i need to stop being so sensitive
im not some pinkish girlish bitches who get hurt when their puppy refuse to talk to them
im much stronger
i need to really understanding "let it be",
let it be. whenever i complaint, people i love keep telling me this.
could it be a sign?
i dont know. i have a lot of confusion,
though i dont really sound like that
but trust me, inside of my skull, its a mess,
like a ball of thread invaded by a fat house cat,
HUGE mess.
but maybe that happens to everybody too?
some part of me, wanted so badly for me to move on
some part of me, wasnt really ready for the goodbyes
some part of me, still lived in the past
some part of me, prefers to linger on like that...forever?
i dont know. i think i need a therapist.
if only i can donate personality, i would have been a famous charity-person
like, I've got so much extras!
those alone and quiet moments, i even hear them fighting over each other inside of me
and they just happen to switch between each other so rapidly
one moment im like this and the next moment, im totally on the opposite
im thinking what if one day my personality change again and that is the last change
and i just so happen to have a fixed personality
what would i feel, glad? eventually? or, i just wouldnt notice it?
today i visited grandpa in the graveyard.
its been 9 years since he's been gone, into the wind.
i was a stupid form 1 girl when he left
ignorance, rebellious, mainly stupid.
now, im 22, still stupid.
i must say we weren't close.
but my grandpa is like the typical traditional man would be
he would just drive to a nasi-kandar and make me order food
when he thinks i should be hungry
like, he dont ask around if you're good and all
but you know, he does care.
if i could reverse the time,
i'd go back to when he's alive, and talk to him.
like, try to understand more of him
sometimes i look into his photo, feeling like so far yet so close.
i stayed with my grandparents ever since i was little
they fetch my bro n i to kindergarten and make sure we have proper lunch when we're home
and while my parents are working, they make sure we nap in the afternoon
and most of the time, nag us to m.sure our homeworks are done before my mum is home
for 9 years, my grandma has been alone.
though she still has friends and all,
i can never forget when she broke down and cry during her sister my yeepo's wedding
when she cried, i was right in front of her.
i stood as those aunties held her and comfort her
all i did, was standing right there, carving the scene in my mind
what is the feeling of people leaving you eternally one by one?
its like you've seen the end of you, but dont know how and when.
and it doesnt hurt you that you'd eventually leave,
its the fact that you'd not be in any part of others lives anymore
when its reunion dinner, you are not there to m.sure everyone is fed
when the family members are in trouble, you are not there to listen, not to mention help
when you are only an immovable ancestral plate paced in a corner
when your grandkids are here, you cant touch them
and you have the fear that the memory of you in them will eventually fade.
yes. thats what i picture getting old would feel like
for every single second in your life, you'd feel like you're running out of time
dear grandpa in the sky,
every time i watch lion king movie i'd think of you
you said we should always have our generations better than the previous ones
i guess, as a man that traveled all the way from china to malaysia at the age of 14 to earn a living,
thats the best legacy or inheritance you can left for us.
that depicts your dreams.
what were you thinking when you're on the way coming to malaysia at the age of 14?
to have a better future? to eventually be successful and return?
if i were to return to my childhood with the kind of thoughts i have right now,
i'd be a busy person, because there's so much missed-outs that i'd like to correct.
grandpa, thanks for holding up the family. dad took his turn, now, ours are bout to start.
i cant promise you a better generation or what,
but just, i will make you proud. for i will never forget who i am and how i got where i might be.
i will always, remember you. the start of the family and all those entailing stories.
i miss you. i love you.
good night grandpa.
"what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, stands a lil' taller,
it dosent mean im lonely when im alone
What doesnt kill you make a fire, put that thing on lighter"
--stronger, Kelly clarkson
