不经意的偶尔

回来将近一个月的时间
我却貌似除了跑来跑去，什么也没干

在美国马不停蹄的日子里，
我不止一次在梦中梦见已经回到家里的自己
每一次，都是同样的一个梦

梦里，
我抱着双脚在下午懒洋洋的热气中，
坐在房间的地上，静静的看着在美国陪我东奔西跑的大背包
大背包鼓鼓的，我也不知道里边装了什么
房间的地上满满的散落着那些旅行的东西

那是一个很长的梦
但梦里边，我除了偶尔抬头看着窗外透进来的光
就是低头盯着那个大背包，就像静候着一只恐龙会从里边探出头来

就是这样一个索然无味的梦，
一直到手机闹铃把我拉回现实
然后我又睡眼惺忪的一跃而入那生活的匆忙



你问我吧，那梦境代表的什么？
我也说不清，是想家吗？还是只是想逃进家里寻常的平静？

若果非得选一个，我会说是后者。


我很少会执着以我的梦境背后的意思
我相信所谓的梦大多数是大脑意识和潜意识的碰撞

可当我连续好几次做了一模一样的梦
我开始在想，究竟是不是我的潜意识正在努力的告诉我些什么
而我的表层意识却不停的压抑呢？

而我的潜意识，想说的究竟是什么？

回来后的我，也不曾模仿梦境中的那一幕

我只是在不经意间偶尔会想起这件事情

不经意

偶尔






还是会在某一个生活的缝隙猛地记起旅行的某个画面

还是会，傻傻的对着回忆憨憨的笑着

然后招一招手，说，
“嘿，好好玩啊”


某一部分的李佳恩，被我刻意遗忘在那些梦一样漂亮的地方
等我下一次踏上旅途去把他们捡回来

皆因我们曾经荒唐过

在生活的纷扰中，你会不会有那一个个缝隙，
让你停下来，抬头望，淡淡的说着如果有一天

我一直找机会好好的检视自己
可是一直都在忙着一些事情

真的找机会坐在电脑面前的的时候
却又发现自己脑袋里的画面五彩缤纷的让人手足无措

日子很快，一切开始，一切结束
就象转瞬间的事情
而时间，就一直推着我往前去

不得不承认，这一趟旅程回来
真的改变了某部分的自己

感性点说，我觉得自己比较懂得珍惜了吧

走了一圈的陌生，
好像稍稍明白也接受了 “千古兴亡多少事，悠悠。不尽长江滚滚流”

即使现在回头探望四个月前的自己
都会不免俗的觉得自己其实一直都在改变
因为别人不经意的一句话
因为生活中的一件事

一直，都努力的想当更好的人，对吧？

我在麦当劳工作的，那一段最黑暗的时期，
我找到了自己的答案
那个时候，就象在地底挖得灰头土脸的矿工找到了钻石一样
我开心了好久，好久好久

然后重新收起我的迷茫，迫不及待的开始我的从容

但事后，我还是想起了《堕落天使》里的那一段对白，
“但你年轻的时候，以为什么都有答案，可是老了的时候，你可能又觉得人生并没有所谓的答案”

我说不上来是什么感觉
只是一直淡淡的，若有似无的想着这句话




有的时候，我被自己的好强害得体无完肤
因为好强，所以不管是害怕，是想躲起来，我都会往肚子里吞
不会觉得委屈，而是觉得自己应该还要更强一点

我不喜欢开口求助

我记得麦当劳的同事问过我，
“Have you ever asked for help?"

我一时没有多想，就糊弄过去了

后来，客户群静下来的时候，另外一个同事跟我聊天
她说，她觉得我可以不要把自己搞得那么累

我记得有好几个星期，我睡不好也吃不好
乱七八糟的时间表把我弄得很狼狈
每天追赶着下一次值班的时间

有一晚，又是值夜班
我把最后一张单子送出去，满脸笑容的跟客人说再见，
转过身，满足的喝着汽水

胖子和地下经理在runner台看着我，
我一如往常不管他们，
一直到胖子突然开口说
"kahinn, you are tired."

我怔住，然后很无语的看着他

他接着说，
"you are! you look so tired!"

我也不知道在g’ng什么，就很大声地反驳说
“NO I AM NOT!"

结果胖子和地下经理很认真地说
”yes you are, i know you, that is a tired face"

我们继续讨论了一下，但我也实在没有精力去多想

后来我和好朋友一起当值的时候，她问我，
"Are you tired? I see they are fucking your schedule, I mean, if you don't want to, just tell them, don't push yourself too hard! They are too much! We will cover you"

我的心里很感动，好朋友是我真心喜欢的好人
她总是跟我聊很多事情，用最平实的关心让我感动无比
原本她很早就打算辞职，后来她说如果她辞职了，我的工作时间表会更夸张，
所以她决定留到我离开才辞职

只有她的值班我会愿意无条件的留下帮她cover，
在她找不到人帮她看着孩子而迟到的时候，
我永远都会留到她出现的时候，才离开

我常常挂在嘴边的话是,"I love overnight!"

因为只有值夜班，我才能够感受到人情味
因为只有值夜班，我才能和这些善良的人们交流攀谈

在他们身上，我学会朴实的关心

我喜欢他们偶尔的问候
我喜欢他们出其不意的对你好
我喜欢他们纯天然的交友态度

我喜欢，这些我从来不曾发现的，
一个人应该要有的，美好的，个性

我希望，我也能变成那样子的人




因为这一群人，让我的那一段日子多了很多很多的，色彩


我喜欢遇见不一样的人，
而当这一群人跟我交朋友，我感觉到无比的荣幸


我在他们身上学到的，还有一种做自己的坦然

好朋友今年21岁，是两个孩子的妈妈
没有结婚，跟孩子的爸爸保持友好的关系
她总是很开心的说着她两个小孩的日常生活
我也总是很开心的听着，享受着那种闲话家常的朴素

地下经理的生活相对的比较多灾多难
坐过牢，做过无数兼职，有一个女儿要养
但因为他做过无数兼职，所以他有五花八门的常识
他习惯一边拆机器，一边跟我聊其他同事有多白痴

胖子和我同龄，不择不扣的未成长
我常常对着他吼"GROW UP!~"
他也从不客气地回到"I DONT WANT TO!"
他常常像小男孩一样跟我们聊他的网恋女朋友
也常常像大人一样跟我分析各种形式的问题


曾经，我每天都跟他们胡闹着打哈哈
其实心里一直在倒数，离开的那一天
现在已经离开了，离开好久好久了

一开始就知道自己终究会离开
离开也一如预期来的很快

心里当然有着不舍，但却是已然有所准备的不舍

我常常会想起重庆森林里的那一段话，
“不知道从什么时候开始，在什么东西上面都有一个日期，秋刀鱼会过期，肉罐头会过期，连保鲜纸都会过期，我开始怀疑，在这个世界上，还有什么东西是不会过期的？”



每一次想起这些王家卫的东西
我就会仿佛隔着玻璃看间很老很老的自己沉默的观望着
一种非常沉默的观察，努力的嗅着

很多很多年以后，那个很老很老的自己，
嘿，你好吗？

人生总有这么一个阶段，

一个做什么也快乐的阶段，

一个说什么也真诚的阶段。

笑他们，皆因我们曾经荒唐过，

爱他们，皆因我们曾经甜蜜过。

-六楼后座

思考，生命

Point of no return

I dreamed a dream in times gone by

When hope was high

And life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid

And dreams were made and used and wasted

There was no ransom to be paid

No song unsung

No wine untasted

  --  I dreamed a dream, 

Les Miserables

。

。

。

。

。

。

I have a dream; my dream is to travel the world.

On December 2012, the very moment of the rumored the-end-of-the-world, I board a long flight, flew half way across the earth, settled down in a little place in the giant America. 

And that little place, is called Camp Hill.

It all started in a small little basement. For months, I refer to that place as a home, which being those who live in there, are thereby my family. 

There are eight of us, four boys and four girls.

The first night upon my arrival, I met Sabrina and Cheryl, both in their pyjamas. A week after, I met the boys. I was on shift, wiping trays like usual at the counter, when they were brought in and we awkwardly said hi. Days later, Yimeng reached. 

With that, characters are all set, and we are ready for a story. A story, that carved so deep in my memory that made me a total different person with whom I could have been without these lil’ part of memory.

We have been through many chapters together. Living together, cooking together, from chattering to gossiping. We would shoulder each other in picture taking, we would do funny poses that only we understand. 

We’ve been through Christmas, New year, Chinese New Year, Homesick, struggles, laughters, goodbyes, and even more goodbyes.

And the screen slowly blackout, we are seen on different pathway heading all different directions. 
We smiled, we hugged, we said goodbyes. 
We gave the best wishes and we reminisced the good old jokes.

“No pickle No onion!”

“SERVE IT!! SERVE IT!!!”

“hey!”………………..“I just met you?”

“OH MY GAWD”

“what is your problem?”

“racismo!”

“Owhhh! Zhe yang shi ma?”

“OLA!”

“Call me”………………. “maybe?”

“RRRRRRRrrrrrrrrriimonda”

“Po-Ta-Tooooo”

“You miss me?”

“Where is Manuel?” …………. “Nobody knows”
“HAR! who didn't wash the plate?”.......“oh! cheryl the mum is scolding again”
(when we met in NewYork)“TITI!! you forgot your chicken breast!!!”

The morning where Cristian left, we woke up real early to say goodbye.

It didn’t strike me much until days later, I suddenly realize he is now one of the people that I might not see for the rest of my life. As much as he remains a friend, I may not see him for the rest of my life and it is just weird because we used to see each other every single day! I guess, that is the point I started thinking about goodbyes between us, the eight of us.

The night before Christian and Rodrigo left for New York, we went out for a drink with Will and Ann. 
They say that it is hard to imagine that being us who used to literally lived together will now move on to our lives without each other. I thought about it, and I secretly glanced through each of us in that really noisy bar. Everyone was laughing, talking about some nonsense, just like any other day.

All these names that I am familiar with, all these people that I took in as my family, my friends, 
we are now parted for good, we are now on different routes and can only occasionally catch up.

Sabrina, Cheryl, Rodrigo, Christian, Cristian, Manuel, YiMeng, and me.

6:15 am, Sabrina’s usual out-of-bed time. She mostly get 7am shifts, and will mostly kick off with a hot drink and some cookie, while busy on her phone.

Around that few minutes, the phone will usually ring, and it is most likely being Janice calling-in her favourite daughter, Cheryl. Sabrina will pass the phone to Cheryl, and in seconds, Cheryl will rush herself off the bed, get ready, and have her breakfast together with Sabrina. They will have some chit-chattings here and there, while finishing their cookies.

8am, healthy Christian is getting up for his tasteless but full of eggs breakfast. Could be for going to the gym, or could be going for his lifeguard job, he will be 50% awake and randomly greet whoever is awake at that particular time.

Around 830 or so, Yimeng will awake and is occupying the washroom. 
She will be in there for a significant amount of time, until Rodrigo is so fed up that he started urging her.

“Faster yimeng, I need to go to work”

That, is the usual scene of Yimeng getting ready for her 9am shifts while Rodrigo for his second job in El Rodeo.

Pass 9am, Crisitan is awake. He mostly gets 11am shifts, so he will usually start his day with his tea and laptop. Most likely, he is watching some football or whatever sports-that-boys-are-into stuffs. As much as my brother is one of this kind, I can never understand a thing of those sports. Sorry.

With that, we passed the rush morning.

A quarter pass 3pm, a time of which Sabrina and Cheryl should have ended their shifts and be home. However, they are nowhere to be seen, expectedly they are asked to stay again. I dragged myself out of bed, start chopping some garlic and onions not knowing what I wanna cook exactly. I would just chop whatever I like, throw it over the stove, pour in my favourite Italian seasoning and expect miracles. As long as they are cooked, I’d eat them, I don’t care.

Around 5pm, mostly Yimeng will be home, with a small bag of cookies or drinks on her hand. She always get something from mcdonalds or the gas station opposite on her way home. She would tell me the same old story of the bitchy manager and the funny stuffs she had.

As we talk, Manuel might suddenly show up at the other end of table, all dug into his laptop, ignoring the world in his own little bubble.

I will mostly get some sleeps around 6pm for my overnight shifts.

Around 9pm, I will wake up and join the others at the house who are mostly chit-chatting at the table. They are usually with some food and I will just get a bite from each of them.

10.40pm, I said goodbye to everyone and off to work. Along with that, they will remind me to bag the leftover tomorrow morning, Yimeng will have her special order like fish mcbites and Cheryl will normally ask for cherry pie.

The next morning, I will be home with a big bag of leftovers which I will simply put on the table. They will find what they want themselves.

Took off my heavy coats, throw my bag to the floor, smelling like human French fries, I tuck myself into the bed and let the day run itself again, over and over again, for three months.

And that, is the wonderful day locked deep down in my memory bank.

A day like that, will never bechance again, never ever again.

I now learn that the beauty of memory, is the part of “never ever again”.

My dear memory, I love you.

Dear all,

We had disputes, uttered emotions, fought over the space of the fridge,

But when I hugged you, said goodbye, wished you all the best,

I am of the biggest and purest sincerity.

I wish happiness and felicity, to all of you that I may or may not meet in the rest of this life.

And I do hope that one day in the future,

We would have time to sit down altogether, have a drink or two

As we refresh our memories and reminisce these good old days

Also to brush up the bits and pieces of this story that is left in our memory by then.

-Blessings-

  

I have only been to the cinema twice in the US, once for Life of Pi and once for Les Miserables.

In Life of Pi, there is this quote that will put a lovely end to this big chapter of my memory, it reads,

“You must take life that way it comes at you and make the best of it”

I would say we weren’t given the best facilities for an astonishing memory, but somehow, being in a basement and having a tons of reason to be unhappy, we still pull it off amazingly. We make friends, we created splendid memories.

I, personally, would say that we have made the best of it, no?