it kept me wonder
was simply reminded of the law of attraction thingy..
did I outdo that during the whole work n travel thingy?
I just lose will in trusting anymore
It feels just right to curl up and read any books and call it a day.
I am losing the edge I used to have chasing behind what I want
Or is that what I want?
Since the protest, I wished I could be someone more helpful.
That night before the protest, we were at the parking lot of union hall
spraying the posters, first with me berni and jorge
and then jorge was up to something else and came luis
Then Nelson took a picture of us
and Nelson took me away to talk something, just final check on me i guess
I have been quiet, too quiet they say.
When I got back to Berni, posters are almost done.
We arranged the posters, stacking them one above another
AJ was smoking while looking
I hardly spoke to him so we barely know each other
he randomly asked me what do i study back in college?
Ironically, I am an accounting student.
He laughed for a slight bit and say, "never expected you will be doing this huh?"
yea....never.
I practically study what Andy is doing, like how to make maximum profit.
and then we went back to the office space, everyone seem to have something to keep them busy,
I sat alone beside the door, and draw stuffs...
I had a pretty complicated mind during that time
protest? no protest? speaker? I don't know what I'm doing...
I think I drew a Mcdouble..
remembering the first time Lance had me in the kitchen and taught me those basic burger stuffs
Berni came by and saw my drawings
she said she loved the rose i was drawing
I said I'd give it to her...which i didnt had a chance to eventually
I miss you Berni,
I never told you but what kept me through the journey was what you said,
"the idea of protest is to disturb the system"
thats the key to my thoughts that I kept still up until present
Thank you. For a real short period of time, like a few days,
I took you as an elder sister I always wished for
Thank you.
Then Jacob stood right in front of me, giving me the smile of, "ya, you will be a speaker too"
I awkwardly responded and then had a brief discussions with him and Jorge.
Until today, I reminisce into those moments.
Just some moments that I don't know how to let go?
The fact is, it is hardly that any of those moments will be re-lived again.
those group of people, it is impossible to bring everyone together again..
but those days were good
where we have pizzas and subs while talking issues
to the state department, to the press, to the public
what did that make me become?
Not long after the protest, chingulin asked me if I would wanna be involved in politics now
I said, Not really politics, but something that can help people?
like i don't know, but something more directly involved in helping the minors
I remember Nelson's expressions
when he patiently trying to talk people through their worries
and when he constantly check out of everybody by asking, "so how do you feel?"
i am never a person where people care how i feel
so i was all blunt when he asked me
i stuttered badly and end up saying..."feel..feel what? i don't really feel things.."
like what the shit am I talking?
oh and the night before protest, he is sending me off to work and have cheryl them on the car with sarah
and he had to turned around facing us and squad in the most funny or weird posture ever
and his face when he heard "whatsapp"
he went all turning his head between sarah and us while mumbling, "what apps is whatsapp?"
every single second I am with them
I can't help but ask, "how on earth did I wind up with this people here?"
how? I don't know, but i sure enjoyed that!
Like yimeng would say, 哇这比在麦当劳上班刺激多了！
.
.
.
.
.
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and back to reality, its July 9th.
What happened to me?
Nothing.
Ever since I came back from the work and travel,
I have sunk into a bottom-less valley
I am still sinking in
Do I wish for someone to pull me out?
Yes.
Do I expect that to happen?
No.
Simple as that, but I just couldn't help myself but letting my emotions go drastically up and down and even down-er
after everything that i have been through
I thought I would be stronger than this
not like this leekahinn
nothing like this
I expected a braver leekahinn
and now we are all devastated
nothing is able to attract us anymore
did the 23 year old you left with the previous leekahinn?
she shouldn't have
now get her big fat ass back on the ground and battle
your life needs her.
my life needs her.
Our life, needs her.
