I figure I
should pen something in English
Maybe
something about Shanghai?
Maybe
something about Malaysia?
Time to
time, I do think about organizing all these posts on my blog.
I have lost
the xanga ones, couldn’t afford to lose this.
…..But I
wrote so much nonsense!
I couldn’t
bear the heart to delete anything, so any attempt to organize end up a
sentimental session of me reflecting on my old self.
I resorted
to leaving it the way it currently is – only sorted by time of posting.
All those
tags I used to use, it wasn’t consistent and persistent enough to be used as
referral guide – another problem I have for myself.
My habit of
keeping a blog has been on and off since I’m 15 (counting in the xanga days)
I still have
blog entries all the way back to when I was 17, when I started using wretch.
I keep
having this vision of a post I wrote in xanga, I remember I put few words in
bold large font painted with bloody red.
Must have
been some youthful procrastination I suppose.
But wouldn’t
it be good if I could find my way back to that piece?
I’m 28 this
year. Blogging is still habitual, withstanding a continuous challenge of
finding something to write about in my dull, repetitive life of a boring adult.
(I even get into drinking tea now.. was never a coffee person, but now I’m drinking
green tea at work and sipping tea during my reading times on weekend… I don’t
want to discuss about aging, thank you)
If you tell
me from the start that I will keep blogging for 13 years and still counting, I
would be darn excited and probably blogged a bit more.. responsibly? Going
through my archives, there are times where I blogged 300 over posts in a year…
and also times where I don’t even post 1 in a months).
When I was
in college, the trend is pretty predictable, between daily and weekly.
Because I was
that free, and also, you know, youthful and naïve and…wants to be heard.
(Knowing how
little follower I had, I wonder why I even bothered trying.)
Since I
started working, I believe there really isn’t a trend to begin with.
Because I
was swept by work, adapting…. Basically the whole adult & responsibility
duo attack.
With this, I
suppose shanghai wouldn’t change much.
If blogspot
cannot be used, then I will have to figure out with some other FREE sites.
I think I
created a wordpress when I was in US (can I access wordpress in China?)? Back
then, I just got my graduation photos via email so I put up a site for that,
and I guess a huge part of me expected the whole US thing to kick start some
exotic adventure for me.
It’s still
fun… but nothing close to exotic…
Most people
wasn’t aware, but during that McDonald’s strike, we were mentioned in the WSJ.
That’s huge,
even for me now. I never got my names on Sin Chew or Guang Ming or The Star and
etc.
I jokingly
asked one of my friend at work, to try search my name with McDonald’s.
She was
shocked and in disbelief… Because I wasn’t even excited about Malaysia’s Bersih
rally then.
I still
recount the day Sarah told me that Nelson wanted me to know that he thinks I am
a badass.
I’d re-live
that again and again.
At times
when I have self-doubt, when I am losing the will to live
Being called
brave is one thing, but being called a badass, that’s another.
I have been
asked, nonetheless, that I should try manage my blog and be a blogger.
I mean.. by
conventional means, if you own a blog and writes on it, that auto-qualifies you
as a blogger
Yes. But
what people have been asking for me, is to be a famous blogger.. famous aka,
PAID.
Despite so
many successful bloggers, I was never keen at this idea.
Probably
because during my days, famous (aka PAID) bloggers are pretty. Like pretty face
trendy makeup expensive bags kind of pretty (…. Now you know the type of
bloggers I used to follow)….
In the
beginning, there are friends that would read my blog as quite a few of them
were blogging too.
Blogging was
a modern scene back then – that is before micro-blogging caught up.
We hang out
in groups, so at the end of each hang outs, everyone take home some materials
for them to blog about. So did I.
So we read
each other’s account on the same event we have been through, relentlessly.
Now that I
think of it, that was probably because we felt relatable.
Seeing
ourselves mentioned in other people’s story, let you feel your own existence.
Like, you
are someone’s friends. You both are mutually acknowledgeable as friends.
Stupid
youth.
I myself
could have been an emo kid.. with too few resources to catch the emo kid look.
So I
resorted to “expressing” like an emo kid.
Hating
everyone, talks about growing up, making old fashioned jokes like typos and
stuffs
I thought
that was being cool, heck, I thought I was cool.
Ha.
Not my
proudest moment.
All this
nonsense reason, turns out to be, me still blogging at the age of 28.
Ahh… moments
like this.
One of my
favourite post to read about, was the night of first snow in US.
I had a few
pictures along the post and I still read that again and again, to go back to
that quiet night
Snow is
falling, more like carefully floating downwards from the sky
That, was
the first time I see, touch, or better yet, to believe that snow is a magical
wonder
(see I don’t
understand what Elsa is so struggling about, dude u snow queen, if u dun wanna
use it for the gazillion wonderful leisure&fun use, you can join X-Men.
Seriously, why miserable over superpower! I be so hyped just by thinking bout
all the air conditioning cost I’m gonna save!)
There was an
anime named “5 centimeters per second”. What a name huh.
I was never
in an anime hype, I even avoid watching animations in cinemas.
I always
feel anime is somewhat lacking, because it is drawn, which means man made,
which means fake.
And yet I
was wrong. Of course I am wrong, had it be such worthless it wouldn’t have
exist in the first place, not to mention supported with huge fan base.
(Disclaimer:
I categorize Doraemon & Chibi Maruko Chan as cartoon. And cartoon is not
anime… at least not for me.)
Ok Back to
“5 centimeters per second”.
With a name
like this, I was expecting it to be a car-racing anime. I don’t understand how
my brain decide to associate centimeters with fucking race car, putting it this
way shows how stupid it is didn’t I.
Anyway, to
my shocking disbelief, I was so amazed by the scenes in 5 centimeters per
second. They are what I would like to flip out the bombastic word “exquisite”
I remember
pausing scene after scene, just to make sure I don’t miss out any part of the
piece
And just to
throw in for the record, I am surprised by the story
Mind you
that my knowledge of anime was with pokemon… So imagine me seeing the story and
be all like “THIS IS BETTER THAN MOST MOVIES!”
Ok. Serious
now.
My favourite
scene in the movie, is when it says “snow falls at 5 centimeter per second”
That was at quite
the beginning of the show.
And that
line itself pull me into a brand new anime worshipping world.
I am still
at the beginner room of anime world, scouting for varieties. Hit me up if you
have some to intro.
Anyway,
“snow falls at 5 centimeter per second”
This touches
me deeply because I once stood in the snowy Niagara Waterfalls holding my head
upwards as I watching the snow spiral down and land right on my nose. I was
mesmerized!
I always
assume snow falls like rain, fast, straight-line.
But that
day, I stood in the utter cold bitterness, the snow flakes off from the sky,
nonchalantly
It falls
much slower than I would expect, and it felt way lighter than how it seemed
I’ll never
forget such a moment. Never.
It was cold,
utterly cold, and bitterly cold. We were even advised against visiting Niagara
Waterfalls due to heavy snow. But we insisted, likely because we have paid for
the trip. Part of me even started wondering if I might be the lucky to catch a
frozen waterfall.
Witnessing
the fall up close, I think it is unlikely that the water will ever freeze. (Historically
it did though, as shown on one of the notice board). I took a few videos of the
water rushing its way to the eventual fall. Almost instantly that I tell myself
I HAVE TO visit Iguazu waterfall. As a kid that learnt swimming in waterfall
before proper swimming pool, I have a thing about seeing current of rivers deep
diving into a pool of water. Unlike a swimming pool with nice blue tiles, a
waterfall has rocks, unknown plants, and funky animals. I remember once when I
was in a waterfall near my dad’s work place, everyone started getting off water
all of a sudden and I was still enjoying my sweet time pounding around splashes
after splashes. My mum called out to me with a serious face and…I thought I am
about to be scolded for making water splashes. #AsianKidProblem As I climb out
of the pool onto the rock my mum was at, I saw a snake swam right pass where I
was. It was some greenish brown and even after seeing that, I turned to my mum
and asked “why did you call me out of there?”. My mum was like “SNAKE!!!! IN
THERE??!!! DID YOU NOT SEE???”
Ok. How did
I end up here?
Oh I was
talking bout blog then US then snow then waterfall then snake.
Right. Maybe
I should talk about keeping myself along the line.
Meh.
One thing I
always wanted to do with my blog though, is to have a theme.
Like I
wanted to do serious articles…. *more* serious, rather than “serious” by
conventional means.
More towards
a series of articles where there is a central topic
(there
really isn’t much thing to write about from my daily life)
(and then
there are times that I really want to write something)
(so having a
topic ready is easy, like writing a targeted essay vs free writing)
I used to
blog a lot in English
On the days
where Ryan Higa Kevjumba David Choi WongFuTV was a hit
Also on the
days where typing out Chinese on my work laptop was too obvious a proof for
slacking
Ah well. 我做事情就一个原则：看心情。
I can’t help
but to imagine how life would be in Shanghai.
What will I
have for breakfast?
What will I
have for lunch?
How is the
commute scene? Will I be taking more buses or train?
The first
day at work, will it be awkward?
I should
have met Claire before work start, tumpang in her place maybe even
Will we be
awkward? She sounded real nice on whatsapp and not to mention all the help and
advice she gave
But it’s me.
I have cancerous awkwardness.
And the new
colleague. They should have their own little clique since they have always been
there.
Will they be
friendly to an intruder like me?
How will
they address me? I realize most of them have an English name to go with.
Claire, Jeff, Jeffrey, Sharry, Sammi…. I don’t have that. Will they be able to
pronounce kahinn? I’m not ready to have an English name. If need be, I might
have to bust out the good old “k”. But can I just stick to the name K? Just K?
This was how some of them would call me in mcdonald’s. and then jokingly by
Sabrina & Cheryl.
Part of me is trying to say : Be normal kahinn, just be normal.
Part of me is screaming: WHAT THE FUCK IS NORMAL?!! HOW THE FUCK DO I
DO THAT!
Oh oh and their mobile internet. Will it be costly? I am quite spoilt
by the 40gb monthly data I have now, they should have equivalent if not better
right?
And my Malaysia line. The number has been with me since I was primary
6! I definitely want to keep this number though. Is there any package that can
cater to this? Like idle for 90% of the time…
Will I grow bored of Shanghai sooner than I thought? Will life be crazy
tough in there? I don’t like the feeling of beaten down. I always strive to be
the best… because I die want face. I hate it when everyone sit around and I’m
just remarked as average. This is rather contradicting, because I hate being in
spotlight too. In an ideal world, my position is that rebellious genius in a
group that don’t play along the line, but always get things done.
A bit like…. 香广男in My盛Lady.
I SAID ‘IDEAL WORLD’ OK.
Ah. What kind of honesty I have poured in this space.
Sometimes I wish this space can turn tangible, it will be my
hide-out.
Maybe so much so that I forget to come out from my hide-out.
Ever since Shanghai is knocking at the door, I began to develop a
“farewell emotion” with my surroundings
When I’m cleaning my room, I’d pause and start playing 203 by 毛不易
Of all the thunders/storms that my room has kept me out of
It’s a house I am very unlikely to visit again.
I have a vision that many years later, I’d come back to this land
that once hold me so dearly, for visits or any reason at all, the cab driver
drives past this particular building and I told him “wow I used to live here”.
While the cab driver dispassionately says “oh this place, very old building. Newspaper
say they are taking it down for safety purpose.”
The house is no longer in my view as the cab sail further into the
heart of the city, I turned to the back and try to search for a clue or
landmark to vaguely confirm the direction of the building.
It will be a raining day.
By then, I shall know, what was left behind will sprout into its own
destiny.
I always miss all the rooms that I have stayed. I hope they always have better tenants.
Funny enough, of all these houses that I have stayed since college
days, I never grow a strong bond with fellow housemates. Just never.
I must have been a difficult person, didn’t I?
Its 5:40pm now. I finish work at 5.45pm.
I have been taking a combination of buses & train as means of
commute back home. It cost a little lesser (like…60 cent less?) and I get to go
around the city in the bus. I like taking a bus. I have the habit to take a bus
from their deport station till they are back at the deport station again.
Sitting in a corner with my headphone on, gliding through the city
like I’m in some amusement park
Always fun.
Its my own way to connect with the city.
I believe every city has its own pulse. Just like human.
When you travel next time, try to sit down in the middle of a square
or plaza.
Let the noise flow around you and listen close.
Don’t say a word and just stare into emptiness.
For me, that is my favourite take away from any place I have visit.
I was inspired by the hk drama 天与地, Ah Yan is a DJ in the
drama and she would carry this hairy mic to collect sound. Be it right in the
middle of Hong Kong City or some river in the greens.
I tried recording with my handphone while I immerse myself in the
noise of the city. But my phone caught too much wind blowing sound that
everything else sounded too distant away – everything else like chit chat from
passerby, car roaming pass, the ticking sound traffic lights make, footsteps
coming towards and leaving forward, the noise of all chit chats aggregate…
Such sound is what I would often refer to, as the pulse of the city.
:)
It sure is
easier to fill pages up with alphabet instead of chinese character.
I’m at page 7
now and I wasn’t even writing anything serious – just miscellaneous ramblings!
Anyway. Im
posting this.
I basically
don’t remember that vividly what I wrote, but eh, I will read this maybe 10
years later and maybe let tears of nostalgic roll down my wrinkled cheek.
