The story goes this way:

My photo
We are all so alike yet we are totally different.
人生苦短何必念念不忘

Monday, 16 February 2015

Interstellar

Do not go gentle into that good night

Dylan Thomas, 1914 - 1953
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Saturday, 14 February 2015

我们,都是这个小小时代里,小小的星河光尘

情人节快乐。2015年。

突然感触良多。

这些天因为有了个手写本子,反而很少上来这里。
一方面,手写本子我随时都能写
一方面,这里是我回忆的方舟啊

我最近被陈学冬的一首不再见哭得脱水
虽然是一首歌颂爱情的词,可是我还是觉得很伤心

我喜欢郭敬明笔下的悲伤,但我不喜欢故事
比如时代姐妹花真的太超现实
但后来发现大家最后一起挽手,走向灵魂的尽头这件事

我开始在想,其实如果把小时代当成林萧的回忆录来看的话,或许不那么讨人厌

在回忆里,我们谁不是把一切放大呢?
回忆你所爱过的,你会感叹现在的一切都比不上当时
回忆你所恨过的,你会咬牙切齿觉得新仇旧恨在体内翻腾

这些,都是我们放不下的回忆阿
它们每天在你的脑海像坏掉的录像带,四处跳接各种画面

在林萧的记忆里,大学宿舍是美丽的,大家的特点被无限扩大
我开始接受这样的故事

最后,林萧留了下来

没日没夜的回忆之中,一切越变越美好
林萧开始混淆她所希望的,和她所经历的

一切发生得那么突然
林萧,或许,一直无法忘怀
那一个时代姐妹花东歪西倒互相依偎的时刻

你们怎么可以就这么离开?
生活,怎么可以就这么发生了?

有本书说,两个人相处久了,就像两个人相互依靠门把各自的中心相互转移到谁也站不直的位置

那林萧呢?



我们活在浩瀚的宇宙里,漫天漂浮的宇宙尘埃和星河光尘,我们是比这些还要渺小的存在。你并不知道生活在什么时候突然改变方向,陷入墨水一般浓稠的黑暗里去。你被失望拖进深渊,你被疾病拉进坟墓,你被挫折践踏的体无完肤,你被嘲笑、被讽刺、被讨厌、被怨恨、被放弃。但是我们却总在内心里保留着希望保留着不甘心放弃跳动的心。我们依然在大大的绝望里小小的努力着。这种不想放弃的心情,它们变成无边黑暗的小小星辰。我们都是小小的星辰。
——周崇光 《小时代》








嘿,情人节快乐。

Monday, 2 February 2015

小小时代

眼泪是很奇妙的东西。不知不觉中眼眶就湿了。
我想,可能连结泪腺的,是心,不是大脑。


不再見

作詞:郭敬明 落落
作曲:李榮浩
編曲:李榮浩
製作人:李榮浩

離別沒說再見 你是否心酸
轉身寥寥笑臉 不甘的甘願
也許下個冬天 也許還十年
再回到你身邊 為你撐雨傘
剩幾個夜晚 再幾次晚安
等你摘下還戴上指環
原諒捧花的我盛裝出席只為錯過你
祈禱天災人禍分給我只給你這香氣
但我卑微奢求讓我存留些許的氣息
好讓你在夢裡能想起我曾緊抱你的力氣

以後遇見風雪 有新的雨傘 
為我留的燈盞 能不能別關
不要為我傷感 別被絕望打斷
不能一起的白頭 也別讓風雪染
再一個明天 下一世人間
等我再為你戴上指環
原諒捧花的我盛裝出席卻只為獻禮
目送潔白紗裙路過我對他說我願意
但我繼續清掃門前的路和那段階梯
如果你疲憊時別忘記那裡還能停留休息
原諒捧花的我盛裝出席只為錯過你
祈禱天災人禍分給我只給你這香氣
我想大言不慚卑微奢求來世再愛你
希望每晚星亮入夢時有人來代替我吻你

Monday, 12 January 2015

假使你遇见童年的你,你会对他说什么?



‘李佳恩,你过得去’




小的时候,我常常对着蓝天白云雨天乌云思考我究竟能活多久。有好长一段时间,我觉得自己永远处于一个非常糟糕的状况-人胖脸丑成绩差。偶尔都觉得自己可以把生活经营的这么差劲也算是一种值得喝一杯的成就。

小学的时候,我觉得自己像被流放的学生。一般同学里面,有些人是特优,有些人是优秀,有些人是其他。我是其他,老师连斜眼都懒得瞧我。因为那样的小学,我全身长满刺。我只相信自己,不管这个世界对我是善意还是恶意,我都主观的觉得是恶意的。因为只有那样,我才能甘心的武装自己,只有那样我不会受伤。那个时候的我,做不了什么事情,总是在生活的周遭努力挖掘,期望能找到什么宝藏。可这样的挖掘是没有意义的,我却是在好多年后才明白。受伤的是我的自尊,自尊是无形的存在,该怎么填补?

后来上了中学,我们走入恶梦一般的青春期。当周围的女孩开始变得亭亭玉立,而只有你一个人完美的诠释矮挫穷土肥圆的精华。从小听人家说我胖说我丑,我不以为然。我丑怎么了?我不要惺惺作态的漂亮,反正我就是要吃。一直到和朋友们合照多了,开始不经意地发现原来相片中的我如此碍眼。那个时候我发觉我的世界有两种人,一种拼了命的说我有福气福相,另一种卯起来说我又肥又丑。我就不明白了,你们为什么觉得我不知道呢?每天早上照镜子的人是我,觉得自己丑得死不足惜的人也是我,觉得镜子快被自己撑爆的也是我。你们觉得我不知道什么是羞愧吗?

我永远不会忘记那一年的农历新年,一大家子围绕着我的体重在探讨。我坐在大家群之中傻傻的笑,即使心里千刀万剐。我陪笑着,心里害怕得颤抖。怎么办?我反复问自己。后来话题牵引到其他家的漂亮女孩儿,我站起身直奔洗手间。我抓了毛巾,扭开莲蓬头哭得不能自己。我把头靠在墙上任莲蓬头的水打在我的脸上,眼泪和水淹没着我。我压抑我的声音,我哭得撕心裂肺,但我一声不发。那一天,我学会人前微笑人后悲伤。那一天开始,我除了胖,什么都不是,什么都不再是,什么都,不想是。

后来,我的自我开始枯萎。我极其希望把我的存在缩到最小,甚至消失。但是我移动的步伐是震耳欲聋的砰!砰!砰!我以人类的外形活着吃人鲸的生活。

那样的生活鬼魅一般缠绕着我。

25岁了,依旧缠绕着我。我无法相信甚至付诸感情于任何人包括我的父母。我总是大声的笑,更大声地笑,因为我不知道如果我停止大笑我会不会哭。

李佳恩,他们总说骂你是为了你好。但是你的孤单你的委屈你的彷徨我都懂。我们可以从恶梦一般的15岁活到现在的25岁,我们就能继续走下去。我们会走出这个恶梦的。25岁的我们,26岁的我们,27岁的我们,我们都在努力带你走出去。即使全世界都抛弃你来,我们不曾离开。这是一场接力赛,只要你跑到接力点,这场比赛就还没有完。

总有一天,我们要在烈日当空,披上撒满金黄色阳光的战袍,闪耀的骄傲着。





Friday, 12 December 2014

what would you like for the sides

It has been something kind of funny for the weekend right back

I have mentioned about this friend of mine a few times now, but she hardly gets any grand opening.
Aaaannndddd, she is not gonna get it this time.
Considering our friendship totally developed out of the blue, and I have zero interest in faking a ‘she-is-destined-to-be-my-friend’ story

But seriously, it was weird. Even my food friends would wonder, ‘How come you both kept in contact out of everybody else’

Told’ya, weird.

Probably we shared some interests that don’t really work in other group of friends?
Interests like reading, blogging.... those wordy-nerdy stuffs?

To me, one who read should be the last person to be declared nerd.
But oh well, who am I to say anything?

So yeap,this friend, she has this interest too.
She is the one whom I would share most of my after-read thoughts to
Like, those stuffs that I’m really into, those ancient chinese, those china-critics and things like that

Not like she is interested too, but well, we sort of are the kind of people that,
We tend to be interested in whatever we don’t know...

If I’m not mistaken, she has been real deep in the self-enrichment kind of books.
Not my first choice, but I do enjoy listening the summarized version of hers...
And also, sometimes we would suggest some books we thought the other might be interested in

Okay, that’s all
I shall stop here.
Suddenly, I decided to pronounce her book friend.
And i thought that is quite an idea.

So this book friend of mine, she randomly texted me on a morning, last Friday.
I was caught in my usual morning let-me-sleep-another-five-minutes-and-rush-my-ass-off-later routine
She told me she is taking a day off her work and want to spend some good time thinking about herself.

I replied that this is a good idea. (while personally cursing the coward leekahinn wtf why we dont have)

Apparently, I thought I would have to work on that Saturday too.

So then I was at work, manager reviewed my work on the spot,
Everything was so normal.

And then I receive a text from my book friend;

‘I’m in melaka now, see you later?’

I glanced through the screen real quick, brain-lagged for a moment or two

‘damn leekahinn, lets go’
‘eh don’t gila la, we need to work tomorrow la’
‘okay, if we’re not working, we go!’
‘but i need to draft account somemore’
‘NO BUT’
‘spending a sleep weekend in pontian sounds nice too’
‘THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU DID ALL THESE PASSED MONTHS’
‘but we have to drive all the way....’
‘DUDE PROVE TO ME THAT YOU ARE STILL CAPABLE TO GO UNPLANNED’

....and that is a killer thing to say to me....

So my reply,

‘okay, if I not working tomorrow, i will go’

*******************************************

Call me childish, or whatever, I do think its important for me to prove to myself I am still the one who would grab my phone and purse, hop on the car, and leave for anywhere...

So important.

************************************
So book friend.

I finally reached the motel she lived around 12 am

The name is ‘Motel Sayang-sayang’
I purposely wrote it down, because i want the future leekahinn to remember,
Being a manly man like her, once lived in a motel named ‘sayang-sayang’..

Yes pal, we lived in a hotel with such a name.
A hotel painted in pale yellow and white, and some stick-man couple wall stickers.
Well, on the bright side, its not the pinky kitty one.

But it should be quite a new hotel. Very clean on the inside. But the outlook..erm...normal.

She greeted me with 2 popiah, and a LOOK on my blanket.
Urm, ya, we brought our blanket too..
Dear future me reading this, we/I, love that blanket. So love.

*************************

We had our time chatting a little bit, trying to sort out what to do on Saturday

She sent me a picture on Friday afternoon, there is this cafe stuffed with books and looking all hipster
And i am very interested with the collection of books they’ve got

That is probably the only intinery we had in mind

*******************************

Waking up on Saturday morning was really awesome
I took a quick shower and stay by the window, just looking at people passing by
While digesting the fact that im in freaking melaka

Damn the last time i was here, it should be sometime during 12-year-old.
In short, I WAS STILL A YOUNG BOY

Then time flies, they got the legendary Jonker street and all sort of themed cafe

While i was driving off the highway into the city, the places around me resembles a lot of my memories about Ipoh...
When I am in the city, the narrow streets and old houses resemble the heritage sense of penang

In short, I think melaka is a Frappucino of Ipoh & Penang.


*****************************

We had a tourist walk around melaka on the day,  a quick rest and the stuffed-with-books cafe, and the legendary jonker walk pasar malam..
I had this mega spicy sze chuan noodle, and saw my manager
The manager whom I have to submit a file to on monday

But none of those spoilt the mood

She then brought me to a place right beside a river
We had good time drinking and talking

I thought of writing down whatever we have talked, but maybe not now,
Everything just scatter around my mind, refusing to settle down.

It was a really enjoyable time, probably the easiest 4 hours i have had

Sitting by the river, sipping cold beer, and talk anything out of nowhere...

I realize I do need this...
I do need this from time to time, where I am just leekahinn and nothing else
No deadlines, no anyone to report to, no nothing that can hold me back

At some point when i was talking, i thought i was gonna cry
Just too much feelings in me that is coming out

Then I looked up to the sky, the moon is right above me

I said to myself,

Don’t cry on the best nights for months. Don’t.
We will cry some other day.

We laughed a lot, cheers,
And this ladyboss from the shop said to us,
‘its good to see you old schoolmates coming together again! Hold on to moment like this, it wasn’t easy’

We are at the same stage of life right now, struggling for more
But who knows, some day in the future we gotta move on,
Could be both of us at the same time, or just one of us

But in this big big world, to run into someone like this,
To make such a friend,

I thank god for these.

Sincerely, thanks.

My job sucks, but my life is pretty awesome.

*********

Side effects of short-but-great runaways, it was too short, that you wanna go back for more...
It was too great, that you learn you could have been so much happier than you are at life...

I’m having this post-have-fun syndrome

And one of the symptoms for that is ‘desperation’...

I think I wanna sell stuffs at melaka pasar malam...

Desperate lehhh











laughters

Good day.
Hope this email finds you well.
Aaaaannnnnddd, I’m out of my mind.
Hey you, its been long since I last came.
What happened to the leekahinn who always comment on her life? I wonder
Oh ya right, she is busy going through the bumpy road ahead

I didn’t want anything that is bad to be in my memory bank… you know, like how they only keep the gold in the vault, have you ever seen anyone who keep shit in the vault? No one keep shit in the vault….

But I think different now. Probably because bad days are all I have now.
If I ignore these bad days, I ain’t got nothing left.

It’s not like it’s all terrible horrible and vegetable
I made friends here. Like real friends in life that I care for. Like real friends that I’d like to know what happened to them 10 years from now.

I have friends. I have friends who feel just as uneasy as I did.

There is this day, where I was super smashed down by the day. And as usual, I was there on the messenger with the friends. We were exchanging those things about our days, and I guess I sounded really bumped. At one point, she actually says ‘Let’s go for dinner to make you feel better. The dinner will be real good.”

I never tell, but it was a really nice move.
I never have much friend.





失去的都是人生

我在上海天气晴!

上海是我非常梦寐以求的地方之一
我很喜欢那种模糊了国度的地方,纽约啦上海啦
是那种你走在大街上,形形色色的人都有
你觉得你在上海吧,旁边立马经过俩东北爷们呼噜哈拉
你觉得你在北京吧,可嘴里吃着四川麻辣面
你觉得你在美国吧,一对英国夫妇拦下你问路
你觉得你在新加坡吧,一个黑人晃头晃脑的戴着大耳机坐在边上
你觉得你在非洲吧,沟渠里潺潺而流的剩饭剩菜让你觉得特别恶心

就是那种,整个世界浓缩到一起的感觉

那是一个充满可能性的世界

我喜欢充满可能性的感觉

我最近常常想起小时候妈妈老骂我三分钟热度
喜欢的娃娃过几天就丢一旁
喜欢的故事书还没看过马上就没了兴趣还弄丢了

我始终还是这个样子
一个地方呆久了我就迫不及待的想离开
这到底是好事还坏事我越来越分不清楚

***********************************************

啊!又是在上海的一天
夜上海 夜上海 你~~~是个不夜城 华灯下 车声响 歌舞~~~~~升平~~

呼吸着上海的空气,能写多少就写多少
我常常在生活的缝隙中觉得自己真他妈的太幸运了
觉得自己所拥有的很多都是侥幸,啊!失去的都是人生




well. Apparently

I thought of the time after the protest.
We went and say goodbye to Jorge Ally and others. Forgive I only remember names of these 2.
Sarah came up and told us Nelson went back to his family, and that he asked her to pass this to me:
“You are a badass.”

I was stunt. Never expected that on my face I guess?

I must have looked so very lost, Sarah further stressing “It’s a compliment! Means he thinks you’re really awesome.”

Until today, thinking of that makes me happy.. I never have much compliments growing up.
And definitely not this “you’re sucha badass!!” kind

Honestly? I am flattered.

I wonder what people would think if they see the protesting girl now working another overtime heavy job

There is always a song that goes round my head from time to time,
It was a hit few years back and it just got stuck
Its goes like this: “SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD IS GONNA RULE ME”
I don’t even remember the next sentence but apparently (hey Noah!) I am




第三个傻瓜

不是这个世界变得实际,而是我们为这个世界贴上了各式各样的价钱

我们活在一个信仰里
我们相信没有钱万万不能
我们不再依赖我们自己的能力

我们把世界物质化

24岁赚到第一桶金的人是成功典范
30岁还没车没房的人是不思进取
40岁名利双收是做人的基本需求
50岁含饴弄孙环游世界是终极目标

我们急不及待的想走到生命的最后一个阶段

有一句话说,‘你永远只能比别人多活80多岁的那些年,每个人都只有等值的20多岁那些年’

这句话影响我很深

我们的时代是美丽的,是斑斓夺目的
世界的繁荣科技的进步让我们减少了庸庸碌碌,也让我们有了闲暇的世界好好的看这个世界
至少,这是上个世界对我们这个年代的幻想

回想昨天中午,你走出办公大楼到对面的小贩摊子打包午餐
天气很热,你在等着过马路时仿佛感觉的你的皮肤开始伸出点点滴滴的汗水
身边的同事三三俩俩的按手机或聊工作
你也掏出手机打开面子书刷墙
红灯转绿,你快步跟上走在人群最后头的同事
小贩摊子前全部都是西装笔挺的上班族,每个人的胸口是不一样的员工证件挂在五颜六色的挂带上
你习惯性点了自己的例牌餐点,犹豫是要喝咖啡还是凉茶
拿着饭盒排队,时不时有人穿插在你身边
狭隘的走道旁就是大马路,扬起灰尘呼噜哈拉的

这,就是每一个人的中午
漫无目的,软弱无力

有人说,你如果念书的时候没有为将来打算,那你连转折点都输掉了
有些人觉得自己的人生是计算精细的方程式,不允许丝毫的误差,没有除非,比如陈孝正
有些人觉得自己的人生是往隧道尽头微弱的灯光奋力的奔跑,总是那么充满干劲,比如陶复邦



很多人的一生都在扮演

很多人的一生都在扮演。但其实扮演和真实的差别在哪里呢?

举个例子,你有没有听过这样的一句话:
“我是一个学生,我的责任是考第一名”
“我是一个老师,我的责任是让学生考上好学校”

很多人都被‘绩效指标’四个大字压得失了方向,没了头绪。
静下心来,回溯到学生这个身份的最初
这个身份一开始是课堂上涉世未深却对这个世界跃跃欲试的人
老师呢?老师是一个和蔼的,见过世界的,循循善诱的人
为什么说和蔼?学生当中个性千百种,为人师表你不多点包容能行吗?
为什么见过世界?那一群等着大展拳脚的人,你自己没点儿底气能行吗?
为什么循循善诱?一个还没有被世界驯服的人,她身上那股单纯的冲劲,你不多点耐心把这个世界的现实能行吗?

时间往前推进,我们看见了一群学生当中总有成就比较突出的
当第二群人来找老师的时候,我们都想找那个手上有最棒的学生的
当第三群人来找老师的时候,老师都想证明自己手上的学生都是最棒的

这样的现象演变成,学生每天跟自己说要找到最好的老师让自己最接近成功。选了好的老师就像天注定的三分已经在手上,只剩下靠打拼的那七分自己好好加油
老师则每天跟自己说,我要把我所知道的一切都传授出去,广撒网多捞鱼,成的人多了传说就成了!

时间还在往前,当第七六八九二十五七群人来找老师的时候,就是我们眼前的样子

双方都在衡名度利的评估对方,

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