The night we met, before everything started

Its been so long since i blogged anything
anything at all

I realize I don't blog as much when I'm sad

While I usually blog about my feelings, I fear that the reason I stopped blogging wasn't because I am busy/occupied in actual life,

Simply just, I don't feel anything.

The last time I felt something, was when I left Johor, left the bunch of people I love.

I always pride myself as the person, who do not hesitate when she leaves.
Until I heard that song from Pushu.
I remember when it was first out, I took it as another "lets go travel the whole summer" vibe kind of song
It was nice, it was catchy, until one of the lyrics hit me among my gazillion-th replay

"我猜有个混帐，在我心里面躲藏，能安慰他的只有陌生还有放荡，他时刻需要对岸，无论是在哪一边，那就这样吧，我们再见了，请转身泪如雨下，当今天夕阳西下，断肠人柳巷烟花，我已四分五裂，从此没有了家"

I remember crying so badly just listening to this song over weekends
at the table, in the shower, among my blankets

even then, I didn't write anything here.
I felt sad, but what was the context of sad?
I don't know. I only know my life is sad in general.


Yesterday, I started watching "13 Reasons Why"
I took the first few episode for some school bullying high school show
but its up to episode 3 that it broke me

The key scene where Hannah & Clay was dancing, it dragged me back in time like some reversed high-speed train. maybe the music, maybe the fact that having a dead friend is what I would normally imagine.

I miss everyone back in high school. Not because they were so awesome.
Because we were all so simple just yet.
We just wanted to pass exams or failed without getting scolded.

Some people wanted love and sex of course
but in general, we were just budding little shits that don't know anything about buddy

I came to realize, "Goodbye" is somehow the heaviest weightless element in my life.
I could easily wave to anyone, and say goodbye
but the weight that follows, it could haunt me for years, or even ever.

At lunch, during drives, at work...
I keep losing familiar faces
and I keep go back to the time we just met
before everything started
before, everything I touched is haunted by a piece of past

As time goes by, only the good memories remained
someone probably trashed you and you swear to god you will one day drink out of his/her skull

but I have come to learn, these bad memories fade fast
and when memories fade, its like you were left in a big white room all by yourself

again and again, I tried to replay first time I met someone
I just wish, they don't fade away so quick

Let me remember, even they are just passerby

Because when life will wash off everything in a human
I can at least try to fight back by remembering a bit longer


The Night We met - Lord Huron. - take me back, to the night we met.




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I was presented with a very important opportunity.
Dear god, please let it be mine.

Please.

Let my life be exciting again.

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For all those people that have been part of my life, I will always wish you well.
I hope, you are well.
and if I have ever done any wrong, I sincerely apologize.

I hope, you are well.