when life goes horribly routine, I freak out.
but i still live on. on and on and on and on~
feel like getting EMO
but am afraid emo might be my favourite pass time
damn i hate EMO...
being a mute is not my thing
have been reading quite some articles from the magazine just now
during lectures where i'm supposed to be concentrating on the slides and...whatsoever
haizz.. students get moody when we smell the exam appraoching.
i read some blogs of some parents
can't wait for their baby boy baby girl to grow
seeing them being so much impressed by every lil act of their kids
"wah! so cute!"
"WAH!!! such a clever girl!!"
"wah!!! SO TOUCHING!!"
smile, kids. smile harder.
cause as you grow these people tend to change.
when you stop showing them success, they stop showing you compliment
life's fair huh?
Things weren't this way back then.
When I was learning to walk, I fell and cry every single time.
majorly shit.
but there the parents will be
encouraging you, consoling you, warming you
"come on, stand up. don't cry, sayang. give you sweets?"
then somehow somewhere we got our determination to stand up,
to fall all over again.
but now, when you go home with your colourful report cards
they started questioning.
"how on earth did you fail this?"
"damn! aren't you ashamed?"
"EWW! I don't wanna see it, ask your dad!"
"you! how much have I paid for your tuition fees?and this is what i get?"
"NO MORE COMPUTER"
"NO MORE TELEVISION"
and that time, i interprete all these as "NO MORE LIFE"
I started locking myself in the room.
sometimes i cry in there, sometimes i sleep in there, sometimes i just daydream
assumingly to them i'm studying.
I was a terrible person, maybe you will say.
But too bad, I just lose my courage
sometimes I look out to the window or sat at the balcony
"sunshine." I said.
"moonlight." I said.
I just couldn't help it.
I feel damn sleepy everytime I took out my books.
I flip it and the next thing,
my mum is banging on my door urging me to open,
because, I fell asleep.
Now, I'm having acceptable results. for them.
but I will not be who I am right now if not for those days.
Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?
Dwayne: He’s the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he’s also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh… he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, ‘cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn’t learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you’re 18… Ah, think of the suffering you’re gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don’t get better suffering than that."
- Little Miss Sunshine (Jonathan Dayton, 2006)
maybe. those suffering days.
when i lost my definition of friends.
when the only difference between every single days are only visible on the calendar.
I was someone who don't even know how to spell my own future.
and now, sitting in this college.
taking a random course.
as I was walking home everyday, I ask myself,
"how was it today?"
and I don't know what to answer.
they say life would find its own exit
but i'm not even sure if i really do need an exit.
I extra hate it when my lecturers are exerting UNNECESSARY pressure.
maybe they are just being kind.
trying to us the facts of real.
but they have done nothing but ruin my mood.
i sat there, see their mouth moving,
the slides changing.
and i look around to my friends.
sleeping, chit chatting, listening, copying, dreaming.. or do like me, sight-seeing....
we are so alike yet we are so much different
i used to say i don't give a damn on my future
all i ever care is PRESENT.
but now, I'm trying to figure out where or what or will i still be in 5 years time? 10years time?
god knows.
and i learnt the word "naive".
Life's hard a way. as we walk through, we get hurt
but when you reach the end, you only see a bench instead of a bunch of crowd nor a finishing line
you sat on that bench, rearrange your breath
and you can't see how far you've run. You forgot where did you started off.
you just sat there, greeting everyone who reached the end.
none of you ever mention bout that very start.
until the wind blew back the memories
you remembered when you first start off
you remembered when you first saw the most beautiful sunsets along your way
you remembered when you first found someone you loved so much
you remembered when you were first hurt
and one of you say, "Life? What's life?"
when we started off, they told us that as long as you run along smoothly
you will get whatever you want
and now, all i ever ask for is an answer,
and the question, "what's life?"
after years. after sunsets. after sunrises. after tears. after smile.
We know nothing about life. not even close.
that was when people started saying,
"ahhh! this life need no answer! GIVE ME ONE MORE BEER!"
I stared into him or her
like how i stared into my life
I only want to have a closer look.
about him/her. about my life. about me.
about those part in me that, I just couldn't figure it out.
Life?like what they say,
"the best thing one can do when its raining, is to let it rain"
Just let go. Just be.
-Quietly Fantastic-
