是挺不爽的  干
说过了吧  我不喜欢人家临时给我插工作
明天做好   几点几点要完成  他妈的
还有  把工作给了我就给了我  不要有自己偷偷做
做了又要唉声叹气  是怎样
还有  你给我工作  你给我期限  可中间的请让我自己来
我最他妈的讨厌在我做动作到一半你就过来交代东交代西
别拿虾米不是海鲜  我也有自己的时间表的
你自己时间没拍好  凭什么把我也扯进去

这两天又没得出门啦  我真被搞糊涂了
堂弟堂妹来了我为啥就不能出去
他们又不跟我讲话  最多也就问我借我一定不会借的电脑
我只有那么几天可以见一见我的朋友了
现在有更少了 好吧 我承认我有些朋友并不真的想见我
可那不是重点  开工之前我总想要真的给自己一份礼物
毕竟这可是3个月的战争

打战也得有个战前宣读吧  我可不想战死的时候连自己怎么开始战的都不知道
这个新春  没得回外婆家我也认了
每年习惯的东西没有一样有成  难道我小孩般的新年就这么过去了
我还不想开始大人的新年呢！ 太无聊了
我真的很不爽  干  我 他妈的不爽

什么狗屁  人家的新年总是快快乐乐的  我却快哭出来了
明天又要去巴刹  所有东西感觉都被堆到明天了

我不喜欢这种新年  很压力  压得让人透不过气
好多很表面的东西都被放大检视  但却对真正的内容不屑一顾

很多朋友都不喜欢过年  我一个朋友说过
“我都努力的离家很远很远。新年回去的时候可能费用贵了些，但重点在于，我不用大扫除！家里人会扫了给我看。反正我不喜欢。虽然我也真的介意那件家干净吗。一年最多也就干净那几天。而且啊  不用大扫除  那就是我童年最最最最最最最羡慕的终极幸福了！”

算了  我真的不喜欢人家把这你的头  告诉你该做些什么
更不喜欢人家随意打乱我的行程表  很好  我家人就是这样
所以我才知道原来这就是我最抓狂的事
可又如何  如果抓狂  就是轻狂的青少年 吃不了苦
如果不抓狂  就是压抑的青少年   吃得变态苦

我就是   后者

长辈给理由  不是看你想听什么  而是看他想到什么
这就是当长辈可以行使的“恣意妄为权”

等着  等我长大  我把这个乱七八糟的世界 反过来  摇一摇  不然还不醒目了！
树木不修还不直溜了！ 正义不发声 你还真当我是哑巴！！！
当警察法官关二爷都管不了的时候，总有人要维持正义吧！！！

正义，需要高强功夫！

来，改变世界吧！

像个英雄一样  让世界震撼 

 让垃圾萎缩  让正义呼吸！

rise, and shine

everytime i sleep, i'd just close my eyes, do some thinking
and get rid of everything. i just wanna sleep.
something like just sleep, and forget the world.
which is why some mornings, i'll open my eyes and sit by my bed
wondering where am i and what shit have i got myself into.

ever had mornings where you wake up to sunshine
almost close to great until u see your unfinished sorrows
then u lie back in on your bed and cover yourself with the blanket
whispering comforts to yourself and, expect for a savior?

sometimes. we do have that that in us. the unknown depression
the dark side beneath our smiles

rise and shine
=)

good morning? oh, its afternoon already.

咚咚锵

在家老老实实的待着

没有去逛街还真感染不到那新春的气息

新春啊 就剩 红色和敲锣打鼓的歌儿咯

电视机疯狂的播着去年的贺岁片  他们也就这么点儿功夫

我要看去年的贺岁片干嘛嘞  不说展望未来吗  老叫我回顾历史  是嫌我这过去一年苦假的啊

这兔子年啊 报章杂志 就连网路上也都在转载 十二生肖运程啦 十二星座运势什么的

天啊 要说我生肖好 结果星座那儿就出问题了 

而且 我就奇啦   为什么运程非得搞得这么累赘   一大堆的横竖直撇捺   老花眼的都要两幅老花眼镜才看得懂   唉   何必这么玄嘞  常常读了一整篇  都会气得把报纸摔了 把杂志撕了 把电脑关了  

谁让他说的一言难尽  编辑倒是做得挺好的  一整片文章一览无遗  本来以为这下一本万利啦   但肯定是那笔者一不做二不休  这么落落长的却一字千金  到头来还是得买什么水晶来摆在家里一个肯定碍位的方向 看完了不仅感叹又是一场春梦  看得我这些职场新鲜人一筹莫展  唉 一个萝卜一个坑  也就只求那些运程好的一语成谶  坏的一蹶不振  我可是很担心自己的实习情况的啊！！

神啊！ 陈小春结婚去了  有应采儿护着  你还是来救救我吧！

我不求什么  就让我直的走进去   可别让我横的出来啊

我家还有婆婆  双亲  和一个尚在念书的哥哥

我肩上虽然没有养家的担子

可我扛了整个家族的面子

若为面子故

生命

皆。可。抛

photography fever is back in town

ITS ME IN THE PHOTO.(BOTH ME)

*TEEHEE*

oh. yea. right you think its not so much of a big deal

OHH, you no fun.

i really like these photos though. 

including the colours including the 2 me in 1 photo thing including the 2 me looking at each other thing

*TEEHEE*

so the other day i sort of had a talk with people

and out of no where some started to tell stories bout ideal boyfriend.

one said

"you know what, i have always wished for a perfect boyfriend that will cook for me. Not like being the main chef but i wished he will help me out in the kitchen, and sometimes do me a few light cookings. That would be perfect for me!"

another said

"I'm not so much after cooking. The ideal boyfriend i picture would be something like he will help me out around the house. you know, when i'm doing cleaning and stuffs, he shouldnt just SIT and WATCH. its gonna be so sweeeet if he come round and say honey, here, let me help you."

another one said

"perfect boyfriend? erm, i hadnt really think about that, but I would love to have a boyfriend that can fetch me around. something like, i like shooting photos, so he'd just drive round different places and tell me stories of those places. then we will snap photos, and just enjoy."

the other said

"oh so we're gonna talk about boyfriend? erm. my perfect type should be the one who would accompany me around places for foood!!!! like we will hunt for different types of food!!! wow! that's gonna be good."

the other one said

"well, i do not really have specific image on this but i'd want somebody who is matured. and think like how i think."

and then SHE stood up and say,

"deal! LETS GO GET YOUR PERFECT BOYFREN."

all the others were stunned once and, "HUH?"

SHE continued saying,

"oh c'mon, you need a part-time kitchen helper, you need a male maid, you need a tour guide who can drive, and you need a driver that can eat, and you, you need a cloned you.

so whats so hard bout that?? looks fine to me!"

IDEAL isn't reality for a reason.

Some dreams are like stars

they looks shimmering- glitteringly beautiful

until you get closed and get yourself burned.

*don't be hard to those around you

make them smile and they will make you a better life

just love life

and Quietly Fantastic

a joke from hitz.fm:

*DJs talking bout "skyline" being rated the WORST movie

*audience called in and commented that he's seen boyfriend, with his girlfriend crying, left the hall halfway thru the movie shouting BUANG MASA AKU TENGAK WAYANG NI.

so DJ said:

DJ A: "now they got new grade for the movie. grade D! DIVORCE. how cool the movie can make people divorce!!"

DJ B :"OI! bad la you! its B! break-ups la!"

DJ A :"have somebody that you wanna break up with? bring them to this movie!"

"When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful" -- Toy Story 2

and i just got myself new materials to go on with.

OH YEA! I GOT MY NEW TOY!!!! woooohooooo!!!!!

my friends asked me what am i when i'm a mixture of and kids toy fan.

WITHOUT A DOUBT, i say "A MATURE KID"

new toy new toy new toy

SO EXCITED FOR THE TOY!!!

toy

oh. i wish i was andy. so i can have my own toy story.

so i can have lovely toys like woody and buzz light year that would stay for me

maybe i do.

just that i've boxed every childhood toys of mine

either given away, or kept deep down in the darkest corner of memory

and sometimes i wonder if they misses me.

cause i misses the time when i thought they'd one day all come alive and be my true friends.

like how they used to wipe my tears back at those golden old days.

"When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful" 

-- Toy Story 2

I share my darkest secrets, in a non-expressive way.

"If there are 2 people having interest on the same thing, but one is professional and one isn't. Do you know what are the differences between them and their outcomes?"

"errr, the professionals are paid?"

"partly true. but for me, i think its that the professional will have to do things accordingly. whereas the non-pro will just do anything that he feels like doing......like recklessly."

"that sounds not bad being a non-pro eh"

"but if you're a professional, your outcome will automatically be above the non pro. People have expectations and believe in you. If you're a non-pro, you might have only few audiences and, the only thing you care, is yourself." 

"different condition. different reward."

"fair enough."

"so what bout you? are you a pro or a non-pro?"

"I was a non-pro who has now become a pro, which is why I feel the difference drastically. I'm happy with me right now. Been given the chance to concentrate on stuffs I love the most. Some say my life is bored. for my hobby is my job. my spare-time activity is my job. I'm like working 24/7. But i'm okay with it."

"and i guess life isn't gonna be perfect anyway. There will be comments over whatever we're doing."

"yea. and all we have to do is to just love the things we're up to, so in love that we have no time to respond to those comments."

*and once you've chosen, just forget all the others.

-to see the little beautiful things in life, regardless of how fucked up it may get

我始终不曾真的认知到自己长大了

在看20世纪少年 就说了九把刀影响我
一直在倒数着实习的日期  用一种倒数世界末日的无奈
21岁啊 21岁

曾经我执着的觉得 生日是很重大的日子 一定要过得像样
可现在我对去年的生日 只剩下那一天考试的科目
20岁 我吃了一小块蛋糕 就名正言顺的20岁了
过后回想 一直到现在我还是不甘心 我曾经说过 我还要再过
可是昨天有人问我 如果真的买一个蛋糕 那感觉还一样吗
她也一样 过了一个什么都没有的生日 可偏 我们都是执着的人
曾经我们说好每年的生日都一定要过的心满意足 用一种挡我者死的磅薄气势
然后我们很懊恼的聊着自己空空如也的生日
不甘心自己连个像样的生日都没有 勉勉强强的20岁了几个月 突然大家就开始吹嘘起21岁了
年尾仔是挺矛盾的
我试过 当面被一个人说 年尾仔通常比较笨 因为他们头脑发育的时间比其他人短
干 去死

别人问我们今年还要不要像之前誓神劈愿的执着一些小细节
我们说不要了 一次教训还不够吗 当你的期待随着时间每分每秒的变得稀薄
以至于过后一扫而空的 空虚

那就像黑洞  伸手不见五指  宽广无比  完全黑暗 的 黑洞。

21岁 就不再庆祝生日了

有一天，当你发觉你的生日不再是你疯狂的理由，那只能代表，现实已经入侵了你。当你无法完整的把过往的一些惯性期待带到现在，那代表，你正迈着现实的核心走。没什么好不好的。就方向。

然后我们一起想到我们没有好好利用生日的三个愿望。

我们又懊恼了。

唉。

my college

today is good. hanged out. to some place which i dont get to go normally.
and we did talk a lot. about everything.
classmates, schoolmates, internships, craps....
i like today. very much. maybe because waking up early for breakfast is like a key to happy day.
i always feel double good when i wake up early and have great breakfast.
i used to have my cameras stuck on my hand last time.
and this time i had it kept until karyn even asked me where's my camera.
not that keen on taking photos anymore.
cause i know those who would stay, will just stay.
and those who wouldn't, their photos are going to hurt me in future.
so i'd rather talk, and enjoy every single moment of it.
i still love taking photos around. but not that adhere anymore.
like how the saying goes, "you don't take a photo, you ask silently, to borrow it."


Friends eh. its good to have people in your life.
someone you'd come visit after you're dead.
i'll sneak at their windows and see their lives and bless all of them.
NOT HAUNTING of course. but yea, its just, it makes me feel very thankful to friends when we're all connected in a tiny lil relationship.

I met some annoying people the other day.

there's a sentence i learnt from "The Social Network".

it goes somewhat like this:

"I think if your clients want to stand on my shoulders and call themselves tall they have a right to give it a try. But there’s no requirement that I enjoy being here listening to people lie."

yea. there are some shitty people around me who goes round standing on others shoulder and call themselves tall.

this used to make me upset and do a lot to defend. DUH. USED TO.

i had people coming up to me explaining the shames of me for not owning any technology stuffs. (==)

and all i can do was "uh huh. oh. uh huh. oh. uh huh. oh"

this is pretty disturbing.

there are also people who come up to me explaining how cheap my college is.

and i still "uh huh, oh, uh huh, oh, uh huh, oh"

as if its as good as dying to study in my college.

but i, kinda, like it. afterall its just a place to study ain't?

yea right. they dont really speak standard english in my college.

urr, SOME of the students appear to be a lil trashy though.

but to be frank, i adore the culture of my college that we speak hokkien.

hokkien is like the main language of the school.

even lecturers talk to us in hokkien after class.

i personally like this. LOL. just some very LOCAL culture.

ha. my friend once say she expected to improve her english joining us, but end up, her hokkien went better. 

i love this culture. though it sort of explain the reason of the english capabilities of my college.

=)   toast, for our typical, local culture. YAMMMMMM SHENG!

like timum said, 

"Bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it, right? 

WRONG!!!!!

when the world turns its back at you, YOU turn your back to the world!"

疤痕

当曾经的愿望慢慢的被时间冲落
每一个安静的夜晚 有一种寒冷慢慢的窜进骨子里
心里最深处的秘密会赤裸裸的摊在月光下
星光爬完所有伤痕 而我们 只是静静的伤心而已

假期在家无所事事 所以很多时候都处于冥想的状态
一边想着想着 按照一种说不上来的规律 慢慢的策划生活
有时候是明天的行程 有时候是待会儿的午餐 有时候是今晚的电视节目
还是很不喜欢大扫除这档事 费神 可不再是以前 不会再像以前那样甩门
现在只剩下离开的勇气
以前要有啥事不对我的调 我会反击 我会破口大骂 我会摔东西 我会打人
可当初那种随我来的气魄早已魂飞魄散 只剩下今天 跨步离开的勇气
有人问这样算不算 弱者  我们笑着说 也许只是不一样的处理方式吧
从好久好久以前 我希望自己大情大性 再加一点 云淡风轻
有人说我这样口无遮拦迟早要吃亏 但他说不要紧 吃亏当作吃补
人总得要留点伤疤老的时候炫耀吧

我认识一个人 她脸上留有一道一览无遗的疤 也不刻意修饰 也不刻意回避
她就是喜欢把疤痕放出来晒太阳 对朋友这样 对陌生人这样 对所有人都这样
有人问我她是不是家暴 有人问我她有没有计划去整容 有人问我她会不会就这样自卑
其实她和我们一样 曾经一度 对着疤痕 无地自容 无法接受
有一天我在街上看到她 戴着口罩 太阳眼镜 帽子 外套
那该多热 啊   我靠过去盯着她 可头低低的她 始终没有发现我的存在
过后 我们几个朋友给她寄过去我们的个人照和大合照
附了张字条 写说   “先拿我们来学习面对”
过了一段时间 我们接到了她的回信 是一张照片 有她 她的疤 太阳 和人群

后来大家相聚 问她那段时间熬的辛苦吗
她笑着说了
“不辛苦。现在看起来当然不辛苦。因为那个事情的眼泪 我流光了。眼泪流光了 眼睛看得也清澈了，很多东西就这么一点一滴的 回到轨道上了”

我们问她 我们寄去的照片是否有帮助
她还是一贯的笑
“一开始还真听你们说的 贴得房间满满的 想说先学会熟悉你们的目光吧 可过后发现 心里还是悬空的 即使可以对着你们的照片一下午 我却还是连 打开窗户的勇气都没有 气馁啊！ 偶尔看见你们一个两个皮光肉滑的 我心里就一团没来由的筋肉纠结 羡慕吧我想”

我们带了半晌 有人尴尬地笑了 然后她继续
“不过 这一切的一切 都过去了 我花了这么长的时间 情绪每分每秒的累积 瓦解 重塑。我也累了。累得什么都不想 想说自己就蒙面一辈子吧 不见光 吸血鬼般的活着。”

我端起桌缘的的热茶 轻轻地用热气 熏陶我的脸 给这一段过去 添点 味道
“我不是个懂文字的人 我也没有真的在那一段时间 仔细的推敲 我每一丝的微情绪。那一阵子 我除了流泪 就剩 发呆了。我只记得我好几次换好衣服 想要上街转几圈。前面几次 我选衣服的时候犹豫了。再来几次 我换好衣服照镜子的时候犹豫了。再后来 我走到房门口恶时候犹豫了。再后来 我坐在楼梯口望着大门犹豫了。慢慢的，我就是这么一步一步 走到街上。这个过程可以说是循序渐进的，每一次的心理，都像被撕成两半那样，各自朝着不同的方向。我就居中拉扯着自己的步伐。那不简单。”

大家沉默  不约而同的沉默  出奇的沉默 大家不约而同出奇的沉默
“后来我就走到街上 买了一堆食物 拍了张照片。其实并没有自己想象的恐怖。还是会有怪异 同情 可怜 抱歉 尴尬 的眼神。但眼睛嘛 不就是片白叶子 中间一滩墨汁呗。所以我也习惯了。伤痛最恐怖的地方 就是想象。人是最相信自己的，所以我也曾经深深地相信 自己心里的恐惧 一直到 我晒到太阳 是太阳的热 把我晒醒 太热了 热得 让我有豁出去的勇气。”

她喝着自己的咖啡 我们喝着自己的咖啡

“所以 你看开了对吧 不再执着” 大眼睛的朋友问着 一边手拿着巧克力杏仁饼乾
“不是。我只是选择了相信另一个自己。我身体里还是住着那一股恐惧 我不过把它收起来 有一些夜晚我还是会拿出来好好检视一番。不为什么，我不觉得我忘得了这个伤疤 我只是看习惯了 久而久之 就没感觉了。不再有想要消除它的冲动。也有人说我这是看破了，但我始终觉得，我只是把这一个伤痛像衣服一样穿过了 然后就收进衣橱里的低格  眼不见为净而已。”

服务生端来我们的蘑菇汤 有着浓浓胡椒味的蘑菇汤
有一个在角落的朋友拿起汤匙 舀起一口汤 对着她说 “我觉得 你听懂文字的啊”

那一家店 过后我们也没有再去 总是想吃点不一样的
至于那一天的蘑菇汤 是香的 虽然带点过多胡椒的呛辣 但还有的是 彼此汤匙碰击的清脆声 像抓不紧的岁月那样滑不溜丢的口感  和 淡淡的回忆里的牛奶味儿
这些 和着 我记在心头的那股感觉 静静的躺在我的肚子里 陪我过了一夜甜梦
而第二天 我像全新的叶子那样 奋力的迎向 我终将坠落的命运 像之前的每一天
日出而作 日落而息

我过着我的生活 我 说着我才懂得故事

冀望 那一天  天时地利人和了 我和我的过去 会把酒言欢 而这一切的故事 都将是我们的下酒菜

像生活规律的上班族偶尔忙里偷闲一样 

我和我的过去 

李佳恩和李佳恩

故事里 故事外

都是人生 海海人生

一望无际 却内容丰富的 我的人生

*我不止一次说过我喜欢中国腔吧？我就是爱 所以模仿。

这是一个故事。人生的故事。

真的痛 有流血 也真的 都结束了*

judge judging judged judged

judgement.
an event named 2013 is on facebook. it says do you wanna stay alive through 2012 and attend your life in 2013?
the other day i ran down some posts in a forum and found some stories bout the end of the world.
maya, scientists, bibles, gods, ancients, and whatever stories
its a whole freaking long passage to read through regarding how the world is gonna end and random stories
then i came across one saying the world is not ending. it should be more like, err, something's gonna happen and many of us will die. some major nature changes on north and south pole on earth or something. then most of us may not survive and when it eventually end, it would be a whole new era.
DUH. i dont understand.

the end of the world. more like a after-meal topic from what i can see.
actually, i wanted to talk something about judgement at the beginning.
but i don't know what dragged me to those above.

judgement.

ever since i'm in tarc, lotsa people actually give me faces like "wtf, your school is tarc? SO CHEAP"

and i was the kind of loser who got defeated by such comments.
things didnt really work out back then when i first entered college
maybe life change, and i'm granted a bit bit more freedom which i don't see the optimal way of fitting in
and until today, i still receive such comments.

but this time, it had changed. no more stories of me looking down on myself
its more to me, smiling and forget it.

this hasnt end. but my movies are ready.

like what said, the best movie in this world, has always been "What Goes Around, Comes Around"
yea. so i decided to go around happy. so it will come around again.

=)

"hey, got some stories?"

"my life itself is the legend hun."

"those people are making up bad stuffs bout you!"

"oh."

"HELLO!i mean, they are so spreading those bad stuffs!"

"oh. ya. oh"

"ARE YOU LISTENING?!"

"............."

"THOSE PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE TRYING TO TEAR YOU OFF!"

"whats the shouting?! wanna join me in getting popcorn ready for what goes around comes around?"

"that guy there scanned you from head to toe!"

"OH! WHAT?WHICH?!!!"

"the one you hate. that sissy"

"oh. he does that to everyone all the time."

"WEIRD. what does he want?"

"a chance to be a girl"

"woh!next time trashy!"

Another summer day has come and gone away

 


merely resolving the thirst to spill put something
somehow i do know my friend is not doing well
its weird eh
never thought such kind of problem would ever land on her
now thats when people say various

and then i realized i'm one well-blessed person
i really am

i do have wrong people being friend at the beginning of my college life
but things still turned out pretty well right now and i did learnt lessons from those dark time
and the time frame i'm in trouble is much more shorter as some other
things werent any worst when you turn your head back to see it all over again
its like the process going through is so torturing but once you're out
you kinda miss it sometimes

"The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson."


i love my friends. no why. no because. just friends. and so i love
sometimes sitting down and seeing life slipping bit by bit through my fingers
it just feel so funny that years ago i was so eager to be at this age
and at this age there's other dreams on
i did not rock the world at this age of 21, i'm sorry 17-year-old-leekahinn
but i'm still living.

I went picking up my niece at school today.
The moment the school bell rang, i saw all those 7-year-old boys and girls rushing stuffs into bag and self out from class
i used to be, like that. just like that.
no worries. no expectations. and i didnt enjoy it that much.
i spent most of those times being miserable in between a fake grown-up and a complete kid.
here i am right now smiling at every pass i could ever recall
i may not enjoy every tiny bits of those times during primary
but i still know deep in there that, those HARD times during primary
shaped me into who i am today.

its true that i'm made of more than my yesterdays
but part of my yesterdays had me into this current me.
i thank god for that
by any chance i missed the chance to be someone better
i still thank god for that.
cause every moment i had do mean something to me
it tells me how i got here today
and i shall not fear of fall.

i came all the long way until here, and even i fell and had to do it all over again,
i know JUST WELL how to.
=)

thanks for making me simple, ordinary and the best of all, blissful.
please do so on my beloved friends as well.

蓦然回首萧瑟处 也无风雨 也无晴

我一路回来 蓝天白云

自从开始频繁的开车 总是会不经意想起玛莎说
“在多少个开车回家的深夜里 我需要很用力才想起哪一个是真正的自己”
曾经总是瞎嚷嚷着做自己 那个是连自己是谁 都答不上来
却总是精神奕奕 神采飞扬的 挥洒生命 说要做自己 说要follow my heart
不过几年间 我发现自己变了好多 变得乖了好多
算是应了阿信那一句 ”有一天 我们都会被这个世界完美的驯养”

我认识一个脱线的朋友 说脱线其实是在总结她所有随性任性感性
相较之下我觉得我好乖 没有多少怨言 没有多少人渣 没有多少烦恼 没有多少心情
我曾经开玩笑着说 “我想要做一个流浪汉 一个不愁吃喝的流浪汉”。
有人笑了 但有人告诉我 “李佳恩 我觉得 你不是在开玩笑”

干

有一天 我细细的检视内在的那个李佳恩 那个只有我自己知道的李佳恩
我发现原来我并没有什么梦想 连当导演的梦想 好像 也不是没有会死的程度
有人说我活得很随心所欲 意指 随便 发现自己好喜欢说随便 都可以 都好
漫无目的的活着 却每天自以为过得很充实
我就是 没有目的 地 活着 瞎混 忽悠
我的人生没有彩排 每天都是现场直播
因为我连节目的脚本都没有 所以即使出错了 也无从查究

漫无目的 漫游天际

刚刚离开干妈妈家的时候
望后镜满满的都是雪柔，弟弟，干妈妈挥手再见的模样
不知道什么时候开始喜欢看望后镜
偶尔看一下望后镜 发现和自己一样疲惫的夕阳 发现用力挥手道别的人们
我都会很感恩

谢谢 这所有的赐予 我欣然的 微笑的 满足的 收下了
世界那么大 我有你们 所以 我勇敢

done a lil changes on my room. posters are still there of course.
and most of my housemates go "WOW" when they first enter
and till now some of those who comes in frequently
still look at the posters and magazines cut outs and i personally they are amazed!
HA!
so now its today
my last paper day! stil wake up VERY early in the morning like 5am?
always need this to refresh all those memories and hang out in my room
i actually dreamed that i failed my subjects and my mum was talking to me bout cutting my allowances
and that was when i jump off the bed.
oh god! PUH LISS....

waking up this early
eating all those silence alone
i played songs on laptop over and over. those very old love songs
smooth down my mood or something. just calming
friend once asked that "err, you live in this century but your songs, urrrrr"
and most of the friends on my car with my songs will be like "leekahinn, your songs. is it older than me already?"

randomly i just wanna say
ITS FREAKIN LAST PAPER ALREADY!!

and internship. i decided to just believe in God's act that he always present us the best we can ever ask for.

This is my now, so why wont you just smile

There was a time 

I packed my dreams away

Living in a shell, hiding from myself

There was a time when I was so afraid

Thought I’d reached the end

that was then

But I am made of more than my yesterday’s

This is my now, 

and I am breathing in the moment

Cause I look around

I can’t believe the love I see

My fears behind me, 

gone are the shadows and doubts

That was then, this is my now.

I had to decide, was I gonna play it safe

Or that somewhere deep inside, 

I tried to turn the tide

And find the strength to take that step of faith

And I have the courage like never before, yeah

I’ve settled for less 

but I’m ready for more

--Jordin Sparks, This is my now

I struggled hard for life

like everyone else.

though i've mentioned over and over again

i dont like accounting, and its really boring

what i've been kept to myself is my fear that i might not do well in other courses as well.

and i'm browsing some job sites

find it funny for i'm doing what they so called future planning

today's paper was lotsa craps.

theories are so theories that i wrote my own story

and i felt so good about it.

probably because its the second last paper

probably because the first ever time in my life i answer the paper

with what i actually think instead of what was printed on the books

memorizing is not my kind of thing

its had me freak out all the time when i have no choice but to eat up a whole lotsa notes

and i sometimes sat down wondering how i get through the 2 law papers and 3 economics papers?

urgh whatever. whats passed is pass.

so the next paper

would the one paper that i have totally no idea about

the lecture slides were a huge mess

never mind

i've live years of messy life and i'm still alive

a couple of papers wont do much harm i guess

i had planned to head out for a quiet study away from laptop

and due to some TECHNICAL reason

i'll just cancel it

so the plan should be 

bath 

slack a lil bit more

START

..

.

yea. LAST PAPER ON SATURDAY

and thats somehow like the end of the 30 days of nights in Alaska

SUN IS SHINING ALL OVER AGAIN

the exam period differs a lot from what i used to plan

last time were more like going back home

home sweet the home

involve a lot of struggling between books and tv

and this time, i stayed in the hostel throughout the period

for the break time is rather short and 

the strangest part is that i decided to extend the stay

its nothing like i'm so in love with my room(yea, i do have a lovely room)

its just that i think i wanna have a good look over penang island.

like in an extremely relaxing mood

its gonna be like a kiss goodbye

for i would be on internship next semester.

the next time i come back for a stay would be the stories in may!

wow!

half gone "puff" GONE!

half of 2011

sounds fast

but that was before i add in words about "internship"

its a heavy word

10 alphabet and 3 months' gone

god bless

oh and i'm kinda addicted to kevjumba and nigahiga channel this exam time

so happen they led me to this guy

could be their friend of something

seen them in a couple of videos together

i find his songs nice. WOOTS!

Why so serious? WHY WONT YOU SMILE?????

i like his music.

dreamer

- Quietly Fantastic -

- Hakuna Matata -

*i like the zoom and timer function. very, like

sunrise

Good VERY Morning!!!!!
oh lovely morning
been awake for approximately 3 hours now
caffeine didnt really work yesterday so thank you
and i've been repeating "making love out of nothing at all" and "you're beautiful"
and this is now my new morning playlist.
facebook is so quiet. the whole residential area is so quiet.
i'm with the songs, tumblr-ing. that's the best moment in a day of mine.
sitting on the bed. scrolling down and down seeing photos, with such songs
just nice.


and i'm about to  window shop some toys
while waiting for the sun to rise and kiss the day to a start


*damn every time i end a post, i feel more to be a writer

bit by bit

so i did a personality test today.
resulted in me being suitable for education as a career.
now that's a REAL personality test.
i once went to my high school counselor and all she did was reading me a book of occupation available in this world.
Papers with questions are provided, but the questions are so badly designed that
it don't really help you to see your deeper self. it just test on your "appears to be" personality than your true own self.


i'm seriously considering getting my own internet connection.
but broadband wouldnt work and tm is not a choice for its contract binding.
i think i might end up using broadband still. and i'm considering the available package.
my pass experience thought me the reality of having a cheap package somehow make you deserve a low quality.
DUH  such realistic.
wouldnt it be good if i'm the only one being realistic and everyone else live a fantasy.
maybe not. cause i might end up tearing myself down for gasping for real among all fantasies.
alright, the truth is "using others connection without the owner's notice" --NOT STEAL
this fact is growing my guilt day by day. i used to curse this kind of people.
well. since internship is up in times so i'd just expect i'll be able to save my omg-so-low salaries for a new phone and broadband.
and i pretty much given up hope for a smartphone. mainly because i couldnt afford one. though i told everyone i dont really use it. puh-lisss, if you have wii at home, regardless of how busy you are, you will be free for a game or two.
i only wanna appear "cost-considering". at least not "omg-so-sad-i-cannot-have-the-catchy-gadgets-like-others"
and all i require in a phone would be call n sms function. LOL. i sound like some elders who fail to use  phones with complicated functions.


will be having a paper tomorrow.
urm. lets not talk about it.


so i had some random conversation with friend 
been thinking what another friend said:
"your jokes may not be understandable to everyone. cause your jokes are like so random and not down to earth"
true i guess. and i'm trying to make myself truly believe its a compliment. lol
arhh~ who cares.  
still, the fact that i fail in socializing bothers me now and then.
nevermind. i'll figure something out one day.
and i'm not really bad in socializing anyway.
i still have friends. its just that my friends are only of 2 categories:
"close friends" "hi-bye friends"
nothing in between. not that kind of meet up friends.


oh wow. 12am. 

kahinn logging out

quietly fantastic as ever can be

hoping the best for every challenge in life

challenge refers exams this time

Hakuna Matata.

无数个自己

看了狼牙 喜欢细节化的动作片
好过拿把刀东砍西砍 却都被剪掉强吧
看电影就是想要画面视觉的震撼
唉 日子一直在过啊
好难想象 我就21了 然后 很快 就要实习了
曾经孩子的我眼巴巴的看着姐姐们拖着疲惫的身躯上班
拖着更疲惫的身躯下班 趴着回家
以前觉得 要我干嘛都好 不要叫我读书
可现在 叫我干吗都好 拜托让我继续读书
人啊 改变就是唯一的不变
很多发人省思的话说起来都像在绕口令

最近刚读完一本励志书 算是吧 心灵鸡汤那一种
并没有真的挑起我的什么潜在的意志力之类的
充其量我不过把他当短篇小说在看
这让我想起看过的一段话 “血拼绝对比心理医师便宜”
也许九把刀惯了 所以对励志种类的书感悟力退化
当然某些点上还是会点头如捣蒜
也许哪一天 我跌倒了 我才会真的明白励志书背后的意义
可没关系 我不介意 就等着跌吧

今天其实一大早吃了很好的面包
很软很软 早晨最适合的柔软 虽然我起得很早
可是我喜欢吃到好吃的早餐后 情不自禁的那一种温暖
感觉自己好像好久没有回家了 可没有考完试 我不想那么快回到我的酒池肉林 我的温柔乡
一个人住明白了家的好 但并没有真的掩盖自由的渴望
依旧是不停的在家和外面世界之间摆荡
偶尔摔得重 偶尔掉得轻 偶尔迷惑 偶尔幸福



今天吃早餐的自己
昨晚赶温习的自己
现在懒洋洋的自己
曾经迷失掉的自己
一直很迷茫的自己
快要成长了的自己
总是舍不得的自己
永远在追寻的自己

这些自己， 我都收下了。 这辈子 我的人生很复杂。
远比我的多重人格还要复杂。 复杂的 有一种 剪不清 理还乱 的 尴尬

“做自己喜欢做的事，那是自由。

喜欢自己做的事， 那是幸福”

我喜欢这句。因为无论如何，听起来都不错。
之前因为住宿的问题 搞得心情乌烟瘴气
可还是被点醒了 回过神来的当下 总算理解为什么大家都告诫大家要看得开
一不小心掉进思考的死胡同 牛角尖 绝望的感觉是挺真实的
看得开，是吗？ 我尽量。

这日子啊 过久了 很多烦恼也变得得心应手
这句话说了 适合配着苦笑 下酒 畅饮 问天 问苍天 这海海人生 这人生海海

Pastry is my kind of thing!

that was then

slept really late last night.
determined to finish at least up to as scheduled (still one chapter behind though)
shit.
but then i still wake up really early today.
even earlier than all my other weekends, 9am. 
wth. i had this problem with getting up.
always had to struggle through few stages, like this:

1. heard the alarm
2. snooze, snooze and FREAKIN SNOOZE
3. try to be mentally sober
4. try to open my eyes
5. try to make my eyes stay opened
6. smell or you may even say SNIFF my blanket
7. rolling rolling LOTSA rolling
8. look at the time
9. OH SHIT

and that's practically what happen every morning
the timing goes this way
i have 9am class. i'll set my alarm to start ringing at 630am.
my snoozing will be every 18 minutes.
and until i reach "OH SHIT", it is always 830am.
WTF. my hostel has 13 people and only ONE toilet
that's how my morning crash every time, trying to get into the toilet


and i guess this is pretty much what happened on everyone
LOL! teenage dream in a teenage circus...running around like a clown on purpose


my dad can never deal with my habit
he always end his conversation like this
"sleep early. wake up early. this is very important to keep you healthy!"


from every topic, daily random conversations, about my studies, about my phone credits, about my bank accounts, HE ALWAYS END WITH THIS:

"sleep early. wake up early. this is very important to keep you healthy!"

well. that's my dad.
most people who know a lil bout my dad find him cute.
my cousin especially. She likes to listen to my dad's story. 
my special dad. =)


oh and i still remember receiving his text messages in class and had me laugh out LOUD!
it goes like this,

"My Daughter, KahInn, .......(some daily reminder thingy). From Boon Chuan, Your father"

I was in a tutorial class and started shivering and trying to resist the urge to ROFL.
i showed it to my friend and she was like, WOW! is your dad a teacher or something?
I said no, he is just new to sms-ing. (that explains!)


my dad is so cute bout my friend reaction, the underlying-message he decrypt from the reaction was : "oh?! that means your friend think i speak good english that is qualified to be a teacher?!"


ZOMG! dad, you wanna know what i like about you?

"YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR!"

my dad likes to tell us jokes. i dunno where he got all this "intention" from.
he just like to tell un-funny jokes and expect us to laugh like he does.
but there was once he told and i still love that jokes until today,
FYI, my dad tell his jokes with actions all on. like so cool!!!!!
the joke is something like this:

in a school and some one set fireworks in the school compound.the principal is mad and went into a class shouting "SIAPA BAKAR?!!"(as in siapa bakar mercun)a nerdy boy stand up and say, (shaking-ly) while raising his hand at the same time"saya ....... bakar"principal was shock for a nerdy to admit SO FAST he ask again, "KAMU BAKAR? BETUL KAMU BAKAR?"nerdy say.." ya......sa....saya BAKAR"the principal was mad and shouted "KAMU BAKAR? KENAPA KAMU BAKAR????!!!"nerdy was like..."saya..sa...saya mia bapa bakar, saya pun bakar la..."as he speak he touches his name tag on his uniform saying"ABU BAKAR"

that was really funny for me back then
my dad would do role play for me and my brother in the room 
bakar, principle, raise his hand, all and all.
LOL! i'm gonna ask him if he still remember this!

dear you,

i wanna talk about a friend.

a friend which i was telling somebody else about.

someone i've told her face to face that,"you're inspiring.and i love you"

the first one who cured me. by telling me

"you know, i might appear awesome to you. but deep inside, i still think i'm pretty screwed up.

we all have a part in ourselves that has to drag us down to earth. just because this part showed itself, it doesnt mean you should die"

the one who came to me one day and say,

"hey. i'm glad that i've been inspiring to you. because now, you are inspiring me too"

i think she turned my sarcasm on.

someone who prove to me ear-torturing facts is awful for its all true.

your message was a bomb. you're still inspiring my lovely friend.

sometimes in the middle of the night when we were crapping bout recent hectic life

we laugh at the funny things on the internet

and we called these kind of chit chat an escape

so thanks. for supplying me stories of your life, and for taking my stories.

you were once close to me. then you went far. but like what said

"OH PUH-LISS, 21st century is no longer the kind of goodbye and never see each other. technology EXIST"

oh god. i literally remembered your sentence.

OH GAWD

by the way, i still find spongebob WAYYYYYYYYYY better than stupid bob the builder.

at least we see no one selling bob the builder stuffs!

i love you. thanks for the message.

If i were to be a kite, you would have been my string.

=)

and we couldnt wait to grow up?!

fine i couldnt think of anything and i end up watchin kevjumba for an hour till now.

WTF!

1 more truth to share which i just realized,

ICQ, MSN, Friendster, Blog, Youtube, FACEBOOK. This is how i grow old. 10 years had passed JUST LIKE THAT!

oh back at those days we only had icq...

waiting patiently for the "person" at the corner of conversation window to turn round..

then MSN and Yahoo messenger came along. everyone was using MSN. and i remember its so much fun than ICQ because u get to put your own profile picture.

those were the time we chat round and keep changing new email address.

then better, friendster showed up.

the best part would be seeing people giving you testimonials.

people develop creativity on writing the testi.

famous people get more testi, and if you have more testi, YOU'RE FAMOUS.

what a dream back then.

we shared photos. everyone was so keen on making blings blings and emo words on the photos.

slowly leading to a new style of self-snapping pose to OPEN YOU EYES and act like you're innocent and ....cute? i think some still do this these days. LOL!!!

then we made our hair stand up, spiky, weird and wear all kind of stuffs on us.

not much of my friend find their 10years ago self attractive.

most screams when they were given an old photo of them posing at the "top fashion style" back at that time

Vince n Co used to be the spot, and thats how we started our adventure into a false fashion sense.

Next on, FORUM! yea tahts right. people post bout anything. polls will be on to vote for the prettiest girl and boys. stealing photos from friendster and open vote for everyone.

whoever gets the most vote, YOU WALK AWAY WITH FAME. lot and lot of fame.

seeing people's photo. then boyfriend girlfriend gets to be voted too...like "the best couple"?

lol! now that's ridiculous.

then Blog came along. Most people start with wretch i think. as in among my friends.

i started with xanga. which i barely remember my username.. never logged in since i think 6 years ago.

then i went to wretch. oh those were the time.

friends link each other, pretty girl gets famous.

taiwan fashion stepped in. EVERYONE wanna be taiwanese-looking alike.

all kind of hairstyle, outfitstyle. wearing a few layers in freakin hot malaysia and call yourself taiwan winter style. DUH!

i used to wear like a boy. u know, a tshirt and one more shirts, with spiky hair.

OH SHIT. OH MY FUCKIN SHIT

and we started blogging where people starts digging secrets. like reading a few blogs and figure out a secret. (not so much of a secret after all huh)

and started sharing links of pretty girls. EVERYONE WANNA BE IN TOUCH WITH THE PRETTY GIRLS

its like an honour to have the pretty girl link you in her own blog.

Once she does, YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

lol. people will be whispering behind you.....

NAH! joking! NEVER! but the honour part is true.

pretty go round to meet pretty girls.

not so much of friendster anymore.

blogging was the new trend.

then Youtube came along.

that should be a lil after handphone with camera and mp3 function was launched.

i mean when they get so affordable, people start uploading videos of them acting FUNNY...or even STUPID.

and i think "Malaysiakuku" did turn a new page for youtube. I STILL THINK SO!

and in between all these, internet gets COMMON.

everyone has a computer and its only a matter of HOW MANY!

oh and finally, FACEBOOK era is here.

"tag me" "facebook me" "my wall" "pet society" "cheat"

these words filled up everyone's life.

sitting there seeing facebook wall refresh on its own.

its like a miracle. how did I walk from ICQ and reach here?

funny isnt it. i used to get frustrated whenever msn fail to connect.

and now i always forget about msn. facebook and blogspot and twitter and tumblr

i came across a quote on tumblr yesterday:

"i cant wait to wake up as a 90-year-old and start telling my grandchildren, back at those days, we only have facebook!"

wouldnt it be nice. kids started off with facebook.

they never understand the feeling of friendster testi.

like how we can never understand our parents story about pen-pal....

wow.. WOW.

shit. time dont pass, THEY FLY.