我相信着有一天，我会成为自由业者。

有时候大清早起床，11点以前把工作清单一气呵成

有时候打扮也还不睡觉，追着肥皂剧一把眼泪一把鼻涕的工作

对于孤单的恐惧，让我不得不认真的面对孤单

很多人都说，‘你总会遇到一个陪你一生的人，你要等。’

我不置可否。

但我知道，只有让自己武装起来，才不会掉入失望的深渊而永不超生

我24岁，活了这24年

拥有了所有励志书中所能提及的幸运

我爸爸妈妈，尽管我再不认同他们的方法，他们是爱我的

我哥哥，尽管我们的童年除了打打杀杀就只剩视而不见，但一知道我宿舍有小流氓就马上给他朋友打电话并表达关切的哥哥，他还是把我当成妹妹的

我阿公阿妈，尽管我们之间常常隔着一个时代的小河，但看着我长成球一样还面不改色地说我是骨架大，理所当然地让我肆无忌惮的继续吃，他们是把我当成孙女在宠溺的

我干爸干妈，尽管我们没有血浓于水，但大老远的来看我工作的环境，还特地给我带亲手做的粽子，他们是爱着我一如女儿一般的

我的干姐姐们，尽管我们年龄差距加没有血浓于水，但她们哪一个的小孩，都从小被教育说我是他们的小阿姨。她们是把我当成家人那般包容着。

我的亲姑们，尽管我们那么的聚少离多，但她们哪一个不是在黄色潜水艇里，和我并肩活着

我的食友们，尽管我们那么的不一样，但吃着好的总还是会想给他们来上一口，恨不得他们突然出现和我抢着最后一口

我的书友，尽管我们基本不爱同一类书，但哪次读着好句子都想分享给她，喝上好酒也特别希望给她留上一点

其实我想说的是，我觉得我已经得到很多爱

关于爱这件事，我好似没有在这里提过多少

其实我真的觉得，老天爷待我不薄

总觉得自己如此莽撞还能安然无恙的活着，是老天爷慈悲为怀

我是那种会偶尔看着天空，突然的就觉得‘天啊，我命真好’的那种

不要比。真的不要和任何人比

老天爷不欠你，全世界都不欠你，没有人有义务去确保你的一切是最好的

自己要的东西，要自己给自己

我那么努力让自己一个人好好的活着

那么努力

我真心感谢老天爷给或不给我的

呃，然后我一不小心忘了这个开头是要往哪里去

哈哈哈哈哈哈

啊啊啊啊好想好好的放空

夜已深，简单的记下自己吧

说实话，我喜欢我目前的工作。

累人也就累人了，二十四岁是个应该冲锋陷阵的年龄

现在回头看看当初在audit的自己，请允悲

其实没什么，只是想记一下喜欢自己的工作的那个自己

我对于未来是很没有规划的

前几天吧，和朋友们聊起结婚这类成长的课题

我才发现，我这一辈子，从来没有设想过自己的人生会不再是自己一个人

小时候的李佳恩是极其自卑的，他武装自己，只希望别人不要看到她一丝丝的害怕

也许现在的我快乐了，但那么长的一段日子里，自卑已经俨然变成我的一部分

我永远，都会是这么胖胖的，一副路人甲炮灰乙流氓丙土匪丁的长相

别说女人了，连个人有时候我也觉得自己是勉强凑合

除了我刚才提到的家人朋友，实在不会有人发现我的存在

更何况，我总是害怕自己留下任何痕迹

我总是巴望着有一天，我就这么头也不会地走，一直头也不回地走

May I love you

Hey.

So where did i last stop?

Oh... 11th of April. Good job leekahinn.

Good job.

First of all, we set the blog private because our parents don’t appreciate our honesty. And that was when we posted the thing about our aunt.

They say its irrespectful and is inappropriate.

Well, if she can carry herself like that, then she should have seen this coming.

My dad asked me what I would feel if someone is writing about me the same way.

Frankly, i don’t really care.

Too many people judge and its their right to do so.

So if i live the way I wanted, and it annoyed some people, too bad for them.

I only care if i ever hurt them.

For those I have hurt, Im sorry.

I apologize for not being observant enough that i hurt you.

But we had to took the blog off. I don’t like the idea that MY PARENTS who already don’t quite know me, makes objective judgement on me based on my writings.

My parents weren’t there during my rebellious years.

Like every kid, i kept everything to myself.

i still remember how my mum used to talk bad about my friends and my friendships

the fact that they are my source of positivity until today, is the main reason why i stopped believing in others opinion. Yes i do refer to others opinion, but in the end, i make the final call.

And then as i grow up, i tried to open up to my parents, but it was already too late.

You know, like you try to invite them into your world, to see things the way you do?

That was the time bastard newspapers go around the topic like

‘The 90s kid, can they survive the real world?’

‘90s kid – SPOILT by technology’

‘Youngsters – no wifi no life?’

‘The youngsters these days – fragile? Weak?’

‘The youngsters – they thought they are clever enough. THEY thought.’

(total crap)

Thank you newspaper.

Now no matter how i try, no matter what opinion i made,

It wouldn’t worth a penny at home.

Because I am the 90s kids.

wait, let me get my politely-rude lipstick.

So ya, we are still haunted by the gap.

Urm, the main point about this post is supposed to be us.

Its end of May now.

We have been in advisory department for a month now.

Too much to say, and still not sure where to start.

We had the busiest month, where we rush in and out.

And we actually had a lot to blog about. Too many things we need to remember.

But we had literally no time.

On average, we got home around 11-12... there are records of 2 am and 3 am..

The job we did are very very similar to the assignments we used to have.

Reminded us about our college life.

(note to self: since we have left audit department, we gotta start writing some memories in audit. For the friends we made in audit has been some real awesome people)

So a lil’ bout the new department, Advisory.

There is a good total of 5 in the department for EYJB. 1 director (Yu Min), 1 S3(Jun Hwa), 1 S1 (Kid Yie), 1 A1(Koji)

The first day was pretty scary until they saw me and gave me a rather warm welcome.

And then i spent the whole day reading some materials they provided.

The next day onwards was when the actual craziness revealed itself.

.

.

.

.

Well. Yea.

Maybe i can talk a lil’ bit more on our last few days in audit..

Oh and also the last engagement we had in singapore.

.

.

.

.till then?

i took a slight break because senior is not here

Its 11th of April.

How time flies huh

Its been a year since we are back from WorknTravel.

We used to have this image, where we sat right beside our backpack on the floor,

 tuck the head between knees, and doze the afternoon away.

It was good reminisching like that, some quality time back in time...

**************************************

I am not a coffee person. I drink the differences, have my own preferrences and thats it.

I don’t really have passion about the ‘best’ coffee

I took it as an option rather than an exquisite experience. Lol.

My morning drinks will always be milo, milk, chocolate or so.

Coffee is more a once in a blue moon thing.

This current job where we are at, the client would make us drinks.

The colleagues have been ordering for coffees.

It was overly sweet and they decided to ask for blacks.

I never had the coffee, for I much preferred my plain water.

The kakak brought in the coffee in a thermoflask jar.

I smelled the most familiar thing of Trindle Road Mcdonalds.

Coffee.

When the smell started to fill my lungs, i felt something butterfly-like in my stomach

I was a little bit shocked to think i have feelings for coffee

As the smell and emotion sank in, I realize I actually missed this smell.

Then images of a ponytail girl in a mcdonalds shirt begin to show,

Rays of Sun beam from the drive through window behind her

She is wiping something off a messy table

Something that looks like choco bits and....

Oh hey.... that’s me cleaning the mess for oreo mcflurry.

HEY!

For a moment there, i stared into emptiness.

I see myself running in and out, with a funny headphone

‘Hi how can I help you today?’

‘would you like it for a large meal?’

‘thank you, your total is 1.06, first window please’

Haha

I would plan out what to do off when I’m off

Probably a movie, or a gym session

Sometimes i stroll around the neighbourhood

Sometimes i think of what to bring home later

I miss spring.

I miss spring.

I miss the morning of winters.

I miss the night of winters.

I miss when I am all tucked in the bed, and have that final 3 minutes talk with the people

Everyone would be in bed, some still with their laptops

Then we would talk stuffs like potato~~ toko toko toko~~~

And i will sleep into some reckless dreams

Until the somebody’s alarm begin again

心里的伤无法分享

自从开始所谓的auditor这份工作以后，我开始频繁的陷入极端的情绪秋千。
一会儿我充满正能量，一会儿我几乎可以马上撞墙去死

实话，我过得很痛苦。

记得刚开始工作的那段日子里，我为我的这份工作感到由衷的快乐。那是一种自以为是的满足，主要源自于我的无知和天真。也许，当初阿娇那么说，也非那么的装孙子。
若果当初我没有把辞职信收回来，这个星期已经是我最后的一个星期。可奈何?

辞职没辞成，倒成了我本来就一事无成的一种讽刺性的衍生。

我没有辞职，我申请调职。

但至今杳无音信。

我累了。真的很累。

当初辞职，实在也是因为自己撑得很辛苦。辛苦得委屈，那个时候的自己在生活面前多么卑微。结果为了一个虚幻的希望把自己拖得更狼狈。

很多同事都问我，"为什么想走?受不了了吗?才第一个peak你就受不了了?"
那天，我的第一个带我外地出差的前辈也问我，"听说你申请调职?"

我笑了笑说，嗯。

那是我的第一个工作任务，在吉隆坡。那个时候，我常常在工作的当儿不由自主的傻笑。那就是我刚提到的，满足。

那时候，我觉得很好，有工作。觉得自己似乎走在康庄大道上，无比期待。

接下来轰隆隆的一切，毁三观，杀个性。
我哭了无数次。

面对那个大家在问的问题，我曾经犹疑过，我李佳恩什么时候居然也成了个落跑的孙子?!

但今天闷热的天气里，我总算给了自己一个说法。

这个世界上有两种人:

一种人遇见不如预期的环境，他们会改变自己，努力融入。他们很少把离开挂在嘴边，看似不潇洒忒执着，但其实那一份坚忍不拔反而让他们在陡峭的山路上走的特别带劲儿。

一种人遇见不如预期的环境，他们会选择离开，但这不是逃避，他们只是觉得既然不适合，那就不勉强。在不改变自己为前提下，他们继续换环境，一直到遇见自己喜欢的、合适的。

总的来说，前者是粘土，后者是拼图片。

粘土可以被刻画成各式模样，摆放在各个角落，拥有各种用途。

拼图只有一个栖身之所，但却是那么的非它不可。

也许，有了可能性就没了存在感吧?


我是后者。原来那么向往漂泊的我反而是最需要找到自己那个非我不可的位置的人。

有家的人才流浪，有自己位置的人才想出走。
没有家的人每天都是流浪，没有位置的人每天都在出走。

我知道自己被什么拴着，所以我才想走。要我若觉得最高程度的自由，我反而会寻找归属，而不是冒险。

自己没有的，才值得找寻。

今天意外明白了自己就是个漂。 南漂?柔漂?

很累了。

什么时候结束啊?

和同事聊天，大家都不胜唏嘘。

我们都曾经整装待发的去战斗，豁了性命，洒了热血，抛了头颅，才发现到头来，国家胜利了，国家强大了。可咱媳妇改嫁了，娃儿不认爹了，村子早炸毁了，两老孤独的老死了。


历史课本说我们是勇敢的战士，壮烈的牺牲了。

可我们的回忆里，我们的生活中，除了夜夜惊醒的噩梦，还剩下什么呢?

有机会你问问那些老兵，不多，就三字儿，"值得吗?"


莫不涕泪纵横啊


岁月是一川洪水，稀里哗啦轰轰烈烈的。

一倾而下的磅礴之势一把掩盖了那些个无可奈何的轻声叹息。

在生活面前，在岁月面前，我们就像黎耀辉要回香港之前去瀑布的那个背影。

看似颇具深意，实则只是一种揉合了怅然若失和无比怀念的无助。


好似所有的回忆都回来了，
又好似所有的回忆都不重要了。

eh future leekahinn
6th March is the night you say byebye to your blackberry

it was a great phone, it has been with us the longest, and has gone through what say as the youthful adventure with us.

we love that blackberry, but it need its rest.
we gonna miss grabbing a phone, all wrapped up in our palm.

your new phone is nokia lumia.

everyone was like,
"huh? nokia?"

but you liked it.

its within price range, and has exactly what we want and miss what we dont.

so yes good.

ok, now your responsible memory need to go back to work.
and you,
i hope my hardwork now means something during your days.

wish you well.



one moment of silence to our little blackberry
of which will always be on my best-phone list.

may you rest, AT EASE.

not in peace, because you're not dead to me, you just retired
stepped down for the young men's to surf

so no one told you that it was gonna be this way

I hardly write about my friends now huh?

Just occasionally mention here and there,

I’ve been meaning to write about my colleagues, the good ones

Those whom I took in as friends, and appreciate them as much as possible

What happen to my usual friends?

Yellow submarine is still here, with everyone floating here and there

And as always have been, I still thankgod for having them as friends

And enjoy sharing awkward funny shy stories with them

We’d talk at least a lil almost daily

I can rant about basically anything, without telling them the whole stories

Now that I think, we have never reach a point where the 3 of us is sunk in the sea of negativity

There will always be 1 or 2 there to flow in the positivity for the one who rant

Oh yes, all of us yell in there from time to time

Because how people around us is on the graph with gradual increase in stupidity

I will go there and swear my ass off and curse the whole world

We always say that if anyone ever retrieve our chat history, we’d be dead meat

We basically talk really mean behind many people.. or their facebook to be precise

The thing is, you see, if you’re stupid, you don’t have to prove to me that you are really stupid.

Well, since yellow submarine has become part of my life, i guess it lose its shine and has then become so normal in my life, i dont bother to tell about.. i mean, there we are, and that’s how we are.

So then same goes to my dearest food friends

Except we don’t really catch up as much as per in yellow submarine

But then again, that’s just how we have been all the while

I can’t rant in both places, copy and paste meh

We’re working on our long-awaited graduation trip,

Right after we have left school for like 2 and a  half year..

I know right, but that’s just how we roll~

No actually, its just how JOANNE roll.

So yea, food friends, we be waiting and waiting..

2 and a half year also we can wait already, why not more right?

Ahhh~ I enjoy talking about my friends

Ooh ooh! My book friend!

My one and only friend who actually have a weird passion over books

And the only friend whom I have gone to a bookfair with

I still remember tangzhilin’s face when I happily show her a book I have been wanting for far too long..

It was this icy cool face with LITERALLY NO EXPRESSION

And Joc’s face when I say I go all pok gai because of the recent book fair thingy.

It was this what-world-are-you-from face

Not like I enjoy that, but as a friend, we are not identical to each other,

We just share some really weird things in common and that’s more than enough for us to friend the whole thing up

So book friend and I are nothing similar too

I actually have met people who told me that book friend and I do not look like 2 person who would click

UH YA, I’m making friends, not twins...

Damn who the hell click with the mirror?!

So book friend, i just mentioned her a few days before

It was us, melacca, and unstoppable desire to be just us

Speaking of her, she is going on another just-her trip

And I couldnt just drive to the destination, so i’ll have to pass this one..

Have fun my friend, i’ll be expecting stories.

At this point, I confess, blogging at work is the only good part of my usual working day

I just cannot resist, I flip open the Ms. Word and I start talking to myself

And the next moment, lunchtime!

Woo best!

Ya right, and then I’ll have to rush my ass off the whole freaking afternoon..

Whoa i scroll through my recent posts and coulndt help but, WHOA! ALL THESE ARE SO RANDOM

Omgoodness leekahinn, we are back to how we used to be during internship...

Oh oh... ohh....

I’ve been reluctant to use ‘dreaded’ to describe how i go by the days

No, definitely no..

I mean, the last thing I could at least do is to not give up right?

At least I still expect something out of the days

I actually wanted to talk about 2 things when I woke up this morning..

With my memory, i manage to secure one, but i had a wrong start and gone a complete different direction.. so I will just go on until somewhere somehow sometime

So back in high school, i have this bunch of friends, we call ourselves 613

(until this day, i would be extra sensitive with this 3 figures)

(like on the cars, or the digital clock, or payment voucher numbers or so)

(I miss us)

So I wanted to talk about this, not like out of the blue, but because the series ‘Friends’I’ve been watching

I crossed the part where Emily had Ross to not see Rachel again and is making him move and stay away

For 613, we were all brats back then, young and dreamy, only seventeen.

I thought we would keep in touch longer than we had

And now, there is only 3 of us in this yellow submarine

I should have seen that coming, for the boys start to fall for the girls and you know, the teenage hormones kicks in, things go all awkward and weird

We had a handicapped-gathering in a friend’s house during CNY

I am the representative of yellow submarine, and i fellt TERRIBLY AWKWARD

Awkward and sad actually, how did we end up so awkward?

I was sitting there eating the food, and years ago we gather around the table and make nonsense jokes

What’s wrong? I kept asking myself

There is this one friend, that I barely talk to now, which was the chauffeur for most of our outings

Damn we used to be in his/lin’s car and live a life of a 17 the 17 way!

And all our interactions was he asking me, ‘so you work in JB now?’

Which ended with me nodding and say ‘yea..’

I didn’t even have the courage to ask back

AND I KNOW THAT IS RUDE

I just can’t stand the feeling of friends now strangers!

I felt awfully pathetic sad and all about this

Then there is this another friend whom I also stopped interact with years ago

We used to talk a lot back in high school, and we even stuck around during the early years in the college

She began asking me about my life, just real casual hi-bye kind you know?

At that point, I thought I was gonna die suffocating from awkwardness

If there is any nightmare that I fear the most, is that when one day, chingulin n chinguyan became like that

People like them who know too much about me, suddenly don’t care anymore

And one day we will walk pass each other, and let ONLY the shoulder touch

That is my worst worst worst EVER nightmare...

And the other day I began writing about 613

I wrote about our days in high school

And I had a real great time even at reminiscing those silly conversations

But I couldn’t continue

Am I suppose to go on and end it with us parted and became strangers?

Or should I fake up a happy ending?

The thing is, this whole friendship thing, I don’t want it to end.

I refuse to accept the fact that it ended JUST LIKE THAT.

Nothing happen, just everyone moved on

And all i have is an empty room with lotsa torn memories

That sucks.

(I should really get back to work)

(damn hell I should)

(ahhh i can afford another quarter hour)

(wey this is blogging, not slacking right?)

(whats with the slogan buildinga better working world?)

(well in a better working world, I BLOG)

So ya, the 613 the memories

Ain’t that sad or whatttttt!

My best form 5 days was spent with them

10 years from now, or 50 years from now

I would wanna sit down with them in a circle and talk about lives, and time flies kinda thing

I wish we could

and my dear yellow submarine, my dear food friends, my dear book friend and my dear colleagues,

I GIVE YOU A BIG BIG HUG AND A 90DEGREE SALUTE TO HAVE CHOSE TO STAY IN MY LIFE. 

terima kasih banyak banyak

and Ross, WE HATED EMILY!

(nope, no just saying, I FUCKING MEAN IT)

The Tipping Point, and me.

I had to took some time off my work today, SPECIFICALLY, NOW.

So the past week and this week, I am assigned for a job that goes by the tagline ‘The job with no tomorrow’ in my office. And, we all know what to expect when your job is locked it since last year. It means someone high above is looking into this engagement since god-knows when.

And I’m with this A2, which is actually a really nice person. Though I have memper-stereotype-kan her to what-i-though-she-would-be. Sorry, I never should have.

And these are not the point. NO.

The reason why I keen-desperately need to write something down is because of the book I accidentally got addicted.

Story start with me tagging along the cousin family to send off the cousin to Koalaland.

It was a whole bunch of people from the family and the awkward element kicks in pretty hard

I reason with the washroom and leave them bunch talking to each other

One of my book-cousin(like book friend, but cousin) tagged along as I shy away from family social

We went to this bookstore in the airport and randomly looking through the shelves

A normal people would not want to buy anything from the airport unless you have to

So i had fun flipping through zodiac signs, horoscope signs kind of books

I hardly read any of these books in english before, so why not?

So piles of this zodiac and horoscope books, i done flipping in like one minute?

I was going to lose interest and want to head over to the children section to look for good old memories

I have this final glance over the pile of current trending books,

And at the very last row of them, a real virtually-dusty corner,

You can probably tell how many people have overlooked that last row, i’d say like 70% of them?

There lies this three books, ‘The Tipping Point’, ‘Blink’, ‘Outliners’.

There is absolutely nothin fancy about the cover.

I know I have been the sight-kind-of-person where i LITERALLY judge a book by its cover INITIALLY. But then, these 3 books, i just randomly stick my hand out and grab’the tipping point’.

The book cover is boring, white and with words. So I grabbed the book, read through the comments and the usual paragraph behind every books. It sounds like 40% interesting from what was on the back of the cover. I looked around and saw my book cousin all ostrich-ing in the fiction shelf, so I thought I’d read something, anything, for she, as per always, takes wayyyyyy longer than average to decide.

I started with the introduction, having no clue on what to expect

Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnddd,

BAM.

*********************************************

HOW MUCH I MISSED SUCH BAM?!!!

Oh i missed out, the bam is the bam of stumble upon

Like you look across the menu and BAM you saw the love of your tummy

Tha kind of BAM..

The last time i had it, was with JiuBaDao when I read ‘Na Xie Nian wo men yi qi zhui de nv hai’ for the first time..

And that is probably wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back when i was 18 or 19

The BAM!! The BAM!!

Not to say I have not met other OH-MY-GOD-BESTnyaaaa book, but after JiuBaDao, I have been pretty active in searching for new books to read. I know I wont be satisfy by JiuBaDao only, so I have been searching and searching.

Like EnZuo, Like Han Han, Like Guo JingMing, Like LaoTzu, Like GuiGuZi, Like LiBiHua, Like YanGeLing, Like LinXi............. don’t get me started

So other than JiuBaDao, all these writers, I know them before I buy their books. I must have read about them on the internet and grew interests on them and ran off to the bookstore.

But this time, its totally out of the blue.

Its like I read the first page and forgot to stop since.

I told my book cousin that I might have found my favourite english writer.

I started googling about this guy and turn out, his birthday is on 3rd September.

SWEET. BABY. JESUS.

Instead of stumble upon his work, I have a feeling that I actually FOUND his works.

Much like when I first read a book about mind reading back then

I got that book from a bookfair in penang whom I attended with book friend

It was on the hit and so I grab one to try

I thought it will be filled with silly mathematics tricks

And turn out it was exactly how I thought things would have been.

BAM!

Okay so I correct myself, the second BAM being the mind reading book, this is the third bam!

And still its the mighty precious BAM, i am still overwhelmed!

For a reader to find their own BAM, is like a lion from the zoo who finally get to taste human flesh.

I know right, its none other than a

MEGA BAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Only, better.

***********************************

So the book name is ‘The Tipping Point’ by Malcolm Gladwell.

I was really fascinated by the first few pages of examples

And I had to swear I will buy the books to make myself put the books down

And then i did, I went to the mall the next day, eagerly and got a total of 4 malcolm gladwell.

I did some research after, and realize there have been 2 extreme review over the books.

I’m the least kind of person who would really believe in reviews when it comes to my books,

So I am still very happy to have found The Tipping Point.

I wished I could have a good holiday where I curl up under a cozy weather and just read off the time.

Ya, I wished right,...

Okay so that is the BAM, the tipping point where I can’t get rid of until I start reading about it

And I have been slacking through my deary Monday

And if the work turns out to be too fucking rush at the end of the week, its totally karma being sucha bitch getting back to me. OH DAMN FUCK.

Hey, still February

Im back to this whole blogging thing..

Not like i have left, im always here in the land of quietly fantastic..

And i shall never, stop narrating my life. NEVER.

Because seriously, one day i might get all famous and the fans would read my blog as my bio.

Ah ha. One day.

I missed blogging so so much..

I mean, yes i have been blogging, but have a look on my archive!

wtDAMN we used to write likeat least one post every 2 days

WE  WERE  TALKATIVE  WHEN  IT  COMES  TO  OUR  LIVES

Well look at you now, all down and barely breathing

Daily, we close and open our eyes instead of sleeping

Because we ain’t sleeping no more

We just wanna keep up with the time of the world

Every 1 second wasted is 1 second where we could be sleeping or engaging clients

This, was, how, we, used, to, define, pathetic

Ahhhh well.......

You know, it really bothers me as of whether I am waiting for a way out, or looking for a way out?

I felt like I’m in the middle of a very terrible movie, in a very fancy cinema. Its like I want to leave, so want to, but part of my conscious is glued on the chair by unknown force.. All I need to do is get up and leave the room, but all I did was sit right there. The reason being I don’t know where to if I left the theatre.

So i sat through the movie, non-stop cursing my pathetic existence.

**************************

Wow, to think, ‘pathetic’ has now back to my gloassary..

I talk about it all the time, and I act like it all the time

Its freaking 6pm right now

All I can think of is to go home and die in the warm hugs of my blankets..

I am currently on job with one of my peers

One of whom I would tell everything HONESTLY to

And today our bosses came by to meet with the client

They practically sat right opposite me as I am typing this

When they left the room for discussions, she popped me a question,

‘these people really enjoy audit so much ar?’

-Probably, because their darkest day is gone d ma

‘Every time ar, I see them so into the laptop like that, I don’t get it’

***********************************

Truth is, every night, when I’m jammin’ my mcdonalds while rushing through the work

Feeling like living the worst life ever

I would look towards the manager room, and imagine

You know how some people would say, its better to have the bad first before the good

Then I think to myself, look at my dear managers, what if there is no good?

If I were to tolerate this hell for 5 years, and end up like them, or even further,

Tolerate for 10 years and end up like my boss...

I would feel very sorry for myself.

I do think my managers really like what they are doing

Thats what kept them going

But again, that’s not what

長長的路慢慢走

It has been something kind of funny for the weekend right back

I have mentioned about this friend of mine a few times now, but she hardly gets any grand opening.

Aaaannndddd, she is not gonna get it this time.

Considering our friendship totally developed out of the blue, and I have zero interest in faking a ‘she-is-destined-to-be-my-friend’ story

But seriously, it was weird. Even my food friends would wonder, ‘How come you both kept in contact out of everybody else’

Told’ya, weird.

Probably we shared some interests that don’t really work in other group of friends?

Interests like reading, blogging.... those wordy-nerdy stuffs?

To me, one who read should be the last person to be declared nerd.

But oh well, who am I to say anything?

So yeap,this friend, she has this interest too.

She is the one whom I would share most of my after-read thoughts to

Like, those stuffs that I’m really into, those ancient chinese, those china-critics and things like that

Not like she is interested too, but well, we sort of are the kind of people that,

We tend to be interested in whatever we don’t know...

If I’m not mistaken, she has been real deep in the self-enrichment kind of books.

Not my first choice, but I do enjoy listening the summarized version of hers...

And also, sometimes we would suggest some books we thought the other might be interested in

Okay, that’s all

I shall stop here.

Suddenly, I decided to pronounce her book friend.

And i thought that is quite an idea.

So this book friend of mine, she randomly texted me on a morning, last Friday.

I was caught in my usual morning let-me-sleep-another-five-minutes-and-rush-my-ass-off-later routine

She told me she is taking a day off her work and want to spend some good time thinking about herself.

I replied that this is a good idea. (while personally cursing the coward leekahinn wtf why we dont have)

Apparently, I thought I would have to work on that Saturday too.

So then I was at work, manager reviewed my work on the spot,

Everything was so normal.

And then I receive a text from my book friend;

‘I’m in melaka now, see you later?’

I glanced through the screen real quick, brain-lagged for a moment or two

‘damn leekahinn, lets go’

‘eh don’t gila la, we need to work tomorrow la’

‘okay, if we’re not working, we go!’

‘but i need to draft account somemore’

‘NO BUT’

‘spending a sleep weekend in pontian sounds nice too’

‘THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU DID ALL THESE PASSED MONTHS’

‘but we have to drive all the way....’

‘DUDE PROVE TO ME THAT YOU ARE STILL CAPABLE TO GO UNPLANNED’

....and that is a killer thing to say to me....

So my reply,

‘okay, if I not working tomorrow, i will go’

*******************************************

Call me childish, or whatever, I do think its important for me to prove to myself I am still the one who would grab my phone and purse, hop on the car, and leave for anywhere...

So important.

************************************

So book friend.

I finally reached the motel she lived around 12 am

The name is ‘Motel Sayang-sayang’

I purposely wrote it down, because i want the future leekahinn to remember,

Being a manly man like her, once lived in a motel named ‘sayang-sayang’..

Yes pal, we lived in a hotel with such a name.

A hotel painted in pale yellow and white, and some stick-man couple wall stickers.

Well, on the bright side, its not the pinky kitty one.

But it should be quite a new hotel. Very clean on the inside. But the outlook..erm...normal.

She greeted me with 2 popiah, and a LOOK on my blanket.

Urm, ya, we brought our blanket too..

Dear future me reading this, we/I, love that blanket. So love.

*************************

We had our time chatting a little bit, trying to sort out what to do on Saturday

She sent me a picture on Friday afternoon, there is this cafe stuffed with books and looking all hipster

And i am very interested with the collection of books they’ve got

That is probably the only intinery we had in mind

*******************************

Waking up on Saturday morning was really awesome

I took a quick shower and stay by the window, just looking at people passing by

While digesting the fact that im in freaking melaka

Damn the last time i was here, it should be sometime during 12-year-old.

In short, I WAS STILL A YOUNG BOY

Then time flies, they got the legendary Jonker street and all sort of themed cafe

While i was driving off the highway into the city, the places around me resembles a lot of my memories about Ipoh...

When I am in the city, the narrow streets and old houses resemble the heritage sense of penang

In short, I think melaka is a Frappucino of Ipoh & Penang.

*****************************

We had a tourist walk around melaka on the day,  a quick rest and the stuffed-with-books cafe, and the legendary jonker walk pasar malam..

I had this mega spicy sze chuan noodle, and saw my manager

The manager whom I have to submit a file to on monday

But none of those spoilt the mood

She then brought me to a place right beside a river

We had good time drinking and talking

I thought of writing down whatever we have talked, but maybe not now,

Everything just scatter around my mind, refusing to settle down.

It was a really enjoyable time, probably the easiest 4 hours i have had

Sitting by the river, sipping cold beer, and talk anything out of nowhere...

I realize I do need this...

I do need this from time to time, where I am just leekahinn and nothing else

No deadlines, no anyone to report to, no nothing that can hold me back

At some point when i was talking, i thought i was gonna cry

Just too much feelings in me that is coming out

Then I looked up to the sky, the moon is right above me

I said to myself,

Don’t cry on the best nights for months. Don’t.

We will cry some other day.

We laughed a lot, cheers,

And this ladyboss from the shop said to us,

‘its good to see you old schoolmates coming together again! Hold on to moment like this, it wasn’t easy’

We are at the same stage of life right now, struggling for more

But who knows, some day in the future we gotta move on,

Could be both of us at the same time, or just one of us

But in this big big world, to run into someone like this,

To make such a friend,

I thank god for these.

Sincerely, thanks.

My job sucks, but my life is pretty awesome.

*********

Side effects of short-but-great runaways, it was too short, that you wanna go back for more...

It was too great, that you learn you could have been so much happier than you are at life...

I’m having this post-have-fun syndrome

And one of the symptoms for that is ‘desperation’...

I think I wanna sell stuffs at melaka pasar malam...

Desperate lehhh

Hey February

In consistent with my previous posts, this one here is for February.

I have been reading this book, namely ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ by John Green, a couple of weeks ago. I am not a big fan of english storybooks, mainly because I was kept too busy with my chinese storybooks. Sorry to say, I have not met my favourtie english author. NOT YET.

I always believe it is like a MEGA-bliss to find your favourite author. Someone whose thoughts could touch your heart even you are stranger to each other.

One of the quotes from JiuBaDao was that, ‘I wish that this world would be a little bit different because of me. And my entire world, is nothing but your heart.”

Back then, i took this as a love quote. Just a guy who wrote fancy to a girl he likes.

But its always his books that draw me back again and again. I literally visualize all of those characters, and had to revisit them from time to time to make sure they don’t forget me.. or vice versa?

The Book. Right, the book.

‘The Fault in Our Stars’ – John Green.

I started reading it, because I wanted a break from my chinese storybooks.

I have been crying awfully lot, and feeling terribly too much for all those stories.

Meantime, my cousin finished this book and is giving good comments.

She did warn me that its a love story, guy girls love, kissing and stuffs, knowing I’m the last one for a pinky story. I’m at chapter 14 now. This is nowhere near fast considering my speed of reading. I could easily finish any book in 24 hours, even 2 of them. SO this time, I’d say I got it done in a rather smooth pace. I don’t feel the urge to flip to the next page, probably because this isn’t a thriller story, or frankly, because I haven’t reach the climax.

I don’t feel too much for Hazel and Gus. A little bit but not too much. The name ‘Hazel’ in me, has been taken by a character in TVB drama – When Heaven Burns. In me, that is how a Hazel should look like. But this Hazel Grace works too, when I’m reading, I kinda picture her as Emma Robert.

And I guess that is because of Emma starred in the move ‘something kind of funny’?

That character was sick too.

So again, back to the book.

I believe many would grow interest in ‘An Imprial Affection’ as they read the book. So am I. I secretly expectmy cousin to do the searching for the book and so I can read it when I’m done with this one.

I’m at the part where Gus became a grenade too, and Hazel Grace learn that she cannot ‘unlove’ him.

(To think, Hazel Grace resembles the character a lot, but not Hazel. )

Actually, I just like this idea of cannot unlove... which many do not seem to understand.

I have been down and gloomy in life all these while. My cousin was flipping through my instax album the other day, and he started asking, ‘so when was the last time you got a pic before CNY?’

‘Before I got a job, its like I was still alive when I have a job, but then since then my life gone missing, so I only have the one before I work and then pff! CNY.’ Me

My parents or frankly, my whole family, have this idea that I’m stressing myself out. That all these negativity in me is because I couldn’t adapt to this working life. (WHY SHOULD I?!!)

At some point, I do think about it this way too.

Until I read the line, ‘I wouldn’t unlove Augustus Waters, and I didn’t want to!’

‘I couldn’t undream Quietly Fantastic, and I didn’t want to!’ – Thats me yelling.

There are so many of them trying to convince me that this is life, life is about compromising a little here and there.

Uhh, no its not.

Remember that story? That a little kid was in school, answering the question, ‘what do you want to be in future?’. He answered He wanted to be happy. The teacher said he doesn’t understand the question, he said the teacher doesn’t understand life.

You see, I can’t listen to the advice from people that is living the life I don’t want. In short, THEY ARE NOT INSPIRING!

I have seen the vision of my quietly fantastic life. Me, of everybody else, is chosen to see that life. Why is that? BECAUSE ITS GONNA MEAN SOMETHING though I haven’t figure it out yet.

And all this while, I’m looking for ‘next step’..where is next?what is next?

What if the answer is behind me? What  if?!

I never am the one who follow the rules and found the treasure.

I have always been the one who walked a thousand miles and end up as the happiest person lying beside a waterfall.

WATERFALL, I NEED A WATERFALL!

Dear Dad & Mum,

(As much as you don’t read anything here, but I’m still keeping this, just in case. )

I am never the one who goes by the rule. I believe throughout my times with you, you must have that figured already.

Well, then here is what I have to say,

I am vey sorry, that I never go according to your plan, or even my plans. Truth be told, I don’t even have a plan. I have had many chance to blend into the norms, but I never fail to stay out/away. If you put me with the others, you will find me outstanding or, awkward-standing.

I didn’t let myself live up to social norms, so your expectations developed based on social norms will not work on me.

Ask a fish to fly and it will spend it’s life thinking how stupid it is.

I know you have had a hard time in the family because I have always been the surprise failure. I always bring surprises, and shocks too.

Mum, Dad, when I say I don’t like my job, I mean I don’t like my job. Its fine if you want to read that as ‘I-m-too-young-for-serious-job’, I am okay with it. I never let you any chance to get to know me, all along, we have been playing this game called ‘I thought know’.

And it once annoyed me a lot when you say I am like any other newbies who can’t handle working. I have seen my ability, I have seen how far I can go for a job, but if this job ain’t THE ONE, I will not have any interest in pushing myself for it.

I will not tolerate with the idea of ‘Just deal with it’ because it is my life.

I am so very sorry, but this is my life. Its now or never.

Life is a gamble, and I call my own shots.

I might lose or I might win, but the point of gambling is to believe in something 200% that you actually want to bear the cost when expectations go wrong.

That feeling of gamble, priceless.

This is my life, when I reach the end of it, I wouldn’t want to be in such a way where I get down from a bus and walk towards the routine. Instead, I will be the one who jump out of nowhere, probably a roller coaster, looking all messy as if I have been trying to unfix a nuclear bomb.

My life, is a bumpy ride. Not the Ferris wheel, not the carousel, its the fucking age/height/guts-restricted ROLLER COASTER.

I love you, and I tried to live for you.

It just doesn’t work that way.

Sorry.

Yours Kahinnly,

KahInn Lee

*********************************************

So this isn’t the way I exepcted this post to end, but, bye!

Oh well not so quick, few days back my cousin took the book for wrapping. She substituted my usual bookmark with a greeting card she got from her other cousin.

I have been keeping the booking in my working-backpack since forever. I have a bad habit of carrying books around, I love to grasp a second or two for a little time with my books. I just love reading, it let me escape the world.

So this new greeting card bookmark is doing ordinary. Until there is a sudden glimpse of it that reminded me of my english teacher. To real-drill-down-factual, he is a tuition teacher of mine. But he is the one who has brought so much influence in me, not only englishm but in being a person.

He used to encourage reading, like all teachers. Except he did not MAKE us read. Its like he would say, ‘Reading is fun’, what then is up to me to decide. He used to lend us a lot of buddhism books and told us a lot about beliefs. Not religion, BELIEFS.

I always have the idea that his favourite author is John Grisham. He must have said that to me during my 6 years there in that little room. He told us about his garden, his kids, his grandkids, his thoughts, or so. I guess, he is the first person in my life that I approve/let myself to be influenced by.

I still remember that bookshelf, on the right as we enter the room. There are a space where he kept all our homeworks, and another space where he kept all his books. His books are mostly weary, yellowish-old, if you ever happen to see a nice and clean one, it must be new. Like ‘i-bought-it-this-morning new.

On top of our homework, that is this one book he is currently reading. He normally use pieces of note-papers as his book mark. Sometimes, its a piece brutally ripped off from his exercise books. He’d write beautiful sentences from the book on that paper. He told us its a better way to improve your languages...

Oh well, I tried. But you know, its really hard to stop in the middle of a stories.

But now that I saw my own book, where the bookmarks is a greeting card which outgrew the book, it just suddenly brought me back to him.

Those days where I have pile of his homeworks, and that little room that makes me sooooo sleepy at times. Probably because of the greens right outside the window, probably because he is just a peaceful person.....

Probably, it was just the sleepy in me kicking in......

Who knows.

Thank you, Mr. Puvan.

(though I never learnt to spell your name right. I wish you well sir.)