In consistent with my previous posts, this one
here is for February.
I have been reading this book, namely ‘The
Fault In Our Stars’ by John Green, a couple of weeks ago. I am not a big fan of
english storybooks, mainly because I was kept too busy with my chinese
storybooks. Sorry to say, I have not met my favourtie english author. NOT YET.
I always believe it is like a MEGA-bliss to
find your favourite author. Someone whose thoughts could touch your heart even
you are stranger to each other.
One of the quotes from JiuBaDao was that, ‘I
wish that this world would be a little bit different because of me. And my
entire world, is nothing but your heart.”
Back then, i took this as a love quote. Just a
guy who wrote fancy to a girl he likes.
But its always his books that draw me back
again and again. I literally visualize all of those characters, and had to
revisit them from time to time to make sure they don’t forget me.. or vice
versa?
The Book. Right, the book.
‘The Fault in Our Stars’ – John Green.
I started reading it, because I wanted a break
from my chinese storybooks.
I have been crying awfully lot, and feeling
terribly too much for all those stories.
Meantime, my cousin finished this book and is
giving good comments.
She did warn me that its a love story, guy
girls love, kissing and stuffs, knowing I’m the last one for a pinky story. I’m
at chapter 14 now. This is nowhere near fast considering my speed of reading. I
could easily finish any book in 24 hours, even 2 of them. SO this time, I’d say
I got it done in a rather smooth pace. I don’t feel the urge to flip to the
next page, probably because this isn’t a thriller story, or frankly, because I
haven’t reach the climax.
I don’t feel too much for Hazel and Gus. A
little bit but not too much. The name ‘Hazel’ in me, has been taken by a
character in TVB drama – When Heaven Burns. In me, that is how a Hazel should
look like. But this Hazel Grace works too, when I’m reading, I kinda picture
her as Emma Robert.
And I guess that is because of Emma starred in
the move ‘something kind of funny’?
That character was sick too.
So again, back to the book.
I believe many would grow interest in ‘An
Imprial Affection’ as they read the book. So am I. I secretly expectmy cousin
to do the searching for the book and so I can read it when I’m done with this
one.
I’m at the part where Gus became a grenade
too, and Hazel Grace learn that she cannot ‘unlove’ him.
(To think, Hazel Grace resembles the character
a lot, but not Hazel. )
Actually, I just like this idea of cannot
unlove... which many do not seem to understand.
I have been down and gloomy in life all these
while. My cousin was flipping through my instax album the other day, and he
started asking, ‘so when was the last time you got a pic before CNY?’
‘Before I got a job, its like I was still
alive when I have a job, but then since then my life gone missing, so I only
have the one before I work and then pff! CNY.’ Me
My parents or frankly, my whole family, have
this idea that I’m stressing myself out. That all these negativity in me is
because I couldn’t adapt to this working life. (WHY SHOULD I?!!)
At some point, I do think about it this way
too.
Until I read the line, ‘I wouldn’t unlove
Augustus Waters, and I didn’t want to!’
‘I couldn’t undream Quietly Fantastic, and I
didn’t want to!’ – Thats me yelling.
There are so many of them trying to convince
me that this is life, life is about compromising a little here and there.
Uhh, no its not.
Remember that story? That a little kid was in
school, answering the question, ‘what do you want to be in future?’. He
answered He wanted to be happy. The teacher said he doesn’t understand the
question, he said the teacher doesn’t understand life.
You see, I can’t listen to the advice from
people that is living the life I don’t want. In short, THEY ARE NOT INSPIRING!
I have seen the vision of my quietly fantastic
life. Me, of everybody else, is chosen to see that life. Why is that? BECAUSE
ITS GONNA MEAN SOMETHING though I haven’t figure it out yet.
And all this while, I’m looking for ‘next
step’..where is next?what is next?
What if the answer is behind me? What if?!
I never am the one who follow the rules and
found the treasure.
I have always been the one who walked a
thousand miles and end up as the happiest person lying beside a waterfall.
WATERFALL, I NEED A WATERFALL!
Dear Dad & Mum,
(As much as you don’t read anything here, but
I’m still keeping this, just in case. )
I am never the one who goes by the rule. I
believe throughout my times with you, you must have that figured already.
Well, then here is what I have to say,
I am vey sorry, that I never go according to
your plan, or even my plans. Truth be told, I don’t even have a plan. I have
had many chance to blend into the norms, but I never fail to stay out/away. If
you put me with the others, you will find me outstanding or, awkward-standing.
I didn’t let myself live up to social norms,
so your expectations developed based on social norms will not work on me.
Ask a fish to fly and it will spend it’s life
thinking how stupid it is.
I know you have had a hard time in the family
because I have always been the surprise failure. I always bring surprises, and
shocks too.
Mum, Dad, when I say I don’t like my job, I
mean I don’t like my job. Its fine if you want to read that as
‘I-m-too-young-for-serious-job’, I am okay with it. I never let you any chance
to get to know me, all along, we have been playing this game called ‘I thought
know’.
And it once annoyed me a lot when you say I am
like any other newbies who can’t handle working. I have seen my ability, I have
seen how far I can go for a job, but if this job ain’t THE ONE, I will not have
any interest in pushing myself for it.
I will not tolerate with the idea of ‘Just
deal with it’ because it is my life.
I am so very sorry, but this is my life. Its
now or never.
Life is a gamble, and I call my own shots.
I might lose or I might win, but the point of
gambling is to believe in something 200% that you actually want to bear the
cost when expectations go wrong.
That feeling of gamble, priceless.
This is my life, when I reach the end of it, I
wouldn’t want to be in such a way where I get down from a bus and walk towards
the routine. Instead, I will be the one who jump out of nowhere, probably a
roller coaster, looking all messy as if I have been trying to unfix a nuclear
bomb.
My life, is a bumpy ride. Not the Ferris
wheel, not the carousel, its the fucking age/height/guts-restricted ROLLER
COASTER.
I love you, and I tried to live for you.
It just doesn’t work that way.
Sorry.
Yours Kahinnly,
KahInn Lee
*********************************************
So this isn’t the way I exepcted this post to
end, but, bye!
Oh well not so quick, few days back my cousin
took the book for wrapping. She substituted my usual bookmark with a greeting
card she got from her other cousin.
I have been keeping the booking in my
working-backpack since forever. I have a bad habit of carrying books around, I
love to grasp a second or two for a little time with my books. I just love
reading, it let me escape the world.
So this new greeting card bookmark is doing
ordinary. Until there is a sudden glimpse of it that reminded me of my english
teacher. To real-drill-down-factual, he is a tuition teacher of mine. But he is
the one who has brought so much influence in me, not only englishm but in being
a person.
He used to encourage reading, like all
teachers. Except he did not MAKE us read. Its like he would say, ‘Reading is
fun’, what then is up to me to decide. He used to lend us a lot of buddhism
books and told us a lot about beliefs. Not religion, BELIEFS.
I always have the idea that his favourite
author is John Grisham. He must have said that to me during my 6 years there in
that little room. He told us about his garden, his kids, his grandkids, his
thoughts, or so. I guess, he is the first person in my life that I approve/let
myself to be influenced by.
I still remember that bookshelf, on the right
as we enter the room. There are a space where he kept all our homeworks, and
another space where he kept all his books. His books are mostly weary,
yellowish-old, if you ever happen to see a nice and clean one, it must be new.
Like ‘i-bought-it-this-morning new.
On top of our homework, that is this one book
he is currently reading. He normally use pieces of note-papers as his book
mark. Sometimes, its a piece brutally ripped off from his exercise books. He’d
write beautiful sentences from the book on that paper. He told us its a better
way to improve your languages...
Oh well, I tried. But you know, its really
hard to stop in the middle of a stories.
But now that I saw my own book, where the
bookmarks is a greeting card which outgrew the book, it just suddenly brought
me back to him.
Those days where I have pile of his homeworks,
and that little room that makes me sooooo sleepy at times. Probably because of
the greens right outside the window, probably because he is just a peaceful
person.....
Probably, it was just the sleepy in me kicking
in......
Who knows.
Thank you, Mr. Puvan.
(though I never learnt to spell your name
right. I wish you well sir.)
