我只能装作不知道的继续为一个海市蜃楼般的未来奋不顾身

我想，每个人都有情不自禁而哭的时候吧
人体内的情绪其实是很丰富的
我们不可能一个时候只有一个情绪
大部分都是一对情绪的总和
10%快乐，20%担心，50%随意，10%期待，以此类推

所以，偶尔，想哭的情绪突然高过其他的，
自然的你就会哭出来
但哭出来是好的，那代表，你承认你的无助，
你正在让那种负面的情绪慢慢离开
随着你的眼泪，流出你的世界

呵呵，铺垫那么多，其实不过是想说，我今天放学后哭了。
在车子上，听selina 唱 “谢谢你们爱我的每个人 ” 的时候哭的
我没有被火纹过，但我觉得我的人生有很多时候像一场噩梦
常常，我不知道自己出现在哪里，在做什么
在班上浑浑噩噩是我经常做的事，但其实，我不想的
我只是看着滔滔不绝的讲师，慢慢的发觉自己总是格格不入
然后我会慢慢回想自己怎么样一步一步的走来
怎样在每一天提心吊胆，怕一个不小心就摔个稀巴烂

没有人知道，我其实很害怕
具体怕什么我也不晓得 我就是一直在害怕
从小到大，我都在怕
这种感觉不曾离开，所以我才那么向往坦然

因为怕，我一向不怎么有安全感
而为了喂养我的安全感，我常常做很多吃力不讨好的事
常常学人家把“算了吧”挂在嘴边，
不过是因为自己实在无法承载更多

每天都在怕，但我却没有卧薪尝胆，反而继续提心吊胆
我很逊，喔？

也因为这样的缺乏安全感，我很赶时间
我总是觉得我如果不再规限的时间里把事情完成，我会把我的未来整个错过了
所以我赶时间。把一分钟看得比天还大。
但我的未来究竟有没有连我自己也很怀疑
我只能装作不知道的继续为一个海市蜃楼般的未来奋不顾身

这样匆匆忙忙的过日子有意义吗？没有。
但是若过不这样，我却又无法安心
嗯。这，会不会是传说中的强迫症？
随便吧。不管是不是强迫症，我还是得靠自己把问题解决。

我想要放慢脚步
我想要淡定安稳
我想要用心体会

那天，我试着打太极拳
太极拳的诀窍不是以柔克刚吗？
我就是想克掉自己装出来的刚强
不是要装软弱，而不是不要再“装”
就单纯的做我自己，即使那样的我会软弱，我笃信我也有强悍的一面
只是，我不要再装了
武装自己是很累的，因为一旦日子久了，武装的盔甲会把皮肤粘住
那个时候，面具也已经是身体的一部分
卸不下来的面具慢慢的锈坏在脸上
连自己，都忘了自己原本的样子

但我的太极拳，却连一分钟都坚持不了
这个世界是没有捷径的，要想好好的达到目标
就得像陈木生那样毅然决然走最艰难的路
所以我决定从打坐开始，先调整自己的呼吸吧？

这个世界的每一样事物都有自己的调调
每个人彼此的调调也都有所不同
我必须找到自己的频率，让自己时刻处于最舒服的状态
做自己，其实连呼吸也很重要。
你注意过身边朋友的呼吸吗？
你会发现，每个人的呼吸都是不一样的
有的使用胸腔，有的使用肚子
有的起伏大，有的悄然无声

所以，我要打坐了。
从打坐，学呼吸，学专心，学怡然自得，学从容不迫

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也许有一天，我真的会在五月天的演唱会现场
和开始喜欢五月天的17岁的自己相遇
那个时候，我会用力的抱着她，跟她说，我们过得很好。

然后我们会一起听完那场演唱会
从她最喜欢的歌，到我最喜欢的歌
从我们都熟悉的歌，到我们哭得不能自己的歌

最后的最后，换她给我一个大力的拥抱
她会谢谢我，然后最后跟我说，她还我自由

一个人，为了17岁的梦活着
执着的活着，到最后，就算没有实现
17岁的自己还是还了我自由
给我自由，去做那个时候的我想做的事

而现在，我还是在想，我17岁的梦
.....全世界最美丽的屋子。
嗯....................是，全世界，最美丽的，屋子。

what doesnt kill you makes you stronger

i need to stop being so sensitive
im not some pinkish girlish bitches who get hurt when their puppy refuse to talk to them
im much stronger

i need to really understanding "let it be",
let it be. whenever i complaint, people i love keep telling me this.
could it be a sign?

i dont know. i have a lot of confusion,
though i dont really sound like that
but trust me, inside of my skull, its a mess,
like a ball of thread invaded by a fat house cat,
HUGE mess.

but maybe that happens to everybody too?

some part of me, wanted so badly for me to move on
some part of me, wasnt really ready for the goodbyes
some part of me, still lived in the past
some part of me, prefers to linger on like that...forever?

i dont know. i think i need a therapist.
if only i can donate personality, i would have been a famous charity-person
like, I've got so much extras!
those alone and quiet moments, i even hear them fighting over each other inside of me

and they just happen to switch between each other so rapidly
one moment im like this and the next moment, im totally on the opposite
im thinking what if one day my personality change again and that is the last change
and i just so happen to have a fixed personality
what would i feel, glad? eventually? or, i just wouldnt notice it?

today i visited grandpa in the graveyard.
its been 9 years since he's been gone, into the wind.
i was a stupid form 1 girl when he left
ignorance, rebellious, mainly stupid.
now, im 22, still stupid.

i must say we weren't close.
but my grandpa is like the typical traditional man would be
he would just drive to a nasi-kandar and make me order food
when he thinks i should be hungry

like, he dont ask around if you're good and all
but you know, he does care.

if i could reverse the time,
i'd go back to when he's alive, and talk to him.
like, try to understand more of him
sometimes i look into his photo, feeling like so far yet so close.

i stayed with my grandparents ever since i was little
they fetch my bro n i to kindergarten and make sure we have proper lunch when we're home
and while my parents are working, they make sure we nap in the afternoon
and most of the time, nag us to m.sure our homeworks are done before my mum is home

for 9 years, my grandma has been alone.
though she still has friends and all,
i can never forget when she broke down and cry during her sister my yeepo's wedding
when she cried, i was right in front of her.
i stood as those aunties held her and comfort her

all i did, was standing right there, carving the scene in my mind

what is the feeling of people leaving you eternally one by one?
its like you've seen the end of you, but dont know how and when.
and it doesnt hurt you that you'd eventually leave,
its the fact that you'd not be in any part of others lives anymore

when its reunion dinner, you are not there to m.sure everyone is fed
when the family members are in trouble, you are not there to listen, not to mention help
when you are only an immovable ancestral plate paced in a corner
when your grandkids are here, you cant touch them
and you have the fear that the memory of you in them will eventually fade.

yes. thats what i picture getting old would feel like
for every single second in your life, you'd feel like you're running out of time

dear grandpa in the sky,
every time i watch lion king movie i'd think of you
you said we should always have our generations better than the previous ones
i guess, as a man that traveled all the way from china to malaysia at the age of 14 to earn a living,
thats the best legacy or inheritance you can left for us.
that depicts your dreams.
what were you thinking when you're on the way coming to malaysia at the age of 14?
to have a better future? to eventually be successful and return?
if i were to return to my childhood with the kind of thoughts i have right now,
i'd be a busy person, because there's so much missed-outs that i'd like to correct.
grandpa, thanks for holding up the family. dad took his turn, now, ours are bout to start.
i cant promise you a better generation or what,
but just, i will make you proud. for i will never forget who i am and how i got where i might be.
i will always, remember you. the start of the family and all those entailing stories.
i miss you. i love you.
good night grandpa.

"what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, stands a lil' taller,
it dosent mean im lonely when im alone
What doesnt kill you make a fire,  put that thing on lighter"
--stronger, Kelly clarkson

我妈，我阿嬤，乃至于我

连续两个星期没法儿上网我却一点都不辛苦

甚至有点怡然自得

主要也是因为有手机啦，不然我应该已经把电讯局炸了

前天总算把政府发放的书券用了大半，还剩一张

卖的都是小说，一本接着一本的买

都在怀疑自己是不是真的要开图书馆，

还有，现在忙碌的课业让我几乎晚上10点就得上床充电

真不知道我哪来的时间看整大堆的书

呵。

最近的我，很庸庸碌碌

早上陪着上班族塞车，

中午顶着大太阳吃午饭，

傍晚麻木的在车龙里发呆，偶尔数着雨滴。

这样的生活就像五月天的“生存以上，生活以下”里唱的，

我就是夹杂在生存与生活一线之隔的正中间

其实我很迷茫的，呵呵，是啊谁又真的完全不迷茫呢？

那天风尘仆仆的到吉隆坡去探望姨丈，隔天又风尘仆仆的回槟城

一路上听妈妈说好多她以前的故事

有外婆，有舅舅，有阿姨，有舅公，有姨婆，有妈妈的同学，同事

我偷偷在想，以前妈妈究竟对他自己的未来有什么憧憬？

我妈妈是柔佛人，我阿嬤是中国人。

我最常接触的两个女人都是离乡背井来到槟城我的家。

是不是以后我也会这么离乡背井渠道一个全然陌生的地方？

现在的我们，对于离乡背井是多么的无法预测

若果真的有一天，时候到了，要走了，我舍得吗？

现在，妈妈很少有机会可以回外婆家，就算回到去也不能赖着不走

最多去个三五天，就必须打道回府

来到一个全然陌生的地方，听着截然不同的在地方言，

吃着完全不习惯的在地小吃，走着不再熟悉的街道

会彷徨恐惧吧？ 如果想家了，我妈妈可不可以哭？

如果工作受委屈了也不可以回家放肆的吃喝拉撒睡一直到心情回复

现在我们每次回外婆家，妈妈都一定要吃那些她的家乡美食

但是，每次回去，休假的休假，变差的变差，涨价的涨价，

甚至，有些摊贩已经去世，手艺也已经失传

我看到妈妈失望的脸，但顶多也是抱怨一两声而已

我想，妈妈习惯了吧？

离开家的人，都有面对沧海桑田面目全非的心理准备

还有阿嬤，我阿嬤真的是中国出生的到底中国人。

她常说，小时候家里穷得连鸡蛋都只有在日子才吃得到，

连鞋子都异常珍惜，不是很冷的冬天都还是打赤脚走路上学

从唐山（阿嬤惯称的她的家乡），阿嬤一家搬到了香港

而后从香港，又搬到了台湾

之后姨婆嫁到马来西亚怡保，阿嬤来找她玩，顺势，阿嬤也嫁过来了

我这么说似乎没什么稀奇的，

但在那么物资贫乏，一切科技正在起步的年代，

要说离开家的多大勇气啊？

要说一年半载见不到家人你说得多坚强的心理建设啊？

还有，那么个局势动荡的年代，谁能够保证什么永远？

我常常在想十年后的我，会在哪里？

去过什么地方？做些什么事情？在哪里生活？

我有东西忙了。闪。

eventually, finally.

dated: 16th march 2012

House internet are spoilt for 2weeks plus I guess

Nothing big happened in between

Erm, perhaps just I’ve finally ditch hostel and moved everything home

Gonna travel back and fro from now on for a year

I just watched Pocahontas on TV2. It’s been so long since I last tuned into this channel,

But for Pocahontas, it’s a must!

Disney cartoons were really good back then

Though Nickelodeon wasn’t bad either, like powerpuff girls, spongebob and stuffs

but nothing beats Disney movie! NOTHING.

Back at those days, I watched LionKing in tape and Mulan in VCD.

I don’t think much of the kids nowadays recognize the meaning of tape and vcd anymore, but the major lost I think they are having, is not knowing the wonderful of songs. Those really beautiful songs which are the first “lesson of life” we had.

I still remember watching Beauty & The Beast 3D at the beginning of this semester. Simply satisfying. Actually, even its not in 3D and is just merely a 2D movie, I’d still go. Because, those movies marked my childhood stages by stages.

I didn’t really understand the meaning behind “Reflection” in Mulan back then. But I sure understand her courage to protect her father and her country. And I surely understand the determination to accomplish all of the challenges and the spirit of not taking losing as an answer. And of course, the feeling as in she is stranded on the land of minority that she fail to just follow a normal path like everyone else, she has to fail in everything which normal would expect.

And Lion King, I can watch lion king over and over again like mulan. And like mulan, I didn’t understand the meaning behind those songs. I only know scar is a bad guy, Mufasa is dead because of evil scar and Simba is a brave lion. I didn’t understand the power of hakuna matata, and I didn’t understand the “can you feel the love tonight” part by nana and Simba. DUH. I was a kid with pure soul, its just as normal that I couldn’t understand much of the take-it-easy and love part in life at that age. I do now, OK?

Disney movies really made a huge part of my memories. From not understanding what’s the meaning but merely building up my own understanding over it, until now I had to cry every single time at the “reflection” part of mulan.

When I first heard, I only love the song because its nice. Until I’m old enough and it accidentally popped into my life through radio or youtube, I realize I could sing-along just as well, while at the same time, I’m shocked for all those meaning behind. If I could have understood all those at the age of 4 or 5, I could have been a much better person. A person with less hates and more loves.

But I hope it wasn’t too late for me. I guess it wasn’t, after all, it’s never too late for correction. Better than nothing at least?

Have I ever mentioned my bestest cousin has graduated officially? As in attended graduation ceremony which means no more expectable reason to return to university. Ya, she did. And she said she actually misses her university and all those friends. I guess this is what everyone has to go through in life huh? Saying the hardest goodbye over and over again, and thought you’ve been stronger, but actually, it still hurt a little bit behind every goodbye.

Yesterday, we, the food-mates in school, as usual would have been, went for lunch together, with our lecturer. We sat together, and just randomly complaint bout the weather, the syllabus, the families, the petrol and the food. Out of nowhere, something jumped into my thoughts and said that, “this wont last long, very soon, you guys would say goodbye.”

True. Very soon.

I said I wanna work in Singapore, and most of them wanted to stay in Penang. And even staying in Penang, it doesn’t mean much of not too far away. You see, my school doesn’t have long semester break, the longest could be 3-4weeks only. And this only happened just once, FOR 4 YEARS IN A ROW. Other times, we only had I think 2 or even 1 weeks of so-called semester break.

The longest time we never seen each other are the time of internship. Where its about 3 months, and we’ve got so missing each other already. Its feels like a century when I finally back to class again after the internship. Everyone feels like haven’t-been-met for centuries!

I still recall we keep chit chatting about how’s life and all during the first day. Everyone is exchanging internship stories. What if we weren’t together for more than a year? We are now classmates, sitting next to each other, just like how things were for 613. We used to swear we’d meet every 13^th June. But it only lasted for one year. The second year, there’s only few of us. At some point, people just leave without a trace. Now, those friends I had as a gang called 613, many of them are having a parallel life to mine—moving forward but will never meet. That’s just sad. I love them, I still enjoy those moments where we used to do wild things in class. Until time pushed us all forward, and we’re all lost into the sea of people. They’ve got new friends now, some still keep in contact, some are still bestest best friends, but some, they just decided to forget us and let it all fade into the wind.

As the wind blow, the memories just go further and further away, I hope they’d settle down eventually, as those are already faded memories, I don’t want them to split anymore. Just, settle down in a place time will never get you.

And now, I’m also in a class, with some friends that we’ve been so used to for 4 years. Eventually we will say goodbye, eventually we will not be so used to each others’ existence. Life always drifts people apart, because it constantly leads to new stories where new characters will be further involved. But we must never forget where we are from, where we started everything. I always fall back to the past and have a swim in the ocean of memories. That reminds me of who I am and what I wanted to be initially.

“Don’t lost your true self” they say.

“Remember” Mufasa says.

Yes. Because life is always packed of different elements, it keeps us all busy attending our current life challenges. But as you’re busy, you tend to forget what and where you wanted. Those things you desired the most when you were a pure soul should be preserved.

I wanted to be happy, to be able to sing and dance with all my friends as per in those cartoons.

Because this is the reason you started working, this is the reason why you dive into the world of fights, THIS, is why you stay strong.

Its only happy, for me. Not rich, not pretty, not hot and sexy body, not intelligent, not successful. I only wanted to be happy.

That should be easy, just keep smiling and laughing.

Thanks, dear cartoon movies. For you’ve thought me the lesson of life beautifully.

That doesn’t kills me, only makes me stronger.

I will fight like Mulan, and to be faithful like Pocahontas.

Bring it on. Lyfe!

step by step

so new background.
intensive class is intensive.
six hours straight for three days is more than enough to wear out my brain

had been miserable these few days
too many goodbyes in too little time

its like i've been waving goodbye physically but mentally, im unprepared

that night before chingu left for school, we had a short dinner
i was full-heart-ed-ly enjoying the food
until the next morning i woke up to her text of "bye-bye"
the sun shone extremely bright that morning
i rubbed my eyes a few times and scumbag brain was there saying,
"yeah, she is gone, you're all by yourself again."

that morning was ruined....
i still have that sudden-lost feeling inside of me
after all these years of saying goodbye, i can never be prepared enough

but i didn't cry this time
i just got muted for quite a long time

then this afternoon, as im taking my nap, miserable-ly
i got a call, from my bestest best friend.

i guess that helped cured a little though i couldnt explain why

i just, wished for one day in future that we aren't so apart anymore
we could really use a lot chit-chats by then

dear bestest best friend, stay strong. stay quietlyfantastic. keep smiling.

=) (like this)

i mentioned a lil just now about my intensive class. in one word, its intense.
food friends are down to a trio now. but food friends dont enjoy lunch like how we were before
lecturers love scaring shit outta us about how scary the exam is
but then, i still wanna get my attitude right
im only studying, because im interested in knowledge
to be able to "know something" should be the aim
i don't wanna be just another slave to the examination
*i don't usually study, but when i do, i study like a rock star

A lot of catching-ups are to be done for my syllabus
didnt get a satisfying academic results but i sure lived my college lives
i didnt regret it that way
even when figuring out what i had means sacrificing the good grades
im glad i've been through it. been there, done that, checked.

life's been good to me
i learn to appreciate.

guess i should now really concentrately towards the acca
"to be, or not to be, that is a question."
and my answer is yes.

the truth is, yes, i want an acca cert.
that's something i owe my mum.
i'm gonna get it, like a rock style with the quietlyfantastic style.

--------.----------

im serious.

im gonna get an acca cert,
get my head into the endless working life
and slowly building my dream of travelling the world
i will learn the native language of thank you everywhere i went
and i will learn one signature dish of that place

when im too old to move,
i will reminisce.

one by one
piece by piece

my dream is small and simple
but it means a whole life to me

gotta smile and keep the head held high!
for my dreams are too good to be untrue

"Life is like a magic performance.
You are always amazed by what others can do
until you get a chance to try your own,
you finally recognizes the hard work behind.
but the smile you get in return,
---its priceless."

wo deng zhe ni hui lai,
wo deng zhe ni hui lai~~

就這一次，我和我的倔強

因為沒有人陪了
所以我學會自己扛起自己的天空

也因為沒有人陪我哭
所以我漸漸的，不哭了

沒有刻意軟弱的理由，再累，都得撐。

過去的日子是過去了，不可能回來
光陰不會逆流，沙漏不可能倒流
青春小鳥在天空劃下美麗的分割線
把過去狠狠地拋在後頭
我雙腳像長了根似的動彈不得
知道兇猛的大浪給我一個迎頭痛擊

我知道，又要道別了。

post-CNY

i''ve planned plenty of things to write in here
but when it eventually comes down to me and my laptop
....i get distracted.
like, bed, blankets and stuffs.

well, i feel like i've been on for a long holiday
Except internship days, i've never been away from my college for more than a month
and this time, its almost two months now

most of the days i was just hanging around
nap, movies, cousin's chats, food, eat, family stories, nonsense jokes and all

chinese new year passed in a blink of eye
it does, i dont really celebrate it
for my family's tradition is to visit grandma's house in johor
and i have no friends there.
so basically, i just stayed at home, tagged along with cousins for movies
and most of the time, expecting new year to end and my dear maxis center back to operation
my sim card had this problem with the pin code or whatever on the first day of chinese new year
so most of the days i was just touching the new second-handed phone,
stare into the screen asking for PUK code and feel better
(well, it didnt work, i still feel terrible)

so then chinese new year is over,
i hopped onto days where i follow my cousin around searching for rooms in singapore
my dearest cousin, my age, searching for room and have finally found a job.
this time right now as i was typing, she is on her job for the first day
look at me, im blogging and facebooking.

duh, she is always ahead of me.
back then, she went to uni 6 months earlier than I do
simply because my penang tarc only offers may intake.
but thats good, in the 6 months where she was busy adapting and learning and all,
i met giddens, the legendary JiuBaDao and is scratching for his books

we were always busy with our own lives
im not sure is it just me or it works on everyone else,
but i realize most of my closest people tend to keep a lil bit only to ourselves
like, we don't share 100% in life but the only 100% we can offer is our sincerity
i mean, i have some very intimate and hidden and dark secrets that i probably wont tell anyone
but then, that doesn't mean im cheating
its just, i've got myself to protect

i enjoy and treasure the safe distance I have between me and everyone else
and thank god they all believed in me and never gave me a hard time on things i wouldnt like mentioning
in pinky girls drama, people always dig for secrets
urm, as a stalker i do sometimes.
but just, i think its quite a personal responsibility for you to protect what you cover
.....is it? or is it not?

so, my cousin got her first job which is the start of her salary-instead-of-pocket-money-life
and i get my start of ACCA intensive class,
which is the start of my be-super-serious-and-hardworking-or-you-shall-fail-life

and chingu got her lives in UTM as student still
just a further hostel i guess?

that's it all i have.
my friends at school likes to make me a joke which is about the people i know
they reached a grand total of 2 which is one cousin and one friend(bestest best fren)
and its all mentioned above
now one of them is in singapore, occasionally pontian
and one is in Skudai johor.
that makes me #foreveralone

but what can i say. its me who got myself this.
i like to show that pissed off face in front of unknown people
(its not like i like, it just look that way when im out of expressions)

ever heard of lady gaga's born this way.
yeap, thats me and my forever-pissed-off-face
*people, you should see how i laugh.
I laugh super easily and why I dont laugh in front of you?
YOU NO FUN!

well so. 

my school is reopening on the 20th of february

From that date onward, i expect myself to work as hard as a cow

i've been longing the working life *though i prefer study over work

but i'm kinda sick of penang and those visits to singapore raised my expectations

i like the systematic there....

and being super positive, i've been round telling people I will be there next year

i even planned with my cousins where to meet up during weekends and return pontian together

owh, by that time, i will have unlimited tah mee and char kuih treat..!!!!!

dear cousin, wait for me.

oh and chingu too, i've planned that when i work there,

we can hang out during weekends!

can have stuffs like food and food and.....MORE FOOD!

#Eating is an art of living. Not shallow.

SMILE.

gotta go. blanket call.

*teehee*

touch down

那种感觉很奇妙，几年前我们不过是勇于做梦的小屁孩儿。可以对着一望无际的天空大声喊话，可以随着喜欢的歌起舞哼唱，看见喜欢的偶像就大吼大叫，看见不喜欢的嘘声连连

在这些场景不停切换的同时，我们悄悄地长大了。时间老人默默地往前，青春小鸟划过天空，光阴沙漏规律地滴漏。车子变小了，床变得好挤，餐点变得好小份

好像被什么背叛了，我们都有过一夜成长。被纯真吗？还是成长？还是宿命？

觉得责任和负担好像违规偷偷潜进我们的生活中，也没有先问过我们，就径直在我脑袋里最显眼的地方自行落脚。

人生。

这一次我又自行逗留在外婆家。之前有小犹豫说到底要不要留下还是跟爸爸妈妈一起回槟城。可当我想到这很可能是最后一次机会时，我义无反顾了。表姐很快就要正式踏入上班族的生涯，明年的我也讲面临同样的命运。那个时候的我们不再可能有这么样的长假，真的是最后一次了，像个孩子般胡闹，每天自然姓在中午以后，甚至晚上不睡白天不醒

＂那一年我们望着星空，那么多的灿烂的梦＂-五月天

这一次，表姐陪我一起回槟城！最后一次，我们可以尽情的孩子气，最后一次我们零负担。当她自己搭飞机回外婆家，那象征我们都已下定决心走新的路，在新的路口相遇

她当她的上班族，顺便等我
我当我的大学生，努力储蓄未来的本钱

我们还有一箩筐新的梦想
亲爱的世界，我将颠覆你
亲爱的时间，我将把握你

*期待，再一次相遇

在高空，我还是那个我
不管离地心引力多么远
我不曾自我怀疑
我要成为那种激励书里家喻户晓的名字

活着，十分有意义的活着！

假如我是孔明燈

假如我是孔明燈

我會帶著別人的夢想升空

我的軀殼將承載著別人的夢想

而我也將為了別人的夢想努力的活一次

 

作為一個稱職的孔明燈

我會在大年初九，漫天煙火的黑幕緩緩的進入每個人的視線

用一貫淡定的速度劃過那些煙火

突兀卻又不衝突的和煙火融合在同一個畫面裡

人們都會看見閃爍耀眼的煙火

也有的人會注意我小小的身影

但，我身上的夢想和願望

卻只有當事人和我知道

黑暗的天空，是寒冷的

孔明燈的軀體確實高度炙熱的

就像時下的人們，冷漠的臉孔下往往是熱情的心

而更像時下人們的，是孔明燈生來就旨在實現別人的願望這個點上

我們現今的世界，好多人都學會自我保護

好多人的盔甲就像里奧納多在鐵面人裡的面具，已然是身體無法切割的一部分

因為在那些跌跌撞撞的成長過程

我們不約而同的發現，現實是很好的防空洞

只要你躲在現實裡，你就是絕對的安全

而這個動盪不安的社會，我們不再去冒險

我們都退縮在失敗面前

我們再次不約而同的選擇最萬無一失的路

把現實當成所有一切的前提

結果，我們活了別人的願望

結果，我們生來就是為別人的願望而奔波勞碌

看著滿天煙火，想一想當下的自己

其實感觸真的很多

這麼多年來，我犧牲了多少年為了別人而活

揮霍了多少年去尋找方向

消耗了多少年去跌跌撞撞

九把刀《後青春期的詩》裡提到，

---“總有一天，我們都會被這個世界完美馴服”

是的。一如孔明燈，我們將活在別人的期待裡

忙活了大半輩子，即使在一萬尺高空卻一點都不快樂

如果就這樣下去，我們會不會就漸漸遺失了冒險的勇氣

總是活在自己的安全區裡

總是不敢離開現有的軌道

然後告訴自己，腳踏實地才是王道

可，腳踏實地的實地，指的是殘酷現實的實，還是夢想實現的實？

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這些我不知道，我充其量就是個孔明燈

一個你瞬間就會遺忘的孔明燈

也許一天，也許一晚，也許更快，你會忘記你曾經告訴我的夢想

但是當我在一萬尺，十萬尺的高空，我還是背著你的夢想

有人說孔明燈一直飛一直飛

就像人類飛鴿傳書給上天一樣

當我們無助的時候，我們總會想盡各種方法來搪塞我們的焦慮

管用與否，但求心安，即為知足，聊表安慰

作為一個孔明燈，我也只能在這個我們樂此不疲的自我忽悠的世界裡

安靜的扮演我的角色，也許有些底牌，真的還是不掀開的好

有的幸福，是單純地相信

什麼都知道的人不會快樂，

要快樂，必須是什麼都不知道

或是，裝作什麼都不知道

××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

有時候，我覺得自己和等一個人咖啡的思螢一樣：

“人生的脖子很長”

------------------------------------總是在引頸期盼

思螢等澤宇，等到了卻又要等阿拓

我等的，是自己的沉澱，是自己動盪裡的安穩

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

“那年的煙花，其實是在你臉上”--九把刀

《這些年，二哥哥很想你》，九把刀，毛毛狗

今天晚上，我近距離看那些煙花

我本不愛煙花，奈何，

當你的心頭有一種特殊的糾結。。。。。。。

Rules underneath

i was told yesterday bout a too-cruel-to-be-told-truth

it helped me realize that, no matter how strong you think you are,

there is always one person that is ahead of you

regardless of whether that one person is of any ability that worth the position

if it was me in the case of my friend's,

it would have been a week of nightmares for me.

no doubt its gonna be bothering

just, when i eventually let go, i think i'd swear so hard that,

it carves a scar on the back of my mind

well, we all knew, that there will never be fair

but when it comes so close to me, 

i realize im not prepared enough for it.

i still wished i could magically has the power to act for justice

i still wished, i had the ability to do it right all over again

i still wished, that if only i could reveal the truth and save the day like a superhero

but no i couldnt

nothing of the above-mentioned that i'm able and daring enough to do

i did nothing but sending "wtfffff" among friends

its the primary form of unfair and it get us all so mad

remember how they say that in real life, its never gonna be fair?

yea, we all knew that ain't we?

but when it gets real close,

you get to see the unfairness with your naked eyes

and to feel the helplessness flowing along your blood stream

your emotion is bursting flame, but you couldn't do a thing.

that's what we say, "The worst feeling in the world"

unfortunately, there's more to come

#adapt

but i still wish for #superhero ......

#superhero

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