Monday morning. and its getting creepy in here.
I’m still in the search for a solution to make me “like” my job.
It feels more like something is blocking my way but I haven’t even take a good look at it.
It shouldn’t have been this terrible aint?
When I was on my way this morning, I looked around me and started asking, how many of them are feeling miserable as I do? Everyone is in nice formal outfit, in the car, staring at the traffic light. I feel like Im some sort of kids running around in a function full of serious adult. They are so tall, so tall that I cannot really tell their emotions behind their expressions.
I ran around, refusing to settle down. I tripped over the waiter, I hide under the tables. I still take my life as a playground, where I thought everything wouldn’t be a trouble. I might fall, but I will stand back up. I might hurt, but parents will make it up. which I still think I’m a lil kid without responsibility.
Cousins were here last weekend. for cheng beng.
He just ended his SPM. Somehow its like a tornado that hit our house. everyone is giving their very own opinion on tertiary education stuffs. like grandma, aunty uncles, everyone.
I sat aside and sometimes join for a sentence or two. Its been years, since my SPM sittings. And it still feels like yesterday, minus the fact that I forgot what paper I’ve taken.
Its like yesterday when I first stepped into the form 5 class. Then I helped Jocelyn to move the tables to get ourselves seated. Then chingu was late, like very usual. She arrived when we were about to get to the field for assembly. Everyone is moving that way but she is moving the opposite, something like getting her way through a huge wave, of people.
I was relieved, for I thought I would have to be alone in that assembly with people I barely knows.
Soon after, we are already in the middle of the year, where our tables and chairs have switched a little. and so called 613 is grouped. And I thought we could stay 613 forever.
well, what else? Humanity Disagreements popped up. So stories changed its character for a bit. And we were found in Auto City in our uniforms enjoying lunch, in a bunch.
Its just a messy bunch where food lovers randomly stumble.
then we got exams, we got fails, mostly fails of course. Then we lost our shame-over-lousy-results. Form 5 wasn’t that easy, because no parents would be okay seeing their kids feeling zero sadness over lousy result. Parents are in fear that we’re gonna lose our future forever and ever. This is the world, where a lil piece of paper named certificate could kill.
Parents nag us, we sleep in classes. Parents scolded us, we ponteng classes.
What a thinking. My form 5 wasn’t a huge difference from many out there. I hate some teachers, I heart some teachers, I hate some schoolmates, I heart some schoolmates. I do nonsense in classes I hate, I listen attentively for at least 5 minutes before I fall asleep in classes I like.
Some said to me that, its better to get wild in high school than college.
Cause in high school, we take wild as “ignoring school rules”. But in college, where the school rules are no more tight, we have to “ignore the laws” to be qualified as wild.
This statement isn’t a certain one. Just, I did see some examples that fit.
All I know was that, I really studied like a student should during diploma. I attend classes, study for exams, do assignments. Guess partly owing to 9blades, for he assured that hard work pays, by taking himself as the example. So I believed in.
From form 5, to college, until now. Like blogging, you write and you write, until one day you realize you can never finish reading all the past in one shot.
ha. I received an email sent by me a year ago. The feeling is rather complicated. She asked me some question, for example like Have you got a lomo cam?
Yes I do. and I still like lomo, and she should be proud of that. then she asked me about blackberry. No, I haven’t got one, and is already in the process of thinking not having one. don’t be sad, it’s a not-now thing, maybe sometime later I guess.
then she mentioned about our friend. ya. my best ever friend. we are still in touch, better than ever. This is good, at least I kept her one thing she treasured.
and then 613. Nope, we didn’t meet up during 613. not for the whole 2010 I guess. As we drifts apart, I haven’t even talk to some of the 613 since dunno when. I miss them from time to time, cause when we were all together, I felt “belonged”. but now, I walked through that, I miss them, but daily, I am quietly fantastic. 613 still exist, facebook-ly.
but good news is we’ve tried at least once to get real drunk. though we didn’t really got drunk, its our funny 2 friends that did, outrageously. hahaa. but we did enjoy that night, with cakes, with tiny fireworks, with funny jokes, with snacks.
then we learnt to say goodbye. Goodbye to them. We hugged and wished. like some really mature-yet-so-cool manner. cause we never cry. until it’s a lonely night again, before we look at the empty room and falls apart.
Time flies like in a blink of eye when we couldn’t bear to leave what we used to be. Though I used to thought working is gonna be fun with paycheque, but now, how I wish I could be a student forever and ever, studying from courses to courses.
chicken out from facing the reality. shit.
I tried calling a client twice today. Not in. both timing I was told she is out for lunch. Then I passed by mrs boss’s room, at 130pm. I accidentally saw her having lunch.
now, if you’re the boss, your lunch break could be half a day starting from whenever you want. I’m jealous. and I have always hated this company’s environment and atmosphere.
I am not always hungry between 1230-0130. I might only feel like eating after 0130. plus, sometimes, after I finish eating, that shouldn’t mean I am ready for work. damnit, so why must you fix your lunch time like oh, my workers MUST eat their lunch at 1230pm no matter if they are hungry or not.
Why cant you just fix a duration, and let me decide on the starting time? Its my fucking business if I wanna have my lunch at 430 to 530.
I learned a word, “China-men Company”. nothing against Chinese or men…or even company, its just a name to this kind of environment formally originated from mostly china-men founded company.
if you watch hongkong drama, you should catch the meaning.
argh. if I were to be at home right now, I will be on PPS. searching for crime movies. like silence lambs. And then I will have it started loading, where I go watch tv. or read some newspaper, or get a bite, or……. just hang around.
awh, happiness.
but look at me now. sitting in front of the computer, typing all these in a minimize Microsoft word window, using my huge body to block the sight of mrs. boss on my computer, imagining how better things could have been, pretending to stare at some checklist of work undone, THIS IS WTF.
I told my friends about this brand-maniac I met the other day. They say bear with them, for I have no idea how better it makes me look when I am with some brand-maniac. right.
I found 9blades book yesterday in popular. Its very inconsiderate to have his 2 books out at once, its hard to decide which to buy! good for me, I have a slim purse, he kinda like appreciates its moments with money, so I resisted.
in simple language, I found my long-waited books yesterday with a okay price and YET I buy none.
I want my killer lar. and I googled that ou yang pen zai’s movie is soon to be on theatre. great, bad part is that jam Hsiao is playing my favourite ou yang pen zai. OMG. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what to expect.
and I wonder who will be that King of Gamble on the ship. I am not gonna expect either.
*teehee
lol. teehee reminded me of nigahiga. I wasn’t really into his humors, but his speeding talks often get me. I like to replay it over and over again, its funny, it works like a radio.
craps. all craps. I hate my job.
Some say they can write a book about how good internship is.
For me, I can write an ENCYCLOPEDIA, about how much bad internship harm my enjoyable life.
*Frankly, I’m just feeling miserable and wanna trade this life for something new. deep down, I know the kind of senior I’m having is good enough. I learn to appreciate. but not in a 100% dedicated way.
