心态

三年前的今天，我在冬天的雪地里
傻傻的笑着

凯凯王说得对
要调整好自己的心态

心态，那才是本事。

Early bird discount for christmas

Dear Santa,

I prefer to be early, not that I imagine I might get an imaginary discount.
You probably are having your aftermath from your holiday after your big day at work last month.

It's just, I needed quite some strength to pursue what I am after.

The struggle with my career has gotten real and I needed luck and strength.

that is point number 1 and you might wanna tell me the 'ur strength lies within you and only you can help yourself' crap.

Just thought I could casually mention it to you, in case you think you have extra strength to spare..
or like an extra elf to be my sidekicks like mulan and mushu...

anyhow, this year for christmas, I'd really like to have a full set of hardcover harry potter series.
I know this is an outdated wish.
You probably had that wish years ago, and just in case you have a few of them left you know.

And I would definitely find a nice window to cozy up with the book..

well.

thanks.

Regards,
Me.

二十多岁的时候，你很多梦想
你要去抓住它

因为三十岁的时候，你要去拥抱你二十岁的梦

Look up to the sky not just the floor

"Million Years Ago"

by, Adele

I only wanted to have fun

Learning to fly learning to run

I let my heart decide the way

When I was young

Deep down I must have always known

That this would be inevitable

To earn my stripes I'd have to pay

And bare my soul

I know I'm not the only one

Who regrets the things they've done

Sometimes I just feel it's only me

Who can't stand the reflection that they see

I wish I could live a little more

Look up to the sky not just the floor

I feel like my life is flashing by

And all I can do is watch and cry

I miss the air I miss my friends

I miss my mother I miss it when

Life was a party to be thrown

But that was a million years ago

When I walk around all of the streets

Were I grew up and found my feet

They can't look me in the eye

It's like they're scared of me

I try to think of things to say

Like a joke or a memory

But they don't recognise me now

In the light of day

I know I'm not the only one

Who regrets the things they've done

Sometimes I just feel it's only me

Who never became who they thought they'd be

I wish I could live a little more

Look up to the sky not just the floor

I feel like my life is flashing by

And all I can do is watch and cry

I miss the air I miss my friends

I miss my mother I miss it when

Life was a party to be thrown

But that was a million years ago

A million years ago

**************************

When was the last time a song caught you right in the act of life?

It struck through you and instead of crying, 

you were left suffocating in the eerie silence.

You can't cry.

For your heart is weeping and bleeding

You are worried,

about yourself.

下降的速度太快，来不及踏上未来

In the end, we all regretted for a poorly hand-shake goodbye

Years later, as you sit back at your leather-made sofa, watching your kids running around your thousand-dollar carpet,

You began to think back of the people at the very beginning of your working life

How long have you been working?

5 years? 10 years?

And then even that year old awkward goodbye hugs seem precious.

Because time washes off the harshness of reality,

What remains, are the essence of your memories.

The smile, the laughs, the helpless hopeless working papers,

They all look cute from afar. FROM AFAR.

And if situation allows, flip out your phone,

Call a person or two

“Hello, its me. I was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet~”

#Thoughts 001

I think the sadness and pathetic of life sink in when we realize, we actually like 2 different life that cannot be together.

As a human of this world at this time, we are taught to be logical. If you are not, you belong to an asylum. And by logic, it means everyone can be measured with pros and cons, every event in life can be carefully analyzed for advantages and disadvantages. We are supposed to level between these and figure out the most cost-benefit way of them all.

You like football and you like baseball? Well play both and find out which one you are better at. Here I use the word “better at” instead of “liked the most” because, well, if you purposely choose something that you like for your own pleasure, you are dumb, you are stupid and you are the negative example for the whole next century.

There is no such thing as both, or have it all. That I get.

There are so many things in this world that you can have, but “All” is never an option.

Even for those people who say those women who have both wonderful family and successful careers, they say these women have everything.

Nope. Nope, but not in a negative way.

These people are more determined I guess. They are pretty clear that they want a wonderful family and successful career. You try mixing a wonderful family, a successful career and plenty of leisure time for self. Pretty impossible. You have only one life, made up by 60 seconds per minute and 24 hours a day.

Basically everything you do has a tik-tok.

In what that has inspired me into writing these, it’s when Robin & Barney first got engaged.

Ted had been all fine and obsessed of being a “main-of-honor”, and somehow Lily got Ted up in the roof and say, “I’m gonna give you an out”.

“Sometimes I wish I am not a mother. I wish I can just pack up a bag and leave in the middle of the night, never coming back.”

“Robin shouldn’t be with Barney. She should be with me”

(One thing with these sitcoms, is that they are relatable. Somehow some part of  these seemingly ridiculous story is part and parcel of your whole life, if not summary of it. #ExaggeratingToMakeAPoint)

I always wonder how people get up, decide that ok, I want a family and I want nothing but a family. People, as in my parents. I always label myself as the wasted kid. You know, the one you wished you hadn’t had. My parents have been really awesome, like providing me education, needs, luxuries and even dreams. My parents made it a thing to celebrate every year during my birthday. We get to go fancy western restaurant where I will order chicken chop and milkshakes.

They love me like any pure love a parent can ever give a child, maybe even more.

It’s just, sometimes, I don’t think I deserve such love.

For all these years, I felt like I am the worst kid.

Always waiting to flee the warm comfortable nest

Always dreaming for tougher and bigger shits

Chinese has a saying that says to not travel far when the parents are around.

I can’t.

Simply just can’t.

As I flip back the old photos of me, I felt bad.

My parents have positive expectations on me.

But I grew up this rebellious immature emo kid.

I never said I love you to my parents and the thought of that grosses me.

I don’t realize the need to call home randomly.

My mum had to text me like “Hey its been 2 weeks not hearing from you, how are you?”

I wished I could be more caring.

Keep them in my concern.

(TruthBeTold, I think I have no concern.)

Maybe I was right all the time, I am incapable to love.

That’s why I guilt over the love people showered on my.

My family, my friends.

Probably same reason why I keep losing friends too.

怕什么，从你双脚用力的踩在地上抬头挺胸眼神坚定的那一刻，你就赢了

我已只有在关注欧阳娜娜

除了觉得她实在漂亮得很自然，也觉得她拉大提琴的眼神很专注

我不懂的评价五官，只是整体上，我觉得她很真

前阵子闹得沸沸扬扬的是她休学的决定

跟我没有半毛钱关系

我只是觉得她还是很真，休学这事我看不懂

但今天我突然看到一个视频，娜娜妈妈说她第一次带娜娜到北京见被北京爱情故事的导演

导演问了娜娜，你想演这部戏吗？

娜娜说，想。

导演又问，为什么？

娜娜说，因为我不希望我的人生只有大提琴。

我才明白，她休学休得很值得。

姑不论她究竟会否发光发热，但是一个愿意拿自己的生命去赌的人

我尊重她

琴拉得很好，不代表你就只能拉琴

想拉琴，又想演戏，为什么不可以两个都选？

有些人就是要追求人生的宽度

怕什么，从你双脚用力的踩在地上抬头挺胸眼神坚定的那一刻，你就赢了

今天跟妈妈坦白在心里纠结好久的情绪

妈妈说，我们不要跟别人比较。我们自己做好就好。

妈妈说，如果你真的很累，想休息，可能考完试，你就回家吧。

妈妈说，爸爸妈妈很骄傲，你可以有一份这样的工作，努力的去做。

妈妈说，你才25岁，不要钻牛角尖，不要给自己太大压力。

妈妈说，哭一下，发泄一下，也好。然后就不要再去想它。

妈妈说，以前补习的英文老师Puvan还记得你们，他跟爸爸说哥哥和你是他那里补习补了很久的学生。

妈妈说，你以后有什么想不开的，就打给我们聊一聊。

妈妈说，你要好好吃饭，好好睡觉，好好的做。是不是工作不喜欢了？是不是受不了了？是不是做不下去了？想要回家吗？

妈妈说了好多好多，深怕我会陷下去一样。

我爸爸妈妈一直都很努力想给我的生活好一点

给我教育，给我我想要的冒险

我常常觉得爸爸妈妈双手捧了一堆堆的好东西送到我的面前

我却好像一直在原地踏步

好想回家

我哭得好累，哭得头好痛。

但是我的眼泪怎么停不了

我这样哭，会不会瞎掉？

要直视宿命的眼睛

要勇敢而正直的，直视宿命的眼睛

每一个为了生活踏实工作的人，都是高尚的灵魂

我不委屈，我不转弯

我，不气馁。

這一次 你真的很介意

周六的深夜，甚至可以说初晨？
我在听陈奕迅

刚过的周五是我在这里第三年的公司年度晚会
两年了，在这里

从朦胧到懵懂，再到崩溃再到离开，再到重新开始再到现在

我好不容易，心里坦荡了些

我觉得刚过的周五，是一个最高点
那天我在乎的人都在，大家都很开心
走走跳跳聊聊吃吃

我觉得人生就是一直不停的堆叠，叠成一个完美的金字塔
然后开心的围着塔转圈圈，然后生活就无情的摧毁整个不论任何心血
一开始我们傻眼，然后默默地捡起碎片重新开始

一次，两次，三次。。。然后我们就习惯了

而周五，就是我第N次建好金字塔的那一天

我很用力一直笑，去记住每一个人开怀大笑的样子
有些人往后仰，有人往前俯
我在想这一次命运会把我们冲散成怎样

我已经不再像以前那样无助了
因为无助久了，习惯了

现在听到葡萄成熟时

我都忘了这首歌

原来从听不懂一首歌，到那首歌每句词儿如利刃刺入心里
可以是好几年的慢火炖

最近的生活真的好多好多，好多不如意

我开始幻想也许很多年后，我会思念起现在这个我
涉世未深，却从一个没心没肺的雄孩子，活生生给虐成多愁善感的林黛玉

现在的我，没钱没房没车
但我有自由，那种最接地气的自由

高兴了可以连续一整晚看完一个系列的美国恐怖故事
不高兴了车钥匙抓一抓可以上电影院吃晚餐

很多小确幸，却也很难多坎儿
但谁没坎儿？
人生没垮几道坎儿哪能算活过？

我终于感受到为什么人家总说一个人什么都可以没有，不能没有希望

我在办公室的位子左手边有一道积了太多灰尘的玻璃
下起雨的时候外头看起来特别朦胧，真的就好像被大雨死死掐住一样
偶尔，我会拍下一张窗外的照片

等我离开，我应该会很思念这扇窗吧？

陀飞轮的第一段歌词说十八岁的时候不爱带手表，因为有的是时间
我以前很两极化，有表的时候连洗澡都戴着手表，每一分每一秒斟酌的过
表坏掉的时候，我可以好几个月都没有手表，毫不眷恋

长大后我只有一只手表，每一天象征性的看一看表成了我最喜欢的透透气活动
看着时间一直一直不停不停的走，好像这是我生活里唯一不曾改变的东西

有时我会看着手表然后幻想十多年前的此时此刻，我在干嘛？
是念书呢？还是补习？还是在玩？

我好像再看一次日出，那种口里呵着冷气，手里握着热可可的日出
那样的时候，觉得自己好渺小，却也因为很渺小所以很自由
渺小的时候觉得，哎呀我们要活在当下人生苦短阿

回到现实里，坐在办公桌前，对着不停涌入的email无能为力
疲惫的身躯撑不起歇斯底里的怒吼

很久之前，我已经习惯了把所有的情绪留待在指尖飞舞于键盘之上

行云流水洋洋洒洒的写完各种复函，停下来，却发现自己提起原子笔的姿势那么生疏

我苦笑

科技是进步了，社会是进步了
文明呢？

文明里不时包括了人性吗？
人性里的记录，回忆，这些都没关系？

我好怀念那个看人笔迹猜人个性的日子

长大后，看着手表，只是想知道，究竟我们离开那段最美好的时光，多久了？


小孩的一天很长，一年却很短
成人的一天很短，一天却很长


我就是被这两句给搞哭的

龙有逆鳞 触之必杀

而生命 对每个人都不公平也没道理
只能扑向泥泞迎向那阵骤雨由不得你
­

突来的骤雨 这条街一路泥泞 就像人生 不过是一场即兴
整个世界 正在对我们挑衅 就算如此还是得无惧前进
­手中的邮报 封面的人在微笑 下个路口 生命在暗巷尖叫
活着只是 油墨上面的一角 明天之后 还有谁翻阅得到
­

我跟你用不同方式 踩过前方带刺荆棘
你嚣张不畏惧退缩 我低头沉默却坚定
用力的还击 发出声音 让他们安静 不敢相信
继续前进 他们畏惧 睁大眼睛 他们躲避
然后放弃 专心聆听 我的声音
­­­­­

而生命 对每个人都不公平也没道理
只能扑向泥泞迎向那阵骤雨由不得你
­如果生命对每个人都不公平也没道理
那就让我带着孤寂继续前进直到光明
­

我 我 我 只有一种容貌 我就是永远不会倒
我就算逆境环绕 我面对也要带着笑
­我只有一种咆哮，我要让他们都知道
我生命再怎么粗糙，我都要活的很骄傲

我说自尊啊 看起来或许可笑
但它至少 撑着我，试着不让我跌倒

活着 如果只是不甘寂寞的喧嚣
那就咆哮吧 让每个人都能听得到
­

用力的还击 发出声音 让他们安静 不敢相信
继续前进 他们畏惧 睁大眼睛 他们躲避
然后放弃 专心聆听 我的声音

­而生命 对每个人都不公平也没道理
只能扑向泥泞迎向那阵骤雨由不得你
­如果生命对每个人都不公平也没道理
那就让我带着孤寂继续前进直到光明­­‑

Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer

As I sit in here at my table in the office, I felt misplace.

I thought I wanted a different job.

You know, like a different country, different horizon, different life, different world.

I watched a video last night about a baby getting his hearing aid for the first time.

His eyes almost popped.

For months I have been in a deep deep valley of disappointments, and this video worked its way in like a little spark. For probably the first time, I saw light.

I cried. A lot. Ever since, I realize I am a very pathetic person.

The kind that doesn’t deserve pity.

I realize all these struggle, started since the day I mentally die.

I forget when, but its like my consciousness has have enough.

I wanted to convey gratefulness and apologies to my parents.

I thank the both of you for relentless understandings, on your rebellious daughter.

Now that I have met more people, it strike me as of how much you have tried to be understanding.

Its never a reason to blame if we never grew close, its just, I felt really bad because I ruined your chances to have a heart-felt daughter.

Sometimes, I see my friends have these little special routines with their mums. They’d share makeups, they’d talk about daily life, they’d share, a lot of their daily lives with their mums. Well I don’t. And I don’t know how to.

Many people prescribe me as unfriendly before they know me. And from there, they just don’t wanna know me anymore. And it never had been an issue to me until I realize it might be the same case with my parents also.

What its like to raise your kid but never get to understand them?

I picture raising kids like raising your own friend. You let them run their own life, but you wish you could stay close.

Leekahinn, why do you have to distant yourself like all the time?

Maybe its unfair to say I never miss home, more like, I never felt that I have left.

Because it has been pretty much the same thing.

Only sometimes, I miss the TV at home.

But other than that, I don’t really feel the need of a physical appearance of my home.

Its in me. And as long as my parents are reachable through phone/ social media, anywhere, is my home.

Sometimes, when you are alone in a land of strangers, you feel lonely. Or Rather, I felt lonely.

But somehow, I talked myself through and believed that I will be a loner for the rest of my life, and so I better suck that up.

So I shut the fuck up, cry myself to sleep, and wake up another person, who is now stronger and never feel lonely or scare.

I am scared of all sort of animals, basically anything with eyes, or fur, or hair, or slimy-ness.

But if I were to be locked in the dungeon with any of these, I wouldn’t surrender.

Life turned me into a fighter and unfortunately, life forgot to turn off the dreamer part of me.

Every now and then, I picture a full frame photo, with everyone I have ever heard of or came to know.

I like to picture each of them at the best of their smile.

It makes me felt like this world is probably not that bad.

I used to label myself as an optimist. Now, I am not sure if I’m pessimist or depression.