As I sit in
here at my table in the office, I felt misplace.
I thought I
wanted a different job.
You know,
like a different country, different horizon, different life, different world.
I watched a
video last night about a baby getting his hearing aid for the first time.
His eyes almost
popped.
For months I
have been in a deep deep valley of disappointments, and this video worked its
way in like a little spark. For probably the first time, I saw light.
I cried. A lot.
Ever since, I realize I am a very pathetic person.
The kind
that doesn’t deserve pity.
I realize
all these struggle, started since the day I mentally die.
I forget
when, but its like my consciousness has have enough.
I wanted to
convey gratefulness and apologies to my parents.
I thank the
both of you for relentless understandings, on your rebellious daughter.
Now that I
have met more people, it strike me as of how much you have tried to be
understanding.
Its never a
reason to blame if we never grew close, its just, I felt really bad because I
ruined your chances to have a heart-felt daughter.
Sometimes, I
see my friends have these little special routines with their mums. They’d share
makeups, they’d talk about daily life, they’d share, a lot of their daily lives
with their mums. Well I don’t. And I don’t know how to.
Many people
prescribe me as unfriendly before they know me. And from there, they just don’t
wanna know me anymore. And it never had been an issue to me until I realize it
might be the same case with my parents also.
What its
like to raise your kid but never get to understand them?
I picture
raising kids like raising your own friend. You let them run their own life, but
you wish you could stay close.
Leekahinn,
why do you have to distant yourself like all the time?
Maybe its
unfair to say I never miss home, more like, I never felt that I have left.
Because it
has been pretty much the same thing.
Only
sometimes, I miss the TV at home.
But other
than that, I don’t really feel the need of a physical appearance of my home.
Its in me. And
as long as my parents are reachable through phone/ social media, anywhere, is
my home.
Sometimes,
when you are alone in a land of strangers, you feel lonely. Or Rather, I felt
lonely.
But somehow,
I talked myself through and believed that I will be a loner for the rest of my
life, and so I better suck that up.
So I shut
the fuck up, cry myself to sleep, and wake up another person, who is now
stronger and never feel lonely or scare.
I am scared
of all sort of animals, basically anything with eyes, or fur, or hair, or slimy-ness.
But if I
were to be locked in the dungeon with any of these, I wouldn’t surrender.
Life turned
me into a fighter and unfortunately, life forgot to turn off the dreamer part
of me.
Every now
and then, I picture a full frame photo, with everyone I have ever heard of or
came to know.
I like to
picture each of them at the best of their smile.
It makes me
felt like this world is probably not that bad.
I used to
label myself as an optimist. Now, I am not sure if I’m pessimist or depression.
