There's lotsa stuff turning round n round in my mind.
I caught nothing. *sorry suting, i really can't sleep*
I don't what happen. As i sat by the laptop and open the M.Word. I began to be EMO EMO EMO!
I got totally blank and i hate it. I thought i'm so freakin satisfied with my presentation BUT i couldn't recall anything. Something is blocking my memory to rest in peace.
Hardly, i now have friends in my class, my lectures... I do appreciate a lot. I like my friends. Its already the ending of the semester. Having them as classmates are GREAT especially for people like me for i don't get used to others fast. I hate myself fuckin much when i once thought i will suffer throughout my diploma that i seriously thought of changing college after diploma.
BUT somehow, there is a whisper from nowhere keep repeating:
"SO YOU'RE GONNA JUST DEAL WITH IT LIKE THAT? JUST LIKE THAT?"
Hell no. But thats all i can do. Shout deep in the core of my heart and use all my might to smash my keyboard to show my anger and post onto the blog to keep it in record.
I've been thinking and accepting and admitting that I'm a 100% coward.
I don't dare to do anything. To be precise, I'm a loser.
I listen to songs and then i cry. See? I can't even be honest to my emotions, i need a covering reason. I do think my life defines PATHETIC pretty nicely.
I wanted to write something in chinese which i've stopped doing so for ages.
I miss the times when i figure out things through typing all those posts.
But i failed. WHY? well, simply because i am too busy. "i thought i was too busy"
I'm listening to "when i need you" currently. I close my eyes and i dont know who to think of. Tears kept rolling out. I felt helpless. I can't breathe well.
I thought i was proud of myself. I thought i've begun to LOVE myself. I WAS WRONG. totally.
I'm still stessful. I'm still....lack of confident. SHIT. I lost my direction again. I was never a proud to the others. Ever since i had memory, i have been FAT enough, STUPID enough. I don't deserve what others get. I'm the BLACK SPOT of the other angel. Usable but not preferable.
I'm in the ending part of "Light On" now. I simply don't know why i got EMO easily nowadays.
I hate it. I dont wanna give a shit about it. Crying gave me headache. Tears make my eyes feel hurt. definitely IMPLEASANT experience.
I used to appreciate the fact that i began to learn to cry and relief. BUT i do think i cry too much.
FINE, no cry, just unidentified liquid flow outta my eyes. I don't wanna feel like a mother fuckin pinky princess which use "cry" to conquer. GOD DAMN!!
Its 2 am, I am to wake up early tomorrow. but i need to wait until i feel asleep 100% before i go to my bed. My pillow case is so going to be washed. Its kinda......watery.
Now my player is repeating "Light On". I fell into this song right after i heard it. The lyrics was like a sounding slap on a my face. Try to leave a light on when i'm gone. something i rely on to get home. To get home.......Is it home that i'm missing? Is it someone that i'm missing? Is it something that i'm missing? I think i just miss some feelings. Some............abstract, unduplicatable, strange feelings.
Thanks Blog. You made me feel better. At least i can breathe now.
I have learn to cheer myself up. Maybe tomorrow, someone is gonna leave. Maybe tomorrow, someone is gonna show up.....Keep smiling is all that i can do. Keep smiling. So that the left knows you will wait for them, the came would know you've been waiting for them.
Smile like you've been smiling at the first moment of your life.
So that the angels know that you're still you. Nothing changed you.
They will bless you more.
Just Keep on Smiling.
we will not be travelling forever, grab on anything you want. Those wants of you may be once in a blue moon. Either, if life is bout run and run and no turning back, we still need something to measure how far we've been running. Run through dreams, run through moments, run through life.
*************************
I'm searching for a unique lighter, any suggestion from anyone?
nothing much, i just wanna light up my world.
and, to leave a light on for others when i'm gone.
At least when i went on travelling, i know where to go when i'm too tired for anything.
