soon enough
chingulin is leaving her nightmare in UTM for good
she thanked me for leaving her some good memory during her final stay in UTM
I thanked her for giving me a window to breath during my disastrous job search
somehow, I think that this time I say goodbye to her,
I don't know when will we see each other again
when everything fade into absolute silence,
I wonder why do I always everyone behind me.
at times, I wonder if what I have been searching is within those I have left behind
there is a folder in my memory
in it lies all those images of my beloved people waving to me
When I am tired of looking forward, tired of running towards the future,
I stood aside and look back in time
of those time that is scatter along my memory lane
I realize I have chosen the path to be lonely all along
of those time that I blindly live without much thinking
I realize I have been used to be a lonely fighter
of this life, I have been sub-consciously decided that I should be just me and nothing more.
ChinguLin left three years ago, for her studies miles away in this very UTM
ChinguYen left three years ago, for her studies countries away in that very Manchester
I stayed in Penang.
Nostalgically reminisce into good old days while I weep in the memories
Now, ChinguLin is done of what she has to and she is returning home.
Now, ChinguYen finished her searching and is returning for new searches.
I left Penang.
Stranded in a land trying hard for a dream comes true while I still weep in my memories.
I think I lived my life fearlessly
I had times of fear, and I had times of adventure.
"Its the heart afraid of breaking, that never learn to dance." - The Rose, Bette Midler
It began to sound really weak when I say I am afraid of loneliness.
People I loved always asked,
"Why can't you stay?"
and I always thought that is because I have a soul who yearns for adventure
because I have a soul who refused to stay put
because I have a soul who never feel satisfied
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" - Helen Keller
I believed in that, strongly
and stubbornly believe life should be a fuckin damn bungee jump cum roller coaster ride
Live life dangerously, I would say.
Do I, really?
Or is it I am the coward who have lived enough of people leaving,
that I decided to leave first?
I somehow know I am a jerk in terms of friends.
I always know I could have done more for my friend
Yet, I didn't.
All this friendships I cherish right now,
I have done the least and these friends are the one who have tried hard to keep me
If you ever ask, no, I don't think I worth any of the efforts of my friends
They just simply took me in as friend even when I am hesitating...
I am a jerk, I deserve nothing.
to be honest, I think I deserve a lonely life where I die alone.
and sometimes, because of these people,
I tried to live my life with extra care.
People made effort to keep me, the least I could do now is to at least be a nice friend that worth the love of friendship.
I am scared of losing my friends, but I don't know what I can do.
Friendship isn't shopping, you pay and you get what you want.
Love itself, isn't a transaction.
Instead, they are eternal commitment that requires constant input.
I am lucky, because a jerk like me deserve no love and friend
but I end up with much love from family and friends
Compared to most people of my age, I have much fewer friends.
But I would proudly say, that all of these people I call friends, they are true-hearted and accepted me the way I actually am
They have seen the worst of me, and have gave me friendship during my darkest days
I appreciate that. Thank you god.
Thank you my fearless friend for putting your faith in me.
How many people have fellows that walk down the memory lane with them sharing stories of the same scene?
How many people have a number to call to when they are so down they would die of hopeless-ness?
I don't know how many of them, but I am one of them.
"How is your life?"
"Full of awesome lovely people"
I thought I wanted to leave because I want to see the world
I thought, I am prepared to fight a life of lonesome
I thought, I would smile when I misses my friends.
I did smile, beneath my cry every single time I miss my friends.
Cry because I am too far away for a hug,
Smile because I have all of them on that one softest spot of my memory in my heart.
*ChinguLin
*ChinguYen
*Jo
*NAP
*Van
My friend, if any of you ever see this,
please know that I love you and I am ever thankful that you have me as a friend.
Years ago, I used to visit sanjie right here in UTM Johor.
Years later, I am visiting chingulin right here in UTM Johor.
Both whom I am very closed to.
We were out to some ayam penyet place for dinner
and then we went the legendary taman U jusco
it brought back so much memories.
back then, Sanjie used to have a friend working in Dunkin's Donuts
He would bring home the leftovers where I can have as supper
those days, Sanjie's friends would treat like lil' sister
and bring me all kind of food
I guess, that was the first time ever I know what a university life is like.
When I was a kid.
and now, I am 23. Barely a kid, at least barely expected to be.
No one comes around and say, "oh xiao mei mei, ni xiang chi somok?"
I have my own friends now
I have a lot of things to my own now
my own bills, my own worries, my own ice cream, my own handphone, my own...life.
Have you ever think about that one moment when you are officially granted the right over your life?
I do.
Especially times like now, where I am too free for nothing.
those days, we are structured to share everything with the siblings
those days, we are in huge desperation for something solely owned by ourselves
those days, I never expected loneliness
Just those days, huh.
If I put point A on those days, and I out point B on this exact point right now
what a god damn life I have been through eh
a long distance i have traveled
a complicated bunch of feelings I have felt
Here I am
stranded on the beach being one of the "candidates for a vacancy"
How should I feel? Like Finally?
I always think back to those days when I was eager to grow up and live on my own
those times, I have yet to learn a hard goodbye
those times, the worst goodbyes are the ones i said as i leave pontian
but now, I have had a lot of hard goodbyes.
I am sick of having hard goodbyes
but then, I am the one who never hesitate for a tiny bit to leave
I guess, most people thought saying goodbye is easy for me
Well, ya.
I feel sorry to my parents sometimes.
When I am dragging my luggage, and caught a glimpse of them waving hands
it has reached the time aint it?
the time where my parents no longer leads me
the time where i have to find my own direction
Before doing things, I sometimes mention this to myself, "Be a 23"
Ever since mayday's concert, I know something in me has ended
regardless of my approval, something has ended
Something in me has burst into the sky along with the stunning fireworks during the concert
Something, that I will never get back for the rest of my life
my past.
and its all behind me now.
I have never felt so alone before.
The previous leekahinns have all left.
the 17-year-old, the 18-year-old, the 19, the 20, 21, 22
I felt like I have done what they wanted
its good to feel accomplished over my past
but it sucks to feel lonely
Waking up in the morning, feeling the fear of having a blank to-do-list
i helplessly cry in my dreams and through my shower
Did I lose my courage to dream big?
After everything I have been through, and what have I become?
This could be just the usual anxiety people have during jobsearch
and here I am, magnifying it again, and push myself into the dead well of hope
It feels like everything around me is wonderful except me
2am in the morning
and I'm here with my emotions and shit
with chingulin and her coursemate sleeping beside me
At some point of life, try to step out
and you will realize how random you are to be where you are
and randomly,
I think I should watch some comedy now
