Rainy wednesday

I figure I should pen something in English

Maybe something about Shanghai?

Maybe something about Malaysia?

Time to time, I do think about organizing all these posts on my blog.

I have lost the xanga ones, couldn’t afford to lose this.

…..But I wrote so much nonsense!

I couldn’t bear the heart to delete anything, so any attempt to organize end up a sentimental session of me reflecting on my old self.

I resorted to leaving it the way it currently is – only sorted by time of posting.

All those tags I used to use, it wasn’t consistent and persistent enough to be used as referral guide – another problem I have for myself.

My habit of keeping a blog has been on and off since I’m 15 (counting in the xanga days)

I still have blog entries all the way back to when I was 17, when I started using wretch.

I keep having this vision of a post I wrote in xanga, I remember I put few words in bold large font painted with bloody red.

Must have been some youthful procrastination I suppose.

But wouldn’t it be good if I could find my way back to that piece?

I’m 28 this year. Blogging is still habitual, withstanding a continuous challenge of finding something to write about in my dull, repetitive life of a boring adult. (I even get into drinking tea now.. was never a coffee person, but now I’m drinking green tea at work and sipping tea during my reading times on weekend… I don’t want to discuss about aging, thank you)

If you tell me from the start that I will keep blogging for 13 years and still counting, I would be darn excited and probably blogged a bit more.. responsibly? Going through my archives, there are times where I blogged 300 over posts in a year… and also times where I don’t even post 1 in a months).

When I was in college, the trend is pretty predictable, between daily and weekly.

Because I was that free, and also, you know, youthful and naïve and…wants to be heard.

(Knowing how little follower I had, I wonder why I even bothered trying.)

Since I started working, I believe there really isn’t a trend to begin with.

Because I was swept by work, adapting…. Basically the whole adult & responsibility duo attack.

With this, I suppose shanghai wouldn’t change much.

If blogspot cannot be used, then I will have to figure out with some other FREE sites.

I think I created a wordpress when I was in US (can I access wordpress in China?)? Back then, I just got my graduation photos via email so I put up a site for that, and I guess a huge part of me expected the whole US thing to kick start some exotic adventure for me.

It’s still fun… but nothing close to exotic…

Most people wasn’t aware, but during that McDonald’s strike, we were mentioned in the WSJ.

That’s huge, even for me now. I never got my names on Sin Chew or Guang Ming or The Star and etc.

I jokingly asked one of my friend at work, to try search my name with McDonald’s.

She was shocked and in disbelief… Because I wasn’t even excited about Malaysia’s Bersih rally then.

I still recount the day Sarah told me that Nelson wanted me to know that he thinks I am a badass.

I’d re-live that again and again.

At times when I have self-doubt, when I am losing the will to live

Being called brave is one thing, but being called a badass, that’s another.

I have been asked, nonetheless, that I should try manage my blog and be a blogger.

I mean.. by conventional means, if you own a blog and writes on it, that auto-qualifies you as a blogger

Yes. But what people have been asking for me, is to be a famous blogger.. famous aka, PAID.

Despite so many successful bloggers, I was never keen at this idea.

Probably because during my days, famous (aka PAID) bloggers are pretty. Like pretty face trendy makeup expensive bags kind of pretty (…. Now you know the type of bloggers I used to follow)….

In the beginning, there are friends that would read my blog as quite a few of them were blogging too.

Blogging was a modern scene back then – that is before micro-blogging caught up.

We hang out in groups, so at the end of each hang outs, everyone take home some materials for them to blog about. So did I.

So we read each other’s account on the same event we have been through, relentlessly.

Now that I think of it, that was probably because we felt relatable.

Seeing ourselves mentioned in other people’s story, let you feel your own existence.

Like, you are someone’s friends. You both are mutually acknowledgeable as friends.

Stupid youth.

I myself could have been an emo kid.. with too few resources to catch the emo kid look.

So I resorted to “expressing” like an emo kid.

Hating everyone, talks about growing up, making old fashioned jokes like typos and stuffs

I thought that was being cool, heck, I thought I was cool.

Ha.

Not my proudest moment.

All this nonsense reason, turns out to be, me still blogging at the age of 28.

Ahh… moments like this.

One of my favourite post to read about, was the night of first snow in US.

I had a few pictures along the post and I still read that again and again, to go back to that quiet night

Snow is falling, more like carefully floating downwards from the sky

That, was the first time I see, touch, or better yet, to believe that snow is a magical wonder

(see I don’t understand what Elsa is so struggling about, dude u snow queen, if u dun wanna use it for the gazillion wonderful leisure&fun use, you can join X-Men. Seriously, why miserable over superpower! I be so hyped just by thinking bout all the air conditioning cost I’m gonna save!)

There was an anime named “5 centimeters per second”. What a name huh.

I was never in an anime hype, I even avoid watching animations in cinemas.

I always feel anime is somewhat lacking, because it is drawn, which means man made, which means fake.

And yet I was wrong. Of course I am wrong, had it be such worthless it wouldn’t have exist in the first place, not to mention supported with huge fan base.

(Disclaimer: I categorize Doraemon & Chibi Maruko Chan as cartoon. And cartoon is not anime… at least not for me.)

Ok Back to “5 centimeters per second”.

With a name like this, I was expecting it to be a car-racing anime. I don’t understand how my brain decide to associate centimeters with fucking race car, putting it this way shows how stupid it is didn’t I.

Anyway, to my shocking disbelief, I was so amazed by the scenes in 5 centimeters per second. They are what I would like to flip out the bombastic word “exquisite”

I remember pausing scene after scene, just to make sure I don’t miss out any part of the piece

And just to throw in for the record, I am surprised by the story

Mind you that my knowledge of anime was with pokemon… So imagine me seeing the story and be all like “THIS IS BETTER THAN MOST MOVIES!”

Ok. Serious now.

My favourite scene in the movie, is when it says “snow falls at 5 centimeter per second”

That was at quite the beginning of the show.

And that line itself pull me into a brand new anime worshipping world.

I am still at the beginner room of anime world, scouting for varieties. Hit me up if you have some to intro.

Anyway, “snow falls at 5 centimeter per second”

This touches me deeply because I once stood in the snowy Niagara Waterfalls holding my head upwards as I watching the snow spiral down and land right on my nose. I was mesmerized!

I always assume snow falls like rain, fast, straight-line.

But that day, I stood in the utter cold bitterness, the snow flakes off from the sky, nonchalantly

It falls much slower than I would expect, and it felt way lighter than how it seemed

I’ll never forget such a moment. Never.

It was cold, utterly cold, and bitterly cold. We were even advised against visiting Niagara Waterfalls due to heavy snow. But we insisted, likely because we have paid for the trip. Part of me even started wondering if I might be the lucky to catch a frozen waterfall.

Witnessing the fall up close, I think it is unlikely that the water will ever freeze. (Historically it did though, as shown on one of the notice board). I took a few videos of the water rushing its way to the eventual fall. Almost instantly that I tell myself I HAVE TO visit Iguazu waterfall. As a kid that learnt swimming in waterfall before proper swimming pool, I have a thing about seeing current of rivers deep diving into a pool of water. Unlike a swimming pool with nice blue tiles, a waterfall has rocks, unknown plants, and funky animals. I remember once when I was in a waterfall near my dad’s work place, everyone started getting off water all of a sudden and I was still enjoying my sweet time pounding around splashes after splashes. My mum called out to me with a serious face and…I thought I am about to be scolded for making water splashes. #AsianKidProblem As I climb out of the pool onto the rock my mum was at, I saw a snake swam right pass where I was. It was some greenish brown and even after seeing that, I turned to my mum and asked “why did you call me out of there?”. My mum was like “SNAKE!!!! IN THERE??!!! DID YOU NOT SEE???”

Ok. How did I end up here?

Oh I was talking bout blog then US then snow then waterfall then snake.

Right. Maybe I should talk about keeping myself along the line.

Meh.

One thing I always wanted to do with my blog though, is to have a theme.

Like I wanted to do serious articles…. *more* serious, rather than “serious” by conventional means.

More towards a series of articles where there is a central topic

(there really isn’t much thing to write about from my daily life)

(and then there are times that I really want to write something)

(so having a topic ready is easy, like writing a targeted essay vs free writing)

I used to blog a lot in English

On the days where Ryan Higa Kevjumba David Choi WongFuTV was a hit

Also on the days where typing out Chinese on my work laptop was too obvious a proof for slacking

Ah well. 我做事情就一个原则：看心情。

I can’t help but to imagine how life would be in Shanghai.

What will I have for breakfast?

What will I have for lunch?

How is the commute scene? Will I be taking more buses or train?

The first day at work, will it be awkward?

I should have met Claire before work start, tumpang in her place maybe even

Will we be awkward? She sounded real nice on whatsapp and not to mention all the help and advice she gave

But it’s me. I have cancerous awkwardness.

And the new colleague. They should have their own little clique since they have always been there.

Will they be friendly to an intruder like me?

How will they address me? I realize most of them have an English name to go with. Claire, Jeff, Jeffrey, Sharry, Sammi…. I don’t have that. Will they be able to pronounce kahinn? I’m not ready to have an English name. If need be, I might have to bust out the good old “k”. But can I just stick to the name K? Just K? This was how some of them would call me in mcdonald’s. and then jokingly by Sabrina & Cheryl.

Part of me is trying to say : Be normal kahinn, just be normal.

Part of me is screaming: WHAT THE FUCK IS NORMAL?!! HOW THE FUCK DO I DO THAT!

Oh oh and their mobile internet. Will it be costly? I am quite spoilt by the 40gb monthly data I have now, they should have equivalent if not better right?

And my Malaysia line. The number has been with me since I was primary 6! I definitely want to keep this number though. Is there any package that can cater to this? Like idle for 90% of the time…

Will I grow bored of Shanghai sooner than I thought? Will life be crazy tough in there? I don’t like the feeling of beaten down. I always strive to be the best… because I die want face. I hate it when everyone sit around and I’m just remarked as average. This is rather contradicting, because I hate being in spotlight too. In an ideal world, my position is that rebellious genius in a group that don’t play along the line, but always get things done.

A bit like…. 香广男in My盛Lady.

I SAID ‘IDEAL WORLD’ OK.

Ah. What kind of honesty I have poured in this space.

Sometimes I wish this space can turn tangible, it will be my hide-out.

Maybe so much so that I forget to come out from my hide-out.

Ever since Shanghai is knocking at the door, I began to develop a “farewell emotion” with my surroundings

When I’m cleaning my room, I’d pause and start playing 203 by 毛不易

Of all the thunders/storms that my room has kept me out of

It’s a house I am very unlikely to visit again.

I have a vision that many years later, I’d come back to this land that once hold me so dearly, for visits or any reason at all, the cab driver drives past this particular building and I told him “wow I used to live here”. While the cab driver dispassionately says “oh this place, very old building. Newspaper say they are taking it down for safety purpose.”

The house is no longer in my view as the cab sail further into the heart of the city, I turned to the back and try to search for a clue or landmark to vaguely confirm the direction of the building.

It will be a raining day.

By then, I shall know, what was left behind will sprout into its own destiny.

I always miss all the rooms that I have stayed.  I hope they always have better tenants.

Funny enough, of all these houses that I have stayed since college days, I never grow a strong bond with fellow housemates. Just never.

I must have been a difficult person, didn’t I?

Its 5:40pm now. I finish work at 5.45pm.

I have been taking a combination of buses & train as means of commute back home. It cost a little lesser (like…60 cent less?) and I get to go around the city in the bus. I like taking a bus. I have the habit to take a bus from their deport station till they are back at the deport station again.

Sitting in a corner with my headphone on, gliding through the city like I’m in some amusement park

Always fun.

Its my own way to connect with the  city.

I believe every city has its own pulse. Just like human.

When you travel next time, try to sit down in the middle of a square or plaza.

Let the noise flow around you and listen close.

Don’t say a word and just stare into emptiness.

For me, that is my favourite take away from any place I have visit.

I was inspired by the hk drama 天与地, Ah Yan is a DJ in the drama and she would carry this hairy mic to collect sound. Be it right in the middle of Hong Kong City or some river in the greens.

I tried recording with my handphone while I immerse myself in the noise of the city. But my phone caught too much wind blowing sound that everything else sounded too distant away – everything else like chit chat from passerby, car roaming pass, the ticking sound traffic lights make, footsteps coming towards and leaving forward, the noise of all chit chats aggregate…

Such sound is what I would often refer to, as the pulse of the city.

:)

It sure is easier to fill pages up with alphabet instead of chinese character.

I’m at page 7 now and I wasn’t even writing anything serious – just miscellaneous ramblings!

Anyway. Im posting this.

I basically don’t remember that vividly what I wrote, but eh, I will read this maybe 10 years later and maybe let tears of nostalgic roll down my wrinkled cheek.