打坐

這一兩天又在播著盧廣仲
考最後一科taxation的星期五
我起了個大早 想說已經毀了一次不能再重蹈覆轍
然後複習一遍自己抓的重點 乖乖的在床上打坐
這幾乎已經是一種無法切割的習慣
只要我起得早我就會在正式開始一天以前打坐一下

其實我不是很了解打坐是什麼
以前跟著媽媽去學瑜伽的時候 大意抓到的是所謂的讓自己靜下來
讓心平靜 算是釐清情緒的一種吧

通常睡不著的夜晚我都會開燈看一點小說
隨便抓一本所以我的床旁邊都是一堆小說
媽媽常常說我如果唸書有讀小說一般勤勞就好了
呵呵 就像媽媽說如果哥哥讀書有他踢球的衝勁就好了

所以說，興趣嘛！

可當我睡不著 大多數是因為我的頭腦處於過於活躍的狀態
活躍 因為有太多思路 太多情緒 太多想法 太多事情 太多的....生活
這個時候我會起來打坐 我知道這讓我聽起來像個老人家一樣
甚至像個慈濟的師姑 把頭髮盤起來的那種

但這真的還蠻有效的
以前我不明白打坐 屬於一打坐必睡覺組
可不記得什麼時候開始 我常常覺得腦子裡有太多東西
常常有一股衝動想要把自己的大腦挖出來 重新整理

是那個時候開始打坐的吧

我其實並不確定我是不是在“正確的”打坐
我只是記得瑜伽課堂裡導師一直強調的“靜下來”

有的時候我會覺得我的情緒像海上微微的波浪 不猛不烈 不徐不疾
有的時候我會覺得我的情緒像懸崖上的碎石頭 一搖一晃 萬丈深淵
有的時候我會覺得我的情緒像端著滿到快溢出來的滾開水 畢恭畢敬 唯唯諾諾

就是這種時候特覺得打坐是一個很好的方法

雖然心裡很深很深的一處我還是會幻想
幻想我是江湖上名不經傳的絕代高手 正在修練氣功
正在屏息等待著那個一戰成名的契機

呵呵 我是電視兒童 啦啦啦

恬不知恥的，我要把話題拉回到--打坐

我知道聊打坐會讓我顯得很老派
但有的時候我真的覺得我是很老派的人
生活過得跟退休人士一樣 沒啥大志 每天雲淡風輕行雲流水
而我居然還打坐

但是我親愛的朋友們 去打坐吧
打坐之於我就像一個跟自己溝通的機會
你可以跟自己聊聊那些腦子裡彼此抵觸的意見
給腦袋定期清理雜物的習慣

我對打坐的要求不高 只要盤起雙腿 雙手攤開在膝蓋上面
我記得以前瑜伽課的時候導師特別強調我們躺著的方式
她說手掌一定要向上 那才是真正的休息

我是不懂啦 可是我覺得 人不過就是大腦 大腦是可以被誤導的
所以我們看見美食會自動肚子餓 其實沒有啊 是你逼大腦給你吃東西的理由
所以才會有那麼多的學家去研究人類的思維和動作之間的關係

所以我覺得 當我靜靜的坐著 再把手向上攤開
那個動作其實是想說服我的大腦去接收
所以那個時候的大腦開著寬敞的大門 接受我的所有天馬行空
然後我會覺得我正在把那些負面的情緒蒸發進入空氣之中

然後我的腦袋會重點整理我的思路
然後腦子安靜 人也就睡得著了

我其實忘了為什麼我會心血來潮的跟大家分享我的老人習慣

所以算了 這個假期 我要開始觀察我曾經擁有的一切一切
而且我要好好的 讀我的金庸

24.08.2011 -- An evilly-cursed day.

i figured having this whole today recorded would be good
should be one of the non-ordinary day of mine
special.

where should i start....hmm.

okay so today, i ended my exam in 12.15pm
then i said bye to aiphing and walked straight back to hostel
with a mind flooded with negative emotions

i tried holding things up but as soon as i get into my room and turned around
i started crying

out of no where my tears come again and again
i cannot think and i feel like im drowning into something bad, real bad
i took off my jackets simply throwing it somewhere then i curl myself up on the bed
i hid my face into the blanket so i don't have to see anything
then i cry. hardly, terribly, horribly, devastatingly, dreadfully, awfully, etc.
It feels more like there's another me questioning the weaker me "WHY"
i dont know, i dont know, i keep saying again and again
but no one cares, that question remains repetitive like, "why?" "WHY?!" "WHYYY!!!"

i continued crying, all curled up on my bed in my "I've got the power" t-shirt.
i smell the medicine i applied for my allergy all over my blanket
but there's too much in my mind scattering, floating, flying
i couldn't handle it all and i let them tear me apart.

well. why am i crying?

it all started yesterday night, i guess?
so as usual since i have a morning paper today, i have my sleeping time at 12am
which i managed to have it earlier as the revision process went on better than i expected
so around 1130pm, im already on bed.......like all other usual nights
then, things went wrong at around 12.30 am.
i wake up to a massive itchiness all over my body especially my head
i couldn't stop scratching it in my dream and my neck , my back, my....whole body
so i woke up and from the mirror im terrified

from my chin to my shoulder to chest, its all covered with reddish spot
which is what my normal allergy looks like, i was saying, URGH, NOT TODAY!!!!!
but then i still take put the medicine my mum handed and spread it all over my body
It has a pungent smell and feel extreme irritate to the body if you asked me

but that's not the worst yet, to my surprise shock, i have TWO swollen eyes
now thats WTF.
i felt so wrong, like you know,
im having a massive paper which kept me nervous ever since the beginning of the semester
and now you give me this?! 2 swollen eyes?! watthedamnfuckisthis?!

i hesitated whether to apply that pungent and irritating medicine on my eyes
then out of desperation i applied a very thin layer on it
yes i feel like my eyes are burning and so i quickly wiped it off

then i crawl up my bed, praying to god that every will be alright again when i wake up again
.............

apparently God was off-duty that time

......................................

I actually scheduled myself to wake up for final revision at 5am in the morning
which turns out i opened my eyes at 6.30am, right, im one and a half hour behind schedule
fuck you cellphone alarm

and also, i realize that my allergic thing on body is all gone,
but my swollen eyes....ERM, nothing, NOTHING AT ALL
and somehow it just worsen

i guess thats when my panic started

so i actually had to shorten up my final revision somemore with my pathetic wrong timing swollen eyes
then off i went to exam

i was terrified of what a terrible time planner my allergy was
so i actually brought hand sanitizer to the exam hall, just in case you know.

then the exam paper
i guess the panic i had since morning never left
so i actually went all screwed up in every questions i attempted
and somehow somewhere i just turn a one question down
that wasnt really a bid deal if it wasnt the only question i have confident in doing

my brain was stuck, i feel like im beside myself and im not controlling whatever im doing

so i crack my head for the other questions and as the time ticks my panic grow
growing growing growing
................................
..............................................
................................................................
.............................................................................
..................................................................................................
..................and thats how i screw up my papers................................................

and the story now connects to me crying.

=)

it hasnt end, but just i need a better mood to continue on.
see you next chapter, or episode?

whatever.

simply thanking.

thoughts words.

its evening and random birds are having cabinet meeting in the neighborhood
I was sitting on the bed by the window while ago
picturing how things could have been if i hadn't made any choice i've made

there's a lot of things out there that we may never understand
watching "Fringe" during exam times is definitely a bad idea
i get addicted and start questioning around life again

the birds are still there
i should really go back to my revisions now
but just like every exams, i dont feel like

this paper is hard and im scared
im totally mentally unfit for this exam right now
so i figured that i should write something
keep my mind clean from what is apparently bothering me and my concentration

the paper im dealing with tomorrow is strategic financial management
which my lecturer and everybody else often refer to as SFM
it just so occurred that i had to enquire my friends
regarding the full name of the subject towards the end of the semester
now you can tell how "off-duty" i am when i am in this subject

its about investments stuffs, like when to invest, what, how, why, etc
and mainly, we're just assessing the risk a business may face and try to cut it down
i learnt a new phrase from my last paper, "calculated risk"
it says that businessman should go after CALCULATED risk and not just normal risk

most of the time when im working on the calculations involve in SFM
im working on something in future on some assumptions that never as true in real life
most of the time we are required to comment after all those lengthy calculations with this:
"although the result shows such, but this method has its own weakness of it is based on certain assumptions that may not be able to achieve in reality"

so its all unreal.
im calculating something in future based on the past or some ridiculously perfect assumptions
and all i arrived at was a mere reference

thats my subject.
i dont like it.







then again im hungry. i'll grab a bite and swim back to my prospective-based questions again
i know im gonna rock this paper, i dont have to like it to rock it
i just have the ability to.

and tomorrow on my paper, it will be full of calculations and answers
which im satisfied of and my lecturer will be amazed how a kid who barely pays attentions strike it
well you got me, if i were to be serious, then nothing gets on the way.

i particularly unlike this lecturer, so i will do everything i can to make sure i dont have to see her again

Go go POWER RANGERS!

開始上癮似的聽著下雨聲 覺得似乎真的有一點神奇的作用

聽著滴滴答答 偶爾一兩聲雷響 出奇的讓人回歸平靜

現在正溫習着明天的考試 出人意表超級難的科目 呵呵

之前我提過的  說我考很差的那一科  唉  該來的還是會來

讀這些精密計算的科目讓我有的時候很懷疑  也許人生就是這樣

我們的人生也許就是這樣密密麻麻的方程式拼湊出來的

而答案，其實早在問題出現前已經存在了

問題常常就是我們畫出來的一條彎曲的路，目的地早已存在

這個想法是九把刀“等一個人咖啡”裡思螢送我的

其實如果這樣想  至少當我演算題目的時候可以正面一點

只需要不停地說 答案已經出現了 我只需要看到它

有的時候我們給自己的話 或鼓勵  其實是很膚淺的

但是太深奧的話 卻常常讓人難以參透 以至於無法產生共鳴

午夜夢醒

我不喜歡雨天  沒什麼特別原因 

就只是因為下雨天做什麼都特別不方便 然後很吵

可是今天在youtube播起kiss the rain (by, Yiruma) 的時後，看見有人發另一個鏈接說如果兩個影片一起播的話效果會很好。所以我就試試看，才發現其實是之前一陣子很喜歡的雨聲。我是從那個時候不憎恨雨天的吧？以前一下雨我就鬱悶，現在還是多多少少會，可是慢慢的還在學習發現事物的美好。嗯。下雨。

下雨天的時候我不喜歡打傘，因為即使打了把大雨傘我還是會渾身濕透活脫脫一個落湯雞的樣子。然後還要費心解釋說有我有打傘不過就是沒遮好。所以索性就不打傘，要嘛就淋個痛快，拖拖拉拉的像娘兒們似的。

現在一個人在宿舍，剛剛下了場毛毛雨。整個空間現下感覺很清爽，涼涼的。我一個人在宿舍聽鋼琴聲。這是何等清閒啊。嗯。在我畢業，開始長達幾十年的工作生涯以前，我想要像個標準的傻逼和小屁孩兒一樣混日子。當我可以不負責任，我嚷著沒有人信任我。當我終於要負責任的時候，我卻發現沒有人給我依靠。一肩扛起是很難受的吧我想。

 

那天朋友說我的掌紋是“非作功不可”的掌紋，因為是獨立性格。我鬱悶。

有人說如果可以完全照我的意思去做，那麼駕小一點的車，住小一點的房，多一點羨慕的對象，那也許是值得的。有的時候值不值得不過是一念之間，我們也不全都在幹值得的事情。就像我，半生半死讀了2年的自然組最後乖乖的到會計系報到。兩年的心酸啊！咻的一聲飛到九霄雲外到現在還回不來。這樣很值得嗎？沒有吧？這個世界上，有的人說忠於自己，有的人說面對現實，有的人說看你怎麼想。

其實，有時候我希望他們都閉嘴，然後聽我說。

可是有些人也希望我也閉嘴然後聽他們說。

真是一個奇妙的世界。

方向太多，態度太差，心情太繁，生活太寬

如果我對於生活猶如吸毒般的上癮，那我是否犯罪了？

這個世界總是懲罰“不中肯”或者說偏向任何一方的人。為什麼不讓我們選擇？為什麼要懲罰我們的意願，不可以太過喜歡，不可以太過討厭。我逐漸的就在這裡面淪陷，誰來救我，我來救誰？

Saturday

i still feel weird to spend weekends here in hostel
considering this is the 2nd weekend stay for the past 3 1/2 years of me in here
so, urm, yea.

I woke up to a touch of sunshine in my room
and for one second i lost idea of why im here
like a serious hangover, i used around 5 minutes to clarify things
where, when, what, why, how and so
and thats also by confirming the date from laptop and cellphones

yea,i dont really burden my brain too much to remember too much daily
most of the time i just go through thing without "brain-ing" on them

then i saw the event thing on facebook of the flea market in straits quay
i grab my books and then im already in the market, strolling.
When i read flea market, i was expecting something like food, stuffs, food, food, and food.
to my great disappointment, i got clothes, clothes, soft toys, clothes, shoes.

its just....a pasar malam with an english name thats all
just that pasar malam ought to have good food...like..a variety of them
and flea market? duh, more like online blogshop coming real
the clothes, the bags, damn they looked so damn familiar with twice as much the price

but i got 2 cooling eye mask though.......

so then i finished up to schedule for my revision there
where a strong yearn for a hair cut overwhelm me

so i went all the way downtown which in my memory, there are full of...everything
the prangin mall

i was there with friends before CNY this year
and since then, i never stepped in.
i always think that place is scary, and creepy.
and i seem to get lost in it everytime
i dont dare to park in their carpark and i dont dare to use their toilet

I had my car in 1st avenue where i can actually enjoy a panaromic view of penang in the carpark
then i had a nice wander in the mall which..nothing catches my attention
not even roti boy, AIKS!

then i set for prangin mall........GOSH!
the mall is still the same as the last time i recall
its dark, and scary and creepy.
im terrified when i walk in there.
its a mall but i feel like im in a ghetto or something
weird people popped up and Im scared, all the time.

I went all around the mall searching for every hair saloon, checking their price and so
Something in me feels so wrong and im suffocated in there
its like im dying

but sometimes i passed some shops where i once been,
the instant familiarity did keep the fear away for a while
but i just cant stay long

everytime i touches something on a shop i feel like the world paused and stares at me
so i drift from shops to shops getting out of breathe slowly
my hands get cold, my heart pumps quicker

its like im getting a heart-attack any soon

i wished i stayed longer for the book shop
or the tomyam mee i once had
or the various gift shops i used to love
or the spongebob soft toy
or the tako stall
or just a hair cut

but out of all these, i chicken-out, and,
i just left.

I walked as fast as I could to get back to 1st avenue mall
and i stood for awhile and take a good glance at the prangin mall from the entrance of 1st avenue mall

i didnt know what happened, but i missed this place somehow
i have always wanted to visit there
cause its a place i seldom have chance to be in
but just somehow, hmm mm

i think i better get somebody who knows the way in it next time

its unforgettable though.

**alright, i confess,
when im in the mall feeling all the goosebump thing,
i actually fell into the imagination of myself where im in the middle of "Fringe" the drama **
Agent Dunham! Walter! Help!

Fuck Humanity

Answers always exist before questions
but we couldnt stop asking why

like why i cant fly
like why i cant stay immature
like why, why did i have to been through those heartbreaking moments

one day, our kids will ask us the same question
where we will slowly answer,
"well, that's life, you cant take whatever you want, there's a price for everything"

i didnt choose this life, why did it choose me?

why?



people often beautify helpless as "fate" or "destiny"
they try to make you believe that this life, you're supposed to be sad and unhappy and you sinned

I studied that moral subject where it mentioned that for a certain religion
mankind are borne mankind because they've done something wrong
because they sinned and is supposed to be punished

shouldnt we be tell what wrong we've done to do our rectification
what good is done when you merely punish me without telling me what's wrong

we're nothing different from them right
the world wanted something from us thats why we exist
we are designed to fit the need of the world
they even created a system to make us eliminate among ourselves

maybe earth, universe, sun, moon whatever, they are all pure bull shits
just something they made up to us
a lil bubble they designed for us so we can live according to their needs

but the question is, who are they?

We've lost the courage to stand up and fight
cause from all those history, there's never a fight that works
its all fights between mankind

what we want is something beyond that
something that can change my life change whatever it is right now

something rooted in this world is wrong, we all know
but we couldnt care to bring it in light

cause we dont know why should we do that



im not sure. honestly.
i just lived accordingly, very accordingly
not too much, not too less. applying the moderate in literally everything
not too good, not too bad, not too fat, not too thin, not too tall, not too short

primarily, im just a moderate person living a moderate life
whats wrong with me living it that way

when i smile and laugh more than anybody else
when i draw spongebob and patrick in my exam papers
when i jiggy like a kid in tiny happy moments

I dont know why I'm bornt
but i refused to believe that i'm bornt because I sinned and owe some punishment
no way.

My this life here, aint no punishment of whatever that's passed.
I'm Team Lennon. You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one.
there's no heaven, no hell below us, above us only sky
nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too, all the people living life in peace

and I believe that.

I believe in rainbows, in santa claus, in magics, in miracles, in meteors, in mermaids, in disney

when i was a kid, i read this one conversation that i finally understand now, it says:
Girl: do you believe in love like Disney-love?
Boy: No. its stupid. Do you?
Girl: I do.
Boy: Why?! its silly! damn every girl have this pinky princess dream huh?
Girl: Cause believing in it makes me happier.

yea. this life, i've had enough of not being able to choose this, not being able to choose that.
I'm so choosing what I wanna believe.
it could be stupid and silly and funny.
people may make fun of me, but if that makes me a better person, why not?



the world is beautiful. Fuck Humanity

















......

positive

Craig?

maybe not. he says he can handle them now.

and yes, this is another movie i just watched.

"It's kind of a Funny Story"

(http://movie.douban.com/subject/3269018/)

yea life is pretty messed up

i agree with that

Mess up is a good word to describe most of my days

like a messed up table that you wish you just walk away

and return with it all taken care of

but thats table. we can get a maid for that.

but this life of our own

we have only our bare hands to rely on

as usual,

i have papers tomorrow and im still not feeling for it

like, all, the, time

something off the center, i do like the big table im having all by myself now

i like how i can spread my notes all over it and still find spaces to fit my bowls and cups

its just, im allergic to small things.

i feel comfortable with big things, explaining why i have friends with significantly bigger eyes

not to cover my defects, but just,

i think i see more truthfulness that way.

nawh. second part was all crap.its only true until allergic to small things.

oh and one more thing, i feel like a water tank

i dont drink water....i stuffed them in.

err. just random.

urm. yea, back to the movie

at first i thought it was supposed to be deep

cause i see stress, suicide, and complicatedly joint scenes

but the movie turned out quite right and surprising

it feels like a lighter version of "One flew over the cuckoo's nest"

(http://movie.douban.com/subject/1292224/)

not to say that i feel related to the suicidal part

but i believe so

sometimes people get too messed up in emotions

that we lose the ability to bend things over

i understand that feeling

i think.

ever since i started staying in hostel all by myself

i've been given a lot of time on my own to do my thinking

cause no one's here to listen about my days

and all i have is myself

so i learnt to go through hard times

maybe some crying, maybe some crazy eating

and mostly some crazy spending

and deep down, i know i will be just as fine

like when you get hurt on the outside, you bandaged it

signifying others that you're hurt and stay the hell away from your forming scar

and sometimes the bandaged thing make you do extra work on easy daily chores

like how your messed up emotion get you into lil trouble everyday

but if you give on enough time and belief and medication

your injury will heal, and you can skip and walk like nothing ever happened

leaving the pain you had at the back of your memory

i guess i dont know what im saying.

i should believe like Aladdin

a whole new world it says

then a whole new world it is

i have something i wanna work on

wanting so badly that i will trade my future for a chance for it

and i swear im gonna do it right

cause when my passions are ignited

rainbows, stars, sunshines, and all the wonderful things

they wont stop banging on my door

=)

Before I disappear

finally i watched movie from chingu lin she passed me months ago

i watched "remember me"

damn the ending sweep me all over

i was shocked to see RobertPattinson in it though

cause, i used to picture him the vampire from twilight

I spent 95% of the movie's time wondering how did they come up with the movies name

i dont relate michael to the centre of the story and all

but in the end, i understand

i was stunned when i saw the date on the board

and i slowly understand the pain in those victims

its just. when things seem to finally turn out right, someone somewhere somehow,

will smash your rainbows into thunderstorms.

Ghandi said that whatever you do in your life will be insignificant
but it's very important that you do it because nobody else will.

yea. its very important cause, if you didnt do it, it might never happened

remembering someone may seem insignificant

cause memory fade from time to time

and no matter how hard you remember, you wont have the exact same again

but its very important that you do remember

cause if you dont, the pass will passed and will be too far for you to regret

like how Tyler's dad remember his children

its just a tiny thing for the screen saver, but he still does

that's, really, important.

though in the end the computer smashed into pieces for some stupid reason

but at least, he made the effort to not forget

Im scared what if one day this happens to me

what if i have goodbyes that are too late to reach out?

what if i have loves that are too late to tell?

never know where im gonna be even later

tomorrow isnt an easy thing to reach sometimes

we never know when is our final sunrise

which one day it will eventually comes

and then i remembered a taiwan movie named  沉睡的青春

(http://movie.douban.com/subject/2326215/)

both about the loss we suffer

i know for sure one day i will lose someone

someone i love and heart and swear to god i will treasure

and by that time, i hoped im still writing my journals here

helping to remember from time to time

i wished that when im at my final sunrise, 

i can have a chance to die real slowly reading all these i've written

to realize how i lived through

to hate again what i used to hate

to love again what i used to love

to laugh again what i used to laugh

to cry again what i used to cry

to remember again what i used to have been through

cause as soon as i die, all i have will be quietly.

when there's no life, there isnt fantastic.

life is the sparks to the fireworks in you

and wouldnt it be cool if i get to burn all those fireworks in me before i die

I wished im planet earth, so i could die slowly

being killed by the children living in me

giving them all the love i can possibly give

and when i die, i shall have all my resources exploit 

and i cant give my loves anything anymore

its just, i dont wanna end my life not having been useful to somebody else

its sad to know my existence created nothing but wastage

though the cruel rules in life looks more like a competition of who care less wins

no its not.

we all cares, and we shouldnt be ashamed of being hurt

love and trust whatever you want

cause no matter how insignificant it is, if you dont do it

no-one else will.

telling somebody you love them

showing something your love

it may seem peace and quiet

but you can never see the fireworks going on in that some else's heart

i do care a lot.

and i do take plenty of things personally

cause as i've said, i wanna collect as much emotions as i can 

before i die, i wished i felt the most emotions one can

and had learnt to smile with tears rolling in my eyes

and had learnt to say goodbye smiling with tears rolling in my eyes

and had learnt to hold that painful heart and say goodbye smiling with tears rolling in my eyes.

"As I walk this land of broken dreams, 

I have visions of many things"

--What becomes of a broken-hearted, Westlife

一百年太久我們只爭朝夕！

釋迦摩尼的表情總是慈悲

但千山萬水五湖四海始終逃不過一場空

這世界 真的生不帶來死不帶去哦

今天考試的時候其實下筆寫答案的時候還是不免俗的猶豫了

猶豫不決究竟要寫什麼

結果靈光一現就決定了 反正這一切都是一場空

那我就選一個自己中意的來寫好了

所以我總是在走這種邊緣路

看似安全實則還有幾分危險性

同學都說我很能掰 那些需要東扯西扯的科目我總是很拿手

其實不然 我覺得我只是比較會發表意見而已

雖然日常生活中我常常沉默

（沉默不是鴉雀無聲，沉默是把心聲留給自己）

也或者，我只是比較懂得包裝我的意見

那天媽媽突然問我某某長輩要問起家裡的一些事情該怎麼回答

我居然可以侃侃的說出好幾種中規中矩的說法 雖然聽起來很好聽 但都是廢話

人啊 得要好好的學習怎麼講話

說話是藝術 這生活的一切都是藝術

不然怎麼說生命就在呼吸之間呢

我發覺這世界真的懂得說話的人好少  少得可憐

也許我們都鄙視官腔 但官腔是一門必修課

當人家問你一些你不想回答的問題

這個時候官腔就噹噹噹噹登場啦

你只需要很含糊的帶過然後象徵性的微笑 緩緩離開 不帶走一片雲彩

這很難嗎？ 

就是因為有些人專門揭人傷疤 所以我們才要懂得保護自己

誰身上沒有幾道疤痕啊 ？！！

五月天“後青春期的詩”的CD封面寫說

“如果我總有一天會消失，那何不毫不猶豫的寫這最後一首詩？”

是啊 既然一早就知道了沒有所謂的永遠

就更應該自覺性的活在當下啊

一百年太久我們只爭朝夕！

像深呼吸 深深地吸一口氣 憋得臉紅氣喘 還是得緩緩吐出來

這世界幾乎沒有什麼是可以長久的

“不知道什麼時候開始，在每一個東西上面都有一個日期

肉醬也會過期，連保鮮膜也會過期。

我開始懷疑，這個世界上還有些什麼是不會過期的？”

--重慶森林

都留不住啊

豪情美夢一場空 匆匆來匆匆去也

這一種無助感 很像一句話

“抽刀斷水 水更流 舉杯澆愁 愁更愁”

那種像煙霧一樣 抓不住 拍不走 散不掉 的淡淡無助

就這麼滿佈  而我們呆呆的接受

像眼睜睜看著911大樓坍塌的那些人們

什麼都做不了 就一顆心揪著 鬱悶

這個時候我又想到一首歌，東方不敗的主題曲:

風再冷 不想逃 花再美也不想要 任我飄搖

天越高 心越小 不問因果有多少 獨自醉倒

今天哭 明天笑 不求有人能明了 一身驕傲

-東方不敗

好一句今天哭 明天笑

情緒，總是這麼起伏著

這樣的夜晚多起來舔一舔早已結疤的傷口

模糊的連當初受傷的原因都忘了

我就這麼撫摸著那一道淺淺的疤痕 想一些些事情 依稀

我要撒野撒野痛痛快快活在這個瘋狂世界！

ended one paper today.....in extreme hunger

then i went tesco for supplements for the rest of the week

bought some bread spread, sauce, canned food, and....stuffs

and im in the mood of westlife right now

isnt it great that when you hear songs you've had years ago 

and it just instantly reminds you of all those you've been through to get here

the other day i was watching "Journey to the west(II)" on TV

got so damn related but because it had aired months ago that i didnt get to watch the beginning part

i always love the part where the monkey challenge the whole.....god and goddess thing

and though i remember i used to hate that piggie when i was a kid

then i realize i actually love the combination of that drama

i remember those times they used to air that at night 10pm

where my home tuition ends right at 10pm

english tuition, where my brother and i attend together but taught separately (?)

and my brother will run out to the living room and channel the tv right 5 minutes before the tuition end

symbolizing my other family members that NO ONE TOUCHES THE TV FROM NOW ON

and also indirectly telling my teacher, ITS TIME TO GO

haha. nawh. just my interpretation

my parents always have higher hope and better and expectations on my brother

cause he used to be the better one, like...all up playing but getting good grades

Im like...average...for all. just a normal kid next door all the time. still the same *teehee

but then i realized its good to stick to average

when people dont expect too much from you, you get to sneak into your own bubble more often

like hide in your imagination and all without having to entertain to what you're not good at

im an average joe, and im cool with it. even, i enjoy it. =D

back to journey to the west.

so i was scrolling through tv programme and stumbled upon journey to the west again on another channel

then i realized ITS THE FIRST EPISODEE!!!

i almost went off slapping my chest like a chimpanzee!!!!!!

i barely remember anything from the first episode honestly

but some of them i sure do, something like i dont even know what i remember until i find the whole thg familiar

for example this:

damn i so making this my new alarm tone!

i miss this drama hell so much

and so i went to college this afternoon, meeting the friends in library

where one of them said she just have to spare 2 hours per day for the journey to the west

i was like.....IM SO SLAPPING MY CHEST, LIKE A CHIMPANZEE IN GREAT EXCITEMENT

well of course it was just saying, silence is gold in a library

we all grow in tis time zone. and we will have only one childhood!

thats why we have friends to shout in excitement for the "reminisce" passion

we can easily be that happy kid we used to

everytime we get touch with some old stuffs which tell us the once upon a time story

i think that allergy thing is on my eyes now. wtf.

平常心 平常心
明天要考試了 就是會興奮啊
以前考試前夕的心情是緊張害怕顫抖
現在考試前夕的心情是興奮迫不及待 外加 肚子餓

子曰：practice make perfect

這句話果然沒錯，考試考多了緊張也消失了

呵 平常心 平常心

我已經在想明天的早餐午餐晚餐了
我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓
我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓
我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓
我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓
我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓
我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓
我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓
我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓我餓

真的，餓。

今天下了一堆黃梅調的曲子慢慢聽著
某一天你在我車上要聽見了就冷靜點
我的車的專長是播格格不入的歌來嚇死乘客

我覺得黃梅調變得很酷
現在很專心的聽貴妃醉酒
都聽中文的，粵語的沒有字幕我聽得很吃力
霸王別姬還是我聽得最了解的 謝謝張國榮
還有就是扮皇帝 那是因為小時候阿嬤總是在聽

踏正十點半，我要去看愛情公寓
好好的笑一場然後去睡覺

噢美嘉 噢一菲 噢曾小賢 噢子喬君 噢展播 噢宛瑜 噢～大家

離開這城市 想找個解放

路像永遠那麼長 我靜靜的擺渡車子

向著陽光猛烈的地方去

可是 後面的影子那麼長 那麼長

留下的空虛那麼巨 那麼大

心頭的忐忑那麼窮凶惡極 那麼張牙舞爪

而我靜靜的 冒冷汗

學習    堅定自己

當我踏上車，我就開始了

現在，我只需要堅定不移

×花果山 水簾洞 美猴王 齊天大聖 孫悟空×

都雲作者痴，誰解其中味

不能活在明天的煩惱裡  嗯
明天是和大考大魔王奮戰的第一天
為了我的祖國 為了我的人民 我已經準備好
拋頭顱 灑熱血 和平奮鬥救中國！

唉

世人都曉讀書好  只有考試過不了
終朝只恨考不完  及到考完太遲了

手頭上有一個夢想 一個備受期待的夢想
還童年的自己一份熱血

想當初。

teehee

Mum will be home tomorrow.

and i have a long list of stuffs to do before mum gets home

like cleaning up the living room, like mopping the floor,

like wrapping my text books, like tidying my room

like washing her car, like washing dad's car......

feels like a maid though

DUH. whatever

i dont really have "things" to write for this post

but just this new blog skin is so tempting

just in case you don't already know, its me in the pictures, ALL OF THEM

its me holding the umbrella looking both ways

sometimes i can be really IMPRESSED on how my photos turn out

*blush*

and these days, news are all flooded with the riots happening in the UK

London, Manchester, Birmingham, etc

is this the end of the world already

man can news like this stop coming up  --- Japan,Thailand, Norway, UK.......

wow. who's next is left for wonder huh

and these few days im at home, letting my mind fly all the way down that creative borderless imaginary world

sometimes im at somewhere 10 years from now

sometimes im at somewhere 5 years back

sometimes im nowhere

sometimes im just somewhere

and most of the time im just hanging around

like in a swimming pool, you decided to just lie on the water and float

close your eyes into a lil adventure of yourself

though there's a risk that you might bump into some serious swimmers

though there's a risk that when people look into the pool, you look enormously fat

though there's a risk that you fell asleep and woke up to a crash on head to the pool's edge

and i actually got nothing so far

i dont get INSPIRED like "OH!so thats life"

like in movies where inspiration strikes along with romance?
HELL NO

most of the time im just muttering weird songs

and pretend like im so good in rapping

guess i'll wake up for a little while and start working on my taxation

when exam is around the corner, LIFE GET SUCKS

Im still the stupid kid that get so emo during and before exams

like my life is completely RUINED and nothing looks right

but at the end of exams, or the moment i finish that last word for my last paper

i feel these:

yeah right, like getting all jiggy and kiddy

im simple.so simple that when im happy i singdancemovejiggle

and when im UNhappy, i burn my face

and when im emo.....i burn my face too.

say HI to RPGT

RealPropertyGainTax

right. this is my face during EVERY taxation class:

so everytime im preparing for taxation tests or exams or whatever need-knowledge-and-brain stuffs

i look like this (as im offering prayers .....and regrets......to my lecturer):

and i will look into my taxation STACK of notes like this:

whispers:"i think i just saw those words dancing and switching places"

then AUTOMATICALLY

i SWEAR its automatic body instinct reactions

i will hear "grumbling" noise...that incredibly familiar grumbling noise

and my brain will conclude as below

SWEAR TO GOD:

its not of purpose or intention

but i just get hungry everytime i try to get my head into the SEA OF EXAM KNOWLEDGE

i just, happen to be hungary during studies..and concentration needed moment
my brain cells need.........food to stay alive

alright. so i get up and got my food, and when im back

there is always a notification popped up

and its mostly my friends showing up like this:

OI!!!I GOT GOSSIP!!!!

*dang* BUT I WAS JUST TRYING TO CONCENTRATE!!

just saying, 

 gossips are friends updates in disguise

so...

BRING IT!!!

then we will talk like 

\

 and laugh secretively like

better keep this between us...*hahhaha hahaahh (endless)*

and as we chat we might just shuffle our topics

and then we always end up in something INTERESTING

like planning for our yearly get-away trip

and we start to be like:

awhhhhh...if only i can be there NOW!

and these too:

party mood!!!!!

and as we chat,

friends or me or we all will scroll through some old photos and

find the old us...reminisce the old times

the times where we were all stupid and funny

and free

and if its a stupid pic of mine

i will be all: "owh~ those were the times you know."

but deep down, THIS:

WHAT, WERE, I, EVEN, THINKING?!

then topic leads to we start saying things like

we miss this, we miss that, i miss you, i miss her

then we realize our food are finishing

where we get up again for the second time for FOOD

and as we almost reminisce all of the stupid pictures and stories

one of us will just realize how late it is

then we will shout like we're aging

and our skin this our skin that

and panda is an official word

where we all can just register for being the national treasure of China

and how these lack-of-sleep defects haunt us poor girls

where 20s tend to look like mid 30s 

then we say goodbye

and as usual girls need more time for goodbye sessions

which is something like these:

"love you my dear girls"

"take care!!!"

"T.T HOPE TO SEE YOU REAL SOOOOONN...=(((("

byebye~~

so then in the end one of us got frustrated 

and stop the end-a-conversation cycle

gimme a break!

oh so as everyone back to rest
and i turn back to my notes again
what was the subject i started just now?
where did i start?
or.....did i even START?



finally i realize

people actually spent 14 weeks to learn that whatever subject
and the way i rush through it aint gonna help
 PLUS
its late midnight, so: