step by step

so new background.
intensive class is intensive.
six hours straight for three days is more than enough to wear out my brain

had been miserable these few days
too many goodbyes in too little time

its like i've been waving goodbye physically but mentally, im unprepared

that night before chingu left for school, we had a short dinner
i was full-heart-ed-ly enjoying the food
until the next morning i woke up to her text of "bye-bye"
the sun shone extremely bright that morning
i rubbed my eyes a few times and scumbag brain was there saying,
"yeah, she is gone, you're all by yourself again."

that morning was ruined....
i still have that sudden-lost feeling inside of me
after all these years of saying goodbye, i can never be prepared enough

but i didn't cry this time
i just got muted for quite a long time

then this afternoon, as im taking my nap, miserable-ly
i got a call, from my bestest best friend.

i guess that helped cured a little though i couldnt explain why

i just, wished for one day in future that we aren't so apart anymore
we could really use a lot chit-chats by then

dear bestest best friend, stay strong. stay quietlyfantastic. keep smiling.

=) (like this)

i mentioned a lil just now about my intensive class. in one word, its intense.
food friends are down to a trio now. but food friends dont enjoy lunch like how we were before
lecturers love scaring shit outta us about how scary the exam is
but then, i still wanna get my attitude right
im only studying, because im interested in knowledge
to be able to "know something" should be the aim
i don't wanna be just another slave to the examination
*i don't usually study, but when i do, i study like a rock star

A lot of catching-ups are to be done for my syllabus
didnt get a satisfying academic results but i sure lived my college lives
i didnt regret it that way
even when figuring out what i had means sacrificing the good grades
im glad i've been through it. been there, done that, checked.

life's been good to me
i learn to appreciate.

guess i should now really concentrately towards the acca
"to be, or not to be, that is a question."
and my answer is yes.

the truth is, yes, i want an acca cert.
that's something i owe my mum.
i'm gonna get it, like a rock style with the quietlyfantastic style.

--------.----------

im serious.

im gonna get an acca cert,
get my head into the endless working life
and slowly building my dream of travelling the world
i will learn the native language of thank you everywhere i went
and i will learn one signature dish of that place

when im too old to move,
i will reminisce.

one by one
piece by piece

my dream is small and simple
but it means a whole life to me

gotta smile and keep the head held high!
for my dreams are too good to be untrue

"Life is like a magic performance.
You are always amazed by what others can do
until you get a chance to try your own,
you finally recognizes the hard work behind.
but the smile you get in return,
---its priceless."

wo deng zhe ni hui lai,
wo deng zhe ni hui lai~~

就這一次，我和我的倔強

因為沒有人陪了
所以我學會自己扛起自己的天空

也因為沒有人陪我哭
所以我漸漸的，不哭了

沒有刻意軟弱的理由，再累，都得撐。

過去的日子是過去了，不可能回來
光陰不會逆流，沙漏不可能倒流
青春小鳥在天空劃下美麗的分割線
把過去狠狠地拋在後頭
我雙腳像長了根似的動彈不得
知道兇猛的大浪給我一個迎頭痛擊

我知道，又要道別了。

post-CNY

i''ve planned plenty of things to write in here
but when it eventually comes down to me and my laptop
....i get distracted.
like, bed, blankets and stuffs.

well, i feel like i've been on for a long holiday
Except internship days, i've never been away from my college for more than a month
and this time, its almost two months now

most of the days i was just hanging around
nap, movies, cousin's chats, food, eat, family stories, nonsense jokes and all

chinese new year passed in a blink of eye
it does, i dont really celebrate it
for my family's tradition is to visit grandma's house in johor
and i have no friends there.
so basically, i just stayed at home, tagged along with cousins for movies
and most of the time, expecting new year to end and my dear maxis center back to operation
my sim card had this problem with the pin code or whatever on the first day of chinese new year
so most of the days i was just touching the new second-handed phone,
stare into the screen asking for PUK code and feel better
(well, it didnt work, i still feel terrible)

so then chinese new year is over,
i hopped onto days where i follow my cousin around searching for rooms in singapore
my dearest cousin, my age, searching for room and have finally found a job.
this time right now as i was typing, she is on her job for the first day
look at me, im blogging and facebooking.

duh, she is always ahead of me.
back then, she went to uni 6 months earlier than I do
simply because my penang tarc only offers may intake.
but thats good, in the 6 months where she was busy adapting and learning and all,
i met giddens, the legendary JiuBaDao and is scratching for his books

we were always busy with our own lives
im not sure is it just me or it works on everyone else,
but i realize most of my closest people tend to keep a lil bit only to ourselves
like, we don't share 100% in life but the only 100% we can offer is our sincerity
i mean, i have some very intimate and hidden and dark secrets that i probably wont tell anyone
but then, that doesn't mean im cheating
its just, i've got myself to protect

i enjoy and treasure the safe distance I have between me and everyone else
and thank god they all believed in me and never gave me a hard time on things i wouldnt like mentioning
in pinky girls drama, people always dig for secrets
urm, as a stalker i do sometimes.
but just, i think its quite a personal responsibility for you to protect what you cover
.....is it? or is it not?

so, my cousin got her first job which is the start of her salary-instead-of-pocket-money-life
and i get my start of ACCA intensive class,
which is the start of my be-super-serious-and-hardworking-or-you-shall-fail-life

and chingu got her lives in UTM as student still
just a further hostel i guess?

that's it all i have.
my friends at school likes to make me a joke which is about the people i know
they reached a grand total of 2 which is one cousin and one friend(bestest best fren)
and its all mentioned above
now one of them is in singapore, occasionally pontian
and one is in Skudai johor.
that makes me #foreveralone

but what can i say. its me who got myself this.
i like to show that pissed off face in front of unknown people
(its not like i like, it just look that way when im out of expressions)

ever heard of lady gaga's born this way.
yeap, thats me and my forever-pissed-off-face
*people, you should see how i laugh.
I laugh super easily and why I dont laugh in front of you?
YOU NO FUN!

well so. 

my school is reopening on the 20th of february

From that date onward, i expect myself to work as hard as a cow

i've been longing the working life *though i prefer study over work

but i'm kinda sick of penang and those visits to singapore raised my expectations

i like the systematic there....

and being super positive, i've been round telling people I will be there next year

i even planned with my cousins where to meet up during weekends and return pontian together

owh, by that time, i will have unlimited tah mee and char kuih treat..!!!!!

dear cousin, wait for me.

oh and chingu too, i've planned that when i work there,

we can hang out during weekends!

can have stuffs like food and food and.....MORE FOOD!

#Eating is an art of living. Not shallow.

SMILE.

gotta go. blanket call.

*teehee*

touch down

那种感觉很奇妙，几年前我们不过是勇于做梦的小屁孩儿。可以对着一望无际的天空大声喊话，可以随着喜欢的歌起舞哼唱，看见喜欢的偶像就大吼大叫，看见不喜欢的嘘声连连

在这些场景不停切换的同时，我们悄悄地长大了。时间老人默默地往前，青春小鸟划过天空，光阴沙漏规律地滴漏。车子变小了，床变得好挤，餐点变得好小份

好像被什么背叛了，我们都有过一夜成长。被纯真吗？还是成长？还是宿命？

觉得责任和负担好像违规偷偷潜进我们的生活中，也没有先问过我们，就径直在我脑袋里最显眼的地方自行落脚。

人生。

这一次我又自行逗留在外婆家。之前有小犹豫说到底要不要留下还是跟爸爸妈妈一起回槟城。可当我想到这很可能是最后一次机会时，我义无反顾了。表姐很快就要正式踏入上班族的生涯，明年的我也讲面临同样的命运。那个时候的我们不再可能有这么样的长假，真的是最后一次了，像个孩子般胡闹，每天自然姓在中午以后，甚至晚上不睡白天不醒

＂那一年我们望着星空，那么多的灿烂的梦＂-五月天

这一次，表姐陪我一起回槟城！最后一次，我们可以尽情的孩子气，最后一次我们零负担。当她自己搭飞机回外婆家，那象征我们都已下定决心走新的路，在新的路口相遇

她当她的上班族，顺便等我
我当我的大学生，努力储蓄未来的本钱

我们还有一箩筐新的梦想
亲爱的世界，我将颠覆你
亲爱的时间，我将把握你

*期待，再一次相遇

在高空，我还是那个我
不管离地心引力多么远
我不曾自我怀疑
我要成为那种激励书里家喻户晓的名字

活着，十分有意义的活着！

假如我是孔明燈

假如我是孔明燈

我會帶著別人的夢想升空

我的軀殼將承載著別人的夢想

而我也將為了別人的夢想努力的活一次

 

作為一個稱職的孔明燈

我會在大年初九，漫天煙火的黑幕緩緩的進入每個人的視線

用一貫淡定的速度劃過那些煙火

突兀卻又不衝突的和煙火融合在同一個畫面裡

人們都會看見閃爍耀眼的煙火

也有的人會注意我小小的身影

但，我身上的夢想和願望

卻只有當事人和我知道

黑暗的天空，是寒冷的

孔明燈的軀體確實高度炙熱的

就像時下的人們，冷漠的臉孔下往往是熱情的心

而更像時下人們的，是孔明燈生來就旨在實現別人的願望這個點上

我們現今的世界，好多人都學會自我保護

好多人的盔甲就像里奧納多在鐵面人裡的面具，已然是身體無法切割的一部分

因為在那些跌跌撞撞的成長過程

我們不約而同的發現，現實是很好的防空洞

只要你躲在現實裡，你就是絕對的安全

而這個動盪不安的社會，我們不再去冒險

我們都退縮在失敗面前

我們再次不約而同的選擇最萬無一失的路

把現實當成所有一切的前提

結果，我們活了別人的願望

結果，我們生來就是為別人的願望而奔波勞碌

看著滿天煙火，想一想當下的自己

其實感觸真的很多

這麼多年來，我犧牲了多少年為了別人而活

揮霍了多少年去尋找方向

消耗了多少年去跌跌撞撞

九把刀《後青春期的詩》裡提到，

---“總有一天，我們都會被這個世界完美馴服”

是的。一如孔明燈，我們將活在別人的期待裡

忙活了大半輩子，即使在一萬尺高空卻一點都不快樂

如果就這樣下去，我們會不會就漸漸遺失了冒險的勇氣

總是活在自己的安全區裡

總是不敢離開現有的軌道

然後告訴自己，腳踏實地才是王道

可，腳踏實地的實地，指的是殘酷現實的實，還是夢想實現的實？

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這些我不知道，我充其量就是個孔明燈

一個你瞬間就會遺忘的孔明燈

也許一天，也許一晚，也許更快，你會忘記你曾經告訴我的夢想

但是當我在一萬尺，十萬尺的高空，我還是背著你的夢想

有人說孔明燈一直飛一直飛

就像人類飛鴿傳書給上天一樣

當我們無助的時候，我們總會想盡各種方法來搪塞我們的焦慮

管用與否，但求心安，即為知足，聊表安慰

作為一個孔明燈，我也只能在這個我們樂此不疲的自我忽悠的世界裡

安靜的扮演我的角色，也許有些底牌，真的還是不掀開的好

有的幸福，是單純地相信

什麼都知道的人不會快樂，

要快樂，必須是什麼都不知道

或是，裝作什麼都不知道

××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

有時候，我覺得自己和等一個人咖啡的思螢一樣：

“人生的脖子很長”

------------------------------------總是在引頸期盼

思螢等澤宇，等到了卻又要等阿拓

我等的，是自己的沉澱，是自己動盪裡的安穩

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

“那年的煙花，其實是在你臉上”--九把刀

《這些年，二哥哥很想你》，九把刀，毛毛狗

今天晚上，我近距離看那些煙花

我本不愛煙花，奈何，

當你的心頭有一種特殊的糾結。。。。。。。

Rules underneath

i was told yesterday bout a too-cruel-to-be-told-truth

it helped me realize that, no matter how strong you think you are,

there is always one person that is ahead of you

regardless of whether that one person is of any ability that worth the position

if it was me in the case of my friend's,

it would have been a week of nightmares for me.

no doubt its gonna be bothering

just, when i eventually let go, i think i'd swear so hard that,

it carves a scar on the back of my mind

well, we all knew, that there will never be fair

but when it comes so close to me, 

i realize im not prepared enough for it.

i still wished i could magically has the power to act for justice

i still wished, i had the ability to do it right all over again

i still wished, that if only i could reveal the truth and save the day like a superhero

but no i couldnt

nothing of the above-mentioned that i'm able and daring enough to do

i did nothing but sending "wtfffff" among friends

its the primary form of unfair and it get us all so mad

remember how they say that in real life, its never gonna be fair?

yea, we all knew that ain't we?

but when it gets real close,

you get to see the unfairness with your naked eyes

and to feel the helplessness flowing along your blood stream

your emotion is bursting flame, but you couldn't do a thing.

that's what we say, "The worst feeling in the world"

unfortunately, there's more to come

#adapt

but i still wish for #superhero ......

#superhero

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