Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer

As I sit in here at my table in the office, I felt misplace.

I thought I wanted a different job.

You know, like a different country, different horizon, different life, different world.

I watched a video last night about a baby getting his hearing aid for the first time.

His eyes almost popped.

For months I have been in a deep deep valley of disappointments, and this video worked its way in like a little spark. For probably the first time, I saw light.

I cried. A lot. Ever since, I realize I am a very pathetic person.

The kind that doesn’t deserve pity.

I realize all these struggle, started since the day I mentally die.

I forget when, but its like my consciousness has have enough.

I wanted to convey gratefulness and apologies to my parents.

I thank the both of you for relentless understandings, on your rebellious daughter.

Now that I have met more people, it strike me as of how much you have tried to be understanding.

Its never a reason to blame if we never grew close, its just, I felt really bad because I ruined your chances to have a heart-felt daughter.

Sometimes, I see my friends have these little special routines with their mums. They’d share makeups, they’d talk about daily life, they’d share, a lot of their daily lives with their mums. Well I don’t. And I don’t know how to.

Many people prescribe me as unfriendly before they know me. And from there, they just don’t wanna know me anymore. And it never had been an issue to me until I realize it might be the same case with my parents also.

What its like to raise your kid but never get to understand them?

I picture raising kids like raising your own friend. You let them run their own life, but you wish you could stay close.

Leekahinn, why do you have to distant yourself like all the time?

Maybe its unfair to say I never miss home, more like, I never felt that I have left.

Because it has been pretty much the same thing.

Only sometimes, I miss the TV at home.

But other than that, I don’t really feel the need of a physical appearance of my home.

Its in me. And as long as my parents are reachable through phone/ social media, anywhere, is my home.

Sometimes, when you are alone in a land of strangers, you feel lonely. Or Rather, I felt lonely.

But somehow, I talked myself through and believed that I will be a loner for the rest of my life, and so I better suck that up.

So I shut the fuck up, cry myself to sleep, and wake up another person, who is now stronger and never feel lonely or scare.

I am scared of all sort of animals, basically anything with eyes, or fur, or hair, or slimy-ness.

But if I were to be locked in the dungeon with any of these, I wouldn’t surrender.

Life turned me into a fighter and unfortunately, life forgot to turn off the dreamer part of me.

Every now and then, I picture a full frame photo, with everyone I have ever heard of or came to know.

I like to picture each of them at the best of their smile.

It makes me felt like this world is probably not that bad.

I used to label myself as an optimist. Now, I am not sure if I’m pessimist or depression.

Sam's

I am feeling a lot of imbalance.

Can't juggle between jealousy or pure jealousy.

SO, I was thinking I can blog about something happy,
to help get over this huge negativity.
(or should I just do awkward-dance to shake-it-off)

The only happy thing about me recently is that Sam got married.
I mean I always thought she has been in a stable relationship, but still, it felt warmingly to see them become husband and wife.

Sometimes, I do think I am pretty lucky in many sense.
Having met kind people around my life and thus soften my edges a tiny bit.

I met Sam at the doorstep of my first job, and she stayed friend.
We grew close somewhere around sometimes that I have forgotten.

But in my memory, she has always been this kind person with generous spirit.

(yup, she offered me food before. and whoever that has gave me food, will always remain in my prayers.)

We didn't stay long in the dinner for their ROM.
It was packed and everyone is trying to get a hold of the bride and groom.

I think everyone is genuinely happy.

If only I could have such happiness to stick around for a longer while

I can't help my pessimistic.

But I really wanna be happy for sam.
I declared yesterday a happy day.
And soon enough, reality bitch slap me and lure me into work.

Sam, I am very, utterly, utmost-ever-ly happy for you.
I always will be.

Its just, I have too much hate and sadness.
I am not as cool as I thought.
I am just another piece of crap.

Crap bag.

Friends S10E16

people will grow apart
that is just what it is about in this life

Nothing were ever meant to stay

And as I was typing this, my friend sent me a job vacancy in Finland.

"..as she flee the country.."

this sentence always gets to me
it goes straight into the core of my heart and stab right through

I even thought of getting a job in Bangkok.

Its killing me that I am not doing any adventure

If only I could have somebody to turn to
or a room where I know I would find food and friends

ya, 25 and realize I have been losing all my friends.

So hey current friends, don't leave, please?

Kahinn and her books

what do you know, once a blogger always a blogger

I thought I couldnt write much these days.
All I have was pieces of stories which I never could finish.

I really wanted to finish them.
Its just, somehow my characters stayed helpless like me
While I can't even find a way out myself, what are there for those fictional characters.

Writing stories is quite a personal enjoyment.
I never share any of those with anyone, because I just can't.

These stories are all a part of me.
My memories, my expectations, my wishes, my jealousy

I like reading and I like writing.

I was talking to the roomate the other day.
We were talking about interview questions, and I said I would always say reading even though it kinda mean I am a boring person.
She laughed and proceeded to agree, 'Ya, quite lame'

Err. right.

Okay I know, I would judge too if it weren't for me.

I really enjoy reading,
not only because it makes me look smart (I figure this probably didnt work after all..)
I enjoy stories, like any stories but the I-love-u-u-love-me-but-lets-cry kind of romance
anything but that.

English stories in general annoy me with the extended pace
(like 3 pages to describe an autumn morning. no thanks)

I recalled i once read one full page paragraph describing a garden bench.
NOPE.

I guess the only good traits my parents instilled on me successfully was to be read.
I can easily lure my dad into buying any books.
And my mum, she bought a whole set of encyclopedia for me and my brother.
The set was a fun one, I remember I loveeeeee the one with ancient history.
Oh and I would take those (hardcovers) and pretend it was my laptop.

And somehow, I actually miss playing with my legos.
I was never good at that, but those were some great fun among my dull life.

oh wait, this was supposed to be about me and my books.

Books. hmm, I read like a nerd.
Nothing fancy like a cafe with jazz and coffee with natural setting.
I just want to cozy up with my blanket and enter into a mental journey

But for that sense, I really wanted a good reading chair.
You know, something like a bean bag but better
Where you can sit you can lie and,
just something that can ease my back bone/ spinal cord...

BookNerds should dream for a book shelf but for me,
I really want a great chair to adventure into

I seriously don't mind my books scattering

In fact, I like it when they are not-organised

As if I could pick up anything and be surprise!



Sometimes, when I was watching a movie, I narrate it.
I would describe those empty scene and I really enjoyed that !



well you go ahead and judge

Masking

I've started to reduce my times here, here what I'd prefer to call my memory banks.

2 years ago, I wouldn't have imagine what was it like to stop writing on my blog.
Now, I just miss the times when I have too much about me to tell.

Some people once told me only lame people write blog/ diaries, others are too busy living their awesome shining life.

Well that is not true.

My life has got even lame-r than it ever had been but I stopped writing.
Maybe people just stop reflecting on themselves when they are too busy or too free.
Either of the extreme, you felt like you are occupied by the glory or the emptiness, it just kept you from thinking about yourself

So how was me?

I started putting on makeups. It became a ritual.
I dress up myself, put on high heels, paint my face, and ready to smile at the bad times.

I enjoy staring into the mirror as my cleanser melt the makeups away.
It calms me down. Its more like a symbolic action to me.
Like I'm finally off that table of documents and back to the leekahinn who had never grow up a single bit.

Well, I hadnt do my birthday post this year.
Might as well make this one of it.

I forgot when I stopped celebrating birthdays.
Mum & Dad used to take us out for a decent western meal on our birthdays.
And we get to go Toys  R Us, pick up a toy that I would lose interest as soon as I get a hold on it.
That's just what I do, buy something just to own and forget about the initial craze.

way to go leekahinn. way to go.

uh huh. uh huh. I have always been aware of my 3-minute interest in basically everything.

so, I was talking bout make-ups.
Or the mask I have been wearing upon facing reality.

I think all my emoness was about whether I should keep on having the mask on and off and should I just let the mask melt upon my face?

I mean, calling it a mask may not do much justice, cause, I'm not an entirely different person under it and without it.
Its just, all those makeups, high heels, dresses and coat, it made me felt, hmm what's the word, stronger? mentally stronger?
Like I am more ready, or acceptable, towards the meaness coldness illogical shits.
and that I can take more rejects, huge NOs, firm NOs, fucking NOs, I-m-too-busy-so-no NOs.

The thing is growing up, is that I realize the spaces around me getting smaller.
MENTAL spaces.

Like when you were a kid, I felt like I have so many things!
I would walk around the house at 12 am when everyone is sound asleep,
and I would just count on the stuffs I have

From soft toys to random stationary to cds

I had so much that I used to make myself decide which to bring had I were ever ordered to evacuate... *assuming scenes of apocalypse*

#ProudOfMyImaginations

I always struggled! Do I bring more books to appear smart or bring more huggybears/barbie dolls to appear soft and weak.

At that age, I always believe that if you could convince people that you are soft and weak, you can be anything you want. Well, at least that's what school had taught.
Cry whenever the teacher wanna question you, they will just know you are innocent, and ready to trust all your bull shits. It helps when you are tiny and fair too.

When you are gigantum like me, don't bother trying.
You hardly see people lovingly look at a whale or a shark don't you

So back to my struggles. Apparently, back then, I wasn't so much a book person.
I was lame and ordinary.

I like barbie dolls, totally bought-in the rich prince poor servant love.
I believed in the television, to be precise, the craps in the television.

But hey look at me now, I drive recklessly, live like a hobo, and sometimes secretly wanna be a beggar for a day.
I have packed and packed many times in my life and I'm getting good at it.

Whenever I go, I don't really unpack.
Because I always felt like I'm leaving soon, SOON.

I don't bother settling stuffs into organised manner because I always have this deep intuitive that i am leaving.
Settling down never sound like an option to me.
It was always something I wish others well for.

"Oh hey, happy for your marriage, so settling down huh? Good for you!"
"I heard you've been on a new job for a while. How was it? Great You think gonna stay?Wow terrific! I am so happy to hear this!"
"So you think you will move to the new place with your boyfren? Glad that you guys are taking the next step! Way to go!! Having your own family has always been your dream ain't it! Please don't you ever forget to invite me on your wedding!"
"Going further studies? WOW! Thats good thing! I thought its about time you start pursuing something you want!Keep me posted! Well send me some postcards will ya?"

Seeing people taking off into another phase of life
Seeing people choosing to call a place home

I never understand that

What was it like to settle down?
What was it like to wanting to settle down?

Does it mean you stop worrying about you running out of disposable underwear?
Does it mean you stop worrying about missing an obvious opportunities?
Does it mean you can officially say that your primary commitment need you?
Does it mean you don't feel as worthless during weekends?


What is the weight of such commitment?


As I am washing my hands in that washroom of client with and office of 1970s,
I lift my head and accidentally caught a glimpse of my reflection

And every time, I hear Mulan closing the door and begun singing,

"Look at me,

I will never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter.

Can it be, 

I'm not meant to play this part?

Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself, 

I would break my family's heart.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know

Somehow I cannot hide,

Who I am, thought I've tried, 

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

How I pray, that a time will come, 

I can free myself, from their expectations

On that day, I'll discover someway to be myself,

and to make my family proud.

They want a docile lamb, 

No-one knows who I am.

Must there be a secret me, 

I'm forced to hide?

Must I pretend that I am someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?"

- Mulan, Reflection

Who is this pale face with annoying blush spot?
Who is this in dresses and high heels walking upright trying to speak convincing and persuasive?

Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?

I don't hate myself under this working look,
its just, I wonder what is the balance between the working look and my just-me-surviving look?


Writing like this makes me feel awesome.
Right, its the best in fact.
Easily I felt ok again.

I always feel ok again.

晚安曼谷

本着怕死的的心提前四小时到机场，还被工作人员拒绝寄行李，因为太早了。

这一次真的好短，却很丰富。这就是充分的感觉吧？

第一次只有自己，走在人们以讹传讹的曼谷街头，我觉得无比轻松！

对于曼谷，我从来没有期待过什么。但这么短短的几天，我已然成了曼谷的铁杆粉丝，誓死维护这个城市的高调，这个城市的低调。

但这不就是生活吗？在你忙于奔波忙于计划的当儿，生活亦步亦趋的在你的周围突然丢给你一份惊喜。

我之前想好要来曼谷写一个故事，结果每天我都傻不啦叽的在大街上四处蹿。太阳很烈，但我的心很野。今天早上睁开眼，正对着床边的小窗，绿意盎然的叶子映着橘黄色的阳光。我突然想起Pat是今早十点的飞机，转头一看她的位置已人去床空，雪白的床单套件好象在重启欢迎模式，等着下一个人拥抱入眠。我转回头看了看手机，早上七点。

心里油然而生一股浓烈的不舍之感，再几个小时，我的位置也会这样，挥一挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩。我开始努力地想记住每一个人，第一个是自由行却搞出旅行团阵仗的Pat，然后是很努力证明自己是广东人的Zain，还有那个十点多才check in却还要出去的Alice，最后一晚还有穿好衣服等着出门high的Maggie和Peggy。我在床上一遍一遍得想着短短的四天我们每晚躺在床上乱七八糟的聊天的情况。

今天临走，Som帮我把行李扛上车。她跟我拥抱道别，然后阳光的对我挥手。

我跟她说，谢谢你给我了最棒的曼谷。

我在往机场的路上看着街景掠过车窗，我在想究竟是我们错过了风景还是风景错过了我们。

我刚到旅舍的那一天，时间是午后的4点多。我跟同事讨论完工作的内容就慌慌张张的跑到天铁站正式开始我的奇幻冒险。一路上，我茫然地看着天铁窗外的天空，是蓝白分明的大晴天。那时候我想问，这个国家，该不会不下雨吧？确实，那蓝天白云的颜色鲜艳的好象不曾被洗涤过一样。曼谷，究竟是怎么样的呢？

到了旅舍，Som亲切地走向我。她问我是不是刚下的飞机，我说不是，是刚结束公司培训。她恍然大悟说，哦！你就是那个AirBnB的嘛！我们像两个一开始没认出来的朋友一样，瞬间熟悉起来。她让我填了一张个人资料，然后就领着我往房间走去。我印象最深的，是表格上有一个选项，你可以选择yes或者no。选项是，Hug。每每想起这个，我总会微笑。Som领我到我的房间，跟我说了床位的分布，再到公共空间去跟我说了基本设施的使用，然后就留给我一个特阳光的笑容。那笑容真的就好象海边那些拥抱大海的冲浪青年独有的不羁。

那天，我就在公共空间坐到晚上11点。公共空间的设计很漂亮很舒服，阳光透过长型的玻璃窗暖了我的背，我不停的变换坐姿在写报告。期间，有俩住客有一搭没一搭的在聊天，我也混在里头学习怎么正常面对陌生人。他们都说已经旅行快2个月了，而我则好好的隐藏了我的惊讶，但内心却在呐喊，你们他妈哪来的时间啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊！！！！！！！！

阳光渐渐柔和，窗外的吧台和花园已经开起了灯。吧台负责人擦拭着杯子，几个住客围在花园里聊起天，我听到了络绎不绝的吵闹声。我转身看着这美得像幅画的场景，心里对着曼谷的各种问号，暂时歇下。

隔天，我到了Central Embassy去和朋友吃午餐。高端大气上档次的商场，低调奢华有内涵的餐厅，我在曼谷的高楼大厦之中吃了一餐黑松露。商场的设计就是奔着高大上去的，我确实很惊讶，这跟电影里的曼谷，不一样啊！电影里，曼谷就是一排排老旧的店，挂着绿色的蓬，人来人往的大街上，川流不息的车子还有电单车和充满个性的tuk tuk。这些，再加上满天灰尘，还有拎着啤酒的背包客。这才是电视里的曼谷！入夜，七彩的灯光转起来，各种神秘的秀场表演，各种妩媚的眼神从四面八方投射过来，企图把你领进那个其实并不那么禁忌的禁忌世界。

现实的冲击下，曼谷的繁华活生生的包裹着我。我还来不及提问，答案已经一目了然。有地铁的地方总会让我想起新加坡台湾上海。但是在曼谷，我却从神龙摆尾的地铁中看到一点点缓慢。印象中的地铁站，总是一群又一群的人低头刷屏。但是在曼谷，不小心插队的瞬间我震惊的眼神迎来的却是对方亲切地一笑。我猜，我是走了狗屎运，对方非但没有骂我，还倒退一步腾出空间给我。作为一个俗辣，我当然是果断拒绝，然后跑到队伍后方。

但我是真的挺感动的。

我一开始写这篇文，是因为我脑子里积攒了太多情绪。

今天早上交了房卡我匆匆跑到商场去买点东西。我搭着电车跟这个城市倾诉道别。

然后，我也不相信我接下来将说的，但就是发生了，

电车里一遍一遍的泰文广播和熟悉的站名，衬着窗外幻灯片一般的景色，我发现我居然在掉泪。

我想起了在这里遇到的所有人。他们让我明白，这个世界，除了那些我不理解的人，还是有人愿意理解我。我一直很羡慕其他人有姐姐，一个让我倾诉的对象。我也有三个姐姐，但她们毕竟年长我许多，甚至各自有了家庭。25年了，我的感悟是，我不能有任何意思依靠别人的念头。每个人都会在有了自己的圈子以后离你而去。他们不会真的离开，但他们将不再有时间去听你对人生的困惑，抑或对生活的无助。

曾经，有我很重视的朋友跟我说，“你现在的烦恼算什么，等你有了男朋友，对方的家人才是真的烦恼”

原来那句话伤了我这么深。

也好像是那句话开始，我开始小心翼翼的，不再说任何烦恼。

我没有交男朋友啊，我不该去烦他们。

我很怕某天他们突然嫌我烦就再也不理我。

然后我就真的，只有一个人了。

我很怕人家跟我谈起生活，我很怕人家跟我谈起未来。

我觉得这两项我都没有，就连自由，我也不是很确定。

在生活面前，我总是很自卑。

这一趟自己的旅行，我才又遇上了那些和我一样的人。

他们有悔恨，有感慨，但各个都目前的生活保持一种不枉此行的感觉。

写不下去了。我想好好哭。

生生不息

25年来听过的歌不算多也不算少

但再也没有一首歌像许巍的那样

今天看见有人写说许巍的第一张专辑是在别处，再到现在的此时此刻

我仿佛看见自己的影子

我总觉得自己的生活应该在别处，想寻找的一切总是在别处

所以我很努力的奔跑，拼了命的追逐一个扑朔迷离的期望

会不会其实我在找的一切其实就在此时此刻

生命的答案不再他方，而是在自己

我走到哪里，答案就在哪里

想起等一个人咖啡，思萤说答案在问题出现以前就已经存在

也许，是同样的道理也说不定

許巍——《空谷幽蘭》

縱有紅顏 百生千劫

難消君心 萬古情愁

青峰之巔 山外之山

晚霞寂照 星夜無眠

如幻大千 驚鴻一瞥

一曲終了 悲欣交集

夕陽之間 天外之天

梅花清幽 獨立春寒

紅塵中 你的無上清涼寂靜光明 

默默照耀世界

行如風 如君一騎絕塵

空谷絕響 至今誰在傾聽

一念淨心 花開遍世界

每臨絕境 峰回路又轉

但憑淨信 自在出乾坤

恰似如夢初醒 歸途在眼前

行盡天涯 靜默山水間

傾聽晚風 拂柳笛聲殘

踏破芒鞋 煙雨任平生慧行堅勇

究暢恆無極

我是不是已经到那个，无法说出自己最爱的歌的时候了？

因为每一首，都是我生命中的回响，日日夜夜，生生不息

Advisory

Long weekend and I spoiled myself with freedom to sleep

Was on the phone with dad last night and he asked if i still remember a year ago we went to get his new car

Then it struck me.
I've transferred to advisory department for a year now.

or is it really just a year?

Just one year, and everything have been so much different.

I've been to Shanghai, Melaka, and even god forsaken Klang.

Somehow, I felt like it has been longer than a year, almost 2 year I'd expect.

Just a year. really?


I figured its important I at least keep these milestones updated here.



I guess, there really is no right or wrong in life.
It just seems right to me because that is what I wanted.


Never have I told anyone, but had I joined advisory before audit,
I might request for a transfer just as well.


Its just, I want it all.
Too ambitious maybe?


I hate for not being contented
but part of me, kept wonder what such would bring me.





These days, I couldn't stop thinking of my reckless days during work and travel
Everything felt so unreal, I hesitated that I really have been in all those photos I have.


Of sudden I wanna talk about my work environment, in general.

Working in an audit firm, seems rather mysterious to many
Probably because an auditor goes out to all kind of company, but you will have to be an auditor to know what its like to be one

I found 2 main traits that are rather... interesting?

1. You are mostly surrounded by people your age, hence a lot of college/high school drama still lingered
2. Farewell. Endless.

Most people join audit right off their college. 

With that, I will be in a huge group of people my age.

In contrary to other companies where in a department of 10, there is a distribution of age between 20s to 50s.

In an audit firm, the top notch is always old, only them can afford to be old.

Seriously, if you are 30, its really hard to convince yourself that you are ok with the job/ pay as an associate

Ok, so with that point, you can basically imagine our so-called politics are rather different?

man seriously, I'm not even sure if that politics.

Think about it, we are basically just another school system

where the managers are like our teachers, and we are kids that are dying to get out of here

and yes, we have different group but, nothing as fancy as those politics you can find in a wallstreet movie

And for the farewell.

Oh yes. There is probably a farewell dinner every month.. or even every weeks.

Also because of us being all young, we will celebrate birthdays too

so basically, every month, you will have some pictures up on facebook bidding goodbye to someone

the restaurants could be fancy and got your parents wondering how the hell did you afford those shits

and you probably get to taste the most out of the cakes from nearby bakeries of your office

don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing these for my friend.

A lot of us are from outstation, as in we stay near office or relatives house

In a way, this is a place new to us, and we are far away from home

I like it when we are in a group photo, and everyone is smiling and posing,

it makes the damn truth that we are all pathetic 20s a bit further away

As in, despite all those pathetic-ness, we are still laughing at the face of life

well we still pay our bills, live our dreams and all

just you know, we are auditors

we are under this slavery system that is glamorously disguised as a professional service provider

I'm glad that i have joined this place to meet these people

Because rarely in a work place where you actually have lots of them struggling with you

The struggle you have when you are assigned for "finalization" or "wrap-up"

The struggle that the client is just not cooperating

You can't convey this to non-auditors.

You just can't.

They will never get it.

But to your colleagues, just a smile and they know everything.

I stayed in EYJB because of my fellow colleagues.

So dear god, be kind to them,

if you ever bother to show me a sign, give them better opportunities somewhere else

If they left, I'm not staying either.

I know I'm a mafia by day and night, but sincerely, 

I have never let a day gone by without feeling thankful that I have met you guys.

Not all of you guys. but quite a number of you guys.

For one who would live through college, making only 4 friends, 

you guys meant so much achievement to me.

You probably took me as your colleague, but I took you as a friend.

And as a friend under my definition, I would go the distant for you, any distant.

Its good to have friends like this.

I felt like I'm human again.

not just a work completing machine.

Thanks.

And you guys will always be in my prayers.

(I tried naming you guys but its really hard)

(wtf!)

有誰能聽見 我不要告別

有沒有那麼一朵玫瑰 永遠不凋謝

永遠驕傲和完美 永遠不妥協

爲何人生最後會像一張紙屑 還不如一片花瓣曾經鮮豔

一天用来路过 另一天还是路过

我很想去那里
是不是在这个灯火斑斓的地方
让我无限期待那个大大片的天，大大片的地？

我听着许巍，觉得自己好像去了好多好多地方

但我只有两天，
一天用来诞生
一天用来思惘

想狠狠地

哭

不是因为累了

是因为想放弃了

才发现，从来就只能放弃

我不知道什么叫做努力就不会后悔

我很努力

付出一切的努力

我却，依旧只有两天

我还是飞不起来，依旧需要等待