The story goes this way:

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We are all so alike yet we are totally different.
人生苦短何必念念不忘

Tuesday 29 September 2009

如果不是从头到尾由自己去寻找的话,是找不出让自己满意的答案的,对吧?

我又要开学了。

我读着以前的部落格,因为我无聊。

我一直很怕我会不知不觉地被这个世界驯服。我亦步亦趋的,走着最安全的步伐。

我极其渴望别人的肯定,我总是,依赖着别人的肯定。

极其渴望别人的肯定,我总是,依赖着别人的肯定。


那些不被肯定的,我强制性的遗忘,强制性自我欺骗式的遗忘。我的中学生涯,在刚刚踏入中一时,很漫长,长得似乎没有结束的一天。我不是那种从小就胸怀大志一心一意知道自己未来要干什么的人。我就很平凡,会以为自己很强,以为自己就是那种万众选一的旷世奇才,以为自己不是不会读书,只是比较适合拯救世界。

放屁!干它妈哇呖咧的靠夭放狗屁!

就像颖如所说的,我一直都它奶奶的一。再。重。复。活着别人的人生!!

我念的,是全世界最普遍的科系。

我上的,是全国最便宜的学院。

我想,我之所以这么讨厌我班上的同学,可能是因为我去上课前,一直都很不满意这所学院。他无法让我很骄傲的说,嘿!我是那里的学生!。大家对它的普遍印象就是一所烂学校,很好,进去后的一切,不停的在给我它妈的验证这句话!我能怎么样?我只能在那里扮得自己很像很清高,清高的全校只有几个人配当我的朋友。我的妈!我根本就是gossip girl中毒。这一切,再再地反映了我的无能,懦弱,胆小,怕事。我以为我在做自己,呸!去他的疯狂妄想!

我只是千方百计地在掩饰我没有朋友这个简单的事实!

我只是怕没朋友会让我丢脸,索性就卯起来说我不需要那种人当朋友。

他妈的!我就纯粹只是死要面子!

在那个大家都在讲华语的环境,我开始用英文写post。那样子的我,我个人以为就是出众。而现在的我,才了解到,需要费尽心思才能够出众的人,充其量只是个想太多的平凡人。

真是讽刺!活了很久,还要写这么一篇文章来自我忏悔。

人类啊!干得最出色的一件事果然是找借口没错!

这几天,我突然很累。累得莫名其妙,舍不得睡觉,舍不得醒来,通通因为心里一直有一个阴霾挥之不去,我以为是累。。但真的是累,不过是找借口找得很累的累。我悲哀的人生啊!我花了许许多多本来可以很棒的时间,把自己弄得看起来很不错。结果,我变成现在这个很可怜,很悲哀,很无奈,很。。。。没有存在的意义的人。

一个人静下来,省思着自己过去种种愚昧不堪的举动。我恨不得时光真地为我倒流一次。我干了很多蠢事,说了很多蠢话。我并没有如自己的愿般长大了,我只是,变得更加怕输了。因为怕输,我不停的又干了很多蠢事。。。

仅凭模棱两可的态度是改变不了命运的。 我就是一直以为自己都长大了,一直很不确定自己要什么,却装得很镇定,还哇呖咧去安慰别人。屁!从来就没有真的成功安慰一个人过,因为,一个连自己都搞不好的人,是不会有安慰别人的能力的。


我记得,我每次要开学前,都会发誓许愿,什么加油!打拼!努力!奋斗!这些恶心吧啦的话,我却说得像呼吸那么自然!靠!成天把努力挂在嘴边的人通常是不会努力的!果然,每次考试前,我都会不厌其烦的重复教授怎么不会教,课怎么无聊法,别人怎么失败法。。一切的一切,只是为了让我自我安慰一番,装出那副“读不好不是我的错!不管我事!都是老师不会教,课程太赶,同学一直干扰我!”的鸟样子!靠夭!做人要干脆一点!爽快的认自己就是失败,无能,笨!那可省了多少苦苦思索美丽词汇的时间!

我装的累了,烦了,终于肯承认自己失败了。我想起曾经的一部戏里,有个孩子惹了祸,被认威胁,做爸爸的本来想帮他用钱解决,但却被对方打了一顿,连眼睛也打烂了。孩子很着急,他问爸爸,爸爸!现在怎么办?!。。。爸爸,吞了吞口水,摸不着眼镜,淡淡地说,

我不知道。。我连前面的路,也看不到了。

所谓人生的恶作剧,有时是很残酷的。有些局面,不容许叉错脚。有人说过,过去的回忆美在不会回来。但如果过去的回忆本身是不美的,我们也没办法往后一跨,把他抹掉。所以,像我这种失败者开始上瘾似的逃避。

人每当遇事不顺时,就开始为自己找理由。
情形,时机,天气,运势,依靠种种借口来安慰自己。
心想不该是这样的,好想重新来过
重新来过就真的能万事如意吗?
重新来过就能化解最初的不尽人意,这样的自信到底从何而来?

昨天已经一个大跨步往我们的后面褪去,明天还等着我们张开双手拥抱它,过往的教训鞭笞着我们向前,但脑海里那温柔的一块,却不停的要我们回头望。。。所以我驻足了许久。。。。

心酸的回忆是人生的必需品。
嘴上说的再漂亮,若不能冲出自己施加的束缚,终归是痴人说梦。
我不要自己再迷茫下去了,不要自己轻易被别人左右。
不这样的话,只会永远停留在原点。


yea! i know i'm ugly & disrespectful to myself.....

and i don't feel like giving a god damn shit bout it!!!!!!!

i'm toot tired for that!


Monday 28 September 2009

fighting my way through the BORING times of my life


i am searching a new skin for my blog..
and as usual..i couldn't get one.

either the space is too small or the layout...
is.....so not me....
i mean i'm not going to put up bikini's photo right.....?

well...this reminds me of her words.
when you're miserable of not finding the one you wanted,
could it be just that you haven't really set up your mind?

yea...i think i know the meaning now...


-urgh! i want sea.-


i couldn't stop thinking about the 16 marks i threw away during taxation's exam.
"stop thinking of it" is a command...its not a console.
i'll try my best to fit in.
for i shall have more and more helpless situation in the future.
for i shall learn to grow up and to start to use my shoulder.
for i shall be able to hold myself up.

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Saturday 26 September 2009

Gossip frequent, Gossip fluent....


are you okay?
i am now.

its early today,
late yesterday....
XOXO speech is back into my life...
it means something.
and i'll figure it out.


-KahInn logging in-
the gossips shall rocksssssss

铺天盖地是你完美演技,哪里热闹往哪里去

ohyea....i read like....thousand of blog?
well.....ahaha...n
i feel like blogging....

i saw lots of people get together....
n i saw lots of people fell apart
some of them farewell-ed....some don't even bother it...
i once wondered...why is a nice farewell always means lots and a normal farewell will be treated as....jus a goodbye saying?

might be that farewell is the last wish your friend can give you?
after farewell, you will be on your own...
you are on your way to your another life..
the existing way of friendship has stepped its way into memory....
i love shouting goodbye..^^

than i saw lotsa love love love couple...
i was watching a reality from...CHINA?
its bout solving problems ....lame description huh// u bet...
i once saw a case,
Mr.A married Ms.B.....
than for some reason...they had enough with each other...
so they divorce. Than without hearing from each other...Mr.A married Ms. C
they went on smoothly...then Mr.A one day suddenly says he had a daughter...
it appears to be that one of his old-time friends told him he met Ms.B with a girl of a correspond age to the year if their divorce...

Mr.A went back to Ms. B hometown n check....Everyone told him that, the girl of his has died on the delivery..as per he was told by Ms.B before they divorce.
They even show a cemetery if his girl.
He was so sad, but with certain doubt, he dug out the cemetery.
it turns out...TOTALLY EMPTY.

He cried...(weird?)
He feels really guilty for that if this lil' girl isnt dead, than where is she now?
and being her father, HE had done NOTHING for her...

than than than when he eventually found the Ms.B,
Ms.B is now with another husband...which is quite weak....
Mr.A now suspects Ms.B purposely cheat him bout his daughter's death
for he found a girl correspond to the age and parts of her is identical to him...
like the lil' girl will faint due to some illness as he do...
He suspects Ms.B purposely cheat him as the time when Ms.B is pregnant,
their marriage is of no good condition.
Ms.B might have, during that particular period, fall for her new husband.
Ms.B, for his new husband is weak, wanted to bring a baby over to her new home...
so....the whole story came out...
...
...
....
.......
..........
another story is bout a young couple.
Mr.Z and Ms.Y..like every other ordinary couple,
met, fell, love, married...
However....Both of them are from single family.
Mr.Z is left with his father,Mr.W
Ms.Y is left with her mother, Mrs.X
Mr.W and Mrs.X soon fell for each other and is thn in relationship.

Mr.Z and Ms.Y than got married and bought a new house..
of course, Mr.W and Mrs.X tagged along...
they lived on and than.....
Ms.Y and Mrs.X who is responsible of cooking....
start to cook lesser and the father and son had to go out and buy their own food
provided that his father is a disabled one....

Mrs.X and Mr.W start to had enough of each other....
than Mr.W started to think of himself as a burden and
also being treated kinda bad by Ms.Y and Mrs.X
he went away...

Mr.Z than through the help of the show...found his dad....
so sad..his dad is living under a wooden house,
to be precise, a place where a few pieces of wood is stuck together..
he picked up rubbish to be sold and thats how he earns a living..

.......
............
...................
...................................

from all these stories, i somehow stopped believing in love
and started believe in music...
haha.......nola....just that....i wonder why people who got madly in love always mislook some....very practical facts?
i don't like those couple that cursed each other after broken up....
you people once were honey baby and now.....
thats pathetic.....

----------------------------------

ohya....i'm watching a lot a drama these days...chaplang..
as long as the people are moving and voice is hearable....
i would watch.
i look up to this man now..he is in the "春去春又回"
btw, 曹格sang the songs of the drama..not bad....
余佛影--李立群

Friday 18 September 2009

here to blow up everything on everyone's face.
Uh ha....i did had the 'suckest' exam timetable ever and....
i'm sure there will be more to come!
hopefully me reactions on the evaluation form works....
please....spare me....having Taxation and B.Law on the same day...
that's more than worst...

fine....this exam,i screwed up like i always do...
*thgs that are done repetitively = customs*
Teenagers are destined to ruin exams....
WHY?
simply because....
URGH!!!!I FUCKIN HATE CRAPS

right! i've got nothing to do.....holy shit....
everyone, my exam is over.
obeying the principal of "Teenagers are destined to ruin exams...."
(yea..last of being a teenager...thanks JOC for reminding me on this!!) ishh~
and also of the contribution of my college's worst timetable planner!
(mr.planner!!! sang zai mou si fat)
i saw my grades saying BYE-BYE to me....
at the mean time.....C- is...smiling at me.....T.T

BUT still...i went for a movie right after exam...
with SuTing...my first Cassiopeia friend...*.*

"Tsunami"
funnily sad......
yup...
i'd always remember the moment when that guy decide to drop himself into the sea instead of the bastard, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FGF!.......
i'd remember how he scratch his head before he decided so.
Respectful: Mr. 3 o'clock.

i'd always remember how the uncle got flushed away....
Consolation: Mr. Ahpek

we thought it was a american film for we mislooked the word "in haeundae"
a lil' confess is that, even if i saw it, i would have took it as somewhere near...Hawaii?
cause....they both start in "h"

==


late..time for nap...
oh ya...i survived from a nail plugging today...
my nail is stil nicely attached...
BUT, in pain......

Wednesday 2 September 2009

take every moment

That was this morning and this is my afternoon today. Pretty sure there’s not gonna be night for FA really want me so badddd!

.....A good day.....

That’s all. Thanks for the 2 girl. I’ll always heart you both for all those space with you people in my memory bank. Being accompany means a lot. Means everything sometimes.

Lenka had back to my top favourite recently. And I’m addicted to “Live like you’re dying”.

I admit, I always like old things, so what? I’m comfortable with it.

It might be a lil’ fast to call it a day. There’s still a cake in my fridge. But my night will be dedicated to my FA, so and so….hmm…hmmmm….hmmmmmmm…….

I am facebooking now. And I do see lots of wishes from all over the world. I thought of listing all out and saying thank you, but that’s so stupid like marking attendance so urm….THANKS for all those wishes, wishes mean a lot as usual.

Half of the day gone like wind, another half stuck with financing.

Something strange is that I don’t feel bad for I’m having birthday in an exam mood…

I once cursed the whole damn world for the stupid arrangements of exam BUT maybe..MAYBE, I learned from the captain in “Benjamin Button”. Just let go…

I was trying so hard to let go some stupid characteristics of me…yet I’m still on the way to.

Yea…..None of us are borne or stand a chance to be perfect, maybe I just wanna be someone that I like.

Life is gonna be tiring if I hate myself.

Ohya….Despite the surprise from my 2 baby friends, the surprise from zhilin’s sister is SUPERB. Its short and natural. Thanks, 航妹。

*thanks for making my day perfect*
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-The search is over, you were with me all the while-

take a lil' time, stop for a lil' while, get the balance right.

Awh….i’m here breathing the air in cyber world. And for some sick fuck shit reason, my slow as hell line failed to connect again and again. Oh god, please be nicer to me, this is THE DAY you know….

Well, as per what had been the tradition, today is the day after 1st September and its pretty much close with exams. I’ve the most significant thing of the day in my fridge. Its from my mum, trust me, i’m at the most surprised when she suggested so.

Oh my goodness…I’ve reconnected for at least 10 times. Fine, this post is definitely not a smooth 1 huh..What? to punish me for abandoning the cyber part of my quietly fantastic Life?

Argh….F.U.C.K. Line sucks man! Shit to the hell.

Ok, lets see, there are 24 hours a day…. I slept at 4am last night(or should I say, this morning?)…4-11am.So, I actually closed my eyes and left myself unconscious for 7 hours as a way to let the time flow JUST LIKE THAT? I’ve got only 13++ hours left now. Spare some time for my FA, that makes me approximately NO TIME TO SPOIL MYSELF throughout the day.

What does this show? Erm, I’d say, it means so freakin much.

1. Don’t be too eager to see the world with naked eyes, some times of yours would stay permanent.

2. FA text is so not a good mate of the day.

3. Sleeping is a need regardless how meaningful the day is.

I’m still reconnecting and I’m sick with it.

I am going for TV and maybe later, if the mood of blogging strikes me again.

Look for a meteor and make your wish.

It by-passes the world in a beautiful angle, people will wish good for you.

My wish?

I wanna stop being a lose-fearing person. The more I’m getting this way, the more I hated myself.

Alright, I know my wish is easy and simply by seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Still, I never stop being quietly fantastic.

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