Years later, I am visiting chingulin right here in UTM Johor.
Both whom I am very closed to.
We were out to some ayam penyet place for dinner
and then we went the legendary taman U jusco
it brought back so much memories.
back then, Sanjie used to have a friend working in Dunkin's Donuts
He would bring home the leftovers where I can have as supper
those days, Sanjie's friends would treat like lil' sister
and bring me all kind of food
I guess, that was the first time ever I know what a university life is like.
When I was a kid.
and now, I am 23. Barely a kid, at least barely expected to be.
No one comes around and say, "oh xiao mei mei, ni xiang chi somok?"
I have my own friends now
I have a lot of things to my own now
my own bills, my own worries, my own ice cream, my own handphone, my own...life.
Have you ever think about that one moment when you are officially granted the right over your life?
I do.
Especially times like now, where I am too free for nothing.
those days, we are structured to share everything with the siblings
those days, we are in huge desperation for something solely owned by ourselves
those days, I never expected loneliness
Just those days, huh.
If I put point A on those days, and I out point B on this exact point right now
what a god damn life I have been through eh
a long distance i have traveled
a complicated bunch of feelings I have felt
Here I am
stranded on the beach being one of the "candidates for a vacancy"
How should I feel? Like Finally?
I always think back to those days when I was eager to grow up and live on my own
those times, I have yet to learn a hard goodbye
those times, the worst goodbyes are the ones i said as i leave pontian
but now, I have had a lot of hard goodbyes.
I am sick of having hard goodbyes
but then, I am the one who never hesitate for a tiny bit to leave
I guess, most people thought saying goodbye is easy for me
Well, ya.
I feel sorry to my parents sometimes.
When I am dragging my luggage, and caught a glimpse of them waving hands
it has reached the time aint it?
the time where my parents no longer leads me
the time where i have to find my own direction
Before doing things, I sometimes mention this to myself, "Be a 23"
Ever since mayday's concert, I know something in me has ended
regardless of my approval, something has ended
Something in me has burst into the sky along with the stunning fireworks during the concert
Something, that I will never get back for the rest of my life
my past.
and its all behind me now.
I have never felt so alone before.
The previous leekahinns have all left.
the 17-year-old, the 18-year-old, the 19, the 20, 21, 22
I felt like I have done what they wanted
its good to feel accomplished over my past
but it sucks to feel lonely
Waking up in the morning, feeling the fear of having a blank to-do-list
i helplessly cry in my dreams and through my shower
Did I lose my courage to dream big?
After everything I have been through, and what have I become?
This could be just the usual anxiety people have during jobsearch
and here I am, magnifying it again, and push myself into the dead well of hope
It feels like everything around me is wonderful except me
2am in the morning
and I'm here with my emotions and shit
with chingulin and her coursemate sleeping beside me
At some point of life, try to step out
and you will realize how random you are to be where you are
and randomly,
I think I should watch some comedy now
well.
till then.
emotions and shit.
job search and shit.
stuffs and shits.
