Last week of internships,

Expectations:

So soon, it’s the final week. It feels like yesterday that I first step in here. Its so much fun I’ve had in this 3 months. It passes like in a blink of eye! I love my seniors, they are so friendly! They taught me a lot, I’m so blissful to have them! I’m gonna miss them!!! I learned a lot of things that is not to expected in school and I really enjoyed this 3 months internship! Internship is FUN! I can’t wait to finish my study and start working!!!

Reality:

ZOMG! LAST WEEK LAST WEEK! PRISON BREAK!!!!  Screw work!! Im gonna take control of my life again! woohoooo! damnit! Job exploits me!!! I wasn’t me for the pass 3 months! never really knew 3 months could be such long!!!!! OH MY FREAKING GAWD! thankgod its ending!!!! I love you, MY LIFE!!!!

讀一本書，想一些事。寫一篇文章，過一輩子。

我幾乎是以一氣呵成的狀態看完了村上春樹的小說。我讀的是“黑夜之後”。所以說，人不能規限自己，世界那麼大，應該要有如海綿一般的不停吸收。以前看九把刀的小說，覺得很像看電影，一個故事就像電影一樣，從開始到結束，我很喜歡那樣。讓我看一些沒有結局的小說，我會想殺人。但這一次，“黑夜之後”卻活生生就是一個沒頭沒尾的小說。不能用津津有味來形容，大概應該就是我會一直往下翻，像煙癮一樣很平常的心態卻無從停止。故事就是一個夜晚的故事，我覺得像一個隨機被抽出來的夜晚一樣。有些事進行中，有些事過去了，有些事正要發生。難道，這就是村上春樹？我無法現在就說我愛死村上春樹，但我已經想好下一次要買“挪威的森林”了。呵，像煙癮，無可自拔，無可救藥，無所謂解釋。

之前讀了一本日文翻譯的“畢業”，是一本推理小說。是我第一本，給不是小孩子看的推理小說。我姑姑以前借過我那種兒童讀物，是小孩子的推理故事，畢竟不能太過曲折迷離，一個18禁可把多少趣味扼殺了。所以那天會拿起這本書，也是因為封面的一句話吸引了我。“我們究竟有多了解我們的朋友呢？”是啊。多了解？每個人，都有自己的秘密。雖然偶像劇告訴我們好朋友如果太美，就會搶走你的夢中情人，如果太醜，那代表你會有很大的麻煩但他會義無反顧的挺你。但這可是現實生活，口味比偶像劇相對的重很多。究竟我們有多了解我的朋友？我覺得，有的時候，友誼的根基不是了解，是相信。但你可以說相信的源頭，是先了解。但我覺得啊，要完全了解一個人畢竟是不可能。我們都有自己的生活要過啊，我忙得頭昏腦脹的時候，你怎麼了？朋友或許寵著你，不給你添麻煩，所以有的時候朋友間也需要一些見面互道近況的約會。因為你是我的朋友，我相信你，你會義無反顧的挺我。不甚了解的人，要怎麼深深的相信？你相信直覺嗎？有的時候啊，不妨細心傾聽自己的直覺，那是潛意識無法分析拆解的內心感覺，就像真心話一樣，無法掩蓋，無法裝飾。有的人莫名的就是長得很突兀，很不順眼，但有些人啊，明明普通的跟日常用品似的，就是莫名的和你投緣。也許這是你的腦袋以貌取人或什麼，但我們都是這樣交朋友的。為了朋友，我們兩肋插刀，不管正義，只談義氣。只要你動了我朋友，我就斃了你。所謂交朋友，有的時候就像把命也賭進去一樣，需要有無法割捨的義無反顧。

“我交你這個朋友！”這是我最喜歡聽到的話。鼓舞著我，振奮著我，認同著我

我們的朋友有他們的生活，有他們的問題，有他們自己生活的學分。我們又何嘗不是。每個人，都應該學著自己活下去。只要自己還在，就一切ok。不要依賴別人來為你的生活錦上添花，應該把自己的生活畫成一幅獨特的畫，卻就是有本事和別人的連成一個故事。以前我也認為要這樣，好朋友，需要毫無修飾的袒露自己，不能有秘密。這個，就是我的缺乏安全感。人都怕自己沒人愛，無法“屬於”是最恐怖的。一個享受孤單的人，也需要篤定的認為自己屬於人群。沒有人真的可以我行我素，因為這就是一個擁擠的地球，你很容易就闖入別人的生活裡，反之亦然。當我的朋友們，慢慢的離我遠去，我一個人被逼著去面對心裡頭最黑暗的角落，一個沒有人的角落，面對“孤零零”。我曾經痛苦，曾經徬徨，曾經逃離。這不過是我人生集郵簿的一部分，現在我走過來了，曾經以為世界末日，走過來了就懂得什麼是“回首蕭瑟處，也無風雨也無晴”。

人的孤獨，是需要被品嚐的。只有嘗過孤獨的人，才明白要怎麼從容地面對。就像每個軍人一樣，打過仗才知道只有扣下扳機才有活下去的機會。

“人要學會   停止流浪  我也一樣”—孫燕姿，時光小偷

還有一本是“重返人間”。這沒有鬼，跟鬼故事差了八輩子。是一個女人被綁票後成功逃出來，卻必須面對大家都不相信她的經歷，和那個綁匪的伺機報復的故事。故事裡說，要回到人間，就必須走過一段地獄的路。當大家拿著你的病例表告訴你說，你瘋了，你有沒有辦法明確的分辨？你又要如何去捍衛你的片段？我那天告訴青菇，說如果我真的精神分裂了，拜託帶我的部落格給我。每天活在努力抓住自己的煎熬，還要擠出思考接下來該怎麼辦的空間，這很難。思想是抽象的，我們無法讓別人朝著我們的方向思考，所以發明了教育。教育，就是最基本，在你人生的最初期，植入一早設定好的一般大眾思考模式。也許沒有百分之百成功了，但至少還可以。思想犯，也許並不是他們錯了，只是他們的思考，不符合群體社會運作的模式，所以他們不被認同了。也不是不好，至少我們可以一開始就知道該怎麼想，怎樣去配合。在我們學會創造之前，卻先學會了配合，嗯。

如果你的記憶告訴你，你真的活過了一段時間，但周圍的人卻懷疑地打量著你，所以你更奮力的解釋，更努力的舉證。一直到你筋疲力盡的身體，一直到你幾近衰竭的大腦，說可能真的是它錯了。你陷入另一個漩渦，你覺得你像漂浮在一望無際的大海，在不同的地方持續痛苦著。你也想要說服自己你可能真的瘋了，心裡頭有一道門正緩緩地合上，體內有某些東西正慢慢地離開。你說放手吧，也不管是不是逃避。你咀嚼著你試著接受的符合“大眾合理性”的所謂事實，配著你心裡頭逐漸淡化的不甘心一口一口吞入肚子裡，慢慢消化成一堆殘渣，最後一舉沖下，不留半點痕跡。

想要我行我素，需要的是能夠承受被全世界背叛，唾棄的能力。

當你與世界漸行漸遠，甚至背道而馳，你會變得沉默。日漸沉默，沉默成了你的語言。因為沒有人了。多少人就是受不了這一份沉默選擇快步跑回並滅頂在人群之中。孤獨的人，喜歡在高高的地方看日出而作，日落而息。因為那是他們僅存的，與其他人共享的東西。日出，日落。你日出，你日落。我也一樣。

萬般帶不走，一切皆是空。人生，但求痛快，哭著來，希望笑著走。像神龍擺尾的俠客，揮一揮衣袖，不帶走一片雲彩。

在自己的思緒，自己的生活，流離浪蕩。我可以享受孤獨，可以享受群體。我，明白不是因為快樂了，才笑了，而是因為笑了，所以快樂了。

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

整篇文字打下來，只不停重複一首歌：東方神起，One。

我不是死忠哈韓族，我是什麼都想試一試，也覺得當中確實有很不錯的東西。

像這首歌，真好聽。有的時候寫文字只想單純的重複一首歌，感覺這樣可以一直持續同樣的情緒，給它時間，慢慢的催化它，再靜靜的看它揮發一直到最後一個句點。

不停，膨脹的，情緒。

情緒是怪獸，因為它一口就可以讓人沉淪。而我們，似乎永遠後知後覺。

internship craby patty

It’s been a week I haven’t update my blog I see. oh.

and im doing this in office still. I hate work, DOUBLE HATE when my work screw up my meet-my-friends schedule. and I couldn’t comment on facebook using office pc, I wonder WHY! everyone out there, I don’t mean to spam your wall, really don’t. Just I don’t wanna appear ignorant, so I have to reply in any possible way.

well oh WHATEVER. I’m typing this with a serious face, to false the impression of others that “kahinn is dealing something serious”. GOTCHA!

*im out of my mind.

so today is, Friday. tomorrow will be Saturday, thanks to Rebecca Black, now we all know. ==  So Saturday, there should be a half day work for me, then it’s the final week of internship. eh he, FINAL WEEKKKKKKK! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Even some of my friends wonder what’s gonna happen to me after graduation when I have to work until…the age of 55? oh, I will pray for retiring age to be brought forward to 30. I will then travel the world, and when I finish spending every cent, I suicide. RESOLVED.

Internship, internship, internship. (repeating this just remind me of “tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow”, is it from the dead crow?) its ending, ending and ENDING! woohoooooo

I wanna thanks my mum, for making SUPERB breakfast and lunch basically everyday of my internship. I wanna thanks my mum, for waking up earlier than I do and talk to me so I wont feel so alone during the freaking working day morning. I wanna thanks my mum, for waking up freaking early as well, during her precious Saturday for my half day work. I wanna thanks my MUM!

then I wanna thanks my dad, he used to need me to fetch him from bakai during the first month of intern, and because of that, Im busy counting down weekly on the day to fetch him, my 1st month of intern did pass pretty quickly.

then I wanna thanks my granny, she is so worried that I will starve to death that she’d prepared snacks for me most of the evening, and make me feel like Im a spoilt kid.

I wanna thanks Astro for showing lots of shows in the freaking sleepy morning to be the fist voice of my early morning.

I wanna thanks OneFm, Hitz.Fm, and now Red.Fm for keeping me awake during my journey to and from house and office.

I wanna thanks another intern(Eric) and another part timer(Henry) to not make me feel like Im not the dumbest creature in office, for they don’t seem to know what I don’t as well. [*teehee]     And I wanna thanks that part-timer again for teaching me posting. wtf, posting is the suckiest job. I HATE POSTING. mails, stamps, envelope sizes, SCREW! I have to re-ask every time I’m doing it. and I wanna thanks another intern again, for I know I am not the only one who feels creepy with the SILENT office.

then I wanna thanks the senior, which I still doesn’t know his name, which I will ask again on the last day, wei siong? wei song? erm. HMMM. he taught me MOST OF MY AUDIT JOBS, PATIENTLY. I wish him all the best, and if he really wanna stuck here for the rest of his life, I wish him to have the maximum increment every year. LOL

erm, then its Ms.Eng lo, who else, a person who decides my sunshine each day. ha, just saying. She is like the “know-best” senior, (fyi, we only have 2 seniors including her in the whole office) She knows basically everything, audit, accounts, taxes, bosses, clients, etc. Its almost everyday that there will be all kind of people coming office, she is the only one who recognized who is who, and who is the dispatch from which company. She, maybe flooded with incredible workload, comes in different mood everyday. But most of the days, she is frustrated. She will let out the face of  “I AM VERY PEK CHEK NOW AND HOW DARE YOU STILL ASK ME EASY QUESTION LIKE THIS?!!!!!!!!” hmmm… and she did gave me a lot of different companies, might be she hate me, might be it just how things should have been and I’m just thinking extra. She doesn’t sound nice, NEVER. but then, I have to say, she could be the pedestal of the whole office, jobs are revolving around her.

If she is on leave for a week, I think my boss will got choked by his coffee, if he hears the question we ask. Those were really stupid at times, but urm, WE ARE JUST MAKING SURE OK?!!!!

dah dah dah….oh, and for my boss, thanks for paying my salary. =)

page 2 already? I sucks in controlling length huh? I still remember I hate the most when I people gave me a measure named “agak-agak”. During diploma, I never really measure stuffs. During cooking, I would do ANYTHING! but to decide the amount of rice or spaghetti or material we’re using. I normally end up too far away from optimal, WTF. so I’ll be like, “SUTING! how much?!!!!!” then she will say “you agak-agak lo”. then its me, holding the food, and a container, asking her to measure. LOL. I think there was once I actually told them to cook a whole packet of spaghetti for a mere 3 person. Sorry! =DDDD

alright, I just talk about measurement. hmm, that’s… a lil far.

我把另一个摄影师

安置在我的镜头里

他拍的 我拍的

都是我们最珍贵的回忆

我偶然瞥见有一个人在拍我

原来，我也在他的记忆里

拼命的拍照

究竟是为了他日怀念

抑或是向他人炫耀自己

如此美丽的回忆

一次没有照片的出游

靠的是文字 一字一句的

建筑起捍卫回忆的墙

但愿我们这一辈子，都不要忘掉

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

這是十七歲的文字 我們都是這麼喜歡拍照

因為我們 都喜歡回憶

回憶像煙花 一眼瞬間的存在 卻足以讓人說上一輩子

那些年 我們一起花掉的時間

這個時候 適合來一首“多餘”

他媽的 我還是不喜歡楊宗緯

我想起了沉睡的森林

想起了 誰死後 我會想變成他 這一個問題

是啊

當我的腦海不自主地想起好多 關於 友誼 的課題

可能我的朋友離開了 可能我的朋友回來了

可是我們 都是好朋友

彼此牽絆的好朋友

說不上來為什麼 可是就是習慣了的 好朋友

真好 對吧

好朋友

自愚愚人

回不去 不再能碰觸 的最初

把自己停住 好好看清楚 看的好辛苦

我懂 我不哭

所謂的最初 我不能自拔

劇情 答案 疲憊 依賴 束縛

不能碰觸的一地荒蕪 每一步 不能一再重複

自愚愚人的領悟 悲歡喜怒 不能碰觸

假如劇情謝幕 結局是幸福的哭 能不能滿足

疲憊的悲歡喜怒 我們演的好辛苦

讓依賴停住 我退出

我說假如結局是笑 還不如我退出 看清楚自己曾美麗

所謂的領悟 不能碰觸

演出 謝幕

我不懂 我哭

愛是愚人的國度 我們的結局 是笑 是哭

都是我們自愚愚人的演出

*************************

right, i still cannot type chinese in office.

so this is cut and pasted word by word based on what i have in 愚人的國度, 孫燕姿.

and of course, i love this.

started off cincai-ly, and end up pretty nicely.

me love. 

有的時候覺得自己好像散落一地
什麼都夠上邊 卻什麼都 抓不住
好多好多瞬間 自己 也莫名的 累了

什麼是力不從心

就是 當不甘心 演變成一種不痛不癢的疤痕
你不再使勁地去抓 只是心裡彆扭著那個礙眼的存在

漸漸的去習慣  不管自己多麼不喜歡

為所欲為的背後，會不會藏了一點點，自己的浪漫？

我不是懂吃的人，至少認識我的人裡邊沒有人會反駁這句話。每個人都很喜歡問我應該很懂吃才對，是啊。但真的，相信我，體型與智慧是沒有直接關係的。

我有的朋友是公認的很懂吃。偶爾他們會帶上我一起去吃傳說中的料理，一直到他們發現我在欣賞這一方面有先天性的缺乏。吃東西的時候，如果你問好不好吃，大抵你會得到的反應就是我聳聳肩，說還不錯啊。我是真心的這麼說。因為我沒有像食神那種尖銳的舌頭，我只是單純的喜歡吃東西。在我吃東西的世界裡面，大概上分三種：我喜歡，我不喜歡，爛透了。

我認識有些人也是所謂的，老饕。有些只吃自己認為能吃的，他們說，要吃就一定要吃最好吃的。有些人熱衷於批判，喜歡一邊吃一邊說這裡應該加強那裡應該改革，然後順帶提應該像哪裡的哪一檔一樣。

我媽媽說總是批評是不好的，當你覺得有些東西不和你的胃口，你就說我不喜歡，不要直截了當的說難吃，每個人的觀點都不一樣。

“哼！人要忠於自己，要有不為五斗米折腰的堅韌不拔精神”，以前的我這麼說。

“哦，我不太喜歡吃，可能是我個人的問題”，現在的我這麼說。

我腦海浮出以前的我拿著菜刀，現在的我倉皇而逃的畫面。幹！

現在總是慢慢的想起一些事。以前聽過的話，以前嗤之以鼻的老人言，現在總是伴著我的生活，悠悠地拌著我的故事，調味著我的回憶。

說吃東西吧。我始終覺得，吃東西並不是什麼深奧的大智慧，大智若愚是我所嚮往的境界。我相信一切皆逃不出一場空，報章頭條每天觸目驚心的標題，過沒幾天也會退到普通版的某個小角落繼續後續發展。就像我們遇到好久沒有見面的朋友，我們興奮的寒暄（興奮，還算寒暄嗎？）然後記憶也就停在那裡，沒有所謂的接下來。即使我們彼此的生命線，還是繼續延伸，繼續往下一個點去，但彼此會像忘了對方的存在一樣，一直到下一次不經意的巧遇。

又，講偏了。我認為啊，吃東西是一種藝術。但藝術對我來說也不是什麼深奧的東西，所以我的意思不是吃東西應該被詳細記載然後，開一家“吃“博物館，展覽“吃”千百年來的演進。我只是覺得，吃東西可以不只是把身體的空缺填滿的動作而已。吃東西的時候，我不喜歡想東西，確切的說我任何時候都不喜歡想東西。呵。吃東西的時候，我喜歡停下來，就看一看身邊有什麼也好，好像跳出原本的框框，當自己的觀眾。所以我都跟人家說，我吃東西不會只看食物本身，我還把很多東西算進去。

我這麼說，“我吃東西不是吃東西的，我是吃環境的，東西中等，環境一流我也會覺得很ok，東西一流，環境很爛我也會嚴重扣分。”

偶爾和朋友聊天，說到哪裡有好吃的，我會用一種餓了一百天的老虎看見食物的表情傳達我的興奮。但朋友卻說，“興奮個屁，你吃一百遍都分不出好和壞，別把食物糟蹋了”。誒，拜你個大頭託，我只是沒有你們那麼挑食而已好嗎。他說他們的不是挑食，是有所要求，而我是無欲無求，活得很隨心所欲，就像我覺得流浪漢是一個不錯的職業那樣。嘿喲，好一個變相的諷刺啊。人生無大志，李佳恩是也。

也許這就是我喜歡lomo的原因？lomo標榜的是隨心所欲的拍，don’t think just shoot。我把它進化了，don’t think just live。朋友說我比較像don’t think just survive。哈！去你的。

最近在想偏執狂。偏執狂啊。什麼是偏執狂啊？是執著的上家嗎？執著是思想偏好某種特定的方向，偏執呢？偏執應該不只是思想的偏好吧？應該比較像是完全就是認知的基礎已經根深蒂固在自己認為的事實上面。執著感覺是隨著日子久了，會愈演愈烈，偏執就是十年如一日的，老頑固？hmmmmm，我會繼續想。

前幾天開始加班，雖然只是一個小時，但天上一日，地上一年啊！唉，媽媽都有點無法接受我怎麼對朝九晚五這麼抗拒，也許，因為我肖命定逍遙奔跑的悍馬吧？突然想起我朋友說我很喜歡把東西東改西改。修照片，把好好的筆記彩繪的連自己得差點忘了筆記的重點是學習，把普普通通的事情講述的跟電影一樣。他很喜歡給我一個“有沒有那麼誇張啊？”的表情，然後我有的時候會說，哎，差不多啦！然後一群人就會像鬼戲咧嘴女那樣的張大嘴巴說 “差很多！！！！”。然後我會開始說，沒有，是我細節化，他們會開始，ignore我。算什麼朋友這個。

但真的啊，我無法明白我哥哥，經過三個月不停塞車不停撞車不停睡不夠的實習的哥哥，他說工作比唸書好太多了， “做工好！做工好！”他說。亂講。哪裡好！每天回到家就累得覺得自己的一根手指都有千斤重，七早八早時間一到就必須上車，象徵性的開始新的一天。每天在同樣的時間點，做同樣超悶且無聊的事情。我在交通燈的路口都會張望自己周圍的車輛。我很想知道，為什麼我都在同樣的時間離開，卻不曾在同樣的地方遇上同樣的人同樣的車？大家，不都跟我一樣在周而復始嗎？今天左手邊是一個照鏡子補妝的小姐，昨天是一個講電話的中年男人，前天是一個趴在窗口的小孩。然後我每天都一樣，一個睡不夠卻左顧右盼的悄悄的神奇家。

最近在做一件事，便我自己的餐廳的菜單。萬一有一天我有了自己的餐廳，的菜單。我覺得先編也不錯啊，未雨綢繆嘛！而且啊，如果我有了這樣的菜單，我就可以循著上面的菜式一樣一樣的去學，那以後，誰要來探望我，我都可以煮一頓好的。煮一頓好的，是我至高無上的願望。真的啊，當你有辦法煮出連自己的驚嘆不已的菜，那是多麼了不起的事情？！這個世界上好吃的很多，但你只有一個，不會有廚師為你量身定制菜單，至少平民百姓不可能有。所以如果你會烹飪，然後你就可以隨自己的喜好這邊喬一喬，那邊調一調。這很強啊！我還在路上，但我有方向了！這感覺真好！

屁啦，這個我會，但我對自己畢業後要怎樣都毫無頭緒。而我的習慣是，想不到東西，就是把頭腦抓破了也不會憑空想到，就放著吧！像lomo一樣，我願意等那個驚喜，願意相信上帝已經計劃好了，我按部就班，做好自己就可以了。

那天我讀了一本推理小說，日文翻譯的，書名是 “畢業”。我因該有蠻多東西要說的，關於那個故事，關於故事如何觸動著我。而我很高興的，因為我又找到了自己喜歡的小說，除了九把刀。人總要看很多很多書，不能只喜歡一個作家，不能只有單一的依靠。現在看的是“重返人間”，英文還是法文翻譯的不知道。可是我覺得這個故事的作者有很強的細節處理，從環境到氣味，到凌亂的思緒。我喜歡，那一種可以跟著書裡的細節，去建造自己的畫面的參與感。偶爾我會希望這部戲會被 “The Social Network ”的導演拿去拍成電影，因為我覺得如果可以用那種絕佳的分鏡，故事的銜接會更緊湊。然後我還有一本村上春樹擱著，不是說了我想要讀一本村上春樹嗎？挺好的，想什麼，有什麼。

 

“真好，我好像，想要的，都得到了！”

“因為你的願望卑微得過於垂手可得”

“是嗎？這樣哪裡不好？”

“沒有不好啊！只是很少人了解，簡單的快樂，和復雜的快樂，都是一樣的快樂，只是過程的艱辛，決定了果實的甜酸度。其實都一樣啊，一個很有錢的人覺得自己很富有所以快樂地笑了，一個很窮的人覺得自己吃得很飽所以快樂地笑了。哪裡不一樣？”

green

My sister likes green. She eats capsicum, she rip green leaves off trees as bookmarks, she even tried snatching the traffic light when it turns green. Sometimes, she come into my room, where she found my school books in green cover, she secretly took it and, keep the cover under her bed. ONLY the cover.

One weekend morning where we’re having breakfast in a nearby market, I saw her eying my green coloured bowl of soup. My brother slightly pushed me under table, and before something bad ever happened, I pushed that bowl to her.

Sometimes my brother and I got fed up and tried taking it to my mother. My mothers always say its just kid things, and she promised it will get better.

Well, that was before she kept fresh veggies beneath her for-green-only bed. I read on the newspaper that green is a colour for peace. My brother told me my sister could be the next Adolf Hitler. Only she is nothing on races, she’d call for a war tao paint everyone else green.

My grandma visited last week. She came with a green blouse. I, with my brother picked her up from the bus stop. We lied to her that we wanted to buy her a present, then we got her a new top. fully without green. not even a dot.

We then got home, with my sister playing her used-to-be-pink-but-now-green doll. She is feeding the green doll some…. oh, my text book cover. She greeted and the next second, I think we all saw something ran through her eyes. We double checked ourselves, and grandma. We don’t see anything green…I guess?

Morning the next day, my grandma couldn’t find her jade ear rings.

My mum started feeling the fear which I had for sometime. Maybe ever since I found veggies under my sister’s bed. She discussed with my dad for a therapy session. My dad was shocked that we kept this from him. He wondered if my sister could take it, like therapy session for a 9? He said he needed some space for consideration, and asked us to leave him alone as he does this thinking.

“Sure, but be fast.” said my brother.

He then made himself a cup of coffee, and started thinking where to start from in this matter. He walked upstairs, into my sister’s room. My mum was already in there. She is reading my sister’s diary. My dad was a bit shocked that my mum is doing so, he thought he could still use some privacy. My mum turned and passed my dad the diary. She hid her face into her hands for a second before she left the room.

Dad hold the book and still not sure about whether he should read this. He sat on the bed, with diary still on his hand. Lime wall and ceiling, green table, dark green shelves, yellowish green bed sheets, dolls all in different green roughly painted.

My brother walks in with a guitar on him. He simply plays some random songs. He too take a good look over the room. My father started flipping the diaries. Even the words are in green and not to mention the pages.

My brother is still playing random songs, and my dad is getting a lil annoyed. He is reading a normal daily words of a 9-year-old girl, if minus the green colour part.

He is still annoyed by my brother’s random guitar noise, that he stood up and went for my mother. He turned to my brother and say, get your elder sister and come down to the kitchen. WITHOUT, that guitar.

My father cast for a vote. Then we started searching for therapist details. Dad say this is a to-be-lay-low matter, all we did was go online to check and my mum is fliiping yellow page. My dad called my uncle who works in a hospital. He seem to be in great difficulty trying to make up stories about why he need info about a therapy. He ended up with the same old reason everyone else use, “just asking for my friend you know…bla bla bla”

My brother shifted his laptop to my side. He messaged me through MSN asking what is the main criteria in searching for a therapist. I copied to the question to google and sent him the result link. I don’t know if that’s gonna help.

My mum bookmarked a few pages, and she came by our side, asking for our findings. Right, 2 person googling for the samething comes out the few same answer. Websites more to commercial of some hospital.

My dad hung up his call, and asked my mum, should the therapist be a psychologist or a psychiatrist? We three stunned. Its still weird to imagine I’m sending a 9 year old to a problem-mentally place.

Then my phone rang, my sister. She was at the tuition centre and is ready to go home. My parents then decided, my brother and I will fetch my sister and took her out for fun. Whereby my parents will be at the school, talking to someone.

We brought her to the mall, bought her ice cream, mint icecream. Then we brought her to the bookstore. She is flipping some books about botanical. I sat beside her and then I couldn’t help asking, “sis, what so good about green?”

She is still flipping that book of plants. slowly utter words sound like this “its beautiful”. My brother then came with a pink colour guitar, children ones. He asked her whats so bad about pink? All girls like pink. My sister says, its ugly.