Ownership of my own time

Now that I feel comfortable with my pace at work, its my crapping time again.

Chinese New Year went by in a blink, such a blink that I don’t even feel it at all. Instead, my dad actually got us all out to Bangkok for CNY this year. And I got them to stay in the wonderful might awesome The Yard. Even better, Big Som Small Som still remember me. It was sucha nice family.

Now all I can think of as a getaway is a complete empty two weeks just lying in some corner of the yard doing absolutely nothing. I will pick myself up at 6 pm and have Jim’s Burger and Paper Butter alternatively. And I would sit at the coffee house of Bangkok just enjoying the feeling of complete ownership over my time.

Yes. Ownership over my time. That is what I wanted to talk about.

See this year around, I felt so much different. I began to say things like “hey I think we probably can’t meet up, because I need to have some time with my family, maybe next time I guess”.

And then be like “hey are you going back for CNY? Cause I might not, though my dad urge me to. I don’t plan to take any extra holidays, so I have to rush back on the second day and I have this big meeting the next day.”

Its as if our time is not our time anymore.

When my mum call me and first thing she did was “hey are you free to talk?”

And sometimes I had to say like, “call you back later, need to go meeting now”

How can you be ever too busy for your own mum?

But life drove us like this.

This reality made us believe that keeping ourselves busy and occupied is the way of life.

Is it though?

I am not here to share some “look at me! I lived 1938429874098 years and now I know life is supposed to be XXXX”

I only lived a humble 26 years.

But sometimes I do wonder,

So Busy, for what?

How people always say, take care of your health.

Eat on time! Sleep on time! Don’t stress! Eat healthy! Go exercise! Take a walk after meal!

And I think back to my life and be like, most of the time I am eating brunch off my working desk and then for dinner, I simply browse any cheap food and gobble.

You know what happened?

I ruined my stomach.

I think I have gastric-like symptoms.

I can’t stand hunger. I have to eat before hunger gets me.

I once had a plate of maggi goreng (DA YUM!) for dinner, and I suffered the stomach pain so hard, I thought I died.

I still remember that day, I finished that Maggie goreng and was waiting for my stomach to act up.

It started with frequent toilet visit and at one point, when I got out of toilet, the pain was so enormous, I squat down and had to crawl myself to my bed. (on a normal day, such journey took me 3 small steps or 2 big steps, yes it was that near).

It was 5-ish and I lied on my bed in the most awkward position ready to die.

I was half asleep and half awake I guess, but I know I am struggling very hard for the pain.

Towards the end, the pain slowly faded again. At some point of time, I felt like I should sit up as my stomach is aching lesser and I really want to drink something.

When I was up, it is 9.45pm.

Hours were gone before I realize I am not dead. Even death rejected me. Nice.

That day, I cried.

I felt really helpless. And I don’t know why is this happening to me and what can I do to make it stop.

I just sat there at the living room, feeling cold. I hugged my blankets and my socks and every warming items. I even turned off the fan.

Some other days, I googled my symptoms and it seems like there are some symptoms for ovarian cancer. Well, if you ever google anything about sickness, it will always be as if you are dying at that moment.

But since then I started thinking a lot. I think to what kind of treatment I have been giving my body.

And what kind of life I have gotten myself into.

It’s a bummer. Because when I withdraw myself to look at my life as a third party, I felt sorry for myself.

So much trying, so much. For what?

I can’t even promise my parents anything.

And they are constantly worried I am not eating on time.

It’s been almost 3 years since I live on my own, within 3 years, I got gastric, become even uglier, sprained my ankle and sometimes I get back pain.

Like, am I the worst person to be entrusted or what?

I was taken great care for 23 years that despite me being fat and ugly, I was ok.

I don’t get so much odd pain or uncomfortable.

I used to be a strong believer that we need to WORK HARD!

When your boss asks if anyone can stay late, we should always raise our hands and be like Hermione in all her lessons: “ME ME ME”

But now, I feel like I should totally ask “Why and until when?”

I used to think that we should work hard now, and the rest time will eventually come.

But now, no. you work, you work happily. You don’t WAIT to be happy, you just be happy.

And there is no phase in any part of life that should happy be taken out.

NO.

Happy people generate positive vibe and positive vibe brings you prosperity.

I want to have control of my own time again.

I want to be able to tell myself, leekahinn that’s it.

I don’t want to seek approval from others about my life.

Go spread the words, leekahinn is back.

And this time, she is taking everything she wants.

People may ask, do you want work or do you want your life?

While work means money and life means affection,

You smile and you tell them, why not both?

Because the real challenge ain’t about being an ice cold bitch like the devil’s wear prada,

The real challenge is about how to get everybody to work towards your goal happily,

You know, like Jack.

Jack who?

Jack Sparrow.

CAPTAIN, Jack Sparrow.

On the side note, the friendship between me and my wonderful friends have changed. And thankfully, I stopped asking why. Friendship is no longer a responsibility between us. Back then, I felt obligated (happily) that I need to see these few faces. And now, we don’t even talk that much social networking-ly.

I sometimes accidentally flip out the old conversation (thanks to my own-minded cellphone which won’t care what I clicked), I realize we would go on for months without talking.

For a year or two in life, I thought we were unseparable, I thought we are like… siblings. Well, I thought.

Yesterday, I had a strange muse and suddenly I don’t feel like crying anymore. For everytime I look back into my memories, I saw their faces and I felt so much regret and so much pain. I always end up weeping if not crying. I was bathing in this icy cold water as if Elsa just got out before me, and things slowly appear clearer like they never have before. (guess my less hate resolution is finally happening, thankyou dear god)

My friends moved on to the next stage of life, and they decided they are not taking me with them. And for what I used to thought this is betrayal, now seems like it was just choice. I was not abandoned.. I was just, not chosen.

But despite these, it doesn’t make our memories void. When we were laughing hysterically in the karaoke, when we were engaged in the same chat room for hours and was laughing like an idiot at our own bed rolling left and right, when I text them in capital letters INSTANTLY whenever I have any good news and they’d get back with genuine happiness, these were all true and still are.

Memories are life that became past tense.

I’m glad it happened.

These people made me into who I am today. They got me into dresses, heels, make-ups, and the saying “suan le ba”.

There is a saying that goes like “Everything good, shall end”.

Our friendship has changed from the close-like-shit way of friendship into hey-maybe-we-should-meet-up-sometimes-or-maybe-not kind of friendship.

It took me months to adjust myself into this.

Because I never move on, I still live as recklessly as I wanted, expecting everyone to tolerate me.

I never got into any relationship and my parents are rather open-minded over my choice to live an independent life (luckily). Mum and dad don’t make me call them daily, and they accept the fact that sometimes they don’t know the exact location of their daughter, just general whereabouts.

I am lucky, blessed, in that sense.

Previously there was a case in the Taiwan Entertainment industry. Apparently this guy has been a contracted artist or something and then he got really famous after one of the lovey dovey movie. And then he decided to cease the contract relationship with the agency and to go on his own. I’m not sure if I got the fact straight, but then it’s a story of a guy divorcing his agency. And there are these reporters going around, asking for people’s opinion (#StandardReporterMove), this particular director called 邱瓈寬 , she says “如果是我带的艺人想离开，我马上把合同撕了，心都不在了，人留住有什么意思”

I hadn’t given it much thought when I first read about this, but now, ya.

I had these best friend and yes we drifted away.

We are still friends, just we interact differently.

If I meet them on the streets, it will start with a surprising Hi.

But the fact that these people held some of my best memories, it never gets old.

We had that life, and we changed.

It’s pitiful to think I never have friendship like 一美and 茜茜. Next life maybe.

The only regret I have, is that the day all three of us sitting down for hours talking nonsense about 10years back seemed so ridiculous now.

我们差一点就见证了彼此的一个时代，但我们没有。

And I will always dedicate the song 时间煮雨to them.

―――――

亲爱的朋友，

我一直以为是我做错了什么，但现在我明白，我们总以为自己是万能的。

并不是说我做错了几件事还是做对了几件事，这个结局就会改变。

我们再也无法一如以前那样的形式交往。

但是我见着你们那么开心，我觉得挺好的。

生活让我们聚在一起，但又让我们错开。

如果真的我做过什么，那对不起，我只能道歉。

现在我很珍惜和你们的回忆，希望你们也是如此。

以前我以为我不能没有你们，骗谁呢，没有谁谁就活不下去的道理。

活着需要的是食物和水，人可以没有。

你们陪过我走过最低潮，那样挺好。

我希望，我也曾为你们的生命留下一点什么。

我释怀了。

也承认我们回不去了。

惋惜，但祝福你们。

李佳恩

―――――

真好笑，已经好多年不再有人连名带姓的叫我。

我还记得吃东西的时候，你们会毫不客气地叫嚣着我的名字叫我不要吃得狼吞虎咽。

怀念的很多，还包括了那样的毫不客气。

青春荒唐我不負你

我們手拉手也成舟

劃過悲傷河流
大雪也無法抹去

我們給彼此的印記

－时间煮雨

時間煮雨

作詞：郭敬明 落落
作曲：劉大江

風吹雨成花 時間追不上白馬
你年少掌心的夢話 依然緊握著嗎

雲翻湧成夏 眼淚被歲月蒸發
這條路上的你我她 有誰迷路了嗎

我們說好不分離 要一直一直在一起
就算與時間為敵 就算與全世界背離

風吹亮雪花 吹白我們的頭髮
當初說一起闖天下 你們還記得嗎

那一年盛夏 心願許的無限大
我們手拉手也成舟 劃過悲傷河流

你曾說過不分離 要一直一直在一起
現在我想問問你 是否只是童言無忌

天真歲月不忍欺 青春荒唐我不負你
大雪求你別抹去 我們在一起的痕跡

大雪也無法抹去 我們給彼此的印記

今夕何夕 青草離離
明月夜送君千里 等來年 秋風起

and so this is me saying farewell, 

waving goodbye.

its true. 

我们要选好姿势，当离别来临的时候才不会手忙脚乱。