If you decided to let me go, then that's it.
I will go out and I will come back, then end of story.
Don't say "ok, go la!" now, and nag me like freak.
then scold me some other day!
I'm ASKING FOR YOUR PERMISSIONS!
If you say ok, I'd assume you're happy with your decision.
Don't turn back days later and try to give shit on me!
You said ok, I'll go. definitely I do. I'm not those bullshit drama type of person who thinks WAY BEYOND!
ok means ok la! what else you want?
Don't give me that "i-dun-wan-u-to-go-but-i-still-say-yes" face!!!
you think this is sacrifice? this is FUNNY!! damn it!
YES means YES!
if No, I might be pissed or sad a little and i'll be OK!
I hate the face of "sacrificing"!!!
everyone thought they are the main actor of every sad movies!
OH COME ON!
MOVIES AINT REAL!
MOVIES WILL ONLY BE REAL when you can squeeze yourself into the screen!
god damn!!!
Movies people ACT. We people LIVE.
its fucking different!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DON'T judge me like how they did in dramas!
because miracles are easy with photoshop,
but photoshop are ONLY available for fake substance.
OR ELSE! why make up? why plastic surgery? why slimming company?
BECAUSE PHOTOSHOP, MIRACLES AND EVERY HOLY SHITS ONLY WORK ON TV!!
for god sake, please just believe in me once!
I've tried so hard to prove, but none of anything seen!
I feel bad too!
I'm not merely a big bunch of cell, my heart aches as well!
I feel disappointed, sad, FRUSTRATED too~!!!
TRY UNDERSTAND ME when you say I'm naive and not being understanding.
I'm only 20! what you expect?
For me to act like you? CONSIDERATE of EVERY CENT? sorry!
I JUST COULDN'T!
I'm at the peak of my free-to-be-mad life! I spend my money!
I will start collecting them when I eventually realize how horrible it is to be poor.
BUT AT THE MEAN TIME, would you kindly leave some space for MY JUDGEMENT and DECISION?
I can't learn from your mistakes! I have to go out and create mine for myself!
No people do bandage if none of them ever fell and hurt!
Dad and Mum, I'm only 20.
I do what a 20 do. what I wanna do.
I am still keeping up with my studies, please don't treat me as if I'm too young to even judge who is good enough to be my friends!
If I'm destined to be anything, might as well just LET IT BE!
I live on with my concept and principle for my life, I'm not asking to accept them all,
but, not to REJECT as well.
Can you please watch beside me and let me fall some of the time?
I have to bleed before I learn how to cure.
I know the thing of "love you that's why scold you".
and I know I make a lot of mistakes, and I've been stagger along this life.
But thats how everyone grow!
Dad and mum, I know you care about me.
But making me walking all the path you've set and desired might not be a way to bring me up!
I'm not ADORED since I was young.
of course, thanks to the both of you, I've not been exposed to anything so-called danger.
I'm just as lucky as a royal flush card holder.
But, I wanted things my way too.
My room get messy, my bank account is always around ZERO, my friends constantly ask me out, I'm late home sometimes, I got fuck up with exams and wanna escape too, I feel like having movies once in a while, I dream of having lots of branded, I fancy celebrities.....
dad and mum, EVEN IF brother is not in any of the above, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to!
I've wasted my life trying to be like him.
maybe I didn't try hard enough, But I'm happy with who i am right now.
I can't be in some ESTABLISHED university, and is not having DAZZLING results, and definitely not holding any make-you-proud scholarship,
but that doesn't make me a terrible person like those on tv.
I'm not a genius like brother, I'm an average joe.
and I'm fat. and I'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry for you being insulted again and again in front of our families, relatives, your colleagues, your friends and all other I-dunno-person!
I'M SORRY! I'm tired with all your attempts to incite my desire to slim by INSULTING me.
ENOUGH! ok?!
I've live almost 20 years being told that I'm the fattest ugliest loser ever.
Now, i wan my world back.
No more fat=loser. I just wanna do it my way.
I might fail, and I MIGHT STRIKE too!
This is my own world that I have to fight for, and I'm pretty confident in doing this.
just let me try! I can't assure you anything but trying all my might.
Dad and mum, I look ridiculous to you.
Everything of me seems like a wrong to you.
I can never be brother, I can never be like him.NEVER EVER!
and I've had enough trying.
He is special for you, awesome, brilliant, mature and whatsoever..
everytime you praise him when I try to get your approval on my achievement, I feel sad.
Because no matter how hard I try, I'll never be like him
Because I chose to ruin my high school result and chose to live it mad.
Because I don't get along with every adult like he does and that annoys you.
Because I get only questions of why I'm fat but he got questions on how did he be such a well boy.
Because I'm always a black mark in everyone's eye
Because I'm at the other end of the balance as the god our family had been too perfect and I'm to offset.
I'm frustrated. I'm a loser. I always am.
I might bot be that quite when brother is not around.
When he is here, I'm just a loser.
No matter how hard to tried, this fact never changed.
I don't know what to do. I cried late at night, sometimes.
because I couldn't sleep, and crying make me tired.
I don't like my hostel or collage as much as I show you.
I was just trying to make you believe that I'm like what you expected.
Thats why I need to blog, I need to meet up with my friends.
They reminded me of whom I really am.
Its tired, but that's the only way that works on both of us.
I've dealt with the fact that I will never be capable in your sight.
I'm cool with it, and I might get frustrated or miserable once in a while.
but never mind, its not like i never had them before, I've learned to be OKAY with those negative emotions and feelings.
and I know, my brother is reading this post.
and I know, he is thinking his sister is being very childish again.
and I know, my parents thought I'm just a youngster at the stage of rebellious.
and I know, no one will give a damn on whatever I said here.
well, FINE THEN! I only wanna tell out before my mind got overloaded!
I've tried to live upon others shadow,
which turn out, me being exhausted,
and none feel good.
20 years have gone, its more than enough.
Its time, I move on, to live my life.
If this offence you, I apologize.
my biggest wish now could only be----to live Quietly Fantastic.
