冲浪青年独有的不羁。

那天，我就在公共空间坐到晚上11点。公共空间的设计很漂亮很舒服，阳光透过长型的玻璃窗暖了我的背，我不停的变换坐姿在写报告。期间，有俩住客有一搭没一搭的在聊天，我也混在里头学习怎么正常面对陌生人。他们都说已经旅行快2个月了，而我则好好的隐藏了我的惊讶，但内心却在呐喊，你们他妈哪来的时间啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊！！！！！！！！

阳光渐渐柔和，窗外的吧台和花园已经开起了灯。吧台负责人擦拭着杯子，几个住客围在花园里聊起天，我听到了络绎不绝的吵闹声。我转身看着这美得像幅画的场景，心里对着曼谷的各种问号，暂时歇下。

隔天，我到了Central Embassy去和朋友吃午餐。高端大气上档次的商场，低调奢华有内涵的餐厅，我在曼谷的高楼大厦之中吃了一餐黑松露。商场的设计就是奔着高大上去的，我确实很惊讶，这跟电影里的曼谷，不一样啊！电影里，曼谷就是一排排老旧的店，挂着绿色的蓬，人来人往的大街上，川流不息的车子还有电单车和充满个性的tuk tuk。这些，再加上满天灰尘，还有拎着啤酒的背包客。这才是电视里的曼谷！入夜，七彩的灯光转起来，各种神秘的秀场表演，各种妩媚的眼神从四面八方投射过来，企图把你领进那个其实并不那么禁忌的禁忌世界。

现实的冲击下，曼谷的繁华活生生的包裹着我。我还来不及提问，答案已经一目了然。有地铁的地方总会让我想起新加坡台湾上海。但是在曼谷，我却从神龙摆尾的地铁中看到一点点缓慢。印象中的地铁站，总是一群又一群的人低头刷屏。但是在曼谷，不小心插队的瞬间我震惊的眼神迎来的却是对方亲切地一笑。我猜，我是走了狗屎运，对方非但没有骂我，还倒退一步腾出空间给我。作为一个俗辣，我当然是果断拒绝，然后跑到队伍后方。

但我是真的挺感动的。

我一开始写这篇文，是因为我脑子里积攒了太多情绪。

今天早上交了房卡我匆匆跑到商场去买点东西。我搭着电车跟这个城市倾诉道别。

然后，我也不相信我接下来将说的，但就是发生了，

电车里一遍一遍的泰文广播和熟悉的站名，衬着窗外幻灯片一般的景色，我发现我居然在掉泪。

我想起了在这里遇到的所有人。他们让我明白，这个世界，除了那些我不理解的人，还是有人愿意理解我。我一直很羡慕其他人有姐姐，一个让我倾诉的对象。我也有三个姐姐，但她们毕竟年长我许多，甚至各自有了家庭。25年了，我的感悟是，我不能有任何意思依靠别人的念头。每个人都会在有了自己的圈子以后离你而去。他们不会真的离开，但他们将不再有时间去听你对人生的困惑，抑或对生活的无助。

曾经，有我很重视的朋友跟我说，“你现在的烦恼算什么，等你有了男朋友，对方的家人才是真的烦恼”

原来那句话伤了我这么深。

也好像是那句话开始，我开始小心翼翼的，不再说任何烦恼。

我没有交男朋友啊，我不该去烦他们。

我很怕某天他们突然嫌我烦就再也不理我。

然后我就真的，只有一个人了。

我很怕人家跟我谈起生活，我很怕人家跟我谈起未来。

我觉得这两项我都没有，就连自由，我也不是很确定。

在生活面前，我总是很自卑。

这一趟自己的旅行，我才又遇上了那些和我一样的人。

他们有悔恨，有感慨，但各个都目前的生活保持一种不枉此行的感觉。

写不下去了。我想好好哭。

生生不息

25年来听过的歌不算多也不算少

但再也没有一首歌像许巍的那样

今天看见有人写说许巍的第一张专辑是在别处，再到现在的此时此刻

我仿佛看见自己的影子

我总觉得自己的生活应该在别处，想寻找的一切总是在别处

所以我很努力的奔跑，拼了命的追逐一个扑朔迷离的期望

会不会其实我在找的一切其实就在此时此刻

生命的答案不再他方，而是在自己

我走到哪里，答案就在哪里

想起等一个人咖啡，思萤说答案在问题出现以前就已经存在

也许，是同样的道理也说不定

許巍——《空谷幽蘭》

縱有紅顏 百生千劫

難消君心 萬古情愁

青峰之巔 山外之山

晚霞寂照 星夜無眠

如幻大千 驚鴻一瞥

一曲終了 悲欣交集

夕陽之間 天外之天

梅花清幽 獨立春寒

紅塵中 你的無上清涼寂靜光明 

默默照耀世界

行如風 如君一騎絕塵

空谷絕響 至今誰在傾聽

一念淨心 花開遍世界

每臨絕境 峰回路又轉

但憑淨信 自在出乾坤

恰似如夢初醒 歸途在眼前

行盡天涯 靜默山水間

傾聽晚風 拂柳笛聲殘

踏破芒鞋 煙雨任平生慧行堅勇

究暢恆無極

我是不是已经到那个，无法说出自己最爱的歌的时候了？

因为每一首，都是我生命中的回响，日日夜夜，生生不息

Advisory

Long weekend and I spoiled myself with freedom to sleep

Was on the phone with dad last night and he asked if i still remember a year ago we went to get his new car

Then it struck me.
I've transferred to advisory department for a year now.

or is it really just a year?

Just one year, and everything have been so much different.

I've been to Shanghai, Melaka, and even god forsaken Klang.

Somehow, I felt like it has been longer than a year, almost 2 year I'd expect.

Just a year. really?


I figured its important I at least keep these milestones updated here.



I guess, there really is no right or wrong in life.
It just seems right to me because that is what I wanted.


Never have I told anyone, but had I joined advisory before audit,
I might request for a transfer just as well.


Its just, I want it all.
Too ambitious maybe?


I hate for not being contented
but part of me, kept wonder what such would bring me.





These days, I couldn't stop thinking of my reckless days during work and travel
Everything felt so unreal, I hesitated that I really have been in all those photos I have.


Of sudden I wanna talk about my work environment, in general.

Working in an audit firm, seems rather mysterious to many
Probably because an auditor goes out to all kind of company, but you will have to be an auditor to know what its like to be one

I found 2 main traits that are rather... interesting?

1. You are mostly surrounded by people your age, hence a lot of college/high school drama still lingered
2. Farewell. Endless.

Most people join audit right off their college. 

With that, I will be in a huge group of people my age.

In contrary to other companies where in a department of 10, there is a distribution of age between 20s to 50s.

In an audit firm, the top notch is always old, only them can afford to be old.

Seriously, if you are 30, its really hard to convince yourself that you are ok with the job/ pay as an associate

Ok, so with that point, you can basically imagine our so-called politics are rather different?

man seriously, I'm not even sure if that politics.

Think about it, we are basically just another school system

where the managers are like our teachers, and we are kids that are dying to get out of here

and yes, we have different group but, nothing as fancy as those politics you can find in a wallstreet movie

And for the farewell.

Oh yes. There is probably a farewell dinner every month.. or even every weeks.

Also because of us being all young, we will celebrate birthdays too

so basically, every month, you will have some pictures up on facebook bidding goodbye to someone

the restaurants could be fancy and got your parents wondering how the hell did you afford those shits

and you probably get to taste the most out of the cakes from nearby bakeries of your office

don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing these for my friend.

A lot of us are from outstation, as in we stay near office or relatives house

In a way, this is a place new to us, and we are far away from home

I like it when we are in a group photo, and everyone is smiling and posing,

it makes the damn truth that we are all pathetic 20s a bit further away

As in, despite all those pathetic-ness, we are still laughing at the face of life

well we still pay our bills, live our dreams and all

just you know, we are auditors

we are under this slavery system that is glamorously disguised as a professional service provider

I'm glad that i have joined this place to meet these people

Because rarely in a work place where you actually have lots of them struggling with you

The struggle you have when you are assigned for "finalization" or "wrap-up"

The struggle that the client is just not cooperating

You can't convey this to non-auditors.

You just can't.

They will never get it.

But to your colleagues, just a smile and they know everything.

I stayed in EYJB because of my fellow colleagues.

So dear god, be kind to them,

if you ever bother to show me a sign, give them better opportunities somewhere else

If they left, I'm not staying either.

I know I'm a mafia by day and night, but sincerely, 

I have never let a day gone by without feeling thankful that I have met you guys.

Not all of you guys. but quite a number of you guys.

For one who would live through college, making only 4 friends, 

you guys meant so much achievement to me.

You probably took me as your colleague, but I took you as a friend.

And as a friend under my definition, I would go the distant for you, any distant.

Its good to have friends like this.

I felt like I'm human again.

not just a work completing machine.

Thanks.

And you guys will always be in my prayers.

(I tried naming you guys but its really hard)

(wtf!)

有誰能聽見 我不要告別

有沒有那麼一朵玫瑰 永遠不凋謝

永遠驕傲和完美 永遠不妥協

爲何人生最後會像一張紙屑 還不如一片花瓣曾經鮮豔

一天用来路过 另一天还是路过

我很想去那里
是不是在这个灯火斑斓的地方
让我无限期待那个大大片的天，大大片的地？

我听着许巍，觉得自己好像去了好多好多地方

但我只有两天，
一天用来诞生
一天用来思惘

想狠狠地

哭

不是因为累了

是因为想放弃了

才发现，从来就只能放弃

我不知道什么叫做努力就不会后悔

我很努力

付出一切的努力

我却，依旧只有两天

我还是飞不起来，依旧需要等待

begin to crash

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall

And I just wanna drop down and cry

No one has ever seen me fall hard and crash into lesser than human

except 3 of them maybe


but then i have got nobody left for me now.

and I constantly felt being left behind





I have reached the stage where I wanna resign and sit at home,
and cry to death.


So many things happened and so few people listened


Everyone thought I was tough
so did I.


but tough machos, cry sometimes.
in their deepest corner of life.

If you think I'm brave, think again.

I only acted like that

Deep down, Im no more human than you.




I wanted to go somewhere and type.

can someone promise me its going to be ok
can someone just play along my sadness and swiftly guide me out of this



Why do i have to choose this route
why do i have to be different all the time



slowly, i am turning into those sticknote monsters

and im about to fall. horribly.






and i saw another photo of new york.

just when I thought I'm at the edge


Now im gravity-less in that space of emotions


from where I stand, everything look sucks.





What If I have a cry for help, and everyone just ignore it?
Can I be as lucky as butter did?


I just wanted everything to end.
Im dreading to end.

永和之窗

迷蒙之中在闷热的被单堆中睁开眼，某个瞬间似乎感受到房里残留的冷气。

今夕何夕的状态之中，听见大马路上摩托车呼啸而过的声音，啊，这就是我熟悉的外婆家。

然后，翻身，睡。

楼下是大舅小舅汽车零件的店，从地板延伸到天花板的柜子上满满的都是叫不出名字的零件。店的后头还有一个隔出来的假楼层。小时候我们就这样在店里来回穿梭，各种幻想各种玩，一直到大人们把我们赶上楼。

那一家店，叫做永和汽车配件。

繁忙的大马路旁边，矗立的是两排坚持不对岁月低头的店屋。

也因为是店屋的关系让外婆家的构造异于平常。从底楼直达一楼的楼梯是典型的店屋造型，一路直到底。各个梯级都放着我们的鞋子，拖鞋运动鞋娃娃鞋阿伯鞋拉拉拖鞋。一起出门一起回家的表兄妹们就这样列队跑上跑下那一道楼梯，从孩提时代开心的跑到楼下去买吉蒂猫冰激凌，到长大后我开车载着大家从新山回来迫不及待的跑上楼。这，是整整的二十年，是整整的一个孩提时代。

小时候的我们开不了车，常常就从一楼就看着窗外大马路上神龙摆尾的车子。每个人，看起来是那么的充满方向，而我们更是无限憧憬无限幻想。有时候，是葬仪社的队伍，有时候，是酬神的游行，他们大张旗鼓的走过大马路。我们几个小屁孩儿就这么挤在窗前似懂非懂的参与其盛。

午后的阳光穿过朦胧的窗户玻璃，打在我们胡闹嬉戏的脸庞。外婆正安静的坐在摇摇椅上吃着水果，看几经波折的长篇连续剧。

窗内窗外，我们与这世界。

窗外的他们欣欣向荣，窗内的我们快高长大。

现在，我们不再没事挤在窗前，更不再是那个踮着脚勉强够到窗沿的小屁孩儿。

我们走过了患得患失的孩提时代，走过了迷惑自我的青春期。

我们，已经欣然走入曾经最渴望的绝对自由。

只是偶尔，某个转眼的瞬间，从同样的一扇窗看见一如既往的天空。总是让我恍然觉得，时间似乎忘了带我走，把我遗留在了很多年以前的那个午后。依稀，我仍期待着什么。

傍晚时，淡蓝色的天空中，轻描淡写的画着一抹橘。从那样的窗外看出去，一切仿佛经过了仿旧处理一般。瞬间，一辆经过的老旧铁脚踏车把我摔进回忆的漩涡。那一切是那么的清晰，那么的真实。也许，某一部分的自己，已被我放逐在那样的一扇窗外，等着把多年以后的自己感动得一塌糊涂。

客厅里外婆的摇摇椅早已不在，取而代之的是一个电动按摩椅。摇摇椅后头的脚底按摩机也已不复存在，曾经那么习惯按摩机发出的声音，现在我已记不清那声响是如何的一个频率。事实是，我早已释怀，或者，我早已忘记。人生就是这样，你总是心心念念的说一定要释怀某件事，并因此而悲伤。后来你发现就在那念念不忘的日子里，你已经彻底忘记了那件事，不禁感到更加悲伤。我们都以为生命是属于我们自己的，但时间总是微笑的从你指缝中偷走一切，趁你不留意的时候。

小的时候，小舅舅总是喜欢开车载我们到到处走走。他会带我们去吃麦当劳肯德基必胜客寿司王，还有一家总是挤满人的面店，风风火火的卖着我此生吃过最好吃的mee rebus和otak otak。这辈子，再也不会比那更好的味道。因为没有什么比得过被抽丝剥茧后的回忆精华，更没有什么比得过那个初生之犊才有的纯真。

Growing up has complicated us. 成长是我们复杂化。

我们都忘了，这一切开始以前，如此简单的生活已是我们的全部。

活着活着，我们就哭了。

哭着哭着，我们就笑了。

笑着笑着，我们就忘了。

面店在新柔长堤旁边，坐在店内随便一个位置都可以看到另一头的新加坡。那个桌椅胡乱拼凑而成的面店里，我们一碗接着一碗，想着从这里游泳到新加坡的可能性。小舅舅说，只要我们带上护照，他就带我们到新加坡去。然后，我们低下头继续吃面，想着待会儿在商场要买dvd还是吃小吃。

几年以内，那家店早已失去昔日辉煌。我们甚至不再需要小舅舅，总是拿了车钥匙就这么跳上车。如此充满朝气的我们，硬生生地衬出小舅舅的不再年轻。小舅舅依旧是老样子，坐在店内柜台，拿着笔总是在给各式零件标上名字。有时他在一堆箱子之中，有时他正和隔壁阿华相互讽刺着当今时事。

时间把我们拉拔长大，却也冲洗去小舅舅身上的气焰成为现在的沉默和疲乏。

时间也悄悄的把我们那么熟悉的外婆家，东挪西迁成今天的样子。

永和的窗内，看似大同小异，实则沧海桑田

永和的窗外，看似波澜不惊，实则日新月异

我们依旧如此行走在这个大地，依旧如此逍遥在天空的怀抱里

但是我们长大了，我们的伤害力也长大了。

以前，我们最大的伤害力是玩捉迷藏时把家里搞得像命案现场。

现在，我们可以轻易地用一句话让一个人哭一整夜。

而我，正慢慢的学习收敛这些伤害力。

以前我以为这是违背自我，但其实，慈悲才是人性的初衷。

我有必要学习保护我爱的人，免予受到我的伤害。

这个世界正在将我们驯服，但在我最后的自我消失之前，我在这里留下这份记录，

把这个力不从心的我永远的放逐在这些文字里，不需要去面对现实中那些缠绕着我们的蔓藤。

在这个故事里，我们永远是那自由的孩子，如此深爱这世界。

…时针指向晚上九点半，哥哥，表姐，表弟，表妹和我东歪西倒的躺在客厅。小舅舅还在楼下，而我们正等着他上楼来带我们去吃宵夜。外婆看出了我们的心思，嚷着妈妈把小舅舅叫上来带我们出去。妈妈说外婆太过宠我们，而我们看似无动于衷的脸，心里却充满期待。那个时候，我们都还是个小屁孩儿。那个时候，我们都只是个小屁孩儿…

“…记忆深处的旅行 短暂的相聚
愿此时的暖阳 也在静静照耀你
带着我所有的感激 对你们的思念
命运的使然 我这漂泊的游子
每次思念远方的你们 我会向故乡顶礼
心中升起的喜悦 总在归乡的旅程
当家门在开启时 这世界变得温暖
心中升起的喜悦 总在归乡的旅程
当家门在开启时 这世界变得温暖
心中升起的喜悦 总在归乡的旅程
当家门在开启时 我会紧紧拥抱你…”

-许巍，喜悦

时间薄如蝉翼，却藕断丝连欲断难断

天空和大地画出一条换日线

我们有了生生不息的时间

也有了斤斤计较的承诺

还有了步步为营的生命

但我们却越来越常回忆。

而回忆就像一个用之不尽，取之不竭的林中瀑布。

我们浸泡在清澈的潺潺水流之中，得到一点点的疗伤。

岁月无情的逼迫我们成长，一如强力的隔离我们与那个小屁孩儿，

只有在回忆里，我们隔着一道玻璃去欣赏那一段最朴实的日子

那唯一一段，配得上“逍遥”二字的日子

自由啊，我只能在回忆里，才能看得见你

自由啊，我必须远离现实，才能感受得到你

谨以此配上一首席慕容的诗，

慰藉我们无处安放的青春：

七里香-席慕容

溪水急着要流向海洋

浪潮却渴望重回土地

在绿树白花的篱前

曾那样轻易地挥手道别

而沧桑的二十年后

我们的魂魄却夜夜归来

微风拂过时

便化作满园的郁香

***********************

~人生是该有个望处，在你颠沛流离的情感中，保留动荡之中的安稳

而如果是现在的我们去走当时的路，会不会比较幸福？

She is a fighter

I was trying to clear my junk-mail in box.
I had a 1,500++ number of unread.
Gosh, Junk mail is a thing.

So i was clearing all the way through it,
feeling accomplish as this one task is finally progressing
resolution, CHECKED! mate!

it was all good until I get to the part where I was looking for jobs.
So many turn down, so many
I still feel hurt.

All in all, i never told this to anyone, but i did not start working in jb all *expect*
i felt ashamed of myself.

all those rejects, all those negativity,
they haunt me even in audit

Though it really is a job hunt kind of syndrome,
except mine lasted a lot longer than i'd expected.

Sooner or later I'm gonna dive right back into that spiral of job hunting.


I've been keeping a diaries. for weeks?
no more daily rants here.
would be more like massive thoughts elaboration.

seriously, I can't wait until I'm like 200 yrs old and re-reading all my post entries


Living life a moment at a time eh?

Max from 2 broke girls helps me see that struggler in me.
She is a fighter.