so no one told you that it was gonna be this way

I hardly write about my friends now huh?

Just occasionally mention here and there,

I’ve been meaning to write about my colleagues, the good ones

Those whom I took in as friends, and appreciate them as much as possible

What happen to my usual friends?

Yellow submarine is still here, with everyone floating here and there

And as always have been, I still thankgod for having them as friends

And enjoy sharing awkward funny shy stories with them

We’d talk at least a lil almost daily

I can rant about basically anything, without telling them the whole stories

Now that I think, we have never reach a point where the 3 of us is sunk in the sea of negativity

There will always be 1 or 2 there to flow in the positivity for the one who rant

Oh yes, all of us yell in there from time to time

Because how people around us is on the graph with gradual increase in stupidity

I will go there and swear my ass off and curse the whole world

We always say that if anyone ever retrieve our chat history, we’d be dead meat

We basically talk really mean behind many people.. or their facebook to be precise

The thing is, you see, if you’re stupid, you don’t have to prove to me that you are really stupid.

Well, since yellow submarine has become part of my life, i guess it lose its shine and has then become so normal in my life, i dont bother to tell about.. i mean, there we are, and that’s how we are.

So then same goes to my dearest food friends

Except we don’t really catch up as much as per in yellow submarine

But then again, that’s just how we have been all the while

I can’t rant in both places, copy and paste meh

We’re working on our long-awaited graduation trip,

Right after we have left school for like 2 and a  half year..

I know right, but that’s just how we roll~

No actually, its just how JOANNE roll.

So yea, food friends, we be waiting and waiting..

2 and a half year also we can wait already, why not more right?

Ahhh~ I enjoy talking about my friends

Ooh ooh! My book friend!

My one and only friend who actually have a weird passion over books

And the only friend whom I have gone to a bookfair with

I still remember tangzhilin’s face when I happily show her a book I have been wanting for far too long..

It was this icy cool face with LITERALLY NO EXPRESSION

And Joc’s face when I say I go all pok gai because of the recent book fair thingy.

It was this what-world-are-you-from face

Not like I enjoy that, but as a friend, we are not identical to each other,

We just share some really weird things in common and that’s more than enough for us to friend the whole thing up

So book friend and I are nothing similar too

I actually have met people who told me that book friend and I do not look like 2 person who would click

UH YA, I’m making friends, not twins...

Damn who the hell click with the mirror?!

So book friend, i just mentioned her a few days before

It was us, melacca, and unstoppable desire to be just us

Speaking of her, she is going on another just-her trip

And I couldnt just drive to the destination, so i’ll have to pass this one..

Have fun my friend, i’ll be expecting stories.

At this point, I confess, blogging at work is the only good part of my usual working day

I just cannot resist, I flip open the Ms. Word and I start talking to myself

And the next moment, lunchtime!

Woo best!

Ya right, and then I’ll have to rush my ass off the whole freaking afternoon..

Whoa i scroll through my recent posts and coulndt help but, WHOA! ALL THESE ARE SO RANDOM

Omgoodness leekahinn, we are back to how we used to be during internship...

Oh oh... ohh....

I’ve been reluctant to use ‘dreaded’ to describe how i go by the days

No, definitely no..

I mean, the last thing I could at least do is to not give up right?

At least I still expect something out of the days

I actually wanted to talk about 2 things when I woke up this morning..

With my memory, i manage to secure one, but i had a wrong start and gone a complete different direction.. so I will just go on until somewhere somehow sometime

So back in high school, i have this bunch of friends, we call ourselves 613

(until this day, i would be extra sensitive with this 3 figures)

(like on the cars, or the digital clock, or payment voucher numbers or so)

(I miss us)

So I wanted to talk about this, not like out of the blue, but because the series ‘Friends’I’ve been watching

I crossed the part where Emily had Ross to not see Rachel again and is making him move and stay away

For 613, we were all brats back then, young and dreamy, only seventeen.

I thought we would keep in touch longer than we had

And now, there is only 3 of us in this yellow submarine

I should have seen that coming, for the boys start to fall for the girls and you know, the teenage hormones kicks in, things go all awkward and weird

We had a handicapped-gathering in a friend’s house during CNY

I am the representative of yellow submarine, and i fellt TERRIBLY AWKWARD

Awkward and sad actually, how did we end up so awkward?

I was sitting there eating the food, and years ago we gather around the table and make nonsense jokes

What’s wrong? I kept asking myself

There is this one friend, that I barely talk to now, which was the chauffeur for most of our outings

Damn we used to be in his/lin’s car and live a life of a 17 the 17 way!

And all our interactions was he asking me, ‘so you work in JB now?’

Which ended with me nodding and say ‘yea..’

I didn’t even have the courage to ask back

AND I KNOW THAT IS RUDE

I just can’t stand the feeling of friends now strangers!

I felt awfully pathetic sad and all about this

Then there is this another friend whom I also stopped interact with years ago

We used to talk a lot back in high school, and we even stuck around during the early years in the college

She began asking me about my life, just real casual hi-bye kind you know?

At that point, I thought I was gonna die suffocating from awkwardness

If there is any nightmare that I fear the most, is that when one day, chingulin n chinguyan became like that

People like them who know too much about me, suddenly don’t care anymore

And one day we will walk pass each other, and let ONLY the shoulder touch

That is my worst worst worst EVER nightmare...

And the other day I began writing about 613

I wrote about our days in high school

And I had a real great time even at reminiscing those silly conversations

But I couldn’t continue

Am I suppose to go on and end it with us parted and became strangers?

Or should I fake up a happy ending?

The thing is, this whole friendship thing, I don’t want it to end.

I refuse to accept the fact that it ended JUST LIKE THAT.

Nothing happen, just everyone moved on

And all i have is an empty room with lotsa torn memories

That sucks.

(I should really get back to work)

(damn hell I should)

(ahhh i can afford another quarter hour)

(wey this is blogging, not slacking right?)

(whats with the slogan buildinga better working world?)

(well in a better working world, I BLOG)

So ya, the 613 the memories

Ain’t that sad or whatttttt!

My best form 5 days was spent with them

10 years from now, or 50 years from now

I would wanna sit down with them in a circle and talk about lives, and time flies kinda thing

I wish we could

and my dear yellow submarine, my dear food friends, my dear book friend and my dear colleagues,

I GIVE YOU A BIG BIG HUG AND A 90DEGREE SALUTE TO HAVE CHOSE TO STAY IN MY LIFE. 

terima kasih banyak banyak

and Ross, WE HATED EMILY!

(nope, no just saying, I FUCKING MEAN IT)

The Tipping Point, and me.

I had to took some time off my work today, SPECIFICALLY, NOW.

So the past week and this week, I am assigned for a job that goes by the tagline ‘The job with no tomorrow’ in my office. And, we all know what to expect when your job is locked it since last year. It means someone high above is looking into this engagement since god-knows when.

And I’m with this A2, which is actually a really nice person. Though I have memper-stereotype-kan her to what-i-though-she-would-be. Sorry, I never should have.

And these are not the point. NO.

The reason why I keen-desperately need to write something down is because of the book I accidentally got addicted.

Story start with me tagging along the cousin family to send off the cousin to Koalaland.

It was a whole bunch of people from the family and the awkward element kicks in pretty hard

I reason with the washroom and leave them bunch talking to each other

One of my book-cousin(like book friend, but cousin) tagged along as I shy away from family social

We went to this bookstore in the airport and randomly looking through the shelves

A normal people would not want to buy anything from the airport unless you have to

So i had fun flipping through zodiac signs, horoscope signs kind of books

I hardly read any of these books in english before, so why not?

So piles of this zodiac and horoscope books, i done flipping in like one minute?

I was going to lose interest and want to head over to the children section to look for good old memories

I have this final glance over the pile of current trending books,

And at the very last row of them, a real virtually-dusty corner,

You can probably tell how many people have overlooked that last row, i’d say like 70% of them?

There lies this three books, ‘The Tipping Point’, ‘Blink’, ‘Outliners’.

There is absolutely nothin fancy about the cover.

I know I have been the sight-kind-of-person where i LITERALLY judge a book by its cover INITIALLY. But then, these 3 books, i just randomly stick my hand out and grab’the tipping point’.

The book cover is boring, white and with words. So I grabbed the book, read through the comments and the usual paragraph behind every books. It sounds like 40% interesting from what was on the back of the cover. I looked around and saw my book cousin all ostrich-ing in the fiction shelf, so I thought I’d read something, anything, for she, as per always, takes wayyyyyy longer than average to decide.

I started with the introduction, having no clue on what to expect

Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnddd,

BAM.

*********************************************

HOW MUCH I MISSED SUCH BAM?!!!

Oh i missed out, the bam is the bam of stumble upon

Like you look across the menu and BAM you saw the love of your tummy

Tha kind of BAM..

The last time i had it, was with JiuBaDao when I read ‘Na Xie Nian wo men yi qi zhui de nv hai’ for the first time..

And that is probably wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back when i was 18 or 19

The BAM!! The BAM!!

Not to say I have not met other OH-MY-GOD-BESTnyaaaa book, but after JiuBaDao, I have been pretty active in searching for new books to read. I know I wont be satisfy by JiuBaDao only, so I have been searching and searching.

Like EnZuo, Like Han Han, Like Guo JingMing, Like LaoTzu, Like GuiGuZi, Like LiBiHua, Like YanGeLing, Like LinXi............. don’t get me started

So other than JiuBaDao, all these writers, I know them before I buy their books. I must have read about them on the internet and grew interests on them and ran off to the bookstore.

But this time, its totally out of the blue.

Its like I read the first page and forgot to stop since.

I told my book cousin that I might have found my favourite english writer.

I started googling about this guy and turn out, his birthday is on 3rd September.

SWEET. BABY. JESUS.

Instead of stumble upon his work, I have a feeling that I actually FOUND his works.

Much like when I first read a book about mind reading back then

I got that book from a bookfair in penang whom I attended with book friend

It was on the hit and so I grab one to try

I thought it will be filled with silly mathematics tricks

And turn out it was exactly how I thought things would have been.

BAM!

Okay so I correct myself, the second BAM being the mind reading book, this is the third bam!

And still its the mighty precious BAM, i am still overwhelmed!

For a reader to find their own BAM, is like a lion from the zoo who finally get to taste human flesh.

I know right, its none other than a

MEGA BAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Only, better.

***********************************

So the book name is ‘The Tipping Point’ by Malcolm Gladwell.

I was really fascinated by the first few pages of examples

And I had to swear I will buy the books to make myself put the books down

And then i did, I went to the mall the next day, eagerly and got a total of 4 malcolm gladwell.

I did some research after, and realize there have been 2 extreme review over the books.

I’m the least kind of person who would really believe in reviews when it comes to my books,

So I am still very happy to have found The Tipping Point.

I wished I could have a good holiday where I curl up under a cozy weather and just read off the time.

Ya, I wished right,...

Okay so that is the BAM, the tipping point where I can’t get rid of until I start reading about it

And I have been slacking through my deary Monday

And if the work turns out to be too fucking rush at the end of the week, its totally karma being sucha bitch getting back to me. OH DAMN FUCK.

Hey, still February

Im back to this whole blogging thing..

Not like i have left, im always here in the land of quietly fantastic..

And i shall never, stop narrating my life. NEVER.

Because seriously, one day i might get all famous and the fans would read my blog as my bio.

Ah ha. One day.

I missed blogging so so much..

I mean, yes i have been blogging, but have a look on my archive!

wtDAMN we used to write likeat least one post every 2 days

WE  WERE  TALKATIVE  WHEN  IT  COMES  TO  OUR  LIVES

Well look at you now, all down and barely breathing

Daily, we close and open our eyes instead of sleeping

Because we ain’t sleeping no more

We just wanna keep up with the time of the world

Every 1 second wasted is 1 second where we could be sleeping or engaging clients

This, was, how, we, used, to, define, pathetic

Ahhhh well.......

You know, it really bothers me as of whether I am waiting for a way out, or looking for a way out?

I felt like I’m in the middle of a very terrible movie, in a very fancy cinema. Its like I want to leave, so want to, but part of my conscious is glued on the chair by unknown force.. All I need to do is get up and leave the room, but all I did was sit right there. The reason being I don’t know where to if I left the theatre.

So i sat through the movie, non-stop cursing my pathetic existence.

**************************

Wow, to think, ‘pathetic’ has now back to my gloassary..

I talk about it all the time, and I act like it all the time

Its freaking 6pm right now

All I can think of is to go home and die in the warm hugs of my blankets..

I am currently on job with one of my peers

One of whom I would tell everything HONESTLY to

And today our bosses came by to meet with the client

They practically sat right opposite me as I am typing this

When they left the room for discussions, she popped me a question,

‘these people really enjoy audit so much ar?’

-Probably, because their darkest day is gone d ma

‘Every time ar, I see them so into the laptop like that, I don’t get it’

***********************************

Truth is, every night, when I’m jammin’ my mcdonalds while rushing through the work

Feeling like living the worst life ever

I would look towards the manager room, and imagine

You know how some people would say, its better to have the bad first before the good

Then I think to myself, look at my dear managers, what if there is no good?

If I were to tolerate this hell for 5 years, and end up like them, or even further,

Tolerate for 10 years and end up like my boss...

I would feel very sorry for myself.

I do think my managers really like what they are doing

Thats what kept them going

But again, that’s not what

長長的路慢慢走

It has been something kind of funny for the weekend right back

I have mentioned about this friend of mine a few times now, but she hardly gets any grand opening.

Aaaannndddd, she is not gonna get it this time.

Considering our friendship totally developed out of the blue, and I have zero interest in faking a ‘she-is-destined-to-be-my-friend’ story

But seriously, it was weird. Even my food friends would wonder, ‘How come you both kept in contact out of everybody else’

Told’ya, weird.

Probably we shared some interests that don’t really work in other group of friends?

Interests like reading, blogging.... those wordy-nerdy stuffs?

To me, one who read should be the last person to be declared nerd.

But oh well, who am I to say anything?

So yeap,this friend, she has this interest too.

She is the one whom I would share most of my after-read thoughts to

Like, those stuffs that I’m really into, those ancient chinese, those china-critics and things like that

Not like she is interested too, but well, we sort of are the kind of people that,

We tend to be interested in whatever we don’t know...

If I’m not mistaken, she has been real deep in the self-enrichment kind of books.

Not my first choice, but I do enjoy listening the summarized version of hers...

And also, sometimes we would suggest some books we thought the other might be interested in

Okay, that’s all

I shall stop here.

Suddenly, I decided to pronounce her book friend.

And i thought that is quite an idea.

So this book friend of mine, she randomly texted me on a morning, last Friday.

I was caught in my usual morning let-me-sleep-another-five-minutes-and-rush-my-ass-off-later routine

She told me she is taking a day off her work and want to spend some good time thinking about herself.

I replied that this is a good idea. (while personally cursing the coward leekahinn wtf why we dont have)

Apparently, I thought I would have to work on that Saturday too.

So then I was at work, manager reviewed my work on the spot,

Everything was so normal.

And then I receive a text from my book friend;

‘I’m in melaka now, see you later?’

I glanced through the screen real quick, brain-lagged for a moment or two

‘damn leekahinn, lets go’

‘eh don’t gila la, we need to work tomorrow la’

‘okay, if we’re not working, we go!’

‘but i need to draft account somemore’

‘NO BUT’

‘spending a sleep weekend in pontian sounds nice too’

‘THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU DID ALL THESE PASSED MONTHS’

‘but we have to drive all the way....’

‘DUDE PROVE TO ME THAT YOU ARE STILL CAPABLE TO GO UNPLANNED’

....and that is a killer thing to say to me....

So my reply,

‘okay, if I not working tomorrow, i will go’

*******************************************

Call me childish, or whatever, I do think its important for me to prove to myself I am still the one who would grab my phone and purse, hop on the car, and leave for anywhere...

So important.

************************************

So book friend.

I finally reached the motel she lived around 12 am

The name is ‘Motel Sayang-sayang’

I purposely wrote it down, because i want the future leekahinn to remember,

Being a manly man like her, once lived in a motel named ‘sayang-sayang’..

Yes pal, we lived in a hotel with such a name.

A hotel painted in pale yellow and white, and some stick-man couple wall stickers.

Well, on the bright side, its not the pinky kitty one.

But it should be quite a new hotel. Very clean on the inside. But the outlook..erm...normal.

She greeted me with 2 popiah, and a LOOK on my blanket.

Urm, ya, we brought our blanket too..

Dear future me reading this, we/I, love that blanket. So love.

*************************

We had our time chatting a little bit, trying to sort out what to do on Saturday

She sent me a picture on Friday afternoon, there is this cafe stuffed with books and looking all hipster

And i am very interested with the collection of books they’ve got

That is probably the only intinery we had in mind

*******************************

Waking up on Saturday morning was really awesome

I took a quick shower and stay by the window, just looking at people passing by

While digesting the fact that im in freaking melaka

Damn the last time i was here, it should be sometime during 12-year-old.

In short, I WAS STILL A YOUNG BOY

Then time flies, they got the legendary Jonker street and all sort of themed cafe

While i was driving off the highway into the city, the places around me resembles a lot of my memories about Ipoh...

When I am in the city, the narrow streets and old houses resemble the heritage sense of penang

In short, I think melaka is a Frappucino of Ipoh & Penang.

*****************************

We had a tourist walk around melaka on the day,  a quick rest and the stuffed-with-books cafe, and the legendary jonker walk pasar malam..

I had this mega spicy sze chuan noodle, and saw my manager

The manager whom I have to submit a file to on monday

But none of those spoilt the mood

She then brought me to a place right beside a river

We had good time drinking and talking

I thought of writing down whatever we have talked, but maybe not now,

Everything just scatter around my mind, refusing to settle down.

It was a really enjoyable time, probably the easiest 4 hours i have had

Sitting by the river, sipping cold beer, and talk anything out of nowhere...

I realize I do need this...

I do need this from time to time, where I am just leekahinn and nothing else

No deadlines, no anyone to report to, no nothing that can hold me back

At some point when i was talking, i thought i was gonna cry

Just too much feelings in me that is coming out

Then I looked up to the sky, the moon is right above me

I said to myself,

Don’t cry on the best nights for months. Don’t.

We will cry some other day.

We laughed a lot, cheers,

And this ladyboss from the shop said to us,

‘its good to see you old schoolmates coming together again! Hold on to moment like this, it wasn’t easy’

We are at the same stage of life right now, struggling for more

But who knows, some day in the future we gotta move on,

Could be both of us at the same time, or just one of us

But in this big big world, to run into someone like this,

To make such a friend,

I thank god for these.

Sincerely, thanks.

My job sucks, but my life is pretty awesome.

*********

Side effects of short-but-great runaways, it was too short, that you wanna go back for more...

It was too great, that you learn you could have been so much happier than you are at life...

I’m having this post-have-fun syndrome

And one of the symptoms for that is ‘desperation’...

I think I wanna sell stuffs at melaka pasar malam...

Desperate lehhh

Hey February

In consistent with my previous posts, this one here is for February.

I have been reading this book, namely ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ by John Green, a couple of weeks ago. I am not a big fan of english storybooks, mainly because I was kept too busy with my chinese storybooks. Sorry to say, I have not met my favourtie english author. NOT YET.

I always believe it is like a MEGA-bliss to find your favourite author. Someone whose thoughts could touch your heart even you are stranger to each other.

One of the quotes from JiuBaDao was that, ‘I wish that this world would be a little bit different because of me. And my entire world, is nothing but your heart.”

Back then, i took this as a love quote. Just a guy who wrote fancy to a girl he likes.

But its always his books that draw me back again and again. I literally visualize all of those characters, and had to revisit them from time to time to make sure they don’t forget me.. or vice versa?

The Book. Right, the book.

‘The Fault in Our Stars’ – John Green.

I started reading it, because I wanted a break from my chinese storybooks.

I have been crying awfully lot, and feeling terribly too much for all those stories.

Meantime, my cousin finished this book and is giving good comments.

She did warn me that its a love story, guy girls love, kissing and stuffs, knowing I’m the last one for a pinky story. I’m at chapter 14 now. This is nowhere near fast considering my speed of reading. I could easily finish any book in 24 hours, even 2 of them. SO this time, I’d say I got it done in a rather smooth pace. I don’t feel the urge to flip to the next page, probably because this isn’t a thriller story, or frankly, because I haven’t reach the climax.

I don’t feel too much for Hazel and Gus. A little bit but not too much. The name ‘Hazel’ in me, has been taken by a character in TVB drama – When Heaven Burns. In me, that is how a Hazel should look like. But this Hazel Grace works too, when I’m reading, I kinda picture her as Emma Robert.

And I guess that is because of Emma starred in the move ‘something kind of funny’?

That character was sick too.

So again, back to the book.

I believe many would grow interest in ‘An Imprial Affection’ as they read the book. So am I. I secretly expectmy cousin to do the searching for the book and so I can read it when I’m done with this one.

I’m at the part where Gus became a grenade too, and Hazel Grace learn that she cannot ‘unlove’ him.

(To think, Hazel Grace resembles the character a lot, but not Hazel. )

Actually, I just like this idea of cannot unlove... which many do not seem to understand.

I have been down and gloomy in life all these while. My cousin was flipping through my instax album the other day, and he started asking, ‘so when was the last time you got a pic before CNY?’

‘Before I got a job, its like I was still alive when I have a job, but then since then my life gone missing, so I only have the one before I work and then pff! CNY.’ Me

My parents or frankly, my whole family, have this idea that I’m stressing myself out. That all these negativity in me is because I couldn’t adapt to this working life. (WHY SHOULD I?!!)

At some point, I do think about it this way too.

Until I read the line, ‘I wouldn’t unlove Augustus Waters, and I didn’t want to!’

‘I couldn’t undream Quietly Fantastic, and I didn’t want to!’ – Thats me yelling.

There are so many of them trying to convince me that this is life, life is about compromising a little here and there.

Uhh, no its not.

Remember that story? That a little kid was in school, answering the question, ‘what do you want to be in future?’. He answered He wanted to be happy. The teacher said he doesn’t understand the question, he said the teacher doesn’t understand life.

You see, I can’t listen to the advice from people that is living the life I don’t want. In short, THEY ARE NOT INSPIRING!

I have seen the vision of my quietly fantastic life. Me, of everybody else, is chosen to see that life. Why is that? BECAUSE ITS GONNA MEAN SOMETHING though I haven’t figure it out yet.

And all this while, I’m looking for ‘next step’..where is next?what is next?

What if the answer is behind me? What  if?!

I never am the one who follow the rules and found the treasure.

I have always been the one who walked a thousand miles and end up as the happiest person lying beside a waterfall.

WATERFALL, I NEED A WATERFALL!

Dear Dad & Mum,

(As much as you don’t read anything here, but I’m still keeping this, just in case. )

I am never the one who goes by the rule. I believe throughout my times with you, you must have that figured already.

Well, then here is what I have to say,

I am vey sorry, that I never go according to your plan, or even my plans. Truth be told, I don’t even have a plan. I have had many chance to blend into the norms, but I never fail to stay out/away. If you put me with the others, you will find me outstanding or, awkward-standing.

I didn’t let myself live up to social norms, so your expectations developed based on social norms will not work on me.

Ask a fish to fly and it will spend it’s life thinking how stupid it is.

I know you have had a hard time in the family because I have always been the surprise failure. I always bring surprises, and shocks too.

Mum, Dad, when I say I don’t like my job, I mean I don’t like my job. Its fine if you want to read that as ‘I-m-too-young-for-serious-job’, I am okay with it. I never let you any chance to get to know me, all along, we have been playing this game called ‘I thought know’.

And it once annoyed me a lot when you say I am like any other newbies who can’t handle working. I have seen my ability, I have seen how far I can go for a job, but if this job ain’t THE ONE, I will not have any interest in pushing myself for it.

I will not tolerate with the idea of ‘Just deal with it’ because it is my life.

I am so very sorry, but this is my life. Its now or never.

Life is a gamble, and I call my own shots.

I might lose or I might win, but the point of gambling is to believe in something 200% that you actually want to bear the cost when expectations go wrong.

That feeling of gamble, priceless.

This is my life, when I reach the end of it, I wouldn’t want to be in such a way where I get down from a bus and walk towards the routine. Instead, I will be the one who jump out of nowhere, probably a roller coaster, looking all messy as if I have been trying to unfix a nuclear bomb.

My life, is a bumpy ride. Not the Ferris wheel, not the carousel, its the fucking age/height/guts-restricted ROLLER COASTER.

I love you, and I tried to live for you.

It just doesn’t work that way.

Sorry.

Yours Kahinnly,

KahInn Lee

*********************************************

So this isn’t the way I exepcted this post to end, but, bye!

Oh well not so quick, few days back my cousin took the book for wrapping. She substituted my usual bookmark with a greeting card she got from her other cousin.

I have been keeping the booking in my working-backpack since forever. I have a bad habit of carrying books around, I love to grasp a second or two for a little time with my books. I just love reading, it let me escape the world.

So this new greeting card bookmark is doing ordinary. Until there is a sudden glimpse of it that reminded me of my english teacher. To real-drill-down-factual, he is a tuition teacher of mine. But he is the one who has brought so much influence in me, not only englishm but in being a person.

He used to encourage reading, like all teachers. Except he did not MAKE us read. Its like he would say, ‘Reading is fun’, what then is up to me to decide. He used to lend us a lot of buddhism books and told us a lot about beliefs. Not religion, BELIEFS.

I always have the idea that his favourite author is John Grisham. He must have said that to me during my 6 years there in that little room. He told us about his garden, his kids, his grandkids, his thoughts, or so. I guess, he is the first person in my life that I approve/let myself to be influenced by.

I still remember that bookshelf, on the right as we enter the room. There are a space where he kept all our homeworks, and another space where he kept all his books. His books are mostly weary, yellowish-old, if you ever happen to see a nice and clean one, it must be new. Like ‘i-bought-it-this-morning new.

On top of our homework, that is this one book he is currently reading. He normally use pieces of note-papers as his book mark. Sometimes, its a piece brutally ripped off from his exercise books. He’d write beautiful sentences from the book on that paper. He told us its a better way to improve your languages...

Oh well, I tried. But you know, its really hard to stop in the middle of a stories.

But now that I saw my own book, where the bookmarks is a greeting card which outgrew the book, it just suddenly brought me back to him.

Those days where I have pile of his homeworks, and that little room that makes me sooooo sleepy at times. Probably because of the greens right outside the window, probably because he is just a peaceful person.....

Probably, it was just the sleepy in me kicking in......

Who knows.

Thank you, Mr. Puvan.

(though I never learnt to spell your name right. I wish you well sir.)

Towards the end of winter

So this is a piece of something I started few weeks back

when i'm tired of telling things about my january?

It was some dark days, I had to keep on writing before I lose myself.

I love writing.

Writing tells me who I am. 

***********************************************

There is always another FINE day.

Just as fine.

On the afternoon that I met her, I was on shift  with yi meng. It was just another day when I clean my trays, do the trash and serving happy meals. It wasn’t any particularly busy in the store, everyone just come in, some families, some friends, some old friends, some just all by themselves. Yi Meng still throw me a look every time she got near my station. We planned to go shopping after work, and probably will have my favourite five guys burger.

So there is this old lady.

She was lining patiently behind a family. The father had the 4-year-old to order his own meal, that’s what took so long. The little boy had problem deciding between cheeseburger and chicken nuggets. He had me changed the order a few times, that I can already feel the laser-eyes shot from my manager right towards me. 

Yet I smiled, just working up to my regular pace. The rule is, never give a shit of your managers’ emotions. They are supposed to be numb.

So I serve off the family, and here comes the old lady. I began to recognize her over a number of her visits. 

Most of the time, she would go with a mcchicken and pair with a cone. Or sometimes she end up with a 6 piece nuggets happy meal, and she will always return me the toy.

“Why not you keep it?” I say, “You can keep for your grandchildren”

“Oh no, it’s ok. “ She replies.

“Or I’ll take it and give you a cone instead, but we gotta keep that from my manager” I suggest in a much softer voice

“Oh? Haha, that is really nice of you! But I am fine. Thanks” as she pushes the toy towards me.

“Well then I will keep the toy for some other kids then.” I gave in with a smile.

She smiled, picked up her handbag, and went into the ladies before she left through the side door.

Frankly speaking, she is just an old lady, much like any other old lady from the neighborhood. She is properly dressed with a 2-piece suit, carries a decent handbag, wears a pair of teacher’s glasses, and speaks in an appropriate volume and speed.

And she sometimes leaves me some chocolate as tips.

Now that I recall, I have met plenty of old people during that winter itself.

But she, she is the one that I actually had a chance to sit down and talk with. That was on my last week of stay in Camphill. I randomly walked into a really nice looking breakfast place, and am surprised to see her behind the counters. I must have made the surprising face for she smiled at me and mentioned how strange it is to serve me instead of being served by me.

I looked around the shop as she passes me the menu. It is a handmade menu by some kids, some kids with no access to computers. It is actually just a piece of paper glued to a brown cardboard. There are some obviously-randomly-cut shapes here and there around the menu. I, as usual, have the choice with the biggest portion(or at least named that way)-The BIG Breakfast, and a cup of hot milk. Funny to think how I always thought a cup of hot milk is a luxury, like whichever shop that serves luxury, will have themselves a special seat in my list of “Nice and thoughtful shops”.

She has this lil’ open kitchen bar seats, so I shifted myself there, expecting to grab some chats with her. I asked about why she serves hot milk? She looked kinda puzzled by the question, but still she replied,

“why not? I have a microwave, and I have milk”, as she pour the milk into a cup

“Because it wasn’t that common back in my hometown” I said.

“Where are you from?” closing the microwave door, she is.

“I’m from Malaysia.” Me, expecting her to ask what is Malaysia.

“Malaysia? Somewhere near China?” She opens the fridge.

“Nope, it’s underneath Thailand.” Me, all prepared.

“Oh, Thailand. Bangkok? Sorry I’m not good at this places thing” She turned to me with a sorry-smile

“oh no its ok, like I never understand the difference between the west and the east of America” I said.

“Is this your first time here?” serving me the hot milk

“yea, first time exploring the world all by myself” me feeling the milky hot steam

“So how is it going with you so far? Any good?”  She getting the plate

“Not bad I guess, working in the mcdonalds, meeting all sort of people, and WINTER!” sudden excitement by me

“here you go, the breakfast. I hated the winter” She serves the food

“Haha, I thought winter was the best weather before I came, then now I’m on the hunt again, for a place of spring all year round.” I sliced the sausages.

‘DING DING’

The bell on the corner of the door chimes as a huge-figured guy walks in with his newspaper. He didn’t bother to look anywhere but just sat right beside me. As he sat, he threw the newspaper on the table and took a minute fitting himself into the seat comfortably.

As he sat, the lady, of lightning speed, served him a cup of coffee almost immediately.

He took a sip, and began to look less harmful. At least I thought so.

I pluck up my courage and said, “Good Morning”

He turned to me and was about to say the same, except it came out as, “Aren’t you that mcdonalds girl?”

I wasn’t ready for that, so I guess I looked clumsy for a second in there, in which he went on saying, “is this really that surprising?”

To think of that, I have always been the kind of Mcdonalds worker that the management would hate. The kind who would give extra French fries, extra drinks, extra apple slices and stuffs like that. I love seeing the customers went off with a smile. Anyone by the counter could have been through a terrible day, why not make it a little bit less horrid? My manager may not agree with me, but who cares anyway?

“I just never thought I’d ever be remembered as something called ‘the mcdonalds girl’, it’s not flattering, but I’ll still take it as a compliment” I replied him.

“Oh hahahaha, I noticed some of you Chinese in that particular store. You and your friends, how long have you guys been here?” He drank his coffee, while the lady is cooking what better to be named, his routine, I guess.

“A couple of months, but we’re leaving soon, real soon. Like next week.” I said

“Next week? No way! All of you?! Where are you heading?” He said, relatively calm.

“Some of us are leaving this weekend, but me and 3 other girls are leaving only next week. We’re kicking start our travel plan! Starting off with New York.” I say, slicing my last piece of sausage, and damn, aren’t those the best sausages I have ever had or WHAT!

“Oh right, I heard from your friends that you guys are of some sort of work and travel plan” finally getting his big breakfast too, but unlike mine, he got it double of my portion.

“Yeap, and finally we have reached the travel part.” I say, while having a hard time scooping the scrambled eggs for myself.

“That must be real good fun, you know, I used to travel a lot when I was younger. I have been to Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, Indonesia, Vietnam…. a whole long list I can go.” Him speaking as the lady grabs a seat in front of me.

“That sounds fun, how old were you back then?” I ask

“well, young. Too young maybe?” he says, as he wobbled a whole piece of pancake coated in some golden maple syrup.

“Never too young!!!!” I say, and act all determined with my fist held tight.

He and the lady laughed.

We then went on and talked about Asia, and a little bit of Africa.

The old lady sat there, just listening.

Then I out of nowhere, began to tell my once-upon-a-time dream of having small little restaurant or café like this. Small, warm, cozy, quietly fantastic I say. I told them I promised my friend I would name my restaurant ‘eat n run’. They all laughed and asked why. I told them about my food friends, I told them about the marvelous food I have in my pretty little Penang Island, I told them about my favorite fruit is durian and it is the king fruits, I even tell them I think the bananas they have in the mart are pathetic.

We all laughed.

The man then turned to the old lady and say, “it’s funny how this girl reminds of me Steve”

“She resembles him in many way.” Says the lady, still smiling

“Steve who?” I asked

“My son, Steve.” The lady ended.

“Oh where is he now?” I ask, not realizing she might prefer the conversation to stop right there.

“Last time I heard, he was in Thailand.” The lady speaks, though she looks towards the entrance of the shop, it was as if she is staring through everything and looking into the past.

“When was it? Like 5 years ago?” The man lifted his head up a little bit, and looked down again.

“5 years? He was in Thailand 5 years ago?” I asked

“ya, or so I was told” The lady adjusted her posture a bit, as if she was gonna stand and leave, but she settled down

“….Can I ask what happened? But if you don’t feel like telling, its definitely fine” who else but me

“No worries, it isn’t any big of a deal.” She smiles, “Steve is my son. He turned 33 2 months ago.”

She began flipping something from a drawer down the counter.

“He ran away from home when he was 16, here, this is him when he was 4” the lady handed over a picture.

As much as the man beside me seems to be concentrating in his breakfast and the newspaper, I have a feeling that he is actually listening very closely. Probably because he looks TOO concentrate, such simple action will look very strange especially when you are overdoing it.

I took a good look at the picture; there is a little boy in his sailor suit. The background should be some sort of park or lake. I then looked at the lady again, expecting her to continue the story.

“He was like any other boy, naughty, playful, just a really active boy. I would bring him to the park most of the weekends, with his father. Most of the families would do the same, it is almost a routine. Steve loves playing kites in the park, and he is pretty good at it.” She, holding the picture.

“After the park, we would go to this diner on Python Street. It used to be my sister’s, Steve loves the burger there. But my sister sold it few years back, it used to be at the corner of the Dollar-tree store.” She added.

Awkward silence or like 30 seconds, just the sound of newspaper flipping by the guy. 

I think he is flipping a little bit too much, proof of over-acting #2!

“Well then, he just ran away. No notes. No apparent reason why, at least not that I know.” The lady continued after what could be the longest pause. “We weren’t the best parents to him maybe, and it’s too late when we realized.”

“…….. I don’t know what to say.” I was of pure honesty

“ahhh~ it was long ago. He still keep in touch with my sister’s son. And I’m pretty glad that he is doing okay. He has his life, and I have my life. I got that going for me and I think that’s pretty nice.” She stood up and start working with my leftovers.

The man bottom-up his coffee and asked for the bill.

I, too, walked to the counter and have a good look over the shop itself.

A very customized shop, with a story. Kind of cliché, but oh well, not every stories deserve a noble prize on being philosophic.

*************************************************************************

That night, yi meng and I went late-dinner at the Mcdonald’s we normally work at. We wanted to meet the overnight staffs once again and to have some pictures with them.

Lance had fun joking around and we talked about random funny experiences we had back then. I still remember clearly the first time he showed me how to make an Orange Fanta Slurpee. Also the first time he saw me putting salt into cokes and said he wanted to try. He ended up saying that tasted like water with dead body in it.

“arhhhh you American will never understand” I say, sipping my salty coke.

It was fun. Best time I had was back in that mcdonald’s kitchen fooling around with them. There was this one time when Lance asked me to count how many pack of sauces left, and I did it the Chinese way like 2 4 6 8 10, and I was counting in Chinese. Then when I’m done, I said a loud and clear “22” in Chinese. He looked at me all lost and was a little bit amazed. I went on telling him about the Chinese tend to count with multiplication 2 by 2. In between, I mentioned about I’m bad at math or so. The statement got both Lance and Brian triggered, they started making random math problem for me to solve.

It was all about 55+22-46 or 46 x 2 -57. For an accounting student, these are probably the thing that ran in my head everyday. I had them all solved super easily and they went all, 

“AND YOU ARE BAD AT MATH?!!!!!!!!”

I explained to them that I am bad at the type of math where they put the alphabet in. Something like 3x – 4y + 5z. Until today, I remember exactly both of their faces when I explain, they began saying, 

“THAT IS CALLED CALCULUS!”.

And Brian, he repeated “CALCULUS IS NOT MATH” for twice and he says,

“Calculus is not math, its like MAAAAAAATH” in the funny tone we used to hear on TV, like how people prolong the vocal pronunciation when they are confused.

Lance then added, “Calculus is not math, it’s like down the street at the corner of math”.

I laughed off and say, “I’m sorry, but I’m Asian.”

So then we reminisces all these funny parts and I began telling Yi Meng about that old lady.

“That old lady, remember not? The one you say always come for ice cream only one leh!” broken English is Asian style.

“the happy meal aunty ar?” broken English is how Asian roll.

“ YA YA YA, she la! This morning, I went to her shop to eat breakfast leh.” Broken English is Asian being friendly.

“Uh huh, then what? Give you free ar?” Broken English is Asian feeling home.

“No la! She tell me Her son run away, I think when he was 17 like that, I not very remember” Broken English is Asian’s secret code.

“GUYS, stop, there are Americans who speak normal English here.” Brian looked over

I looked to him and tell him about the old lady. Lance must have heard, well he is, after all, nosy.

“That lady? The one who always comes around eleven?” Lance

“Yes! The one I told you the other day, she always get happy meals without the toys.” Me

“I thought her son is dead.” Lance, looking serious.

“she told me he ran away.” Me, as my suspicious pooled themselves together slowly.

“No.. her son is dead. The whole neighborhood knows that.” Lance, getting more and more confident.

“but she says…..” my mind is a bush, and I’m beating around it.

“No wait, she said he ran away,” Brian looked towards me, and then he looked to Lance, “while all the others say he is dead; that somehow make sense too. He ran away, and he died.”

“Or probably she THOUGHT he ran away, but in fact he is dead.” Lance, wiping the milkshake machine.

“But! She mentioned the cousin! The one her son kept in touch with?” Me

“That’s easy, the cousin lied.” Brian.

“For future reference, in this world, people lie.” Lance, giving me life lesson.

Lance served me a McGangBang, and Yi Meng got her rainbow shake.

We stayed until next day morning, until they changed shifts and took a quick picture with us before they left.

*************************************************

Normally when a story sits in my folders, i will update it regularly.

but once i post it on facebook, it somehow just....fade away from my vivid memories. 

Anyhow, this story ended on a windy morning.

I sent Yi Meng off, and we both share the same stories. 

Hey January

So this is what sat through my so-called peak period of January..

I'd doodle a little from time to time, like when I'm waiting for documents

or when I don't wanna look too free which in fact I actually am...

That ought to explain why everything sounded 'out of nowhere'

********************************************

Hey January, so you’re ending now.

Maybe I’m lucky; you weren’t as tough as what I was told you would have been.

But I am devastated.

I was dying slowly inside.

For months something in me is shrinking.

From a burning flame it has now become a shivering spark

I’m keeping the spark, because that’s what I really am, and that is what I can do at the very least…

I didn’t reach the part of “life is tough”, but then I have learnt that being the leekahinn we want is not going to be easy.

As much as we wanted to keep being us, people will always judge.

The worst part? We can’t keep their voices away.

We are still sensitive to whatever the parents would say. We thought they understand us, but in fact they don’t. Probably only the friends do, or at least they accept the differences between our thoughts.

Everyone say, “don’t care what others say.”

But we really wanted our parents to stand strong in our ground; we worked all we can to gain their approval. They don’t have to think the way we do, but they can at least have faith in us.

Many have said, “leekahinn, you care too much.”

But we began to understand why we love oversea so much.

Because in that strange-foreign-faraway land, we get to be ourselves, while pretending that our family would back us up. We will have time for only ourselves, and probably some to just live in our day dream.

Some say we are losers, we cannot get what others have got.

But then again, we never are, the kind of people who live a life like any others. We are always the one who is specifically labelled with our names because we are different.

People will not tell their kids to look up to us, but we are the one who actually wake up excitedly, can’t wait to begin a day.

We are people like that. We are the one who would spend hours with the kids telling them the beautiful wonders of the world. That, is how leekahinn is supposed to be.

Remember how we wanted to be the one who tell the kids to grow up bravely, because everything ahead is all wonderful. We are gonna tell them that on every road, there will be tripping stones, but at the end of every road, there are rainbow waiting.

Some claimed they have never seen any rainbow, well that was because they spent all their lives walking others’ way. Everyone has their own destiny; I cannot walk your way while expecting to find my own rainbow. Mine is there waiting at the end of my journey and adventures.

When I eventually found my rainbow, I will sit with him and tell him all of my stories like a kid who just got home from her first day at school.

I stand tall as leekahinn, I will always be who I am. Even though that means being different, even though that means people will look at me and say what a freak.

I walked a whole long path to find who I am, I will not and never shall, throw that away by any means.

You can save your persuasion.

If I ever need a persuasion, it would be from the rock-hard wall that I have been crashing into.

That also, will not make any difference. Because, I have quietly fantastic in my DNA.

I wasn’t, am not, and will never be the normal girl next door.

I am living the life where they would put it on a magazine or newspapers to teach people about life.

In 3 years’ time, people will quote my name in their resignation letter to tell their employer that everyone deserves a life.

I am sorry my dear boss, you might be very good at your job, but you totally suck at being a boss.

You can’t keep me and that is your loss.

For you, there will always be another person to replace my position, but there ain’t nobody can replace me.

You failed to notice that, and I don’t feel sorry for you.

Your firm will survive on without me, but it will not marvel.

Sorry that I had to put it that way, but yes, it is true.

Some people try to tell you that this is how a job should be, tough, stupid boss, nasty client.

But tell them, there is a world of human. In that world, everyone uses their brain.

And WE DESERVED TO BE BRAIN-USED UPON.

As long as we are not happy, something is wrong.

Never compromise your smiles for anything.

And when someone wanna convince you about work now play later, politely ask them to

FUCK OFF

Work is a part of your life, so why should it be sucky?

Salary is a compensation given by your employer upon your work performed to ease his business.

He doesn’t owe you anything, and you don’t owe him anything either.

We are educated people, we talk about equality.

I work, I take your salary. Your salary compensates the work I performed.

PERIOD.

There is no one person in this world that deserves a sucky job.

You know why we have all these trouble about daily lives?

Have you ever imagine a world where everyone is genuinely happy?

You know, like everyone actually enjoy what they are doing?

Or should I start with, “have you been so happy that you just enjoy every single second of your life, and is thankful to be alive?”

I do.

Those days, were good.

I was working in Mcdonalds, and I couldn’t be happier.

Even I have nasty managers, I would whine about it and always end with a joke. I enjoy serving even those nasty customers! I was so happy that sometimes, I secretly pay for their food..

There is this time where a bunch of guys came in, and they are all bald. I asked if they got bulk discount at the hair stylist. One of them said they are doing that to show mental support to one of their friend who got cancer.

I thought it was really nice of them, so I gave them free apple pies, free sauces in which I later put in the money myself. Normally they make me charge for the extra sauces, that day, I gave them a whole bunch of sauces for free. What? People have a friend going through cancer; I just want to give them some positivity!

Or there is this old man who always come in with two other kids. The kids always order happy meal and the old man will go with a large black coffee. Every single time, I will purposely rush to make their fries. I will always stuff in extra fries and sometimes extra apple slices. I would give the old man free food too at times.