二十多岁的时候，你很多梦想
你要去抓住它

因为三十岁的时候，你要去拥抱你二十岁的梦

Look up to the sky not just the floor

"Million Years Ago"

by, Adele

I only wanted to have fun

Learning to fly learning to run

I let my heart decide the way

When I was young

Deep down I must have always known

That this would be inevitable

To earn my stripes I'd have to pay

And bare my soul

I know I'm not the only one

Who regrets the things they've done

Sometimes I just feel it's only me

Who can't stand the reflection that they see

I wish I could live a little more

Look up to the sky not just the floor

I feel like my life is flashing by

And all I can do is watch and cry

I miss the air I miss my friends

I miss my mother I miss it when

Life was a party to be thrown

But that was a million years ago

When I walk around all of the streets

Were I grew up and found my feet

They can't look me in the eye

It's like they're scared of me

I try to think of things to say

Like a joke or a memory

But they don't recognise me now

In the light of day

I know I'm not the only one

Who regrets the things they've done

Sometimes I just feel it's only me

Who never became who they thought they'd be

I wish I could live a little more

Look up to the sky not just the floor

I feel like my life is flashing by

And all I can do is watch and cry

I miss the air I miss my friends

I miss my mother I miss it when

Life was a party to be thrown

But that was a million years ago

A million years ago

**************************

When was the last time a song caught you right in the act of life?

It struck through you and instead of crying, 

you were left suffocating in the eerie silence.

You can't cry.

For your heart is weeping and bleeding

You are worried,

about yourself.

下降的速度太快，来不及踏上未来

In the end, we all regretted for a poorly hand-shake goodbye

Years later, as you sit back at your leather-made sofa, watching your kids running around your thousand-dollar carpet,

You began to think back of the people at the very beginning of your working life

How long have you been working?

5 years? 10 years?

And then even that year old awkward goodbye hugs seem precious.

Because time washes off the harshness of reality,

What remains, are the essence of your memories.

The smile, the laughs, the helpless hopeless working papers,

They all look cute from afar. FROM AFAR.

And if situation allows, flip out your phone,

Call a person or two

“Hello, its me. I was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet~”

#Thoughts 001

I think the sadness and pathetic of life sink in when we realize, we actually like 2 different life that cannot be together.

As a human of this world at this time, we are taught to be logical. If you are not, you belong to an asylum. And by logic, it means everyone can be measured with pros and cons, every event in life can be carefully analyzed for advantages and disadvantages. We are supposed to level between these and figure out the most cost-benefit way of them all.

You like football and you like baseball? Well play both and find out which one you are better at. Here I use the word “better at” instead of “liked the most” because, well, if you purposely choose something that you like for your own pleasure, you are dumb, you are stupid and you are the negative example for the whole next century.

There is no such thing as both, or have it all. That I get.

There are so many things in this world that you can have, but “All” is never an option.

Even for those people who say those women who have both wonderful family and successful careers, they say these women have everything.

Nope. Nope, but not in a negative way.

These people are more determined I guess. They are pretty clear that they want a wonderful family and successful career. You try mixing a wonderful family, a successful career and plenty of leisure time for self. Pretty impossible. You have only one life, made up by 60 seconds per minute and 24 hours a day.

Basically everything you do has a tik-tok.

In what that has inspired me into writing these, it’s when Robin & Barney first got engaged.

Ted had been all fine and obsessed of being a “main-of-honor”, and somehow Lily got Ted up in the roof and say, “I’m gonna give you an out”.

“Sometimes I wish I am not a mother. I wish I can just pack up a bag and leave in the middle of the night, never coming back.”

“Robin shouldn’t be with Barney. She should be with me”

(One thing with these sitcoms, is that they are relatable. Somehow some part of  these seemingly ridiculous story is part and parcel of your whole life, if not summary of it. #ExaggeratingToMakeAPoint)

I always wonder how people get up, decide that ok, I want a family and I want nothing but a family. People, as in my parents. I always label myself as the wasted kid. You know, the one you wished you hadn’t had. My parents have been really awesome, like providing me education, needs, luxuries and even dreams. My parents made it a thing to celebrate every year during my birthday. We get to go fancy western restaurant where I will order chicken chop and milkshakes.

They love me like any pure love a parent can ever give a child, maybe even more.

It’s just, sometimes, I don’t think I deserve such love.

For all these years, I felt like I am the worst kid.

Always waiting to flee the warm comfortable nest

Always dreaming for tougher and bigger shits

Chinese has a saying that says to not travel far when the parents are around.

I can’t.

Simply just can’t.

As I flip back the old photos of me, I felt bad.

My parents have positive expectations on me.

But I grew up this rebellious immature emo kid.

I never said I love you to my parents and the thought of that grosses me.

I don’t realize the need to call home randomly.

My mum had to text me like “Hey its been 2 weeks not hearing from you, how are you?”

I wished I could be more caring.

Keep them in my concern.

(TruthBeTold, I think I have no concern.)

Maybe I was right all the time, I am incapable to love.

That’s why I guilt over the love people showered on my.

My family, my friends.

Probably same reason why I keep losing friends too.

怕什么，从你双脚用力的踩在地上抬头挺胸眼神坚定的那一刻，你就赢了

我已只有在关注欧阳娜娜

除了觉得她实在漂亮得很自然，也觉得她拉大提琴的眼神很专注

我不懂的评价五官，只是整体上，我觉得她很真

前阵子闹得沸沸扬扬的是她休学的决定

跟我没有半毛钱关系

我只是觉得她还是很真，休学这事我看不懂

但今天我突然看到一个视频，娜娜妈妈说她第一次带娜娜到北京见被北京爱情故事的导演

导演问了娜娜，你想演这部戏吗？

娜娜说，想。

导演又问，为什么？

娜娜说，因为我不希望我的人生只有大提琴。

我才明白，她休学休得很值得。

姑不论她究竟会否发光发热，但是一个愿意拿自己的生命去赌的人

我尊重她

琴拉得很好，不代表你就只能拉琴

想拉琴，又想演戏，为什么不可以两个都选？

有些人就是要追求人生的宽度

怕什么，从你双脚用力的踩在地上抬头挺胸眼神坚定的那一刻，你就赢了

今天跟妈妈坦白在心里纠结好久的情绪

妈妈说，我们不要跟别人比较。我们自己做好就好。

妈妈说，如果你真的很累，想休息，可能考完试，你就回家吧。

妈妈说，爸爸妈妈很骄傲，你可以有一份这样的工作，努力的去做。

妈妈说，你才25岁，不要钻牛角尖，不要给自己太大压力。

妈妈说，哭一下，发泄一下，也好。然后就不要再去想它。

妈妈说，以前补习的英文老师Puvan还记得你们，他跟爸爸说哥哥和你是他那里补习补了很久的学生。

妈妈说，你以后有什么想不开的，就打给我们聊一聊。

妈妈说，你要好好吃饭，好好睡觉，好好的做。是不是工作不喜欢了？是不是受不了了？是不是做不下去了？想要回家吗？

妈妈说了好多好多，深怕我会陷下去一样。

我爸爸妈妈一直都很努力想给我的生活好一点

给我教育，给我我想要的冒险

我常常觉得爸爸妈妈双手捧了一堆堆的好东西送到我的面前

我却好像一直在原地踏步

好想回家

我哭得好累，哭得头好痛。

但是我的眼泪怎么停不了

我这样哭，会不会瞎掉？

要直视宿命的眼睛

要勇敢而正直的，直视宿命的眼睛

每一个为了生活踏实工作的人，都是高尚的灵魂

我不委屈，我不转弯

我，不气馁。

這一次 你真的很介意

周六的深夜，甚至可以说初晨？
我在听陈奕迅

刚过的周五是我在这里第三年的公司年度晚会
两年了，在这里

从朦胧到懵懂，再到崩溃再到离开，再到重新开始再到现在

我好不容易，心里坦荡了些

我觉得刚过的周五，是一个最高点
那天我在乎的人都在，大家都很开心
走走跳跳聊聊吃吃

我觉得人生就是一直不停的堆叠，叠成一个完美的金字塔
然后开心的围着塔转圈圈，然后生活就无情的摧毁整个不论任何心血
一开始我们傻眼，然后默默地捡起碎片重新开始

一次，两次，三次。。。然后我们就习惯了

而周五，就是我第N次建好金字塔的那一天

我很用力一直笑，去记住每一个人开怀大笑的样子
有些人往后仰，有人往前俯
我在想这一次命运会把我们冲散成怎样

我已经不再像以前那样无助了
因为无助久了，习惯了

现在听到葡萄成熟时

我都忘了这首歌

原来从听不懂一首歌，到那首歌每句词儿如利刃刺入心里
可以是好几年的慢火炖

最近的生活真的好多好多，好多不如意

我开始幻想也许很多年后，我会思念起现在这个我
涉世未深，却从一个没心没肺的雄孩子，活生生给虐成多愁善感的林黛玉

现在的我，没钱没房没车
但我有自由，那种最接地气的自由

高兴了可以连续一整晚看完一个系列的美国恐怖故事
不高兴了车钥匙抓一抓可以上电影院吃晚餐

很多小确幸，却也很难多坎儿
但谁没坎儿？
人生没垮几道坎儿哪能算活过？

我终于感受到为什么人家总说一个人什么都可以没有，不能没有希望

我在办公室的位子左手边有一道积了太多灰尘的玻璃
下起雨的时候外头看起来特别朦胧，真的就好像被大雨死死掐住一样
偶尔，我会拍下一张窗外的照片

等我离开，我应该会很思念这扇窗吧？

陀飞轮的第一段歌词说十八岁的时候不爱带手表，因为有的是时间
我以前很两极化，有表的时候连洗澡都戴着手表，每一分每一秒斟酌的过
表坏掉的时候，我可以好几个月都没有手表，毫不眷恋

长大后我只有一只手表，每一天象征性的看一看表成了我最喜欢的透透气活动
看着时间一直一直不停不停的走，好像这是我生活里唯一不曾改变的东西

有时我会看着手表然后幻想十多年前的此时此刻，我在干嘛？
是念书呢？还是补习？还是在玩？

我好像再看一次日出，那种口里呵着冷气，手里握着热可可的日出
那样的时候，觉得自己好渺小，却也因为很渺小所以很自由
渺小的时候觉得，哎呀我们要活在当下人生苦短阿

回到现实里，坐在办公桌前，对着不停涌入的email无能为力
疲惫的身躯撑不起歇斯底里的怒吼

很久之前，我已经习惯了把所有的情绪留待在指尖飞舞于键盘之上

行云流水洋洋洒洒的写完各种复函，停下来，却发现自己提起原子笔的姿势那么生疏

我苦笑

科技是进步了，社会是进步了
文明呢？

文明里不时包括了人性吗？
人性里的记录，回忆，这些都没关系？

我好怀念那个看人笔迹猜人个性的日子

长大后，看着手表，只是想知道，究竟我们离开那段最美好的时光，多久了？


小孩的一天很长，一年却很短
成人的一天很短，一天却很长


我就是被这两句给搞哭的

龙有逆鳞 触之必杀

而生命 对每个人都不公平也没道理
只能扑向泥泞迎向那阵骤雨由不得你
­

突来的骤雨 这条街一路泥泞 就像人生 不过是一场即兴
整个世界 正在对我们挑衅 就算如此还是得无惧前进
­手中的邮报 封面的人在微笑 下个路口 生命在暗巷尖叫
活着只是 油墨上面的一角 明天之后 还有谁翻阅得到
­

我跟你用不同方式 踩过前方带刺荆棘
你嚣张不畏惧退缩 我低头沉默却坚定
用力的还击 发出声音 让他们安静 不敢相信
继续前进 他们畏惧 睁大眼睛 他们躲避
然后放弃 专心聆听 我的声音
­­­­­

而生命 对每个人都不公平也没道理
只能扑向泥泞迎向那阵骤雨由不得你
­如果生命对每个人都不公平也没道理
那就让我带着孤寂继续前进直到光明
­

我 我 我 只有一种容貌 我就是永远不会倒
我就算逆境环绕 我面对也要带着笑
­我只有一种咆哮，我要让他们都知道
我生命再怎么粗糙，我都要活的很骄傲

我说自尊啊 看起来或许可笑
但它至少 撑着我，试着不让我跌倒

活着 如果只是不甘寂寞的喧嚣
那就咆哮吧 让每个人都能听得到
­

用力的还击 发出声音 让他们安静 不敢相信
继续前进 他们畏惧 睁大眼睛 他们躲避
然后放弃 专心聆听 我的声音

­而生命 对每个人都不公平也没道理
只能扑向泥泞迎向那阵骤雨由不得你
­如果生命对每个人都不公平也没道理
那就让我带着孤寂继续前进直到光明­­‑

Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer

As I sit in here at my table in the office, I felt misplace.

I thought I wanted a different job.

You know, like a different country, different horizon, different life, different world.

I watched a video last night about a baby getting his hearing aid for the first time.

His eyes almost popped.

For months I have been in a deep deep valley of disappointments, and this video worked its way in like a little spark. For probably the first time, I saw light.

I cried. A lot. Ever since, I realize I am a very pathetic person.

The kind that doesn’t deserve pity.

I realize all these struggle, started since the day I mentally die.

I forget when, but its like my consciousness has have enough.

I wanted to convey gratefulness and apologies to my parents.

I thank the both of you for relentless understandings, on your rebellious daughter.

Now that I have met more people, it strike me as of how much you have tried to be understanding.

Its never a reason to blame if we never grew close, its just, I felt really bad because I ruined your chances to have a heart-felt daughter.

Sometimes, I see my friends have these little special routines with their mums. They’d share makeups, they’d talk about daily life, they’d share, a lot of their daily lives with their mums. Well I don’t. And I don’t know how to.

Many people prescribe me as unfriendly before they know me. And from there, they just don’t wanna know me anymore. And it never had been an issue to me until I realize it might be the same case with my parents also.

What its like to raise your kid but never get to understand them?

I picture raising kids like raising your own friend. You let them run their own life, but you wish you could stay close.

Leekahinn, why do you have to distant yourself like all the time?

Maybe its unfair to say I never miss home, more like, I never felt that I have left.

Because it has been pretty much the same thing.

Only sometimes, I miss the TV at home.

But other than that, I don’t really feel the need of a physical appearance of my home.

Its in me. And as long as my parents are reachable through phone/ social media, anywhere, is my home.

Sometimes, when you are alone in a land of strangers, you feel lonely. Or Rather, I felt lonely.

But somehow, I talked myself through and believed that I will be a loner for the rest of my life, and so I better suck that up.

So I shut the fuck up, cry myself to sleep, and wake up another person, who is now stronger and never feel lonely or scare.

I am scared of all sort of animals, basically anything with eyes, or fur, or hair, or slimy-ness.

But if I were to be locked in the dungeon with any of these, I wouldn’t surrender.

Life turned me into a fighter and unfortunately, life forgot to turn off the dreamer part of me.

Every now and then, I picture a full frame photo, with everyone I have ever heard of or came to know.

I like to picture each of them at the best of their smile.

It makes me felt like this world is probably not that bad.

I used to label myself as an optimist. Now, I am not sure if I’m pessimist or depression.

Sam's

I am feeling a lot of imbalance.

Can't juggle between jealousy or pure jealousy.

SO, I was thinking I can blog about something happy,
to help get over this huge negativity.
(or should I just do awkward-dance to shake-it-off)

The only happy thing about me recently is that Sam got married.
I mean I always thought she has been in a stable relationship, but still, it felt warmingly to see them become husband and wife.

Sometimes, I do think I am pretty lucky in many sense.
Having met kind people around my life and thus soften my edges a tiny bit.

I met Sam at the doorstep of my first job, and she stayed friend.
We grew close somewhere around sometimes that I have forgotten.

But in my memory, she has always been this kind person with generous spirit.

(yup, she offered me food before. and whoever that has gave me food, will always remain in my prayers.)

We didn't stay long in the dinner for their ROM.
It was packed and everyone is trying to get a hold of the bride and groom.

I think everyone is genuinely happy.

If only I could have such happiness to stick around for a longer while

I can't help my pessimistic.

But I really wanna be happy for sam.
I declared yesterday a happy day.
And soon enough, reality bitch slap me and lure me into work.

Sam, I am very, utterly, utmost-ever-ly happy for you.
I always will be.

Its just, I have too much hate and sadness.
I am not as cool as I thought.
I am just another piece of crap.

Crap bag.

Friends S10E16

people will grow apart
that is just what it is about in this life

Nothing were ever meant to stay

And as I was typing this, my friend sent me a job vacancy in Finland.

"..as she flee the country.."

this sentence always gets to me
it goes straight into the core of my heart and stab right through

I even thought of getting a job in Bangkok.

Its killing me that I am not doing any adventure

If only I could have somebody to turn to
or a room where I know I would find food and friends

ya, 25 and realize I have been losing all my friends.

So hey current friends, don't leave, please?

Kahinn and her books

what do you know, once a blogger always a blogger

I thought I couldnt write much these days.
All I have was pieces of stories which I never could finish.

I really wanted to finish them.
Its just, somehow my characters stayed helpless like me
While I can't even find a way out myself, what are there for those fictional characters.

Writing stories is quite a personal enjoyment.
I never share any of those with anyone, because I just can't.

These stories are all a part of me.
My memories, my expectations, my wishes, my jealousy

I like reading and I like writing.

I was talking to the roomate the other day.
We were talking about interview questions, and I said I would always say reading even though it kinda mean I am a boring person.
She laughed and proceeded to agree, 'Ya, quite lame'

Err. right.

Okay I know, I would judge too if it weren't for me.

I really enjoy reading,
not only because it makes me look smart (I figure this probably didnt work after all..)
I enjoy stories, like any stories but the I-love-u-u-love-me-but-lets-cry kind of romance
anything but that.

English stories in general annoy me with the extended pace
(like 3 pages to describe an autumn morning. no thanks)

I recalled i once read one full page paragraph describing a garden bench.
NOPE.

I guess the only good traits my parents instilled on me successfully was to be read.
I can easily lure my dad into buying any books.
And my mum, she bought a whole set of encyclopedia for me and my brother.
The set was a fun one, I remember I loveeeeee the one with ancient history.
Oh and I would take those (hardcovers) and pretend it was my laptop.

And somehow, I actually miss playing with my legos.
I was never good at that, but those were some great fun among my dull life.

oh wait, this was supposed to be about me and my books.

Books. hmm, I read like a nerd.
Nothing fancy like a cafe with jazz and coffee with natural setting.
I just want to cozy up with my blanket and enter into a mental journey

But for that sense, I really wanted a good reading chair.
You know, something like a bean bag but better
Where you can sit you can lie and,
just something that can ease my back bone/ spinal cord...

BookNerds should dream for a book shelf but for me,
I really want a great chair to adventure into

I seriously don't mind my books scattering

In fact, I like it when they are not-organised

As if I could pick up anything and be surprise!



Sometimes, when I was watching a movie, I narrate it.
I would describe those empty scene and I really enjoyed that !



well you go ahead and judge

Masking

I've started to reduce my times here, here what I'd prefer to call my memory banks.

2 years ago, I wouldn't have imagine what was it like to stop writing on my blog.
Now, I just miss the times when I have too much about me to tell.

Some people once told me only lame people write blog/ diaries, others are too busy living their awesome shining life.

Well that is not true.

My life has got even lame-r than it ever had been but I stopped writing.
Maybe people just stop reflecting on themselves when they are too busy or too free.
Either of the extreme, you felt like you are occupied by the glory or the emptiness, it just kept you from thinking about yourself

So how was me?

I started putting on makeups. It became a ritual.
I dress up myself, put on high heels, paint my face, and ready to smile at the bad times.

I enjoy staring into the mirror as my cleanser melt the makeups away.
It calms me down. Its more like a symbolic action to me.
Like I'm finally off that table of documents and back to the leekahinn who had never grow up a single bit.

Well, I hadnt do my birthday post this year.
Might as well make this one of it.

I forgot when I stopped celebrating birthdays.
Mum & Dad used to take us out for a decent western meal on our birthdays.
And we get to go Toys  R Us, pick up a toy that I would lose interest as soon as I get a hold on it.
That's just what I do, buy something just to own and forget about the initial craze.

way to go leekahinn. way to go.

uh huh. uh huh. I have always been aware of my 3-minute interest in basically everything.

so, I was talking bout make-ups.
Or the mask I have been wearing upon facing reality.

I think all my emoness was about whether I should keep on having the mask on and off and should I just let the mask melt upon my face?

I mean, calling it a mask may not do much justice, cause, I'm not an entirely different person under it and without it.
Its just, all those makeups, high heels, dresses and coat, it made me felt, hmm what's the word, stronger? mentally stronger?
Like I am more ready, or acceptable, towards the meaness coldness illogical shits.
and that I can take more rejects, huge NOs, firm NOs, fucking NOs, I-m-too-busy-so-no NOs.

The thing is growing up, is that I realize the spaces around me getting smaller.
MENTAL spaces.

Like when you were a kid, I felt like I have so many things!
I would walk around the house at 12 am when everyone is sound asleep,
and I would just count on the stuffs I have

From soft toys to random stationary to cds

I had so much that I used to make myself decide which to bring had I were ever ordered to evacuate... *assuming scenes of apocalypse*

#ProudOfMyImaginations

I always struggled! Do I bring more books to appear smart or bring more huggybears/barbie dolls to appear soft and weak.

At that age, I always believe that if you could convince people that you are soft and weak, you can be anything you want. Well, at least that's what school had taught.
Cry whenever the teacher wanna question you, they will just know you are innocent, and ready to trust all your bull shits. It helps when you are tiny and fair too.

When you are gigantum like me, don't bother trying.
You hardly see people lovingly look at a whale or a shark don't you

So back to my struggles. Apparently, back then, I wasn't so much a book person.
I was lame and ordinary.

I like barbie dolls, totally bought-in the rich prince poor servant love.
I believed in the television, to be precise, the craps in the television.

But hey look at me now, I drive recklessly, live like a hobo, and sometimes secretly wanna be a beggar for a day.
I have packed and packed many times in my life and I'm getting good at it.

Whenever I go, I don't really unpack.
Because I always felt like I'm leaving soon, SOON.

I don't bother settling stuffs into organised manner because I always have this deep intuitive that i am leaving.
Settling down never sound like an option to me.
It was always something I wish others well for.

"Oh hey, happy for your marriage, so settling down huh? Good for you!"
"I heard you've been on a new job for a while. How was it? Great You think gonna stay?Wow terrific! I am so happy to hear this!"
"So you think you will move to the new place with your boyfren? Glad that you guys are taking the next step! Way to go!! Having your own family has always been your dream ain't it! Please don't you ever forget to invite me on your wedding!"
"Going further studies? WOW! Thats good thing! I thought its about time you start pursuing something you want!Keep me posted! Well send me some postcards will ya?"

Seeing people taking off into another phase of life
Seeing people choosing to call a place home

I never understand that

What was it like to settle down?
What was it like to wanting to settle down?

Does it mean you stop worrying about you running out of disposable underwear?
Does it mean you stop worrying about missing an obvious opportunities?
Does it mean you can officially say that your primary commitment need you?
Does it mean you don't feel as worthless during weekends?


What is the weight of such commitment?


As I am washing my hands in that washroom of client with and office of 1970s,
I lift my head and accidentally caught a glimpse of my reflection

And every time, I hear Mulan closing the door and begun singing,

"Look at me,

I will never pass for a perfect bride, or a perfect daughter.

Can it be, 

I'm not meant to play this part?

Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself, 

I would break my family's heart.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection someone I don't know

Somehow I cannot hide,

Who I am, thought I've tried, 

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

How I pray, that a time will come, 

I can free myself, from their expectations

On that day, I'll discover someway to be myself,

and to make my family proud.

They want a docile lamb, 

No-one knows who I am.

Must there be a secret me, 

I'm forced to hide?

Must I pretend that I am someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?"

- Mulan, Reflection

Who is this pale face with annoying blush spot?
Who is this in dresses and high heels walking upright trying to speak convincing and persuasive?

Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?
Must there be a secret me, I'm forced to hide?

I don't hate myself under this working look,
its just, I wonder what is the balance between the working look and my just-me-surviving look?


Writing like this makes me feel awesome.
Right, its the best in fact.
Easily I felt ok again.

I always feel ok again.

晚安曼谷

本着怕死的的心提前四小时到机场，还被工作人员拒绝寄行李，因为太早了。

这一次真的好短，却很丰富。这就是充分的感觉吧？

第一次只有自己，走在人们以讹传讹的曼谷街头，我觉得无比轻松！

对于曼谷，我从来没有期待过什么。但这么短短的几天，我已然成了曼谷的铁杆粉丝，誓死维护这个城市的高调，这个城市的低调。

但这不就是生活吗？在你忙于奔波忙于计划的当儿，生活亦步亦趋的在你的周围突然丢给你一份惊喜。

我之前想好要来曼谷写一个故事，结果每天我都傻不啦叽的在大街上四处蹿。太阳很烈，但我的心很野。今天早上睁开眼，正对着床边的小窗，绿意盎然的叶子映着橘黄色的阳光。我突然想起Pat是今早十点的飞机，转头一看她的位置已人去床空，雪白的床单套件好象在重启欢迎模式，等着下一个人拥抱入眠。我转回头看了看手机，早上七点。

心里油然而生一股浓烈的不舍之感，再几个小时，我的位置也会这样，挥一挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩。我开始努力地想记住每一个人，第一个是自由行却搞出旅行团阵仗的Pat，然后是很努力证明自己是广东人的Zain，还有那个十点多才check in却还要出去的Alice，最后一晚还有穿好衣服等着出门high的Maggie和Peggy。我在床上一遍一遍得想着短短的四天我们每晚躺在床上乱七八糟的聊天的情况。

今天临走，Som帮我把行李扛上车。她跟我拥抱道别，然后阳光的对我挥手。

我跟她说，谢谢你给我了最棒的曼谷。

我在往机场的路上看着街景掠过车窗，我在想究竟是我们错过了风景还是风景错过了我们。

我刚到旅舍的那一天，时间是午后的4点多。我跟同事讨论完工作的内容就慌慌张张的跑到天铁站正式开始我的奇幻冒险。一路上，我茫然地看着天铁窗外的天空，是蓝白分明的大晴天。那时候我想问，这个国家，该不会不下雨吧？确实，那蓝天白云的颜色鲜艳的好象不曾被洗涤过一样。曼谷，究竟是怎么样的呢？

到了旅舍，Som亲切地走向我。她问我是不是刚下的飞机，我说不是，是刚结束公司培训。她恍然大悟说，哦！你就是那个AirBnB的嘛！我们像两个一开始没认出来的朋友一样，瞬间熟悉起来。她让我填了一张个人资料，然后就领着我往房间走去。我印象最深的，是表格上有一个选项，你可以选择yes或者no。选项是，Hug。每每想起这个，我总会微笑。Som领我到我的房间，跟我说了床位的分布，再到公共空间去跟我说了基本设施的使用，然后就留给我一个特阳光的笑容。那笑容真的就好象海边那些拥抱大海的冲浪青年独有的不羁。

那天，我就在公共空间坐到晚上11点。公共空间的设计很漂亮很舒服，阳光透过长型的玻璃窗暖了我的背，我不停的变换坐姿在写报告。期间，有俩住客有一搭没一搭的在聊天，我也混在里头学习怎么正常面对陌生人。他们都说已经旅行快2个月了，而我则好好的隐藏了我的惊讶，但内心却在呐喊，你们他妈哪来的时间啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊！！！！！！！！

阳光渐渐柔和，窗外的吧台和花园已经开起了灯。吧台负责人擦拭着杯子，几个住客围在花园里聊起天，我听到了络绎不绝的吵闹声。我转身看着这美得像幅画的场景，心里对着曼谷的各种问号，暂时歇下。

隔天，我到了Central Embassy去和朋友吃午餐。高端大气上档次的商场，低调奢华有内涵的餐厅，我在曼谷的高楼大厦之中吃了一餐黑松露。商场的设计就是奔着高大上去的，我确实很惊讶，这跟电影里的曼谷，不一样啊！电影里，曼谷就是一排排老旧的店，挂着绿色的蓬，人来人往的大街上，川流不息的车子还有电单车和充满个性的tuk tuk。这些，再加上满天灰尘，还有拎着啤酒的背包客。这才是电视里的曼谷！入夜，七彩的灯光转起来，各种神秘的秀场表演，各种妩媚的眼神从四面八方投射过来，企图把你领进那个其实并不那么禁忌的禁忌世界。

现实的冲击下，曼谷的繁华活生生的包裹着我。我还来不及提问，答案已经一目了然。有地铁的地方总会让我想起新加坡台湾上海。但是在曼谷，我却从神龙摆尾的地铁中看到一点点缓慢。印象中的地铁站，总是一群又一群的人低头刷屏。但是在曼谷，不小心插队的瞬间我震惊的眼神迎来的却是对方亲切地一笑。我猜，我是走了狗屎运，对方非但没有骂我，还倒退一步腾出空间给我。作为一个俗辣，我当然是果断拒绝，然后跑到队伍后方。

但我是真的挺感动的。

我一开始写这篇文，是因为我脑子里积攒了太多情绪。

今天早上交了房卡我匆匆跑到商场去买点东西。我搭着电车跟这个城市倾诉道别。

然后，我也不相信我接下来将说的，但就是发生了，

电车里一遍一遍的泰文广播和熟悉的站名，衬着窗外幻灯片一般的景色，我发现我居然在掉泪。

我想起了在这里遇到的所有人。他们让我明白，这个世界，除了那些我不理解的人，还是有人愿意理解我。我一直很羡慕其他人有姐姐，一个让我倾诉的对象。我也有三个姐姐，但她们毕竟年长我许多，甚至各自有了家庭。25年了，我的感悟是，我不能有任何意思依靠别人的念头。每个人都会在有了自己的圈子以后离你而去。他们不会真的离开，但他们将不再有时间去听你对人生的困惑，抑或对生活的无助。

曾经，有我很重视的朋友跟我说，“你现在的烦恼算什么，等你有了男朋友，对方的家人才是真的烦恼”

原来那句话伤了我这么深。

也好像是那句话开始，我开始小心翼翼的，不再说任何烦恼。

我没有交男朋友啊，我不该去烦他们。

我很怕某天他们突然嫌我烦就再也不理我。

然后我就真的，只有一个人了。

我很怕人家跟我谈起生活，我很怕人家跟我谈起未来。

我觉得这两项我都没有，就连自由，我也不是很确定。

在生活面前，我总是很自卑。

这一趟自己的旅行，我才又遇上了那些和我一样的人。

他们有悔恨，有感慨，但各个都目前的生活保持一种不枉此行的感觉。

写不下去了。我想好好哭。

生生不息

25年来听过的歌不算多也不算少

但再也没有一首歌像许巍的那样

今天看见有人写说许巍的第一张专辑是在别处，再到现在的此时此刻

我仿佛看见自己的影子

我总觉得自己的生活应该在别处，想寻找的一切总是在别处

所以我很努力的奔跑，拼了命的追逐一个扑朔迷离的期望

会不会其实我在找的一切其实就在此时此刻

生命的答案不再他方，而是在自己

我走到哪里，答案就在哪里

想起等一个人咖啡，思萤说答案在问题出现以前就已经存在

也许，是同样的道理也说不定

許巍——《空谷幽蘭》

縱有紅顏 百生千劫

難消君心 萬古情愁

青峰之巔 山外之山

晚霞寂照 星夜無眠

如幻大千 驚鴻一瞥

一曲終了 悲欣交集

夕陽之間 天外之天

梅花清幽 獨立春寒

紅塵中 你的無上清涼寂靜光明 

默默照耀世界

行如風 如君一騎絕塵

空谷絕響 至今誰在傾聽

一念淨心 花開遍世界

每臨絕境 峰回路又轉

但憑淨信 自在出乾坤

恰似如夢初醒 歸途在眼前

行盡天涯 靜默山水間

傾聽晚風 拂柳笛聲殘

踏破芒鞋 煙雨任平生慧行堅勇

究暢恆無極

我是不是已经到那个，无法说出自己最爱的歌的时候了？

因为每一首，都是我生命中的回响，日日夜夜，生生不息