那一年的蓝天，狗一样的岁月

这些人那些人，陈升

他們說你已經離開這城市

也不再屬於那城市

他們說你已經離開這些人

就不再屬於那些人

終於我們都尋找到自己

終於

我們都尋找到自己

啦啦啦

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寻找自己。寻找自己。

Dr. Dylan离职前最后的访谈说的那段话，总是在我的脑袋里打转。什么是摇滚，什么是每个人挂在嘴边的rock and roll？没有人答得比他好。提倡了摇滚数十载的一个老dj，离职前娓娓道出他多年的信念，如果是几年后，我还能记得现在的我，未来的当初，我会被自己感动不已。

时至今日，依然有人会问我什么是摇滚精神。这个问题，我回答了三十几年。回想起来，来来去去还是那几句并不难难说的话。独立精神、抗拒建制、自由、爱、勇往直前。其实何止摇滚乐，我们做人不是应该就是这个样子吗？

做人，不就是这个样子吗？

坐在课室里，我身边尽是临考的压力和光阴的飞逝。我一直坚持的原则是，书要念，生活还是要过。我们要学会在每一样人生的任务之中找到平衡。我想要证明的，不是人有无限的潜能。我想要证明的，是这个世界上并没有所谓冲突的两件事，你想要一边吃饭一边杀人基本上还是有很大的可行性。

我真的厌倦了老师每天施加的压力，我不需要压力。我自己清楚我要的是什么，我有我自己的方法去得到。我真的不要那样寒窗苦读，凿壁偷光。每个人对每个人的人生有不一样的期许，我想要的，是快乐。我并不觉得，穿的很专业，赚得很专业，长得很专业，就是我要的快乐。我的快乐可以很廉价，廉价的随处可得。可能是雨后的淡淡彩虹，可能是清晨陌生人的微笑，可能是小贩中心安静的一个角落，更可能只是一个角度刚好的阳光折射。这么样廉价，所以随处可得，所以人容易快乐。如果你善于观察你身边的小故事，你会意外收割到很多的野生幸福。就象攀在斑驳墙壁上的藤蔓，远着看是那么的缠绕不堪毫无规章，可就近看，你会看见盘根错节的藤蔓彼此羁绊，彼此依靠，甚至于，造就了老墙壁独有的沧桑。

今天我，坐在青春的后节车厢，静静看着那些刚刚上车的后人。当初，我也和他们一样大声喧哗的大步往前，觉得自己有的是时间挑自己的位置，所以摆姿态摆高了就往前去。一直到这所谓青春列车的最后一节车厢，才发现，再长的火车都有所谓的最后一节车厢。我猛地回头，一切为时已晚，新的乘客已经挤满走道，我出不去了。错过的，硬生生错过了。我狼狈的把自己任意的塞在一个空的位置上，在最后一节的车厢。身边是一个沉默的老先生，他给我一个过来人的眼神，示意我看向窗外飞快而过的景观。一老，一少，我们彼此看着窗外。他手里有一张车票，没有验票员钉过得孔，呵，青春的列车需要什么验票员？没有人会逗留过站，因为青春的列车只载人，不放人。我们就这样困在青春的列车，一切就如窗外的景物那般快速前进，每个多久，我们醒在一张稍微熟悉的床上，机械性的连贯动作。某个瞬间，我们还会记起那青春列车上的故事，但这样的时候将会越来越少。我们越来越专注在办公桌上，把所有非工作的思绪耸耸肩，抛掉。

久而久之，我们忘了那个霸道的列车。忘了，我们下错站了。就这样，似乎顺其自然，但其实另有隐情的，投入生活。把过去当成一场梦，把未来当作办公桌，不停的消耗我们的当下。

狗脸的岁月啊！属于我们的梦都要飞翔。看是你抓紧它一起飞，还是它轻振双翅，飞离你。

不是艺术家摇滚乐团当总统征服宇宙才叫梦想

只要是你闭上眼睛，所能想到的微笑，那都是梦想

这么致力于保护自己的梦想的我，却还是胆怯的在这里一再发表宣言，就怕自己会忘记，会忽略。我不要变成自己鄙视的大人。所以，我一直重复性的告诉自己，在每一个心灰意冷的角落，在每一个看不到前方的大雾，我都这样告诉自己。

我拙劣的唱着陈升的“狗脸的岁月”，一路往夕阳落下的方向走去。夕阳拉长了我的影子，长长的，链接着我的当下和我的过去。我不知道我的未来在哪里，但没关系的，我不也这样走过来了吗？生命会自己找到出口，答案是比问题还要提早存在的。也许，我只需要再多一点点的耐性，还有缘分。

“狗脸的岁月啊～ 没有人可以停止成长～单纯的阿呆心里很不明白～ 年轻的身躯为何要有这么大的梦想～ 狗脸的岁月啊～ 属于我们的梦都要飞翔～ 我只想要回老家～ 去看我的爹娘～ 你的virgin island在哪里～ 闪亮的天空为什么蓝得叫人心疼～ 他说他要去一个地方 ～ 会赚很多钱～ 不然就永远不回来～ 啦啦啦～～～～”

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如果你信我，去听听陈升的歌。

他给我随意的感觉，就像生活那样随意，

也像卢广仲。

好像什么都好，但其实内里的伤，你看不到。

生活总是充满了那么多的未知数

生活总是充满了那么多的未知数

  

 

每天放学后我在车子里数着日子，

跟着长长的车龙慢游到家门口。

像只鱼，很沉默，也不需要多说些什么

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这星期接连的和亲菇一起外出，那么的频繁，差点就忘了我们不再是昔日那般孖公仔的同窗了。一起吃东西，一起看电视发表演艺评论，一起瞎聊到睡着，一起在图书馆做功课，一起迷路，一起狼狈的吃晚餐。

如果真的可以，我们真的希望，有可以从中学直升的大学。要真是那个样子，我们应该还是那么幼稚的快乐着过着浑浑噩噩的日子，廉价却无比幸福的挥霍着青春

当我变成长长的车龙里一个机械式的存在，等着下一个绿灯，等着下一轮车辆流动，我会常常看着遥远的地平线发呆。与我天各一方的人那么多，即使科技再发达，我还是无法兑现无时无刻的陪伴，我还是无法在需要我的人彻底崩溃的时候给他来个强劲的拥抱，不论它是在哪一个寒冷的国度我都无法实在传递我的温暖，只能冀望简讯里头冷冰冰的字眼足以引发每个人内心的温暖自我解馋。

 

 

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当我跟亲菇说起我真心的执着，我得到的是一份理解

当亲菇跟我说她的读书态度似乎备受抨击，我说我也是

我们一起说着我们的满腔不满与委屈甚至是不甘心，不需要彼此鼓励，因为彼此知道彼此都有坚持下去的能力和勇气，我们需要的很多时候不是开导和方向，我们只是需要发泄。把垃圾情绪完全挥发，我们就可以再次清空，甩甩头发大步的往下一次见面走去，即使那个背影是那么孤单，即使那眼里尽是翻滚的眼泪。

有时候，我也收到来自阿美的迷茫。她常常很迷惑，觉得似乎自己一直在不停的打转，然后自己就极尽所能的在那样的圈圈里让自己快乐，让自己一步一步地发现生活。

即使，作为好朋友的我们离得那么远，遇到的问题和困惑还是那么相像。也许是我们的个性使然？但我们彼此的个性却也不见得相像。可能，是我们的态度吧。我们曾经以那样的态度快乐逍遥了2年的中学，并且都喜欢一样的写意人生。也因为这样，同样的态度，引发同样的疑惑。我们永远都在问的问题是，为什么要这么执着呢？在我们开来，很多事情的坚持其实是不必要的吧？为什么我们不能就心安理得的以自己的兴趣过日子，并安心立命的处在一个比上不足比下有余的灰色地带？为什么，我们非得那么拼命，非得那么用力的牺牲所有我们的珍爱？

我从来不曾为自己的烂成绩而有所自卑，因为我总是坚信上学的日子不应该只是读书。增长知识还包括了待人处事的道理。我始终认为，很多老师鼓吹的，说我们作为学生应该摒弃一切娱乐专心念书，待改日出人头地之日才来享受也不迟。我觉得这个错了。

人生短短几十年，你甘心就这样把十几年的时间完全涂上黑白的枯燥乏味吗？也许若干年后你会做在金字塔顶端享用着最高品位的生活，可你心里一定有那么一道若有似无的遗憾。因为你不知道什么是青春期的叛逆。

其实叛逆，是寻找自我的第一步。叛逆，因为你不想做一个接受命令的机械人，从这里，可以触发你去思考究竟你要的是什么。

“究竟你要的是什么？”

这么简单的一个问句，很多人，真的很多人，是答不上来的。

也许因为他们不曾去思考，

也许他们从来就是被淹没在人群里不需要过分彰显自我的得过且过着

 

we all live in a yellow submarine

已经是星期五了，星期四就这么过完了

我真的，很感恩。
有人让我想要和盘托出
有人能够了解我的想法
有人。

我好喜欢今天，好喜欢前天

我只想要一直哭一直哭到雨停
我喜欢我的朋友
我喜欢，我可以在车子上把我的思绪翻箱倒箧
然后随意拿起一些来说，来聊

同学们爱说我不懂得主动接触陌生人
也许是我不够勇敢，也许我就是扭扭捏捏的娘炮
也真的有可能，我已经拥有了我梦寐以求的一切
我只想专心守护我现在所有的，不想再添加些什么

当有一个人自然的知道你脆弱的时候需要的是陪伴而不是口若悬河的安慰
当有一个人给你打电话而你只要一听到她的声音你就会崩溃大哭
当有一个人可以明白你真心而顽固的执着并义无反顾的陪你相信
当有一个人是，你最好的朋友

想海绵宝宝和派大星那样的好朋友
单纯而不矫情，深厚而不浮夸
了解而不怀疑，自然而不做作

开心了大家一起捕水母
伤心了大家一起嗑冰淇淋
无聊了大家一起虚度光阴

我跟青菇说我近乎无聊且颇具危险性的坚持
我说我不要牺牲我的生活
我不想相信教授的，我不要像别人那样完全自我隔离一整年念书
念书是长知识，不需要与世隔绝的
我说我要证明给教授看，不一定十年寒窗才能一举功名
我要证明，·生活要过，书要念，日子要享受，
这些，本来就不冲突滴！

跟亲菇聊起中学的日子
数着那些不再来往的人们
想念着那些遥远的朋友们

我还是在想，如果这真的只是一场梦
我终究会醒在中学的桌上
流了一桌子的口水
迷迷糊糊的跟同桌说我发了一场好长好长的梦
同桌可能会纠众取笑我，然后我会告诉他们这些梦
那样，我们是不是比较会珍惜？

故事的情节，来不及全改变，告诉我要怎么回到从前
也许是否如果不曾拥有，一个人一双手的自由
                                                                                         --摩登新人类

跟朋友在一起，即使是摊在沙发上看电视也可以很快乐
亲爱的上帝，谢谢你，给我留了朋友
即使你把我其他的东西都拿走了
就把我的朋友留下就好了

我所认知的友谊就是一如现在一般
互相羁绊，低调扎实
不需要刻意模仿别人，当我在我的朋友们面前
我单纯的随心所欲，不担心别人怎么看
只一味地做让自己开心的事情

而若果友情并不是我所认知的一般
那么那样的友情，我不要也罢

岁月就像一条河，左岸是无法忘却的回忆，右岸是值得把握的青春年华，中间飞快流淌的是年轻隐隐的伤感。

That's life, the way it is.

how's your day? mine was a lazy one.
being it a public holiday, all i did was have a heart-talk with my laptop
finally its home, fresh and clean.
like this:

and today is the day tsunami pulls a comeback for us
it hit Acheh in the afternoon around 4

i felt the shake this time, in BM.
at first i saw the computer shaking and i thought it was my headache
then i grabbed on the chair which i feel the tiny shake of the chair as well

honestly, earthquake wasn't the first thing to pop out
more like, i expected it to be some giant stuffs moving near my house
im thinking stuffs like...strike of zombies
i even imagine how it would be like if the zombies move their tank along
like, what i've read in those JiuBaDao's novel

until my mum asked me bout anything shaking
cause she is on the sofa and she felt the shake

i replied yes and she conclude that it should be earthquake in Indonesia again

i tweet bout that 15 seconds experience of shake
and friends text me bout the shake they have in their homes
chingu was in the car and she felt nothing
i think she initially thought i was trolling her or so

lol. bad history i have on her. those #OnlyBestFriendsGetIt stuffs

most people updated bout their own experience on those social sites
and i was shocked by the amount of people evacuated from those malls
seeing them standing outside of the mall got me wonder,
"HOW DID THEY FIT THIS AMOUNT OF PEOPLE INSIDE?"

then parents came home saying that most malls evacuated and called it a day

the evening news were flooded with repeated details from the internet
except i need not load those videos

everyone looks worried, i think i spot some people crying
and they are malaysian
they are at the background of interviewees
and they all looked at a direction and cried
i dont understand! #WhatKindOfSorceryIsThis

okay. enough for the facts.
(btw, this is the way im expected to write in my exams. lay out the facts given,
align them the way you needed, followed by your thoughts--see below)
---> Hardworking enough to blog like exam answers #LikeAStudent

everyone was worrying bout tsunami
and people are all leaving malls
making massive jam in the car park

i wasnt really sure about the hit of earthquake
i dont even know how life is Acheh is
but i felt helpless

at the moment when the tiny shake was on my laptop
it didn't go all #dramalogic where i have the urge to call my love ones
well, dont blame me. im blessed to be born in malaysia
where i hardly worry bout nature disaster
the most devastating nature disaster i had could be rain that causes flood

and i started sitting there and wonder how would people in Acheh feel
supposing their communication network may be affected
and those photos of people crying in front of destroyed home all popped up
imagine women who holds their mouth and look all helpless

it might appear hipster-like but im still saying this
i felt some deep sadness and helpless inside of me
i went speechless for a while after massive tweets of whats going on
lying on the sofa which was shaking
watching people saying how they escaped from the house in penang
......what about acheh?

could a series of disaster-scene-people-sad-and-helpless occupy the following days newspapers?

and some people are raising the topic of 2012-world-end-mayans story

all i did was sit there and did my own thinking

i believe things happen for a reason
and by reason, i mean it leads to somewhere
NOT SCIENTIFIC REASON

you know, its public holiday today
everyone should be with their loved ones spending the days
and the shake was too tiny to cause damage
its more like a sign where god wanted you all to go home
just stay where you belong

nothing in particular, just, this reminded me of how blissful it is for one to be at home
like those serious-case patients always dreamed to die in their own home
most of the time, they are barely sober,
just, you never forget the feeling of home
when you're home, you need not prove it, you will automatically feel it

i kinda feel a sneaky fortune when i realize i could have been out with friends today
and i will be stuck in the situation which i hated the most --> the human sea

its been kinda ritual that we don't like hanging out during public holidays
cause these days, things got unacceptably expensive
and crowd will kill your interest to do anything
there would hardly be places for you to sit down and catch ups

UNLESS thats the only option we have
or we usually strike it off our list

plus, public holidays are the time where you get to be with families
when people who works would stay home
and everyone gets a break from their usual routine

in my house, parents would lie in the living room
fight over us for the television

so. yea. thank goodness i need not stay stuck in the crowd.

AND

during the whole happening
everyone was sending regards to everyone
#Faith-In-Humanity-RESTORED

we weren't that cold-blooded after all.

"Whatever you're doing right now, take a break and think of those people in Acheh. Then, get back to reality, being a more thankful person"

seriously, never take anything for granted
you always get what you're worth for
when you act like a bitch, then more bitches you will get
some call this karma,
saw call this "i wanna play a game"
and me? that's life, the way it is.

doing better?

my laptop screen has been in a diva mode for quite sometime
the screen is line-dancing at the bottom part for.......a long time.
yesterday, could it be too tired or something, it shivers.
the area of line dancing covers 97% of my screen
with naked eyes, it actually looks more like shivering
but i understand my laptop, that's line dancing.

urm and i officially got a new nephew yesterday and a new niece today.
well, im excited cause to me, its like getting 2 new everlasting toy.

******************************************



i went to sushi king for that RM2 sushi bonanza thingy on monday
after a long day of P2 consolidation lesson

what freaks me out is that the sushi sucks
rice aint rice, sashimi aint no sashimi, unagi...taste like a fuckin cold ice

at first i thought it was my problem
for P2 class is hardly a joyful thing

whatever.
i hardly get the mood to eat after classes
those classes effortlessly made me feel like the dumbest creature in the world
its like, i feel like scratching my hair off and yell at myself.

before all these, i was someone who wouldnt stress out
but now, all i ever wanted was some quality sleep

those nights that i'd stare at the stars and free imagination?
they are gone. since dont know when

every single day, im afraid of something
every single day, im speechless to everything

if i quit tweeting, i think my brain will get over-loaded
i have thoughts in my mind, but i wasnt that keen to tell out anymore

these days, im bringing my own lunchbox to school most of the time
i got frustrated of eating the same food everyday
leaving the air-conditioned class, exposed under extreme hot sun with almost boiling temperature
and back to a freezing class with massive brain usage required

wtf. im sick of it.
plus, my lunchbox tastes good.

so most of the time, i will stay in the class, alone
finish my lunch slow and enjoyable, #likeasir

actually i came it here with something i'd like to blog about since last week
but im so not used to the not-my-laptop's keyboard
plus, the chinese input software aint my usual one

lets just pray i'd get my laptop back soon.

as a sneak peak, the topic i wanted to blog was actually some inspiration i got the other day
well, last week i went to this tesco after school to get the last 2 mcdonalds spongebob toy
since its after class, and its actually the last day of class for that week
i took my own sweet time wandering around the groceries to see what i can use for my lunchbox
as i was lining up at the cashier, there's like 4 foreign workers ahead of me
they werent buying much, but insisted to pay separately,
like, each paying once with his own goods

the last foreign worker right in front of me was rather quiet, compared to his mates
he didnt talk much, instead he silently put on those stuffs for the cashier one at a time
if i were his mates, this is the type of person that i'd bully

finally its his turn to pay, he flashed out his wallet,
which is where im strike with the so-called inspirations

the purse look rather new, like something you get from pasar malam
at around rm5-rm10.

and inside the purse, its empty, except money.
like a few RM10 notes and thats all.

take out your own wallet and just glance through!!
what do you have?

identity card? driving license? random member cards?
debit/credit card? atm card? name cards?
movie tickets? crashed receipts?
syiling? pictures of you love-ones?
many more.....

but look what he's got

only money,which is considered rather less for me.

when you're outside working
and you have an empty wallet
its like a reminder that,you're here for money
you have no family and friends and home here to support you

just fuckin work and send money back home.

this is life man, this is real life.

nothing like teen-drama where there's always a rich people to the rescue
no. in life, you are all by yourself.
it isnt cruel, it is just the way it is
you are the one who expected too much.