The story goes this way:

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We are all so alike yet we are totally different.
人生苦短何必念念不忘

Friday 12 December 2014

what would you like for the sides

It has been something kind of funny for the weekend right back

I have mentioned about this friend of mine a few times now, but she hardly gets any grand opening.
Aaaannndddd, she is not gonna get it this time.
Considering our friendship totally developed out of the blue, and I have zero interest in faking a ‘she-is-destined-to-be-my-friend’ story

But seriously, it was weird. Even my food friends would wonder, ‘How come you both kept in contact out of everybody else’

Told’ya, weird.

Probably we shared some interests that don’t really work in other group of friends?
Interests like reading, blogging.... those wordy-nerdy stuffs?

To me, one who read should be the last person to be declared nerd.
But oh well, who am I to say anything?

So yeap,this friend, she has this interest too.
She is the one whom I would share most of my after-read thoughts to
Like, those stuffs that I’m really into, those ancient chinese, those china-critics and things like that

Not like she is interested too, but well, we sort of are the kind of people that,
We tend to be interested in whatever we don’t know...

If I’m not mistaken, she has been real deep in the self-enrichment kind of books.
Not my first choice, but I do enjoy listening the summarized version of hers...
And also, sometimes we would suggest some books we thought the other might be interested in

Okay, that’s all
I shall stop here.
Suddenly, I decided to pronounce her book friend.
And i thought that is quite an idea.

So this book friend of mine, she randomly texted me on a morning, last Friday.
I was caught in my usual morning let-me-sleep-another-five-minutes-and-rush-my-ass-off-later routine
She told me she is taking a day off her work and want to spend some good time thinking about herself.

I replied that this is a good idea. (while personally cursing the coward leekahinn wtf why we dont have)

Apparently, I thought I would have to work on that Saturday too.

So then I was at work, manager reviewed my work on the spot,
Everything was so normal.

And then I receive a text from my book friend;

‘I’m in melaka now, see you later?’

I glanced through the screen real quick, brain-lagged for a moment or two

‘damn leekahinn, lets go’
‘eh don’t gila la, we need to work tomorrow la’
‘okay, if we’re not working, we go!’
‘but i need to draft account somemore’
‘NO BUT’
‘spending a sleep weekend in pontian sounds nice too’
‘THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU DID ALL THESE PASSED MONTHS’
‘but we have to drive all the way....’
‘DUDE PROVE TO ME THAT YOU ARE STILL CAPABLE TO GO UNPLANNED’

....and that is a killer thing to say to me....

So my reply,

‘okay, if I not working tomorrow, i will go’

*******************************************

Call me childish, or whatever, I do think its important for me to prove to myself I am still the one who would grab my phone and purse, hop on the car, and leave for anywhere...

So important.

************************************
So book friend.

I finally reached the motel she lived around 12 am

The name is ‘Motel Sayang-sayang’
I purposely wrote it down, because i want the future leekahinn to remember,
Being a manly man like her, once lived in a motel named ‘sayang-sayang’..

Yes pal, we lived in a hotel with such a name.
A hotel painted in pale yellow and white, and some stick-man couple wall stickers.
Well, on the bright side, its not the pinky kitty one.

But it should be quite a new hotel. Very clean on the inside. But the outlook..erm...normal.

She greeted me with 2 popiah, and a LOOK on my blanket.
Urm, ya, we brought our blanket too..
Dear future me reading this, we/I, love that blanket. So love.

*************************

We had our time chatting a little bit, trying to sort out what to do on Saturday

She sent me a picture on Friday afternoon, there is this cafe stuffed with books and looking all hipster
And i am very interested with the collection of books they’ve got

That is probably the only intinery we had in mind

*******************************

Waking up on Saturday morning was really awesome
I took a quick shower and stay by the window, just looking at people passing by
While digesting the fact that im in freaking melaka

Damn the last time i was here, it should be sometime during 12-year-old.
In short, I WAS STILL A YOUNG BOY

Then time flies, they got the legendary Jonker street and all sort of themed cafe

While i was driving off the highway into the city, the places around me resembles a lot of my memories about Ipoh...
When I am in the city, the narrow streets and old houses resemble the heritage sense of penang

In short, I think melaka is a Frappucino of Ipoh & Penang.


*****************************

We had a tourist walk around melaka on the day,  a quick rest and the stuffed-with-books cafe, and the legendary jonker walk pasar malam..
I had this mega spicy sze chuan noodle, and saw my manager
The manager whom I have to submit a file to on monday

But none of those spoilt the mood

She then brought me to a place right beside a river
We had good time drinking and talking

I thought of writing down whatever we have talked, but maybe not now,
Everything just scatter around my mind, refusing to settle down.

It was a really enjoyable time, probably the easiest 4 hours i have had

Sitting by the river, sipping cold beer, and talk anything out of nowhere...

I realize I do need this...
I do need this from time to time, where I am just leekahinn and nothing else
No deadlines, no anyone to report to, no nothing that can hold me back

At some point when i was talking, i thought i was gonna cry
Just too much feelings in me that is coming out

Then I looked up to the sky, the moon is right above me

I said to myself,

Don’t cry on the best nights for months. Don’t.
We will cry some other day.

We laughed a lot, cheers,
And this ladyboss from the shop said to us,
‘its good to see you old schoolmates coming together again! Hold on to moment like this, it wasn’t easy’

We are at the same stage of life right now, struggling for more
But who knows, some day in the future we gotta move on,
Could be both of us at the same time, or just one of us

But in this big big world, to run into someone like this,
To make such a friend,

I thank god for these.

Sincerely, thanks.

My job sucks, but my life is pretty awesome.

*********

Side effects of short-but-great runaways, it was too short, that you wanna go back for more...
It was too great, that you learn you could have been so much happier than you are at life...

I’m having this post-have-fun syndrome

And one of the symptoms for that is ‘desperation’...

I think I wanna sell stuffs at melaka pasar malam...

Desperate lehhh











laughters

Good day.
Hope this email finds you well.
Aaaaannnnnddd, I’m out of my mind.
Hey you, its been long since I last came.
What happened to the leekahinn who always comment on her life? I wonder
Oh ya right, she is busy going through the bumpy road ahead

I didn’t want anything that is bad to be in my memory bank… you know, like how they only keep the gold in the vault, have you ever seen anyone who keep shit in the vault? No one keep shit in the vault….

But I think different now. Probably because bad days are all I have now.
If I ignore these bad days, I ain’t got nothing left.

It’s not like it’s all terrible horrible and vegetable
I made friends here. Like real friends in life that I care for. Like real friends that I’d like to know what happened to them 10 years from now.

I have friends. I have friends who feel just as uneasy as I did.

There is this day, where I was super smashed down by the day. And as usual, I was there on the messenger with the friends. We were exchanging those things about our days, and I guess I sounded really bumped. At one point, she actually says ‘Let’s go for dinner to make you feel better. The dinner will be real good.”

I never tell, but it was a really nice move.
I never have much friend.





失去的都是人生

我在上海天气晴!

上海是我非常梦寐以求的地方之一
我很喜欢那种模糊了国度的地方,纽约啦上海啦
是那种你走在大街上,形形色色的人都有
你觉得你在上海吧,旁边立马经过俩东北爷们呼噜哈拉
你觉得你在北京吧,可嘴里吃着四川麻辣面
你觉得你在美国吧,一对英国夫妇拦下你问路
你觉得你在新加坡吧,一个黑人晃头晃脑的戴着大耳机坐在边上
你觉得你在非洲吧,沟渠里潺潺而流的剩饭剩菜让你觉得特别恶心

就是那种,整个世界浓缩到一起的感觉

那是一个充满可能性的世界

我喜欢充满可能性的感觉

我最近常常想起小时候妈妈老骂我三分钟热度
喜欢的娃娃过几天就丢一旁
喜欢的故事书还没看过马上就没了兴趣还弄丢了

我始终还是这个样子
一个地方呆久了我就迫不及待的想离开
这到底是好事还坏事我越来越分不清楚

***********************************************

啊!又是在上海的一天
夜上海 夜上海 ~~~是个不夜城 华灯下 车声响 歌舞~~~~~升平~~

呼吸着上海的空气,能写多少就写多少
我常常在生活的缝隙中觉得自己真他妈的太幸运了
觉得自己所拥有的很多都是侥幸,啊!失去的都是人生




well. Apparently

I thought of the time after the protest.
We went and say goodbye to Jorge Ally and others. Forgive I only remember names of these 2.
Sarah came up and told us Nelson went back to his family, and that he asked her to pass this to me:
“You are a badass.”

I was stunt. Never expected that on my face I guess?

I must have looked so very lost, Sarah further stressing “It’s a compliment! Means he thinks you’re really awesome.”

Until today, thinking of that makes me happy.. I never have much compliments growing up.
And definitely not this “you’re sucha badass!!” kind

Honestly? I am flattered.

I wonder what people would think if they see the protesting girl now working another overtime heavy job

There is always a song that goes round my head from time to time,
It was a hit few years back and it just got stuck
Its goes like this: “SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD IS GONNA RULE ME”
I don’t even remember the next sentence but apparently (hey Noah!) I am




第三个傻瓜

不是这个世界变得实际,而是我们为这个世界贴上了各式各样的价钱

我们活在一个信仰里
我们相信没有钱万万不能
我们不再依赖我们自己的能力

我们把世界物质化

24岁赚到第一桶金的人是成功典范
30岁还没车没房的人是不思进取
40岁名利双收是做人的基本需求
50岁含饴弄孙环游世界是终极目标

我们急不及待的想走到生命的最后一个阶段

有一句话说,‘你永远只能比别人多活80多岁的那些年,每个人都只有等值的20多岁那些年’

这句话影响我很深

我们的时代是美丽的,是斑斓夺目的
世界的繁荣科技的进步让我们减少了庸庸碌碌,也让我们有了闲暇的世界好好的看这个世界
至少,这是上个世界对我们这个年代的幻想

回想昨天中午,你走出办公大楼到对面的小贩摊子打包午餐
天气很热,你在等着过马路时仿佛感觉的你的皮肤开始伸出点点滴滴的汗水
身边的同事三三俩俩的按手机或聊工作
你也掏出手机打开面子书刷墙
红灯转绿,你快步跟上走在人群最后头的同事
小贩摊子前全部都是西装笔挺的上班族,每个人的胸口是不一样的员工证件挂在五颜六色的挂带上
你习惯性点了自己的例牌餐点,犹豫是要喝咖啡还是凉茶
拿着饭盒排队,时不时有人穿插在你身边
狭隘的走道旁就是大马路,扬起灰尘呼噜哈拉的

这,就是每一个人的中午
漫无目的,软弱无力

有人说,你如果念书的时候没有为将来打算,那你连转折点都输掉了
有些人觉得自己的人生是计算精细的方程式,不允许丝毫的误差,没有除非,比如陈孝正
有些人觉得自己的人生是往隧道尽头微弱的灯光奋力的奔跑,总是那么充满干劲,比如陶复邦



很多人的一生都在扮演

很多人的一生都在扮演。但其实扮演和真实的差别在哪里呢?

举个例子,你有没有听过这样的一句话:
“我是一个学生,我的责任是考第一名”
“我是一个老师,我的责任是让学生考上好学校”

很多人都被‘绩效指标’四个大字压得失了方向,没了头绪。
静下心来,回溯到学生这个身份的最初
这个身份一开始是课堂上涉世未深却对这个世界跃跃欲试的人
老师呢?老师是一个和蔼的,见过世界的,循循善诱的人
为什么说和蔼?学生当中个性千百种,为人师表你不多点包容能行吗?
为什么见过世界?那一群等着大展拳脚的人,你自己没点儿底气能行吗?
为什么循循善诱?一个还没有被世界驯服的人,她身上那股单纯的冲劲,你不多点耐心把这个世界的现实能行吗?

时间往前推进,我们看见了一群学生当中总有成就比较突出的
当第二群人来找老师的时候,我们都想找那个手上有最棒的学生的
当第三群人来找老师的时候,老师都想证明自己手上的学生都是最棒的

这样的现象演变成,学生每天跟自己说要找到最好的老师让自己最接近成功。选了好的老师就像天注定的三分已经在手上,只剩下靠打拼的那七分自己好好加油
老师则每天跟自己说,我要把我所知道的一切都传授出去,广撒网多捞鱼,成的人多了传说就成了!

时间还在往前,当第七六八九二十五七群人来找老师的时候,就是我们眼前的样子

双方都在衡名度利的评估对方,

阿嬷

说什么王权富贵,怕什么戒律清规
只愿天长地久,与我意中人儿紧相随

前几天,我阿嬷住院了
有记忆以来,我阿嬷就像家里的掌门人
阿公很少发言,可能家里基本也没什么大事,所以一概都是阿嬷在发声
所以有一种很深刻的印象就是阿嬷永远在家里,家里永远有阿嬷

近几年,阿嬷的身子弱了
我只是知道阿嬷开始需要吃各种药,开始去哪儿都搀着外套,开始在步行间歇息
第一次意识到阿嬷弱了,是有一年的新年大合照
以前,阿嬷和阿公会坐在照片的正中间,意气风发抬头挺胸
他们会坐的很正,背直挺挺的,偶尔会让表弟表妹坐在他们脚上

阿公生命的后期,他的坐姿变成一种陷下去的无力感
他总是靠着沙发,漠然的,眼神里也不再有闪闪发光的神采
好似他就这么坐着,也不管是谁在跟他合照,谁在他身边不安分的搔首弄姿

那年新年,阿嬷坐在叔叔和我爸中间
两个中年大叔一瞬间就把阿嬷的瘦小衬出来表露无遗
他们俩侧坐着,一手撑在大腿上,一手就这么闲搁着
阿嬷端正的靠着沙发,双手互握放在并拢的双腿之上
阿嬷的眼神好似透着一丝丝的努力,总觉得她努力地呈现自己最好的一面
我看着那张照片,第一次郑重地对自己说,嗯阿嬷真的老了

上星期要回槟城在候机室的时候
空荡荡的机场让我幻想勾勒阿嬷的一生
阿嬷生于唐山,尔后一家人搬到香港最后再到台湾,最最后嫁来马来西亚
阿嬷说,她曾经也有很多来说姻缘的对象,但她就还是嫁给了没背景只有背影儿的我阿公
而且还离家那么远
阿嬷说,还是待嫁闺女的时候,她从来不需要做家务,家里有嫂嫂负责操持。而阿嬷负责吃喝玩乐。怎知道嫁给阿公的第一天,她连饭都不会煮,时不时去翻动那锅饭,结果反正就是很糊弄的弄了一桌。貌似阿公还真认真的吃了的样子。

因为阿嬷繁复的地理背景,从小我就习惯阿嬷自己出国这件事
去台湾,去菲律宾,去美国
我上回从美国回来,阿嬷指着我的照片说,‘这个是大峡谷,我去过,搁有旧金山’
阿嬷的娘家在台湾,所以阿嬷一年总会回个一两次
通常是两个礼拜,然后回来总有我最爱的roti kek和绿豆糕
哦很好吃!
还有以前飞机餐的餐具,噢我们家有好多套!

那天我在候机室,我想象着阿嬷每一次搭飞机的心情
我阿嬷其实算是会把心事独吞的人
有可能她觉得说出来我们这些后生晚辈也只会噢噢噢噢
有可能他觉得不知道要说给谁听
有可能她只是不想说
有一万种可能

但每回我看见阿嬷坐在客厅的长辈座位,一手香烟一手撑头,苦苦思索的样子
我都觉得鼻头一酸,阿嬷活了那么多年,实在太多经历
要想放下真的很难

当阿嬷拖着行李坐在候机室里,茫然的等着起飞降落,她会是什么心情?
你知道吗,我阿嬷那么频繁的出国,我却从来没有和阿嬷搭过同一班飞机
我不知道她会不会在机上发呆,我不知道她是快降落的时候才上厕所还是一上机就上厕所
我不知道,所以我只能想像

在候机室的阿嬷不会按手机刷IPAD,她应该就是默默的坐着
对四周散发一种‘唉哟,飞机快点来’的那种气场
她也许也会像我这样,不时回想自己过去种种
想她动荡不安的童年
想她敢怒敢言的少年
想她活蹦乱跳的青年
想她相夫教子的中年
想她时过境迁的老年

我妈说,阿嬷念中学的时候,很固执的转了好几次学校
原因是因为阿嬷要穿裤子上学,非得转到一间同意这条件的学校才肯罢休
我没有跟阿嬷求证过这事儿,但以阿嬷的脾气来看,不无可能,甚至说是一种自然而然也不为过

阿嬷还说她年轻的时候去过夜总会,好似她舅还她叔带她们去的
她还说我们现在当下小年轻的消遣在她眼里只是小儿科
我想说,嗯实在,我不是混夜总会的料。我勒个去,我也觉得如果我把雪柔她们带去夜总会,姐姐们会杀了我拿去喂鸡再把鸡杀了拿去喂猪再把猪杀了拿去诅咒我永不超生

 上了大学,出了社会,周遭的人群多了以后,我才意识到原来阿嬷的存在不是必然的
从小,我家是双薪家庭,一日三餐都是阿嬷给我做的
阿嬷很坚持午餐和晚餐非得要有一碗汤,一人一碗然后桌上还有一大碗身后还有一大锅那种
我和我哥都很烦喝那碗汤,就很不喜欢,总是想尽办法喝最小碗的
现在想来,也许真就是一种叛逆,不愿服从的心态使然
后来上大学,自己煲汤,看着锅里混浊不堪漂浮着猪肉渣滓的所谓汤
我才知道阿嬷的汤,下的,是心思
把肉入水滚过一轮,再把渣滓捞起来才下汤料,那是阿嬷领着我在厨房教出来的
那时阿嬷说,“你就要自己去念书了,得自己学做菜,出到外面不求人,自己做!”

出了社会,有一回同事带我去吃饭,说那里的汤很好喝,很够味
我原本不以为然,结果那碗漂浮着各式肉碎的不明液体让我一瞬间灵魂出窍,穿越回到放学后回家在特别热的厨房掀开阿嬷的汤,热气熏得眼镜片迷迷蒙蒙的。锅里清澈的汤水,默默地包围着白萝卜和排骨。

阿嬷煲过蛮多汤,我记得最受欢迎的是馄饨汤
要一颗一颗馄饨的包,而且要包特别多,我和我哥一个人吃上十几颗都是转眼间的事儿
实在太多工了吧,阿嬷已经好多年都没煲馄饨汤了
记忆中,最被唾弃的要数苦瓜汤
卧槽,谁要再跟我打什么包票说苦瓜不苦我肯定把他皮活生生剥下来!骗我一回也就算了,骗我骗了几十年!都他妈跨世纪的谎言了还骗!我操,纯真的吃货你!伤!不!起!

具体的说,有阿嬷和没有阿嬷的家庭好似没有什么差别
但我常常觉得,阿嬷对我影响至深

自从阿嬷进医院以来,我都在跟老天爷说
你总会把阿嬷带走,但我希望你能够用最温柔的速度,给阿嬷一个机会把该放下的放下
阿嬷有太多回忆太多牵肠挂肚,我希望阿嬷可以微笑着去找阿公然后在那里等我们

我们都会离开,我只能希望,我们可以按部就班,不疾不徐的走上那条路


断不了心中那座桥

我最近迷上了酷我那些千奇百怪的歌单,当然主要是因为办公室的网路特别快,特别适合下载

真的已经太久没有来到这里敲敲打打,日子凑合着快乐快乐的也就过了
十一月了,上海入冬
我以为自己终于可以裹在厚厚的棉衣里头,手持星巴克笨重的横冲过上海的街头
但我没有

我终于去看了我十分着迷的上海天际线
南京东路站,走个五分钟会到和平饭店,仰头一看就会看到东方明珠塔耸立在对岸
我深呼吸,再深呼吸,觉得自己开心得都忘了怎么呼吸
那个感觉就是我第一次从帝国大厦看到夕阳的感觉
也是我第一次走上布鲁克林大桥,回头看见曼哈顿那一片星光闪闪的样子
还有爬上夏威夷那个我忘了什么名字的山,从上往下看见蔚蓝的海浪徐徐的覆盖海湾再褪去,然后重复

每一次,都风很大
我太喜欢那种冷冷的风掠过我咧开的嘴的感觉
那个时候,觉得自己是最纯粹的
一个除了快乐以外,什么都没有的时候

嗯我的人生又迎来第二个冬天,但这次我就不奉陪了
下星期我就回马来西亚了,冬天掰掰
九月份第一次到上海松江过后我已经马不停蹄的四处奔波了好几个月
松江,巴生,嘉定,貌似过后还要去吉隆坡

世界真的好大啊

永远永远都走不完





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