i attended a kindergarten's graduation ceremony...
which is rather small, inofficial and terpaksa diadakan(really,the host said that)..
lots of kids hopping here and there, and some out of no where....
They were having so much fun having adults chasing behind them...
they were so excited, yea, they should..
I was excited too.
because nobody told me teachers cane in primary
because nobody told me homeworks come in tons in primary
because nobody told me endless comparisons will arise starting primary
because no-any-fuckin-body ever told me that primary is just a damn as hell starting point!!!
i looked at them, they shouted "Negaraku"
They were enjoying every single moments even when they're crying!
things never or HAVEN'T go wrong at that point of time.
I remember those fuckin moments i had back at primary and high sch...
Its no fun at all...
maybe because i'm fat.
no one will ever wanna friend with you if you bring them ZERO benefit..
everyone feels that you're stink. FUCK IT!
i had bad days...
in primary, every classes performed dancing during children's day..
so, out of those awful memories in kindergarten,
i bravely, raised my hand and refuse to be in the dance..
with that, that was another fat girl who backed my proposed..
end up, 3 girls (including me), ONLY 3 girls of the class did not do the stupid dance.
the teacher sort of hate me..
I think i made an impression of being "rebel"?
but i checked the dictionary,
this is the definition,
"Someone who exhibits great independence in thought and action"
NICEeeee...
i wished i could throw this damn shit on the face of the teacher.
Honestly, i hated my Primary as much as possible.
I even refused to even remember it....
it was one of my darkest time..
sometimes in my life, i wished i could have start my life all over again.
i've been so humiliating.
Every adults look at me and used a very happy tone to call me "fatty"
i had to pretend like i dunno the meaning
and never give a god damn.
DARN!
it hurts in fact!
i mean, i was like ZERO confident because of that!
i even thought of suicide!!!!!
(yo!饭岛爱！i agree, everyone have moments that they feel like suiciding!)
its really sad. Everyone pinch your face,hand,lap...every single inch..
they made me feel guilty whenever i eat.
SHIT
i was so sad..WAS
i than learned to arm myself,
instead if being hate,
i took the initiative to hate others FIRST!
so, i don't have close friends.
Check those in touch closely with me right now,
NONE if them were my friends in kindergarten nor the early high sch times.
I armed myself with lotsa horns..(no, michelle siah,i wasn't horny)
I hate trying beautiful dresses even i love it so hell much.
i pretend like i wanted to be lil' boy and then, i found a way out.
i just pretend to be too cool to talk and pretend like not giving a damn on those bitch mouths who just wouldn't let me go!
FUCK YOU! you honestly think i feel so good being fat izzit?
being teased, being laughed, being boy court, being ignored, being unlikable, being unadorable at all!
everyone pinch me as if they were pressing the door bell----A MUST WHENEVER ENTER
FUCK YOU!!!FUCK YOU HELL MUCH!!!!FUCK YOU TO THE FUCKIN HELLLL!!!!!
do you know how hard i try to not cry every night?
I cried a lot of times! i hate myself, BUT what to do, no one cares, they only see the unlimitedly-growing-to-the-side body!
I don't like it as well, but can i cut it out and sell?
can i stop eating and it will eventually shrink?
why must you all be such a busybody?
i dont need you to remind me how UGLY i am..
can you please kindly leave some space for my self esteem?
i was badly hurt, have you ever come to me and talk to me softly?
NO!!
because you're the one who cut on my once-fragile heart AGAIN AND AGAIN!!
do you know what's the feeling seeing other lil girls turing round and round in beautiful dresses?
it was like a slave seeing a princess!
Just because i'm fat, i'm destined to be the fuckin slave!
i have to work, i have to help moving stuffs here and there,
i have to run up and down, delivering messages and drinks but not the others,
because i'm the only FATTY....
NO ONE cares bout how hard i had to work to earn an equal respect like the others.
everyone looked at me in a pitying sight and turn to my mum:
"yoorrr, how come she so fat huh?"
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
i have to smile and greet you good moning aunty, and that's how you reply?
FUCK WHAT I SAID,IT DON'T MEAN SHIT NOW!!!
i can never forget those days where everyone greet me with a BIG ? about my ever-growing weight and sizes.
once you hurt, it will leave a scar!
moreover i was repeatedly hurt for years!!!!!!!!
okay, people who are reading,
you might wonder
"what's so big deal?just reduce your weight and then settle!"
you really think we FAT people never thought so?
but, there is always a but behind a sad or ANGRY story!
i know it might seem a lil......self slapping
BUT i still wanna say,
I TRIED A LOT BUT FAIL.(okay, say whatever you like, i dont care)
but i m still on the search,
i am always on the search,
but i dont really want a life with being slim as sole aim!
i want a lot of things! see my list of aim on the top right?
FINE, you will never see it, SEPET!
i've made a lot of efforts to transform myself from a ZERO CONFIDENT,NAIF lil girl, to a covering up actual sex to be not so hurt boyish girl and NOW, the one who is still on the search of the definition of life and do lotsa rude words in a blog post....like this, "FUCK IT!!!! 凸"
i once said, i really appreciate and like myself.
but i once also said, i HATE who i am right now!!
i guess its because i still have lotsa problems to be solved,
for example my weight? 凸
here's my advice to those in problem of FAT like me,
"meet head on over your weight, don't avoid seeing it or telling it. use all might of you to LOVE yourself, pamper yourself once in a while, this is the one and only life, there is no such thing as REWIND in real life!"
and to those who have kids or friends with this problem,
STOP CALLING THEM FATTY!!!
they are fat, but their heart is of their fist only!
i curse those who did this to their friends and kids!
you will suffer the same problem one day!
RUIN OTHERS SELF ESTEEM, you never know how hard it is to rebuild one, it takes years and chance, have you heard of people killing themselves because they felt no existence needs! how sad is that? skinny people have their problems too, like us fattys, so if weren't in this category,
HA~! you're nothing!!! you never know the feeling of being sad and how to hold up everytime, ONE DAY IN THE NEAR FUTURE, you will find your ass getting wide, wider wider wider wider,like tis
( | )
wide
(____|____)
wider
(_____________|_____________)
wider and wider and wider~~~
you got a fat ass
you got a fat ass!!!
冏
here's the theme song of the post, ENJOY YOU FAT ASS YA~~~
一生绝胖（改自：一生绝望-洪俊扬）
（小孩不胖！）
我们肆无忌惮
我们成群结党
我们目无尊长
对什么事都不满
看著我们的成长
只会制造麻烦
我们就是一无是处看你又能怎样
我们don't give a damn
那看不起的眼光
我们什么都不是
我们什么都不管
我们之间为什么会
渐渐地没有语言
我们之间有道墙
学校老师束手无策
父母臭骂我们不会想
这个社会的标准已经超出了
我们这年纪的有限想象
只认定排骨精
就一定是好孩子的榜样
别以为看不起我们
就告诉自己比人家瘦
有多少人关心我们
为何会变肥无法停止
又有谁会替我们想想
苹果为何会变烂
其实我们也曾努力
要争取所有人的称赞
扪心自问你们究竟
给了我们多少希望
泪水已经流干
前途也很渺茫
迷失的灵魂
我们应该怎么办
惩罚我们就是堂皇的协助成长
然后让我们一生绝望
有些人幸运天生没有战场
我们一出世就是自己孤军作战
站在十字路口的风雨中呐喊
不要让我们一生绝望
泪水已经流干前途也很渺茫迷失的灵魂我们应该怎么办惩罚我们就是堂皇的协助成长然后让我们一生绝望有些人幸运天生没有战场我们一出世就是自己孤军作战站在十字路口的风雨中呐喊不要让我们一生绝望
