I'm expressing.

If you decided to let me go, then that's it.

I will go out and I will come back, then end of story.

Don't say "ok, go la!" now, and nag me like freak.

then scold me some other day!

I'm ASKING FOR YOUR PERMISSIONS!

If you say ok, I'd assume you're happy with your decision.

Don't turn back days later and try to give shit on me!

You said ok, I'll go. definitely I do. I'm not those bullshit drama type of person who thinks WAY BEYOND!

ok means ok la! what else you want?

Don't give me that "i-dun-wan-u-to-go-but-i-still-say-yes" face!!!

you think this is sacrifice? this is FUNNY!! damn it!

YES means YES!

if No, I might be pissed or sad a little and i'll be OK!

I hate the face of "sacrificing"!!!

everyone thought they are the main actor of every sad movies!

OH COME ON!

MOVIES AINT REAL!

MOVIES WILL ONLY BE REAL when you can squeeze yourself into the screen!

god damn!!!

Movies people ACT. We people LIVE.

its fucking different!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON'T judge me like how they did in dramas!

because miracles are easy with photoshop,

but photoshop are ONLY available for fake substance.

OR ELSE! why make up? why plastic surgery? why slimming company?

BECAUSE PHOTOSHOP, MIRACLES AND EVERY HOLY SHITS ONLY WORK ON TV!!

for god sake, please just believe in me once!

I've tried so hard to prove, but none of anything seen!

I feel bad too!

I'm not merely a big bunch of cell, my heart aches as well!

I feel disappointed, sad, FRUSTRATED too~!!!

TRY UNDERSTAND ME when you say I'm naive and not being understanding.

I'm only 20! what you expect?

For me to act like you? CONSIDERATE of EVERY CENT? sorry!

I JUST COULDN'T!

I'm at the peak of my free-to-be-mad life! I spend my money!

I will start collecting them when I eventually realize how horrible it is to be poor.

BUT AT THE MEAN TIME, would you kindly leave some space for MY JUDGEMENT and DECISION?

I can't learn from your mistakes! I have to go out and create mine for myself!

No people do bandage if none of them ever fell and hurt!

Dad and Mum, I'm only 20.

I do what a 20 do. what I wanna do.

I am still keeping up with my studies, please don't treat me as if I'm too young to even judge who is good enough to be my friends!

If I'm destined to be anything, might as well just LET IT BE!

I live on with my concept and principle for my life, I'm not asking to accept them all,

but, not to REJECT as well.

Can you please watch beside me and let me fall some of the time?

I have to bleed before I learn how to cure.

I know the thing of "love you that's why scold you".

and I know I make a lot of mistakes, and I've been stagger along this life.

But thats how everyone grow!

Dad and mum, I know you care about me.

But making me walking all the path you've set and desired might not be a way to bring me up!

I'm not ADORED since I was young.

of course, thanks to the both of you, I've not been exposed to anything so-called danger.

I'm just as lucky as a royal flush card holder.

But, I wanted things my way too.

My room get messy, my bank account is always around ZERO, my friends constantly ask me out, I'm late home sometimes, I got fuck up with exams and wanna escape too, I feel like having movies once in a while, I dream of having lots of branded, I fancy celebrities.....

dad and mum, EVEN IF brother is not in any of the above, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to!

I've wasted my life trying to be like him.

maybe I didn't try hard enough, But I'm happy with who i am right now.

I can't be in some ESTABLISHED university, and is not having DAZZLING results, and definitely not holding any make-you-proud scholarship,

but that doesn't make me a terrible person like those on tv.

I'm not a genius like brother, I'm an average joe.

and I'm fat. and I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry for you being insulted again and again in front of our families, relatives, your colleagues, your friends and all other I-dunno-person!

I'M SORRY! I'm tired with all your attempts to incite my desire to slim by INSULTING me.

ENOUGH! ok?!

I've live almost 20 years being told that I'm the fattest ugliest loser ever.

Now, i wan my world back.

No more fat=loser. I just wanna do it my way.

I might fail, and I MIGHT STRIKE too!

This is my own world that I have to fight for, and I'm pretty confident in doing this.

just let me try! I can't assure you anything but trying all my might.

Dad and mum, I look ridiculous to you.

Everything of me seems like a wrong to you.

I can never be brother, I can never be like him.NEVER EVER!

and I've had enough trying.

He is special for you, awesome, brilliant, mature and whatsoever..

everytime you praise him when I try to get your approval on my achievement, I feel sad.

Because no matter how hard I try, I'll never be like him

Because I chose to ruin my high school result and chose to live it mad.

Because I don't get along with every adult like he does and that annoys you.

Because I get only questions of why I'm fat but he got questions on how did he be such a well boy.

Because I'm always a black mark in everyone's eye

Because I'm at the other end of the balance as the god our family had been too perfect and I'm to offset.

I'm frustrated. I'm a loser. I always am.

I might bot be that quite when brother is not around.

When he is here, I'm just a loser.

No matter how hard to tried, this fact never changed.

I don't know what to do. I cried late at night, sometimes.

because I couldn't sleep, and crying make me tired.

I don't like my hostel or collage as much as I show you.

I was just trying to make you believe that I'm like what you expected.

Thats why I need to blog, I need to meet up with my friends.

They reminded me of whom I really am.

Its tired, but that's the only way that works on both of us.

I've dealt with the fact that I will never be capable in your sight.

I'm cool with it, and I might get frustrated or miserable once in a while.

but never mind, its not like i never had them before, I've learned to be OKAY with those negative emotions and feelings.

and I know, my brother is reading this post.

and I know, he is thinking his sister is being very childish again.

and I know, my parents thought I'm just a youngster at the stage of rebellious.

and I know, no one will give a damn on whatever I said here.

well, FINE THEN! I only wanna tell out before my mind got overloaded!

I've tried to live upon others shadow,

which turn out, me being exhausted,

and none feel good.

20 years have gone, its more than enough.

Its time, I move on, to live my life.

If this offence you, I apologize.

my biggest wish now could only be----to live Quietly Fantastic.

Goo-dy-bye

I feel bad. I know I shouldn't.

Sis Ai Ling gave birth to her baby. and I have to go and take care of XueRou and ah di..
BUT i feel like going out eating with Yanying and that back-from-canada-long-time-no-see CherSiong more..haizz..well, I have to go and help out.

They have been so nice to me. I can't took off the bridge like that. AND I know that, I know it all the while.
Thats why I emo.
I can't meet up my friend and fail to risk my life with her being the driver.
I can't watch Ice Kacang Puppy Love with my beloved friend anymore.
I can't see Karyn for one last time before she left this friday.

I hate it. I've got so many plans this week.

Things just go wrong whenever they feel like so, ignoring how disappointed, regret, or even mad one can get.
I hate scheduling things, because I hate even more the feeling of schedule being interrupted, even worst, CORRUPTED.

haizz, I'm a bad sister. because I emo when my sisters need my help.
well, please let me emo a bit. I can't go online for 2 weeks and even more.
I'm missing my friends already.

The only thing I can ask for now? maybe a good dream...

DAMNIT, i really dunno why i get so emo..zz!

my friendsza, I will be disappearing for quite some time.

and I will miss all of you, each and everyone of you.

and to my blog, sorry, starve yourself, but don't die.

Feeling really exhausted.

no mood for anything, everything.

Please just give me nothing else but many good night sleepssssss...!

Friendsza!!

Went Out, with my friendsza~

Life is easy this way, when all we care about are movies, meals, photos, SHIMMER-SHIMMER....
My friend told me bout some issue she had with her friends in collage previously.
Somehow, I feel tears rolling. probably because I remember how I used to feel when I've got wrong "FRIEND" during start of Diploma.
Its hard to solve, and when you're out there, you see no close friends of yours.
I miss how things went on during my last 2 years of secondary school. the form 4 and the form 5.

I'm lucky enough to meet some friends, who are still with me till now.
Some friends, that shared my memories.
Some friends, that know shit lots of my secret.
Some friends, that I don't give a damn on how ugly I am in their camera, cause I know they will edit it well enough.



I can still never forget the genting dayss. We had lots of fun.
We are really smiling, laughing, playing as per shown on the photos.
We were that happy, oh, maybe even more happier than what the photos can tell.
Now, I wished things stopped there, I wished we never have to check out and get back on track.

Life is pretty tiring sometimes.
Its not like we tired ourselves out, but, when finals, assignments, these kind of words come in list,
you just feel suckss and seriously wanna run away, to somewhere far, to somewhere with wind kissing our faces, and clouds hanging around like some decorations.

I really miss my days before I have to act like a grown-ups.
I hate thinking a lot. I hate thinking twice. I hate thinking before doing.

Lifeless? I don't know.
I kept a lot of dreams in me. I wanna be a photographer, a director, a tourist, a backpacker....
but from now, I can only see a pathetic accounting staff.
I wanted to be a director so badly. well, who doesn't eh?
We all have beautiful dreams, wonderful imaginations, but they don't really come true most of the times.

Dreams are awesome, because it has nothing to do with reality.
Reality make things clear, make things, aint that good looking......after all.....



Things wont go back to the way I want them. All I can do is live on.
I've been wasting my time yearning to grow in the past, I'm not going to waste my time again feeling sorry for my wasted times. I should move on. yea, I know.

But knowing, understanding, are not enough.
I don't know how to stop missing those beautiful moments.

We don't spend much time on precious moments,
we only spend on second to feel that precious moments,
and live through our lives remembering it, again, and again.

I know this post is, urm, EMO in one kind of way, can't help it.

so deal with it.

We need to EMO sometime, cause if you smile too much, you forget how to cry.

When you forget how to cry, you forget how to break into laugh from tears.

"Hey, Its been so long since I last saw you, how's life?"

"oh, well, RELAXING."

I thought of having this conversation,

of course I wish I'm the one answering.

It must be COOL to answer it tat way huh? RELAXING~~

I wish I can answer people like that one day.

and hopefully, that day will come soon.

"Love Life"

=)

My gallery,  =)

http://picasaweb.google.com/kahinnlee
http://picasaweb.google.com/kahinnlee
http://picasaweb.google.com/kahinnlee
http://picasaweb.google.com/kahinnlee
http://picasaweb.google.com/kahinnlee
http://picasaweb.google.com/kahinnlee


a place where I frame all moments and share.
have a look and leave a thought 


because I love my life, thats why I share.
because I love you, thats why I share, with you.


=)

那些我不想忘掉的地方

hasn't been online for quite a few days.
When I'm eventually back, I see 38 notifications on Facebook.
Sometimes, I do think Facebook is one awesome website.For even I hasn't been online for quite a while, I can still see what's going on, and maybe catch up a little.

There are friends writing on my wall, and friends spamming my msn, and friends wondering where have I been.
I feel good when I see fren explaining to other friend were have I been.
That makes me feel like I do exist, for if i ever disappeared, There will be people sensed it.
I'm not alone after all.

Life has been good to me. Thats why movies are created. I do love movies.
My dream gadget is a mobile cinema, I mean with AWESOME sounds and HD pictures.
But thn, HD pictures for me means BIG and CLEAR, till now, NO MOBILE GADGETS ever met my requirement for BIG image yet...sighhsss.

I've watched "Ice Kacang Puppy Love". TWICE.
my aim is to make it 5! FREAKIN! isn't it?
its a good movie, I love the song in it a lot.
I'm thinking blogging bout that movie in chinese, so wont talk much about it here,
BUT I MUST SAY, AND EMPHASIZE,
I love that movie very much, like what they say, MALAYSIA need a good start in Movie sector.
Since we've seen Ah Niu's effort, just watch it, wont cost much.
He put in a lot for this, and if you don't hate it, just watch it.
I dunno, But I like him a lot. and I keep on crying everytime that song come into my mind.

I always say I wanna leave this malaysia, and go somewhere else.
But somehow, I wonder will I be ok without all these things around.
This is my home, where I learn to walk, to talk, to live on.

主唱：阿牛 

词曲：陈绍安

编曲：饶善强

你是汹涌的海浪 我是疲惫的沙滩

暖暖的斜阳 吊在我们的肩膀

你用醉人的眼波 拴住恋爱的绳索

那么痴迷 那么绮丽

你轻轻柔柔的细述着槟城下的雨

淋湿你的长发几十年来抹也抹不去

啊 我会慢慢的想起 几十年都不会忘记

轻轻的为你唱首歌 几十年的歌 

靠在你的背后

紧紧握着你的右手 慢慢的教你写首诗

要你记着我的事

当你孤孤单单的时候我要继续为你唱出这首歌

my latest favourite song. I can't continue, I need to clear up my emotions.

This song, had me me stuck in between. 

between my life, and the nasty reality.

and me being, miserable, about future, about current, about past....

~~我会慢慢的想起 几十年都不会忘记

我只想说些我的老朋友们都明白的甜言蜜语

drawn by Jocelyn.(based on our that-vacation-mark)

I wonder if its ok this way.

For me being a  loser  in establishing conversations with strangers.

I don't want it this way, but I don't know what to do.

I still run away when I see people from my former school.

what should I do? Greet and say "its been so long?"

I really don't know why i literally chickened-out everytime I feel like doing so.

I always turn away when I accidentally bump into those.....UN-close friends.

My aunt once asked why the talkative personality in mine didn't get me much friends?

I'm only talkative to those who are REALLY CLOSE.

I can be a mute if I wanted to, because talking to strangers burden me.

I hate to fill silence, I hate to talk about topic I know nothing in, I hate to talk formally, I hate to think twice before words are spilled out...

well, gotta work on it, VERY SERIOUSLY.

my friend told me she aim to bring her CHEERFUL personality back by dunno when la.
urm, yea, I should aim to bring my GUTS TO GREET back...!

Oh! Don't hot please 我只是不想失去我自己

歌名:帶我去流浪

作曲:陳慶祥,  編曲:海螺工作室
監製:,  填詞:陳慶祥

請不要再問我　為什麼我在這裡等待
很慌張　很不安　怎麼呼吸都困難
我要尋找一個好地方　讓太陽晒晒胸膛
在東方　在西方　在一個不知名的地方
山在多　嗚喔..嘿..哦嘿
我在走在錯　人是在遼闊的大道上
我要去流浪　找一個地方　娛快的像天堂
我不要那麼忙　要自由去闖蕩
帶我去流浪　到任何地方　熱情要解放
把煩腦丟一旁　讓心去飛翔　嘿耶～嘿耶～嘿耶～

找一個地方　快樂像天堂　讓心去飛翔

http://www.leexinyi.com/2010/04/blog-post_15.html

from 李欣怡 de blog:

title : 那一碗回不去的初恋红豆冰

看完《初恋红豆冰》，和导演演员酒聚。

散场时，阿牛拍拍我的肩膀，和我说：“好好品尝那一口……”

句子接不下去，可是眼神已经说明了一切。

看完了电影，再和阿牛聊，我是激动的。

激动在于，我第一次在戏院听见了每次回家才会听见的壁虎声。

激动在于，在潺潺河边的鸟叫声，让我想起小时候那一条陪伴我们无数个放学下午的小河。

我失望地说：“结果不久后，河被填了。”

牛导说：“对对对，我小的时候也是那样。”

激动在于，我们这些游子，总觉得自己很亏欠父母。所以心洁打电话回家的那一幕，我们的眼泪都不听使唤。

听到我说这些，阿牛的眼眶红了。

是因为他说的激动而胃痛，还是他成为别人的父亲有感而发，还是他觉得电影成功打动观众？

不打紧。反正就是感动。

还有那些买万字的安蒂，baguli，那一台脚踏车，那种喝咖啡的方式，还有很多很多，层层叠叠的，在我的心里兴波逐浪。

电影结束，看见演员一字排开，笑的笑，哭的哭。

其实不关我的事的，不过还是有一种成就感。也许是那种“我也经历过”的感觉。

我和阿牛说：“如果我是你，我早崩溃了 。”

然后我们聊了很多，我们以前家乡的事，那一些“回不去“的事。

阿牛说：“我拿SPM 的那一天，我就知道我回不去了。你现在会很痛，因为你也知道自己回不去。我拍电影的时候，还是会有那种痛。”

第一次说话，是不用多修饰缀词去形容自己内心的翻覆。
我看着阿牛的眼睛，很深很深。

他说，回家看看乡间的小路，缤纷的花丛，蓝蓝的天空，就是不让自己有“回不去”的遗憾。

一个拥抱，传达了无限的感激。

谢谢阿牛，让我有这一次的感动，只属于马来西亚人的感动。

这一股感动会很久很久，很久很久。

就像我和静茹一起唱紫丁香，那些只属于我们的情怀，没什么可以取代。


by: 李欣怡

http://www.leexinyi.com/2010/04/blog-post_15.html

So I went, snapping around my house, with that "sweety" from Joc as my main cast.
Now I know, its really funny sometimes when you have all those funny pose for a photo.

I enjoyed a lot. I love how the pictures turn out.
Of course, I brought Jelly Lens along. Honestly, Jelly Lens did cover my regrets of not owning a LOMO.
I get a lot of surprises. Snap anytime anywhere, that's Lomography. and I'm doing it.
even without a lomo camera, I can still pursue my Lomo Dream. I feel good.

I face problems uploading all those photos onto Flickr. I'm looking another photo-gallery site...
Wonder where and how.
I'm liking Smugmug, but I'm not happy with the paying....
PAY FOR A PHOTO GALLERY, somemore for a non-professional like me? grrr!

ARGHHH!!!!!
why i keep fail to upload~!!! FLICKR!! i used to love you so muchh!!!!

好好地唱着

新鴛鴦蝴蝶夢(華視包青天片尾曲)

作詞：黃安　作曲：黃安　編曲：詹宏達

昨日像那東流水　離我遠去不可留　今日亂我心　多煩憂
抽刀斷水水更流　舉杯消愁愁更愁　明朝清風四飄流

由來只有新人笑　有誰聽到舊人哭　愛情兩個字　好辛苦是要問一個明白　還是要裝作糊塗　知多知少難知足

看似個鴛鴦蝴蝶　不應該的年代可是誰又能擺脫人世間的悲哀

花花世界　鴛鴦蝴蝶
在人間已是癲　何苦要上青天　不如溫柔同眠

***************************************

突然听到这首歌，突然想起光阴的故事。

突然激动涌上来，突然掉入逝去的岁月。

这首歌，也是那种不用刻意学就会哼的歌。

像我们的过去，不用刻意去记住，反正想忘也很难忘得掉。

我也好希望马来西亚可以拍一部光阴的故事。

让我好好的看看这些年来，时间是怎么溜走的。

世界很大，变化无限。

人生不长，回忆无限。

想要dl全部那些小时候的歌，却不知道该从何dl起。

毕竟，那些都是在潜意识里。很难明确地说出那一首。

只能边生活边想了！卖力的活着，用力的想着, 努力的记着。

I’m conceited because i’m proud of who i am

I saved my handphone from bursting..LOL
my handphone battery got really *pong*, and my friends should know,
the battery is making attitude..It's no more functioning, but getting mad..
It don't really last, and it often goes up during EMERGENCIES...zzz
so i gave up..

ErJie brought me to a shop in Kulim asking for batteries, and seriously, that guy of the shop annoyed me a lot..
The way he talk, he walk, he examine my handphone, I feel "WTH" damn it..
I was so annoyed that I's rather walk away even I urgently need a battery that time..!!!
I told him before hand that my memory card cannot be sensed anymore..He said, oh, ur memory card..ur handphone cannot put 2GB de memory card eh!who sold this to you huh? cannot de...even u put 2GB hor, u save things until 500MB like that thn problems start coming out d! (and with a lan si smile...! FUCK) I kept quiet...(now that I realize, I always remain silent in situations that I'm like mad or angry or speechless or sad...! and this here, DEFINITELY MAD laaaaaa)

HELLO MISTER!! my phone can support until 4GB de memory card okay! and the 2GB memory card has been good for almost 2 years...!! zzz...! TMD, ACT PRO gok leh! think I'm those stupid dumbos that can be pushed around? Thought acting pro will make me scared and worship you so much and  buy whatever you sell? FUCK OFF! I hate sales person acting pro!! humble sales person always get me, even I know I don't really need their products..BUT ACTING PRO IN FRONT OF ME?

If you're not pro, and try to act like one, PLEASE ACT NICELY! If you purely have the "seh", but zero "liao" hor, THE ONLY THING YOU GET FROM ME IS A SHIT FACE! I won't give you good attitude and no matter how cheap you're selling your things, I wont give a damn. and I will write it on my blog so I'll never go back to your shop again!

If you know nothing, thn say I DON'T KNOW! I wont pei xi nei for that! BUT I will HUMILIATE you gao gao if you get on my tail which is to ACT PRO!

There was a doctor also, last time, trying to act pro and tell me all the CONSEQUENCES OF OBESITY..
I know her standpoint is probably trying to help, but I only feel like she is acting pro also! so, I give shit faces again...and My mum got me, she scolded me gao gao, but still, I'm ANTI-that ACT PRO doctor...

I hate it when people think themselves are so damn awesome that they like to show "hmm, like that oso you dunno ar ? dumbos" face.. If you tell me normally, I wont feel a thing, seriously. I do believe "ATTITUDE" is a quality in being professional as well.

Being a professional aint purely knowledgeable, you yourself must also be presentable!



I'm really pissed by that guy. I'm the type of people who remember fuckin well bout "ENEMIES".. I might forget the enemies face, attitude, or reason why I actually hate you, BUT I'LL NEVER EVER FORGET THAT I HATE YOU. I pack my mind in different kind of ways. I've got many list in there, if you ever get yourself into the list of "HATE", sorry, you seldom leave there then. Since I was born till now, only 2 person successfully leave that list and is now on my other list. My mum and my brother, out of I think more than 100 of people..

yea, I'm that kind of person, with terrible attitude, I hate a lot of people. I love a lot, and when I love, I love whole heartedly, so when I hate, I hate THOROUGHLY...! I'm serious.

I'm not an angel, so I don't really act like what was define in those korean drama or taiwan drama where every girl has soft heart. I don't. I fuckin DON'T. and don't ever try me.

I'm not aiming the topic of "fairness between sex", its just that I do go with the saying that Male and Female can never reach their EQUILIBRIUM point..NEVER EVER!

true what!

what love la, boyfren la, girlfren la, ITS ALL BULLSHITS in reality.
Its about 2 person. Like lesbians and gay. They're nothing much different!
They love a person, and a person happens to be in same sex with themselves.
EXCUSE ME! the possibility is about 50:50!
you go out, you fall in love, alright. But when you go out, you see both boys and girls,
you don't really act like, OH! I wanna date only boys, so i don't heed on the girls..
YOU DON'T! so its 50:50 for you to fall in love with the same sex or different sex..
!!!!!!!!!!

and why must we argue over fairness of female and male after so many years??
what a question, PRIMARY SCHOOLS MADE US.
remember when you were primary? we all for sure have this kind of "sexual difference" fights.
The teachers started it!

oh gawd, I hate my primary FUCKIN much!
I hate it so much that the beginnings of my secondary life, I've got ZERO FRIENDS.
I don't talk to primary friends that time, but everyone around me is with their secondary friends..
I was left no space to join..a struggling time, I'd never wanna remember and yet I fail to forget even a second of it....T.T



almost 2am, almost bed time.
but before that, I'll clear my mail box first...
(oh, I think I've been giving bad impressions in forwarding emails, cause I don't read them and not to mention forwarding them, only a few I will really take note, maybe thats why no more people forwarding me mails...! LOL)

the party is over, But I'm staying sober stil..

I am still listening to "Sober", by Pink.
but I've finally ended Diploma. how time flies huh?
It is definitely not like yesterday was the day I stepped in for Diploma.
I've been through quite a lot since ... the first visit to the collage?

Close my eyes, all I can see were the moments of me being friends to those rubbish dumb.
I lived a terrible life back then.....Days were long, Friends were Far....dumbs were.....ALL AROUND.

I've been through 2 gathering of 613.
and, MyLin has came for me quite a number of times.
I think she had all my stories about those nasty people.
She sent me "Footprints in the sand" by Leona Lewis before I actually started diploma.
and now I ended it, not to say pretty nicely, but I'm glad she is still my friend.

I've lost so many friends for no reason, I don't know why, maybe I'm a lousy friend...
I'm working on it already..trying really hard to stop losing anyone I love so much now.

Soon, I'll start my Advance Diploma, still in Penang.
I'm starting to love Penang since dunno when. who cares, the only thing that matters is that I'm proud to be penang lang~ hokkien lang~

I'm (as usual) excited of my coming holidays..but I've got ZERO plan YET...

•   probably learn a few songs from youtube to show off over my brother..
•   and maybe try to make some cakes and try it on my mum...LOL
•   urm, I might try writing some stories too..I've always wanted trying so, but never determined enough to start..
•   oh, try to make my mind to be a really HARDWORKING one in adv diploma..
•   explore the world with my jelly lens..(seriously, I'll find one day and go out for a photo shoot session!)
•   and maybe, try to figure out what does Sober means to me?
•   oh...TANCHEAHCHEE! if you're reading this, I'm thinking of paying you a visit...a really short visit..!

Whatever it is, I've got 5 weeks on hand to spend, feel like talking bout my collage friends, but....
maybe some other time..I've got a lot of emotions to settle down with...

My party in for my collage is over. We've got to move on.
Thats life isn't it? Moving on and on, and never turn back....
We've got to say goodbye gently, so that tears are held back.
These days, people don't show their actual feeling much...
We're all trying to protect ourselves, letting others see us weak, its a big NO for me....

A sober soul?

There's a test later, at 5pm. Tamadun Islam dan Asia.
and I'm not giving a shit on it. I honestly did not study, and, definitely not prepared.
Yet, here I am, "Sober".


I've been listening to "Sober" by Pink quite awhile since just now.
and, to be frank, I don't REALLY get it. I do think some of the sentences hit me but, as a whole, hmm, its beyond my reach. That's all I can say.


Staying Sober huh?
I don't know, but urm, I do know something,
I've got TOTALLY no mood towards the exam later. Its my final paper for that suckie subject..
and its the last day for me as in for Diploma.
I always think of Diploma as a comfort zone, where all I have to do is study, and live a life.
But I'm entering Advance Diploma now. which means A HUGE STEP TOWARDS LIVING LIKE A GROWN UP.
I've been trying hard to run away from this terrible fact......
Maybe I'm scared, Maybe I'm lazy, I just don't think I'm ready to face this world on my own.
I, chicken-ed out...as usual......................zz


Also, I emo since I realize that I might have to start making new friends during advance diploma.
Well, I do know VERY well how terrible it was to have false person as friend, so I am really worried!
I'm not a friendly person,( I know that),and I can't really start conversation with an unknown...
I feel like a loser. After being in the world for over 19++ years, I still can't get along well with others.
Sometimes I think I need a psychiatrist, for I can talk to myself but I have problems greeting people..


If you're not a close friend of mine, but only Hi-Bye status type of friend, I wont even Hi-Bye to you....
I'd runaway when I see a friend which is not close enough for me to greet. and if its too late to runaway, I'll look elsewhere..
Yea, I know. I'm a terrible person! BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO....!!!!!
I might talk shit lots when I'm with my frens, and act funnily stupid too,
but if they're not with me, I can be really quiet...or...SOBER.
But the quiet is pretty scary, for it screams the truth, as per sang in Sober by Pink.
Being sober isn't anything good, SOMETIMES.
When people around you laugh like freak but you're not invited into them.
I feel like a lonely but sober-acting soul.


I do alcohol. Minor ones i mean, like beer.
I don't know whether its because alcohol makes me sleep better or what.
But so far, I've never got drunk YET. because the most I had is only 2 bottle of heineken...
I can only feel heat but not drunk feel.
I wanna get drunk, and be somebody.
As I live now, I'm always being what others expecting me to be.
a student, a daughter, a girl, a dreamer, a blogger.


Who doesn't wanna get wild once in awhile. For we all buried too many things deep down under.
It need to be released for air.
I wanna get wild, and see what will I do.
being absolutelt-not-sober-at-all for once, and see what's the deepest desire in me?
maybe just to scream and scream like a freak, but its okay.


I don't even dream good these days, have not been having sweet dreams lately.
I don't know what happen to me.
this song brought out a dark side of me....and, I wanna say, after all this, I'm still sober.


as sober as possible

Sober - Pink

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am fallingAnd if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend
I'm safe Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?
How do I feel this good sober? 

Burst Days, Bursting.

Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time....-Jean Paul Richter

Yiyun's birthday.

although I'm not a father, and should me not be in the future as well,

I feel like singing "Butterfly Kisses" everytime I see birthday candles are lit up.

As you live on, the number of candles increased. For every one candle, there goes a year.

"All the precious time

Like the wind the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly"--Butterfly Kisses, Bob Carlisle

We went for celebration of course, much later from the actual date.

but we're not the latest, so its ... okay.

We're 20 now, friends. I mean, yeah, i'm theoretically 20, but not officially. A brand new beginning, AGAIN.

When we were 10, I never know I will meet all these awesome friends I'm having.

Back then, I was a lost kid. Never know what will happen even tomorrow,(and still am) not to mention a decade later.

But now I'm here. Proudly saying I LOVE my Friends. Never expected so !

I don't know how many birthday celebration I can make for my friends, and it really feel sucks when you sense the flow of time..it just pass by you, ignoring your efforts to hold it back.

I do miss the time when I have to wake up fuckin early 5 days a week, but get to have a lot of fun each day. I'm not very sure if i've got any better from that time, but I do miss those moments, where I don't really worry bout life... All I ever care that time was what's for breakfast, lunch, tea time, dinner, and supper.... also, all I ever have to squeeze my brain for is where and how to have fun. Life was kind to us, at the early stages...

Now it finally started. We're gonna have brand new answer for "What is Life all about?"

Sometimes, I do think we people live on and on to search for the perfect answer for the question mentioned. But somehow, I think we live on and on because we're not dead. We're too lazy to kill ourselves and end our life. We just live on and on...because all the others do so, and, we were told to so since....EVER?

Just live, Life will find its own exits. Is it true? I don't know, my life is not even halved yet. Don't ask me question beyond my reach! If you ask me what life is all about? I will ask you stop being emo and GET A LIFE. yea, I can let myself emo, but I don't like seeing others emo along with me...! Well, MY WORLD, MY RULES! don't like it? shewwww away~!

So it was my lovely friend's birthday, a few days ago, but we only get to celebrate it yesterday.

I baked a cake. without flour,eggs, and oven....! haha~ that doesn't sound much like a cake huh?

well, I think so too...BUT its really a cake.

and my 2 lovely friends comment it as a look-bad-BUT-TASTE-AWESOME cake! hehe~ alright, I admit there's a thing so-called "gifted talent" in me....*shyyyy*

We still have beer after the formal dinner. (so the new ritual this time is to beer after cake?hmm)
Alcohol makes me FEEL like an adult, and that is not good at all..
I spend like...18 years wanting to grow in a blink of eyes, but now, I have left few and few time to really enjoy my youthfulness.


Before I wear formal wear and start expecting salaries,
before I count the days on calendar based on my leave day,
before I forget about the sky and only focus at the traffic light ahead,
before I only see my friends once in a blue moon, before I start thinking awfully much before doing anything,
BEFORE I FORGET THIS BLOG I LOVE SO MUCH

Life ain't that bad to me, it gave me family and friends. May not be the perfect one, but are all the best i can ever ask for. I hope I deserve them. Because of them, I wanna be a better person. For I really think they're like the best thing ever happened in my life, and if i ever lose them, I will get lost again, in this wonderland.

Happy Birthday, Theam Yi Yun.
Thanks for being my friend, and also, letting me be yours. =)

感谢我遇到的人。

我心中残留的热情，也消散了。

长大了，不知道什么时候才可以肆无忌惮了。

有人说，人生是一个很长的累垮过程。

成长的当儿，有很多人事物会进来，很多人事物会离开。

青春期过后，那些沉淀下来的人事物会在我们身边不离不弃。

一路成长的时候，很多人事物开始挤进我们的生活的时候

我无法习惯那些迟早会习惯的改变，

有时候一天下来，看着镜子里的倦容，我问我自己这算不算是成长？

当我的生活圈子慢慢的变得很阔，即使那些我不在意的人，我也必须为了他们费一番力气。

我嘲讽自己的无奈和无能。但又能怎么样？

谁不是鄙视那种大人长大的？我一直觉得，人生只有一次，一定要好好挥霍。

但现在看来，挥霍的前提是钱。

我没办法假惺惺的骗自己说钱不是万能的，因为钱，它就是万能的。
人家说钱买不到快乐，没关系，反正快乐也没人在卖。
有钱，感觉就是比较容易快乐。但前提却是，钱必须完全是属于你的。
如果有钱不会快乐，那么名牌店里美得让人窒息，贵得千刀万剐的东西算什么？
每个人wishlist那些名牌又算什么？

也许，有钱不一定会快乐，但有钱，至少会比较容易快乐，吧？

每次都听见人家跟你说有钱其实没有很好，但每个这样跟我说的人，都是有钱人。
不愁衣食住行的有钱人。

当我们斤斤计较着商店里的折扣时，有人眼睛不眨的刷走了一百万的皮包。
当我们争先恐后排队买便宜午餐时，有人面不改色地倒掉一大锅的二头鲍。
当我们看着空空如也的钱包感叹时，有人毫发无损地刚从外太空旅行回来。
当我们在KTV里嘶喊着生活压力时，有人很臭屁的自己付钱出专辑给自己。
当我们感叹着家里老电视又当机时，有人犹豫着自己今晚要穿什么上电视。

打从我们在娘胎里，甚至更早，都没有人给我们挂保证说我们的生活是公平的。
一切的一切不过是我们追求的假象。
回头看看自己，写部落格，有的人写到赚大钱，出风头。我却在这里斟酌着每一个字，怕得罪那些我以为有在其实一点都不在意我的人。大家都在过生活，大家写的也都是生活，也许真的，我的生活比较不精彩吧!都说了，人生本来就不谈公平，所以我无法要求。



我偶尔会说，我有的够了。从脂肪到偶像到朋友到家人到生活。是够了。
但也只能够了。成天嚷着自己拥有的不够，也就只是徒伤悲，如此而已。
我不是个对自己苛刻的人，我承认我真得在脂肪这一方面很富有，但又能他妈的怎么样。
网路上多少的照片都是丑不拉叽的自己，所以也就这么习惯了。
这样子叫好笑吗？好笑，可爱，特别，本来就是留给那些不想批评你却又无法欺骗你的情况下用的。我都知道。但我能怎么样？除了小小的假天真我能怎么样。

这个世界上，比我惨的人还有很多。好啊！所以我应该快乐是吗？我应该把我的快乐建筑在他们的不幸上是吗？真的是这样？

爱情不是盲目的，不然性感内衣怎么会那么畅销？
生活不是盲目的，不然卖镜子的人怎么活得下去？

“丑不是罪，是命。”
这是我丑了一辈子，并会继续丑下去而有感而发说的。

你不赞成吗？没关系，丑的又不是你。

晚餐了。我累了。生活对我多苛刻我都认了，但拜托，至少在梦里施舍我一些快乐好吗？

找不回的时光节奏

弄着照片的时候，才了解为什么我们总是拼了命的拍照。旅程说起来，算蛮短的，因为我们总是被房间里的灯光蒙骗了。以为是凌晨，却已经是中午。好久都没有去透透气了！第一次这样和朋友去透透气，觉得自己真得长大了。从来都不曾觉得自己长大过，也没有变聪明，也没有变些什么。可是张大这回事，一直都不是被动的，它属于默默进行式。镜子会负责告诉你，命运也会告诉你，诶，长大了！当我提起行李，背向家人踏上旅途的时候，我才意识到，这样的情形，会越来越多。小时候，总是看着爸爸妈妈出门上班，现在，是爸爸妈妈在我们后面，目送我们的背影。很公平啊！这个世界，总是不缺这种挖苦式的公平。

去这种主题乐园玩的人，应该都希望迷失吧？不然，云顶不会把东西建得那么眼花缭乱，那些路也真得不是我这种等级的路痴所能及得。但这样其实很不错，至少有所寄托。一个人，就是因为生活太规律了，太明确了，所以才忘了迷失的意义。但我当然没有迷失，我很好。因为我有一个把云顶当自己家院子逛的朋友（章家宴）。我们就是在她英明的带领下，完全没有迷路，一切都走最简短方便直接的路线。连上个厕所，都有捷径。这个，就是专业与普通的差别。

我一直很喜欢旅行带来的漂泊感。因为你真的不知道下一秒会有什么惊喜，甚至惊吓。

有人问我，为什么看我好像是应该有很多很多朋友的人却总是交不到朋友？

老实说，我也很纳闷。谁受得了没有朋友的日子？但我就他妈的交不到。所以我异常珍惜记忆里的每一个名字，即使我常常无端端失去一个朋友。人家说寂寞的人总会及得自己生命里的每一个名字。但我觉得，因为寂寞，所以朋友少，所以空闲，所以好记。没有朋友这件事，一直很困扰。之前每天头低低地上下课，现在有了几个不错的班友，但马上又要各散东西。人生难不成就只是一连串让人无可奈何的巧合？

“在不同的城市努力，偶尔也会想想你，这样的我，那样的你，要很久才相聚”--复刻回忆，方大同&薛凯琪

带着自己的故事生活，然后遇到几个好人，再重叠出另一个故事。

我们看似落落长的人生，和宇宙繁华的生命力相比，不过像微不足道的一团废纸。也许写了长篇大论小调伦理人生道理博大知识广大智慧，但一团被搓揉再三的废纸就是废纸而已。很少人愿意去摊开来细读，因为也实在没必要。我们津津乐道的回忆，离开了我们生活的范围，就什么都不是，不会被在乎。

最近又遇到了一个人生的十字路口，挺繁忙的。但我没有犹疑，反正是早就想好了的。可是当大家捧着那些大学学院的资料的时候，我抬头看天，因为那些资料让我很头晕。那些印着成功人士的大学入学科系资料，好像在灌输我们，只要循着别的成功人士的脚步走，就会成功。以前我是这么认为的，但那个样子，顶多也只是和那个成功人士一样而已，谁想当老二？除非老大太强，不然谁真的心甘情愿认了老二的命？

想问天问大地，自己到底在哪里？为什么会醒在这个恍惚的生活当中？慢慢地拼凑，然后承认，即使时间可以倒流，我还是会冒起来蹉跎。青春都是这样挥霍的，用力的浪费，再用力的后悔。

my awesome trip.....
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STAY TUNE!!!!!

去了一趟出走，去透透气，在生活又在改变以前。

都做了些旅客该做得事，也很不舍得的离开了。

突然觉得云顶挺不错的，我喜欢里面眼花缭乱天马行空的设计。

太久没去了，所以对所有新旧事物都觉得很感兴趣。

我就是喜欢这样的地方。这样一个，可以让人忘记时间他老人家的地方。总是偶尔看一看手表才发现原来时间是这么的尽心尽力的溜走。

但其实，相机的电池也是

明天的我在哪里?