again, i'm holiday. kicked start with a bad night
I'm hanging out with friends tomorrow.
and my mum say its Raya. so there will be lotsa car type of story start popping up
and so, i am not allowed to drive to penang.
i understand the rationale behind, although i don't really agree
but it feels terrible
when ..... i feel that disapproval again
AGAIN.
my mum used to disapprove my lifestyle, friends, thinkings and everything
then i decided to learn becoming a good girl
which i always failed with my weight
seriously who's gonna like it when you are reminded of how ugly and fat and redundant your existent is
I don't like it.
I hate it twice as much when my mum look at me and "tzk tzk tzk" when i'm eating something.
I hate it twice as much when my mum look at me and say I will never get a job for my size being enormously huge.
I hate it twice as much when my mum seeing me looking at fashion-socalled-related stuffs and say I am too ugly for all those stuffs
I hate it twice as much when my mum ask me questions sarcastically and giving an image of i'm having wrong people as friends
I hate it twice as much when my mum come to me and ask like "your friend din give u birthday present this year ar? i thought u all so good"
I hate it twice as much when i let off all my emotions in the middle of no where and feel like being swollen into deep deep loneliness.
I hate it that i cannot hate her because she is my mum
I hate it that i promised myself i shall try my best not to talk her back. \
I hate it that when i was so frustrated about life, all i can do is on my headset and start my simple plan.
I heard this from a movie trailer (Eat, Pray Love) today:
"I lost my appetite over my life! I wanna get it back."
I wanna say I lost my appetite over building a sweet mother-daughter relationship
i thought i had changed things bit by bit
but fairly on the ground, nothing ever moved an inch
all i have done is nothing but some air evaporated into the surroundings--not even remembered.
I thought I ROCK the world but I am the only one who thought.
there's a quote sound this way:
"If your happiness rely on how people treat you, you will forever and ever rely on this kind donation of others"
But all i ever wished for is a mother-daughter relationship like those on tv
things just never turn out right
my mum is always of the opinion of my brother
I hate it when my mum agreed with all my brother mentioned and look at me wondering why am i not even 0.1% alike of my brother
She say my brother has this awesome command of english and math and life
She say my brother would have done a zillion better than me if he were to take accounting
She say my brother would always be the coolest boy that ignores all the gossip about family.
mum, I'm sorry if i give you the image of me fancy those gossips.
I actually do know some of them and you somehow repeated them a couple of times.
but i dunno wat else to ask, so i ask the same thing again and again
so at least the atmosphere wouldnt be that awkward.
i'm jealous of my brother maybe,
because i never reaches any level of his
you know, getting good results, being a good boy, respectful, humourous
i wonder where did i get these positive side of his
from what i was told by my parents ?
I think I really sucks
I failed to get that 100% scholarship and i only got 50%...
I never ever forget that night where i happily come home telling my mum i have A for my Econ test and my mum answered me "wouldn't you think if your brother is doing your course, he will do so much better than you do"
I can never forget my emotion that one moment.
It was like on a spoilt roller coaster that the ride is thrown up to the sky and
BANG!
down to ground again.
That day onwards, i got fed up.
i started go round sorting things outta mylife.
but i ended up still here.
I feel i changed a lot. but who else bothers?
i think i'm lucky to have some people i call friends.
at least, I know, I do exist in a way.
This is the movie trailer I'm talking about
"Eat Pray Love"
Its based on true REAL LIFE story
a woman got fed up with her daily endless routine life and
decided to go find back attitude to life.
http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/4695304/eat_pray_love_movie_trailer.swf" width="600" height="370" wmode="transparent" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" name="Metacafe_4695304" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash">
*****************it was supposed to be a happy night.
*****************the first night of my 2 weeks semester break
*****************but i ended up pouring my emotions on the table
***************************************************I'm tired.
*****************I just wanna get some sleep right now
**********************************and by tomorrow,
**********************************as sun shines again
**********************************I will be back alive.
till then,
_lnnl
ROCK N ROLL DE STYLE!
